It's been about two weeks since my sign nguage lessons started. Things are going pretty well. Ms. Mikado is annoying and wears a stupid forced smile all the time, but it turns out she’s also a very good teacher. Plus, my mom and I work hard even outside of css to pick things up as quickly as we can. At this point we can very slowly fingerspell using the kana, and we know several common phrases and words. So, my mom uses her notebook only for more complicated stuff.

  It's breakfast. I'm just waking up as I eat some grilled salmon, rice, and miso soup my mom made. Well, I'm mostly eating the salmon. I haven’t had any of the race and my miso soup sits untouched apart from a single spoonful that I ate when my mom made me.

  Why would I waste time on those things when there's salmon? It's got such a fresh, smokey taste. Perfect for the morning.

  It has me in a pretty good mood. But then, my mom holds out her notepad to me with a message on it. I groggily read it and the panic I start to feel suddenly makes me feel more awake.

  I think I'll go to work after lunch from now on. It doesn't seem I need to be there for lip reading anymore.

  I must have made a face, because my mom frowns and signs one of the handful of common phrases we have learned alongside the kana. It doesn't fit perfectly, but I know what she means.

  

  I reply, Then I consider fingerspelling the rest, before realizing I’m not awake enough for that yet. Plus my mom can understand speech, so it’s hard to be motivated to work that hard. So I say, “You know I'm just…socially challenged. But…I think I'm old enough to be okay without my mommy.”

  I am definitely way more reliant on my mom than someone my age should be. It's probably healthy (albeit frightening) for me to be on my own today.

  My mom ughs and then signs, before slowly but methodically spelling things out with the kana,

  Apparently it’s not too early for HER. I guess I should step it up with the fingerspelling too.

  …

  After a morning of sign nguage lessons and yet another delicious lunch prepared by my mother, it’s time for my lipreading lesson. My mom just left, as pnned. She asked me twice whether I was sure it was okay. I was tempted to ask her to stay the second time she asked me, but I was a big girl and told her she could go.

  I feel alone and scared but…I'm keeping it under control. I'm not good with strangers, but I'm kind of used to Ms. Mikado at this point. It'll be fine.

  I can do this.

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath and then I get ready to stand up and head to the living room. But I'm surprised to see Ms. Mikado getting something out of her briefcase while still seated at the table.

  It's her white board. She starts writing on it and then turns it towards me when she's finished.

  Okay, since it's just the two of us today, why don't we stay here? We'll just work on getting you to recognize the four consonants and you can see my lips up close!

  Shit. Shit. SHIT!

  I spent a lot of time visualizing being alone with her to make me less anxious for this. But I was just picturing things going on as normal, just without my mom sitting next to me. This is very, very different.

  But I can't really object. Up close and in person will probably help. Mostly we've looked at images and watched videos so far. Lots of still photos or short animations showing what each of the consonants looks like on people’s lips. But seeing someone right in front of me move their lips in real time as they would in a normal conversation is probably better.

  Even though my heart is in my throat as a result of this unforeseen situation I manage to squeeze out a squeaky, “O-okay.”

  Ms. Mikado smiles, and then she pulls up the slideshow on her computer that she’s shown me before, for each of the four regurly used consonants that use both lips in Japanese. We move through each of them as a review, and I do a good job identifying them when they are on the computer screen. Then she sets the ptop aside, before signing,

  I nod, and then she moves to the chair next to me and turns it sideways so she’s facing me before taking a seat. I move my seat so I'm more squarely facing her too.

  She signs again,

  I nod again, feeling even more anxious than I already did because she’s so close to me now. My heart is thumping hard. Maybe a small part of that is because I think Ms. Mikado is so pretty, but I mostly feel scared. I don’t normally let anyone but my mom get this close to me. If she were here I could probably look at her, and she gives me an encouraging smile and I’d be okay. But she’s not here and I’m not okay. My brain is telling me to give up on this lesson and run away.

  As I’m doing everything I can to hide how overwhelmed and worried I am about the situation, Ms. Mikado says, “Bz.”

  Then she signs a phrase that we learned just for lipreading lessons -

  I was looking at her lips. And I saw them move. But my head feels so…swirly and full of fog that I can’t even remember the four consonants I have to choose from. Or what they look like.

  She repeats herself saying, “Bz,” and signing, all over again.

  The same thing happens. I feel completely overwhelmed. Like I’m experiencing some kind of sensory overload that keeps me from being capable of doing anything.

  “U-um….I….”

  I can't do this. Not alone. I need my mom or I can't even keep my mind clear enough to process things. Plus it doesn't help that I'm supposed to focus on her freaking lips. I’m sure that’s partly why I’m freaking out. Why does it have to be lips? Why can't looking at a less sensual part of her help me understand what she's saying? Like…her elbow. Why don’t we talk with our elbows?

  She narrows her eyes and signs,

  I weigh how to answer for a moment, but while I do she looks at me with concern and grabs her ptop before typing,

  You're very pale and shaky. We can take a break.

  I guess I didn’t even hide how anxious I am. I thought I was at least pulling that off, even if I can’t read lips right now. But I’m 0 for 2.

  Feeling ashamed, I look away from her and nod. Then she signs,

  I shake my head and then she studies me for a moment before typing,

  Are you having a hard time without-,

  She stops typing and signs

  I clench my eyes shut and grit my teeth to keep from getting more upset. It doesn't work. I start to feel tight in my chest as my panic grows.

  God. She sees right through me. So embarrassing. I guess she can tell I'm a socially awkward shut-in. Pretty freaking pathetic, isn't it? I bet she’s never taught an adult who fell to absolute pieces just because their mommy left. I’m such a fucking loser.

  I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

  I hear her start to type again, but I don't dare open my eyes. I don't want to see what she thinks of me.

  But then I feel her gently put her hand on mine. It surprises me, and I jerk my hand away. But I realize she is trying to comfort me and get my attention. I count to three and open my eyes.

  The first thing I see is her smile. And for the first time, I'm happy to see it. I thought for sure I'd see some cracks in her stupid smiley mask as she silently judged me for being such a loser. Or at best, some pity, with her looking down on the poor girl in front of her. But her smile is still there, and if anything it feels even more genuine than it usually does. I find it hard not to smile back and little.

  She points at her screen, “Don't worry! You've really thrown yourself into learning even though what you're going through is super duper hard! It's crazy impressive! :)

  I find myself a little moved by what she typed. Even with the overuse of excmation points and an asinine emoticon at the end.

  She's right. It IS hard. I've been so focused on learning I don't think I've really acknowledged that to myself in a while. It really hasn't been that long since I got hit by a freaking car. I was in a damn coma. I have brain damage.

  And here I am working my ass off to learn a new freaking nguage just so I can live a normal life. Throw in my social anxiety and depression and… it's kind of amazing this is my first break down.

  I manage to gather myself enough to sign the first part of my response. Then I speak the rest while I look down at the floor, “Still a little embarrassing that my mom not being here makes it s-so much…harder.”

  She replies, And then types,

  Especially one as cool as yours!

  I ugh, “Y-yeah. She is cool, huh?”

  She nods energetically,

  Anyway, if you aren't in the right headspace for learning today, we won't do it. We haven't wasted any time so far.

  Oh thank God.

  “A break is a good idea.” “I'll do better next time.”

  She smiles mischievously and signs, she points to the clock, which clearly says it is only 1:20, 40 minutes before our lessons usually end.

  Ugh. I thought she said we would take a break.

  “W-well…what should we do?”

  She signs,

  I ugh wryly, “You don't say.”

  She grins before typing,

  I just figure we can chat! And mix in sign nguage when it's stuff we have covered.

  She stops typing and signs,

  That doesn't really sound like a break…but it is more rexed I guess. I feel more confident with sign than with lipreading. And I've calmed down anyway. Thanks to her.

  

  You've got a really good thing going here--

  

  I'm a little confused by the st part of her statement, so I ask her to sign it again. But it confirms what I thought she said before.

  “Haven't you seen that before?”

  She types,

  Not never. But it isn't common, either.

  I slowly piece my sentence together as I sign,

  She shakes her head and types,

  You'd be surprised. My best friend in high school was born deaf and

  She continues with sign,

  I'm so stunned that I just blurt out, “That's crazy. Sounds like a crappy family.”

  Ms. Mikado ughs awkwardly,

  I'm about to respond with speech, but then I realize I can actually sign what I wanted to ask.

  

  She shakes her head and types,

  I wanted to learn before I met her. I specifically went to a school for the disabled because they had a program for sign nguage.

  She pauses for a few seconds and furrows her brow while her fingers stroke the keyboard lightly.

  I've never seen her think so long before communicating something.

  She continues with sign, She smiles proudly as she types,

  It gave me extra motivation. By my st year I was her interpreter!

  “That’s actually…really impressive that you improved so fast.”

  She crosses her arms and gives me an offended look that would be a lot more effective if she wasn’t also smiling. Then she signs,

  Shit. Well…I kind of am. But given that she does this for a living I really shouldn’t be. Obviously she's good at sign nguage.

  She lets me feel guilty and weigh how to respond for a moment before letting out a loud, “Wahahaha~” and then typing,

  I probably wouldn’t have gotten good so fast on my own,

  She switches to sign,

  She goes back to typing,

  And I had a very good tutor my first two years! An uppercssman. Someone whose native nguage was sign who helped out with the css. I did lots of extra lessons with her.

  As I process what she said, I find myself marveling at her ability to rapidly switch between typing and sign, while somehow remembering what is part of my vocabury and what isn't. She didn't sign anything I wasn't able to understand, despite the fact that there are so many things I still don't know.

  Just as I'm about to tell her as much, and that her old teacher tutor would be proud of her, she signs,

  I surprise myself when I feel a little disappointment that we're done talking.

  …

  I’m sitting at the dining table and reviewing everything we went over today. I just heard the front door open, so I look up and see my mom who gives me a wave and signs,

  

  She nods and gives me a smile, before slowly but surely signing,

  I sigh and slowly fingerspell,

  My mom frowns and sits down next to me. She gives my shoulder a squeeze and grabs her notebook off the table and writes,

  I can stay if it helps you. One hour at work won’t make a big difference.

  I take a deep breath and sign, before continuing with speech, “But I think I’ll be okay. She was…way more understanding than I expected. So…I’m less anxious about freaking out in front of her now, at least.”

  My mom smiles and starts to write. I expect her to be finished pretty quickly. She usually is. But it takes a while, so I go back to studying until she hands me her notebook.

  It doesn’t surprise me she was good with it. She’s a very sweet person, you know. It isn’t an act, like you seem to think. She isn't ‘making’ herself smile. She loves what she does and cares about her students. And I’m sure you’re not her first student to get upset. She teaches people in challenging situations for a living, you know? She couldn’t do that if she weren’t the caring person that she is.

  I sigh as I read her message, realizing that my mom is right that I've been unfair about Ms. Mikado. My first impression about her was wrong, at least in part.

  “You’re right. I finally saw all that today.” I smile mischievously at my mom, “It doesn’t make her less annoying, though.”

  My mom clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes at me in exasperation. It was the reaction I wanted so I ugh.

  “But…it does make me feel more comfortable around her. Knowing that she is so understanding…a-and stuff. So I will be okay on my own with her for an hour each day.”

  …

  It's close to midnight. Haru and I are lying in bed. Her warm, purring little body is pretty soothing. Despite feeling comfortable and sleepy, I'm staring up at the ceiling fan. My head is swimming with thoughts, but in a good way. I don't feel anxious or scared. But I'm still feeling emotions so intensely that I can't sleep. But they are positive emotions.

  Today was such a good day. Which sounds crazy because I had a panic attack. But Ms. Mikado was so cool about it that I feel less stressed than ever about my lessons with her.

  She might be super annoying and all…unnecessarily bubbly all the time, but I think I saw the benefit of that today. Her positive energy and smiles are…kind of infectious. They were what I really needed today when all I had was negative feelings about myself.

  It means so much to me that she didn't look down at me at all for being a complete mess without my mom. She even helped me put things in perspective and made me feel better about myself.

  No one but my own mother has ever been as accepting of what a mess I am between the ears.

  She even gave me a break when I needed it. And even though I was annoyed she didn't just leave, I realize now that she used all that time to encourage me and make me more comfortable. I think if she just let me escape, I would have so much anxiety about our lesson tomorrow. But since we talked things over, I'm not anxious at all.

  She even shared some stuff about herself that definitely made me feel better. And it was nice learning a little more about her, too.

  Beneath the loud ughter, annoying winks, and cutesy matching accessories, she really is a good person. And a good teacher too. I thought she was going to be a really bad fit for me, but it turns out she might be the perfect person for me to learn from.