I woke up the next morning and went for breakfast, where I was confronted by Niel and a few of the locals while I was stuffing my face with pancakes and eggs. My hands were slightly sticky as the leaders of the town introduced themselves and shook hands with me. I was a little surprised that they seemed to be actually deferential, but they sat at the table with me and got down to business.

  “You were pying with my daughter st night,” the mayor of the town told me. “Heather?”

  “Yes sir,” I said. “At the basketball court.”

  “You like her?”

  “She’s alright.”

  The man nodded. “Your name is Glen Ashford, right?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “As in THE Ashfords? What’s your retionship to Norman?”

  “He’s my grandfather.”

  “Can you prove that?”

  “What do I fucking look like, a priest?” I asked him, shrugging. “If you don’t believe me you can fuck off.”

  “Sorry. I mean, we can prove that you’re telling the truth, if you accept a blessing,” the man crified. “That you have his blood in you, that is. Will you—“

  “Where is this fucking going, sir?”

  “The our town needs new blood,” the man admitted.

  “Oh,” I said, and I suddenly understood perfectly where this was going. “That’s why we’re staying the week.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “And you want me to sleep with your daughter,” I said.

  “We want the Ashford genes, if you’re amenable,” he said. “Doesn’t have to be Heather. You can have your pick of our women. Or, if you’re not interested, we’d pay just for a semen sample. We’d be happy to use the turkey baster option.”

  I was quiet for a moment as I thought through the options. “What does Heather think of the situation?”

  “I haven’t talked to her yet,” the man admitted.

  “Yeah, well, go fucking do that before you bug me again,” I suggested.

  “I need to know that you have Ashford genes before I commit—“

  “Then get your fucking priest to confirm it or whatever the fuck,” I said impatiently, smming the fork down on the table. “Look, whatever. You’re coming to me not the other way around. I got a girl back home and I got my right hand and between those two things I don’t give a shit about your little town, got it?”

  “Yeah, kid, we understand,” the mayor said. He looked at the priest, who took out a crucifix. “Would you just hold this for a moment?”

  “Whatever,” I said, taking it. It fshed briefly, then glowed until I handed it back to the priest. “Satisfied.”

  “Yes. I’ll spread the word. If you’re interested in any of our women, just let us know. Otherwise, if you’re willing to—“

  “I know how to jerk off into a cup without you telling me how,” I said. “Piss off, you’re ruining my breakfast.”

  And they left me alone after that.

  #