Somewhere Between Books & Beer
by Jen Drieves

EXCERPT

Introduction

What gives me the right, or perhaps more accurately, the credibility, to be writing this book? Well, one simple, and I like to think very compelling, argument: I am a girl! I have experienced the same strange situations that, at times, leave you speechless and baffled. Additionally, I have the great experience of going to a school predominately populated by the male sex. Now you may be thinking, “Lucky you! The more men, the better the chances.” Well, to answer you very simply, I would like to employ a line that was used to describe the general circumstances that were facing us girls: “the odds are good, but the goods are odd.” But I am not complaining. Far from it, actually. Without these experiences, which at times were both bizarre and hysterical, I would never have been inspired.

CIRCLING AND GOING
IN FOR THE “KILL”

A Proclamation of Love...
Cyberspace Style

The declaration of one’s feelings through a note, to some, may at first sound similar to the cliched will-you-date-me note commonly associated with middle school. Every girl at one point has been the recipient of such a letter. However, it is this e-mail’s truly genuine sentiment, and its rather creative take on the declaration of one’s feelings that make it worth sharing. The e-mail left many sympathizing and left the recipient somewhat speechless.

Hey Anna,

I hope Ralph gave me the right email. If this is not Anna, please ignore and delete. This is an awkward email for me to write since I would much rather speak to you in person. But I don’t want to wait until the next time I see you.

Like so many of the other people at the party the other night, I was pretty drunk. And some of the side effects of intoxication are inhibition and forgetfulness, (along with hangovers and throwing up A. but that’s not relevant here). Now I do vaguely remember saying something to you outside the party, but what I don’t remember is what I said and what your response was. I just remember Susan pulling you away to go home.

My hope is, of course, that what I said was unintelligible gibberish. Knowing me, however, my message was clear enough, even amongst the slurring, to put you in an awkward position. Assuming the worst, I am writing this email to explain myself and my untimely statements.

I’ve thought about the right time and situation to say to you what I have to.

Unfortunately, every situation in which I saw you, you were surrounded by people, hence not alone. You may be now asking yourself why I didn’t just ask you out to lunch or something like that. I honestly don’t know why. But what I do know is that spewing random thoughts out at you while I was hammered was the last option I would have chosen for letting you know how I felt. As embarrassing as the situation might have been, though, it at least has forced me to write this email. So here it goes:
Where to start? Remember when we were at that event last Thursday, and I told you that I had heard that you were a party girl? What I didn’t tell you is that wild girls are not exactly the type of person I would like to get to know, and for a while I saw you as this person. But as I spoke to you more (granted it wasn’t much), my feeling was that my initial impression of you was totally off the mark. The truth is I don’t really know who the real Anna is, and therein lies the problem. Like reading the first chapter of a good book, and then not having the ability to read the rest, I’ve only read the first few pages of the book that is Anna, and I want to turn to the next page.

But don’t think that your personality is all that I’ve noticed. I think you are so hot. I remember once when I was doing work in the study room you walked in with a pair of pants on that had writing on the back. I thought the word ASS was printed there. I told you that you had nice pants but that I almost didn’t say pants. Well I’ll say it now, you have an exceptionally nice ass.

Remember those times we talked during practice? Don’t get me wrong, the stories were definitely interesting, but you could have been talking about the rate of algae growth on the dark side of a rock and I would have still listened with an equal amount of attention. I simply love the way you talk… the way you tell stories, the tone of your voice, your natural inflections, your laughter or giggling and so much more. On top of that, your face is so uniquely beautiful. And when you smile, I feel a strange peace come over me. And your eyes, no not your eyes, but the part of your face right below your eyes, it reminds me of a cute little bear. And your hair and bangs, it’s nothing short of perfect. I don’t think I can ever get bored looking at you.
I realize that you’ve never seen me anywhere close to the way I’ve seen you. That’s okay for me. What wasn’t okay was not speaking my mind and finding out how you felt. Anna, I want to know you better, and if that means that we have to be only friends and nothing more, that’ll be great too. If you’re too creeped out by this letter and you want me to be always at least 25 feet away from you, that’ll be okay too. After all, you are not the first book that I haven’t finished reading. It will be sad at first but ultimately, I’ll be fine. In other words, I don’t want you to feel bad at all about rejecting me, if that’s what you have to do.

Respond to this email anyway you would like. But please respond. Even if all you say is that you received the letter, that’s fine since I’m not sure this is even your email. If you want to pretend I never wrote this email, I’ll be fine with that too. What ever you’re thinking about as you are reading this letter, let me know. I will respect any decision or requests you make, no questions asked.

~Frank

A note to all guys: when proclaiming your emotions to your lovely lady, as a general rule, do not mention her “ass” or any other physical features that are below the neck.

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