August 2001

  “You don’t have to do this, you know,” Mariel’s mother’s voice came from the driver’s seat as the blue minivan pulled up to the curb. Mariel’s eyes wandered over to her only briefly, and then to the crowd of students congregating on the concrete apron in front of Kenton Ridge High. Most of them were people she knew, but none of them knew her, at least not this version of her. Those people out there, her ‘peers’ had known a boy named Chris. Chris had worn a buzz cut. Chris had been a football pyer. Chris had worn a letter jacket, and had dated Meredith Schumer, the blonde beauty that had made him the envy of every guy in school. Now, Chris, or rather the illusion of Chris had melted away; the self-assured, sometimes arrogant visage had been repced by a timid, scared girl in a poorly fitted wig, and clothes that had been handed down from her older sister, now off to college in another state.

  Mariel turned her head to look warily at her mother; she resisted the urge to bite her lip, aware of the lipstick she’d applied just an hour before. She felt paralyzed; it was as if her body didn’t want to respond, as if she were a broken toy held together by glue and bits of tape. “Yes I do,” Mariel whispered quietly.

  “Remember what we talked about,” Her mother said, a hint of warning in her voice. “Stay close to Meredith and her friends.”

  “Might as well,” Mariel said in resignation. “It’s not like I have any friends left.”

  Her mother opened her mouth to respond but was immediately interrupted by a rapping on the passenger-side window. Mariel nearly jumped out of her skin as she turned her head, eyes wide to see Meredith standing there, accompanied by her best friend, Amanda.

  “You coming or what?” Meredith called out through the gss. Mariel turned slowly, looking back at her mother.

  “You’d better go,” Her mom said. Mariel almost robotically clicked her seatbelt off, and then gripped the purple backpack between the seats. Almost immediately she felt a hand on her forearm, she looked up at her mother, meeting her eyes. “If it gets to be too much, call me. I love you, remember that. Son, or daughter.”

  “Thanks mom,” Mariel said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ll…I’ll be okay.”

  “I know you will,” Mom said simply. Seconds ter, Mariel was outside of the van, standing between Meredith and Amanda as the blue Caravan disappeared down the road.

  Mariel turned slowly, her eyes scanning the crowd of students as her vision began to swim. Outside of the van she felt exposed, as if she’d left the safety of her cocoon and was now forced to face the real world. A world that felt far more dangerous than it had just three months ago.

  “I guess I owe you five bucks,” Amanda said reluctantly, looking at Meredith. “I didn’t think she’d go through with it.”

  “You didn’t?” Mariel managed to squeak out, drawing an amused look from Amanda.

  “Showing up at school as a girl? Yeah no. I thought you’d chicken out,” Amanda cocked her head. “Think you’ll make it through the day?”

  “Of course she will,” Meredith quickly put her arm around Mariel. “We’re not going to let her worm her way out of this.”

  “That’s uh…reassuring,” Mariel said softly. Meredith didn’t even bother to suppress her giggle.

  “I like your outfit, by the way,” Meredith said, scanning Mariel from head to toe. “Denim is a pretty bold choice.”

  “Yeah my uh…sister…gave me some stuff,” Mariel managed to stammer. Meredith looked at her.

  “I’m aware,” Meredith said ftly. “I spent the entire summer with you.”

  “Yeah, yeah of course,” Mariel nodded, her cheeks flushed. “Sorry.”

  “Still,” Amanda said. “Jean jacket, denim skirt – long denim skirt even. You know we’re not in middle school anymore, right?”

  “I…” Mariel stammered again. Meredith grabbed her hand.

  “Don’t worry about it,” She told her. “We’ll set you right. Come on, let’s go in.”

  The walk to the front door of the school took only a few seconds but for Mariel it might as well have been hours. As she’d stood there speaking to Meredith and Amanda she’d been hyper-aware of the other students slowly taking notice of her: some staring, some gawking, others ughing and now they parted for the trio, like the Red Sea.

  “Try not to piss yourself,” Meredith advised Mariel as they reached the top of the steps. She put her hand on the metal door handle and gave her a sidelong gnce. “You’re not the only one who lost friends.”

  “I…I don’t know what to say to that,” Mariel admitted as Amanda basically shoved her through the door. They emerged into the common area – a rge space filled with round tables and multi-colored chairs. On the wall to the right, a duck head was painted in red and white with the moniker: “Go Ducks!” Written in block letters beneath it. Ducks. God they could have picked a better mascot.

  The idea that Meredith had ‘lost friends’ quickly lost believability as they approached one of the longer tables where ten other girls sat – some of them Mariel recognized as cheerleaders and others were popur for other reasons. A few guys stood around the table, and Mariel recognized them all. She dared to steal a few gnces but then quickly put her head down as Meredith pulled a chair out for her, practically forcing her to sit down.

  “Stay there,” Meredith whispered into her ear. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

  As Mariel took her seat between two other girls, she could feel the right one scooting her chair away and making an effort to slide her open trapper keeper across the table. Mariel gnced over, quickly, and then looked away as a feeling of shame began to manifest.

  “Hey,” The girl said, looking directly at her. “I just don’t like being crowded.”

  “Oh…” Mariel nodded, suddenly at a loss for words. “I…”

  “You recognize me right?” The girl said loudly. “It’s me, Tabitha. You look like you’re about to puke.”

  “Right, Tabitha,” Mariel nodded, trying to ignore the queasy feeling that was manifesting in the pit of her stomach. “I…um…”

  “You have a pen I can borrow?” Tabitha asked suddenly.

  “A…a pen?” Mariel actively resisted the urge to cmp a hand over her mouth to keep the impending vomit storm from manifesting.

  Behind her, Meredith unzipped her backpack and dropped Mariel’s trapper keeper onto the table in front of her. Mariel froze for a moment, but Tabitha took no time opening it and grabbing one of the gel pens from the interior pocket.

  “Thannnnk you,” Tabitha said as she used the pen to scratch out something on the paper in front of her. “I didn’t want to do this in pencil.”

  “Why don’t you have pens, Tab?” Meredith asked, stepping around the table. Her voice was nearly lost in the murmur of the crowded common area.

  “My mom bought me a bunch but I left them at home. Strong start to the year, I know.”

  “If that’s the only thing that goes wrong this year…” Meredith didn’t look at Mariel, but Mariel felt the implication.

  “Here,” Tabitha said, holding the pen out for Mariel to take. Mariel took it quietly and held it in her hand, practically terrified to even more.

  “Are you okay?” Tabitha turned toward her. “Like…you look like a deer in headlights.”

  “I…um…”

  “Try getting words out,” Meredith suggested. “People can’t understand you if you don’t use words.”

  “So how did this happen?” Tabitha asked suddenly. Almost immediately, conversation at the table stopped as everyone turned their head toward the end where Mariel was sandwiched between Amanda and Tabitha, with Meredith standing behind. Meredith shot her a dirty look.

  “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about it,” Meredith said firmly.

  “Well, I’m talking about it,” Tabitha said. “If we’re going to go to the same school, go to the same csses, use the same bathroom, I really need to know-”

  “It’s okay,” Mariel said quickly. “I…I can talk about it.”

  “Don’t feel pressured,” Meredith said, a hint of warning in her voice.

  “It…um…it happened st year, just before summer break,” Mariel said quickly. “I told Meredith and…”

  “And she dumped you?” Another girl asked, a smirk on her face. Mariel nodded slowly.

  “Well, I’m not into girls,” Meredith expined; the other girl cocked her head.

  “So…you consider her…to be a girl? Like, an actual girl?” The girl asked.

  “Yes, Menie,” Meredith pced her hands on her hips. “Don’t make it weird.”

  “And you broke up with hi….her?” Menie frowned. “Sorry this is…so weird.”

  “What’s weird about it?” Meredith demanded.

  “Um, that’s pretty obvious,” Amanda cut in from beside Mariel, drawing a gre from Meredith. “Okay look, you two were like, a power couple. Everyone in our css like, wanted to be you two. Now you’re single, and she’s a girl. People are going to have questions.”

  “And it’s none of their business,” Meredith reminded her.

  “Okay, but what about you two?” Menie wagged her finger between Mariel and Amanda. “You two hated each other and now you’re all buddy buddy?”

  “Wouldn’t call it that,” Amanda muttered.

  Any further conversation, or rather interrogation was cut off suddenly as the bell rang and students in the common room began to make their way toward their cssrooms. They sprawled out in all directions, each heading toward one of the four branching hallways. Meredith practically pulled Mariel from her seat, handing her the purple backpack and shoving the trapper keeper into her arms. As they walked down the busy hallway, Mariel’s eyes scanned the crowd, and finally id eyes on Brian, the new team captain. The team she’d abandoned when she’d made her choice. Except it wasn’t really a choice, was it? That’s what she tried to tell herself, and yet…

  Brian met her stare, and she immediately recognized the look of disgust in the eyes of her former best friend. Her first instinct was to run, but where? The st thing she wanted to do was cause a scene, but suddenly she felt small, helpless, and wanted to vanish. She immediately felt Meredith’s hand on her arm, guiding her toward a cssroom to the left. Fortunately, Brian broke his gaze and continued on with his friends. Friends that Chris had known well. Friends that Chris had hung out with. Partied with, celebrated victories with. Friends that Mariel could never know. Her heart suddenly ached for what she’d left behind.

  She had little time to think as she found herself pushed into a Mr. Eaton’s history css, taking a seat near the back at one of the wooden desks. She smoothed her skirt out as she sat, tensing until she saw Meredith take a seat at the desk beside her. Mariel shot a wary gnce at Meredith, realizing that the st time they sat in a cssroom together, they were together, and not in this weird friendly way that they’d devised. No, this was something different and while she enjoyed it to an extent, she wasn’t comfortable. Nervous, or scared shitless might be a better way to put it.

  “You’re okay,” Meredith mouthed silently. Mariel shook her head in response; Meredith raised an eyebrow.

  “Welcome, to Social Studies two,” Mr. Eaton, a thin middle aged man announced as he cleared his throat and stepped around the perimeter of the cssroom until he faced the students. He straightened his tie and turned to the bckboard, taking a piece of white chalk between two fingers and writing his name across the board in quick, precise strokes. “My name is Mr. Eaton, and for the next year I have the unfortunate job of teaching you the workings of society. We’ll be taking a look at economics, civics, and the government in general. Most of you won’t learn anything here, and unfortunately you’ll be allowed to take on the responsibility of voting in not only local matters, but our presidential election. God help us all.”

  A ripple of ughter wafted through the cssroom but was almost immediately silenced as the students took note of Mr. Eaton’s stern look. Instead of commenting further, he gnced at his clipboard and began to call attendance. He called the names of the students one out of time until he was abruptly interrupted by the opening of the cssroom door. A thin boy emerged, dressed in a white t-shirt and a pin green army blouse.

  “And who might you be?” Mr. Eaton asked the newcomer, who froze, then finally answered.

  “I’m uh…Harris,” He said. “Harris Keilman.”

  “Well, Mr. Keilman,” Mr. Eaton said, lowering the clipboard. “I don’t know how things worked for you st year, but I expect you to be on time. Next time it’s detention,” Mr. Eaton gestured toward an empty seat, which Harris immediately took. Mr. Eaton continued taking attendance; with each name called, a hand was raised, until he came to Mariel. “Christopher Barnes?”

  A hush fell over the room which was immediately broken by scattered snickering and uncomfortable shuffling. Mariel looked to Meredith with pleading eyes as Meredith finally spoke up.

  “She goes by Mariel,” Meredith said in an almost non-committal tone.

  “And I go by what’s in your school records,” Mr. Eaton said, looking directly at Mariel. “And the government will go by what’s on your birth certificate. Are you seeing a pattern, Mr. Barnes? You can call yourself anything you want, but it won’t change who you are. Now, Rachel Lee, present?”

  ***

  The rest of first period went as normally as it could, and as soon as they stepped into the hallway, Mariel muttered that she wanted to be alone, leaving Meredith behind with her protests.

  The halls of the school were both familiar and foreign to Mariel as she pushed through the crowds of students, ignoring the btant snickering as she passed by the occasional crowd or clique. Taking a right turn, she found herself heading toward the gymnasium – at least it would be quiet. Pushing through the double doors, she pressed on, walking toward the center of the darkened gym and standing on the three-point line. She closed her eyes, taking in the silence as the hum of conversations and the occasional shout faded away. The bell would be ringing soon, but she found herself hard pressed to actually care; for the moment, the silence was exactly what she needed.

  She closed her eyes for a moment, basking in the silence as it grew. The gym was familiar to her, at least; she’d spent many a day here, especially during the month the football field was being re-turfed and they’d had to run drills indoors. Of course she’d hated it; she’d only pyed football because it was expected. Because her older brother had done it. Her older brother who hadn’t spoken to her since…since her ‘decision’. Or rather her ‘choice’ as he liked to call it.

  When she opened her eyes again, Brian was walking toward her, emerging from the locker room at the far end. She froze in pce, watching as he made his way toward her, stopping at the center court. They studied eachother for a moment; Brian was built simir to her, or at least how she used to be. Before the diet, before the exercise, before she’d let go of her hard-earned gains. Three months had made a difference. Brian wore his hair short; a high and tight, military style and the bulging vein on his forehead revealed a lot about his mood here.

  “So you really did it,” Brian said, looking Mariel up and down. “You really went and turned into a fag.”

  “Brian!” Mariel’s eyes went wide; she took a step back, nearly stumbling over her own feet as she moved away from the three point line. The entire scene was surreal, with Brian standing in the light projected by the pte gss windows high up on the gymnasium walls. The light shafts came down at an angle, meeting in the center to give the center of the court an eerie, bright white glow while the rest of the space remained surrounded in darkness. Brian stepped forward, into the darkness, his hardened features becoming more visible almost immediately.

  “So you really did this shit,” The tone of disgust was evident in Brian’s tone. “You abandoned your team? Your friends? Just so you could dress like a bitch?”

  “Brian…” Mariel’s voice caught in her throat. She swallowed hard and then continued. “Coach kicked me off the team, maybe if you talk to him-”

  “No one. Wants to py. With a fag,” Brian snarled, stepping closer. “Why don’t you be a man, take all that shit off, and then you can come back and be the waterboy.”

  “Brian, I- I wasn’t doing well,” Mariel tried to expin. “I don’t know how to expin it, I just feel…I feel more like myself now, I-”

  “Save it,” Brian snapped as he walked to the edge of the court, stopping at a rolling rack of basketballs. He plucked one off of the wire rack and walked it to the center court, dribbling as he went. Each impact of rubber-on-wood echoed through the empty gymnasium, until finally, Brian stood a good five feet away from Mariel, the ball steady between his palms. “No one wants to hear your sorry bullshit.”

  “We can still be friends,” Mariel nearly whispered. “I…I miss you and-”

  “Stop being so fucking gay,” Brian snapped. “Guys don’t say that shit to eachother.”

  “I’m not a-”

  Mariel’s words were cut off immediately as Brian thrust the ball in her direction, hard. It impacted her nose, the pain radiating across her face as the ball bounced away and she fell to the floor, blood dripping down her lip as a pained shriek escaped her lips. She slowly reached a hand to her face, hardly daring to touch the throbbing flesh as Brian took the ball and dribbled it again. Mariel made a half-hearted attempt to stand, but Brian flung the ball again, this time striking her in the chest. She fell ft against the floor, the edges of her fingers digging at the wooden pnks as she choked back tears.

  “Other schools are ughing at us,” Brian continued to dribble. “Shawnee’s calling us the ‘Girly Boys’. Whatever the fuck that means. You should’ve thought about your team, your friends before you went and did this dumb shit.”

  “Brian,” She said hopelessly as a trickle of blood escaped her nose and dribbled down her lip. Brian stepped forward to speak again, but this time was immediately cut off. His words caught in his throat, and his body began to seize as Mariel looked on in horror. He crumpled to the ground, his body suddenly lifeless. Mariel gasped to see Harris, from Social Studies standing there, his hand outstretched. “H…Harris?”

  “You should go,” Harris said quietly. “Before someone thinks you did it.”

  “What did you do to him?” Mariel scrambled to her feet; she hadn’t seen Harris touch him, he was actually standing a good distance away. She gasped again as she looked down at Brian, his skin taking on a yellow hue. “What did you do to him?!”

  Harris walked away, toward the locker rooms. Mariel stared down in horror at Brian for a few more seconds, and then she ran.