Under the silver shimmer of the shattered moon above us, Hoe-lin Gourd and I exhumed the wooden casket containing the Jade mistress. The coffin creaked and groaned in protest as we pried it open with an old crowbar provided by my corpse exhumation assistant—almost as if the wood itself was trying to warn us that we were making a terrible decision.

  "There she is!" Hoe-lin exclaimed, his breath visible in the cool night air. "Angry, even in death!"

  He wasn't wrong. The deceased cultivator's face was frozen in a permanent scowl, her skin an unnatural shade of purple that reminded me of a particularly aggressive eggplant.

  "Let's get that pendant first," Hoe-lin said, reaching greedily toward the purple jade ornament resting on her chest. The pendant featured a carving of a pretty girl sitting under a tree that spread its branches across the coin-shaped gemstone like lightning.

  The moment his fingers touched the jade, Hoe-lin's face went from eager to horrified faster than an undergraduate changing their major after first-semester calculus. He snatched his hand back as if the pendant had bitten him. "Gah!"

  "Nope, nope, definitely cursed," he stammered, backing away from the coffin as if it had burned him. "Felt like someone poured ice water down my spine while simultaneously whispering all my worst fears directly into my brain."

  "Really?" I asked. "What did you see or hear?"

  "An angry scream and a ghostly… violet figure of the blasted Mistress threatening me with death and dismemberment,' Hoe-lin shuddered.

  When in Rome…

  I grabbed the pendant.

  As my fingers closed around the pendant, a jolt of electricity shot up my arm making me shudder.

  "Who dares disturb my meditation?!" a voice barked directly into my brain, bypassing my ears entirely.

  “Uhm.” I said, trying to put on my professional face. “My name is Researcher Wei Cabbage-Heart. Whom am I speaking to?”

  "I am Zheniya the Chrysanthemum Barracuda, and I am achieving transcendence! PISS OFF BEFORE I SMITE YOU, PEASANT!"

  The voice had the subtlety of a foghorn and the charm of a cheese grater against bare skin. I instinctively dropped the pendant back onto the corpse.

  "Well, that was unpleasant," I muttered, flexing my tingling fingers.

  "See? Told you it was cursed!" Hoe-lin whispered.

  "Hmm." I reached for the pendant again, this time mentally preparing myself.

  "Again you interrupt my cultivation breakthrough?!” The ghost barked, nearly deafening me as soon as my skin made contact. In my mind's eye, I could see a purple, translucent figure of a woman, blurry features contorted with annoyance, her ghostly hands arranged in a meditation pose.

  "Interesting," I said.

  "Interesting?!" The spectral voice dripped with indignation. "I am in the middle of a critical spiritual ascension! This is not 'interesting,' this is sacred! How dare you—”

  I let go of the pendant again. The voice disappeared instantly.

  My newfound grave-robbing accomplice was practically vibrating with nervous energy a few feet away, clutching his shovel like it was his last line of defense. The shattered moon overhead cast jagged silver light across the scene, making the whole thing feel like we’d stumbled into a low-budget horror opera.

  I glanced at the purple jade pendant resting on Zheniya’s chest, glinting faintly like it was daring me to touch it again. That thing was trouble—capital T, underlined, bolded, and annotated with “do not poke” in red ink. But I’d never been great at following such metaphorical warnings. So, naturally, I reached for the pendant again.

  The moment my fingers grazed the jade, Zheniya’s voice exploded in my head like a firecracker in a tin can. “CEASE THIS AT ONCE! HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY TRANSCENDENCE! I WILL SCORCH YOUR SOUL TO ASHES AND FEED YOUR ESSENCE TO THE VOID DEMONS OF THE ASTRAL ABYSS!”

  I yanked my hand back, and the voice cut off like I’d flipped a switch. Silence. Blessed, beautiful silence. I blinked, then looked at Hoe-lin, who was staring at me with horrified eyes.

  “Did you hear that?” I asked, pointing at the pendant.

  “Hear what?” he squeaked, gripping his shovel tighter. “All I hear is my heart trying to escape my chest!”

  I grinned. This was too good. I reached for the pendant again, giving it a quick tap like I was testing a microphone. “Hello? Angry ghost lady? You still in there?”

  “INSOLENT WORM!” Zheniya’s voice roared back. “I AM ZHENIYA, CHRYSANTHEMUM BARRACUDA, AND I WILL—"

  I let go. Silence again. I couldn’t help it—I burst out laughing, doubling over as Hoe-lin gaped at me like I’d lost my mind.

  “What are you doing?” he hissed, glancing around as if expecting purple lightning to strike us both dead.

  “Turning her on and off,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. “It’s like she’s a magical walkie-talkie with an attitude problem. This is amazing.”

  Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  I grabbed the pendant again.

  “—REDUCE YOU TO A SMEAR OF REGRET ACROSS THE COSMOS!” Zheniya’s voice picked up right where it left off, her ghostly image flaring in my mind’s eye. She was posed mid-meditation, all dramatic hand gestures and glowing purple eyes, looking like she was about to unleash the mother of all tantrums.

  I dropped the pendant. Silence. I grabbed it again.

  “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I—"

  Off. On.

  “—AM? I WILL—”

  Off. I was cackling even more now, barely able to stand upright. “This is the best thing that’s happened to me since I got isekai’d into this disaster of a body,” I wheezed. “She’s like a spectral Siri with a vendetta.”

  Hoe-lin was not amused. “Stop that! You’re gonna get us cursed!” he whisper-shouted, waving his shovel at me like he was warding off evil spirits.

  "Look, Zheniya, there's something you should know about your current... meditation state." I said, grabbing the pedant once again.

  "I said–be gone! You are interfering with my ascension to the Divine Lightning Realm!" she fumed, her voice vibrating with ethereal fury.

  "Actually, I'm interfering with your permanent residence in a wooden box six feet underground," I said. "You see, you're not meditating. You're dead."

  "WHAT?! Preposterous! I am simply in a very deep cultivation trance. My physical form appears asleep to lesser cultivators, but my spiritual essence is very much—"

  "Nah. You were poisoned," I interrupted. "Sunset Widow spiderlings in your tea. They found your dead body, packed it into this coffin, and put you in the ground two days ago."

  A long pause followed, during which I imagined the spiritual equivalent of cognitive gears grinding to a halt.

  "That's... that's absurd," she finally responded, but with notably less conviction. "If I were truly dead, how could I be speaking to you?"

  "Presumably, your soul is bound to this pendant," I explained, dangling the purple jade. “Which is pretty interesting from a scientific point of view because it's proof that souls exist. Or something like souls. Maybe you’re some kind of a magical recording that persists after death, an idea of a person somehow permanently written into crystal,” I rubbed my chin.

  “WHAT?!" The indignation in her voice became tinged with the first notes of existential horror. "That’s… That’s impossible! I cannot be... deceased. I am meant to achieve immortality!"

  "Well, technically, haunting a pendant for all eternity is a form of immortality," I offered helpfully. "Just not the kind with a physical body and the ability to explode soup vendors."

  The pendant sat in my hand as Zheniya's ghost processed this information.

  "If what you say is true," she said, "then who dared poisoned me?"

  "The list of suspects includes roughly everyone in Rainbow Toad Town," I replied. "You weren't exactly beloved by the masses."

  "Nonsense! The common folk respected and feared me! They bowed when I passed!"

  "Out of terror. Consider this evidence–there's a man here who comes to urinate on your grave daily. He's just helped me dig up your corpse."

  Hoe-lin froze like a theoretical particle subjected to absolute zero observation. "Did you have to mention all of that?!"

  I let go of the pendant and the ghost girl vanished.

  “What’s she gonna do?” I asked. “She’s dead and I can turn her off!"

  Hoe-lin thrust his rusty shovel into my hands with the enthusiasm of someone handing over a venomous snake. "You know what? I just remembered I have an urgent... thing. At home. Right now."

  "What, don't you want this lovely cursed pendant?" I asked, wiggling the pendant at his face.

  Hoe-lin backed away so quickly he nearly tripped over a neighboring gravestone. "Nope! No! Don't want it! Don't need it! Wouldn't take it if you paid me in Imperial gold! Some risks aren't worth taking, and arguing with a ghost definitely tops that list!"

  "But what about the cabbages?" I called after him.

  "Keep your damned haunted vegetables!" he shouted over his shoulder, already sprinting toward the cemetery gate. "I prefer my dinner without a side of spectral possession!"

  And just like that, I was alone in a graveyard with a corpse, a cursed pendant, a shovel, a crowbar on the ground and absolutely no training in paranormal interaction.

  Perfect.

  I bagged the corpse and the pendant and groaned picking up the bag. Human bodies were heavy, but I was a bit stronger than the average person thanks to general body-reinforcing cultivation, which Wei somehow did manage to achieve without exploding.

  I pushed a bit Qi into my eyes to see in the dark clearer as I walked from the cemetery. The world around me ignited with silver sparks. Feeling a tad lonely, I grabbed the pendant in my pocket with my fingers.

  Instantly, the angry cultivator girl was back at my side. “YOU! INSOLENT MORTAL! RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT!”

  “Zheniya, you’re not exactly in a position to make demands,” I said. “You’re a voice in a rock. I could chuck you into a river, and you’d spend eternity yelling at fish.”

  “W-what? You would dare…”

  “Yes. I would. Technically, I own you now.”

  “WHAT?!”

  “I bought you in exchange for a bottle of really old, forgotten wine from the cemetery caretaker.”

  “YOU DARE MOCK ME?” Her spectral screech was so loud I winced, nearly dropping the sack. “I AM THE CHRYSANTHEMUM BARRACUDA, SCION OF LIGHTNING AND DESTINED FOR IMMORTALITY! AND YOU—YOU’RE—”

  Her voice faltered as she tried and failed to pick an adjective to describe me. Her translucent purple figure was standing beside me, floating along as I walked. Her arms were crossed, her face twisted in a fierce scowl. But her eyes… they weren’t looking at me. They were darting around, unfocused, like she was trying to see something just out of reach.

  “Zheniya,” I said, slowing my pace, “can you actually see anything right now?”

  “Of course I can see! I am a cultivator of unparalleled—” Her voice faltered, and she waved a hand in front of her face, her fingers passing through the air without resistance. “Why… why can’t I see my own hand? This is absurd! My spiritual senses are flawless!”

  I raised an eyebrow, adjusting the sack on my shoulder. “You’re dead, remember? No body, no eyes. I’m guessing your ‘spiritual senses’ are about as useful as a broken abacus right now.”

  “Damnation!” She growled.

  I glanced at the pendant dangling from my hand, its purple jade glinting faintly, practically pulsing with her electric indignation. The thing was clearly more than just a fancy trinket—it was her anchor, her prison, and apparently my new personal ghost pet rock.

  My fingers tingled where I gripped it, and a reckless idea sparked in my mind, the kind that usually ended with Wei upside down in a tree or setting something on fire. Wei Cabbage-Heart’s track record wasn’t exactly inspiring, but I wasn’t him, not really. I was a physicist in a cultivator’s body, and if this world ran on magical nonsense like Qi, I was going to science the hell out of it.

  “Let’s try something,” I muttered, more to myself than to the raging ghost. I focused inward, feeling that strange, warm hum in my chest—my oversized heart core, the one Frost-Pine had called a liability. It wasn’t great for shooting lightning bolts or looking cool in front of senior disciples, but it was fantastic at spreading energy like a leaky faucet. I pushed a trickle of Qi into the pendant, just a little, like topping off a battery.

  “Please don’t explode,” I muttered.

  “WHAT?!” The highborn girl yelped as her figure shimmered and flickered like TV static.