“Slayer Team, this is a real problem.”

  “Kotone, I’m the only one here,” Chunhua lied, as she was sandwiched between Mister Dinosaur and Madam Puppy. “When you said you wanted a ‘serious conversation,’ I thought… Never mind.”

  “This is a serious conversation!” Kotone held up a small whiteboard and showed her roommate—and long-time crush, no big deal—the topic of today’s conversation: CONQERER SUCKS!!!?! “I’m announcing that I’m his number one hater.”

  Chunhua scowled, rested an elbow on her thigh, and turned to Madam Puppy. “Do you hear her? No, of course you don’t, you are a plushie and your owner doesn’t know how to spell.”

  “Is it misspelled—? Oh.” Using her sleeve, Kotone erased her error and corrected it: CONQERER SUCKS! “There. One exclamation mark.”

  “I… Okay.”

  Kotone set the whiteboard down and wagged the marker around. “All of you know why I’ve turned heel: this jerk is copying everything I do! A few days ago, he awakened to his esper powers! Just the other day, he copied my [Psionic Pylons]! At this rate, he’s gonna learn guitar and learn how to sing and I’ll be out of a job!”

  Chunhua sighed. Mister Dinosaur fell over and thudded against her shoulder; she quietly knocked him upright only for him to fall on the other side. “I think your fears are unfounded. Alexander—” (“He Who Shall Not Be Named.”) “—Alexander imitates you because you’re clearly powerful.”

  “He stole everything from me.”

  “Like…?”

  “Soon, I’ll challenge him to claim my name back.” Kotone raised the marker high like it was a sword and she was a beautiful king. “I just have to survive a few more sessions with Sophos and I’ll have my Excalibur!”

  “Speaking of Sophos, how did the last session go?”

  Kotone lowered her arms. “Uh…”

  *

  “This is when I took Chie out of the city.”

  “This is when she finished her tenth [Yokai].”

  “This is when I kidnapped Chie for a late-night slumber party.”

  “This is when—”

  *

  “...She talked about Chie. A lot.” If I didn’t know better, Sophos sounded like her adoptive mom—or grandma, because she’s really old. “It was really weird, but do you know what else is weird? Conqueror!”

  “I’m very happy that you’re finding ways to spend your vacation…” Chunhua laid a graceful hand over her cheek, halfway between face-palming and massaging a migraine.

  Kotone flipped the marker around her fingers and said, “And we’re gonna spend it by pranking Conqueror.” (“Pardon?”) “No pardons for his punishment! For the crime of taking my spot on the team, we’re gonna prank him so hard that he rolls over and cries and however else he grieves!”

  Chunhua already looked drained and the plan hadn’t been explained yet! “Kotone, sweetheart, do you remember the last time you tried pranking our old professor?” (“Yeah?”) “And Victor?” (“Mhm.”) “And whoever-her-name when we were second-years?” (“Obviously, she was cute.”) “You don’t have a winning track record.”

  “Perhaps, but I’m smarter and stronger now. Plus, unlike in OU, we have an unlimited supply of friends. Including…!” Kotone gestured widely down the hall like someone would come down.

  Like someone would come down.

  Like someone would come down—!

  “Hey, I’m giving the signal! Get out here already!” Kotone loudly hissed while maintaining the awkward position and making jazz-hands.

  “Oh! My apologies!” From Kotone’s bedroom, the famous Amamizu Rei hurried over and took his rightful place beside the Master Prankster. Like the unrivaled kensei he was destined to be, he proudly stood in front of the (gorgeous, sexy, leg-weakening) cultivator.

  Chunhua was more concerned with staring down the hall like a ghost had run through. “What—? Why—? How long has Rei been in our home?!”

  Rei raised a fist close to his heart with the determination of a warrior. “I swear on my honor as Rain that we will defeat Kotone’s greatest enemy!”

  “Alexander Shen!” declared Kotone.

  “Alexander—who?!” (“Alexander Shen.”) “Eh?! You told me we were fighting a villain!”

  Kotone pushed up her imaginary and intelligent glasses. “The worst villain to walk this planet. He stole my specialty, he stole my signature, so I will steal his happiness—and you guys will help me! Together, we have the power to take down gods! So listen closely, because I won’t repeat my masterplan again!”

  ***

  “This…is your first step of your plan? Figuring out what Alex is doing today?”

  “It’s kinda weird that you’re asking that now.”

  “I’ve been asking the same question for the past three kilometers,” said Chunhua, unhappily wearing her mustache as the Conqueror Prankster Squad strolled through downtown Ordo.

  They were getting weird looks, but let’s be honest, this city had seen stranger things. Way stranger than an esper, a cultivator, and a kensei wearing fake mustaches and shades. What were they doing? They were following the electronic trail of a very special person: their mark, their enemy, their nemesis.

  “Err…” Rei wore a detective’s cap that was a size too small for his head. “Isn’t Senpai an expert in counter-surveillance? Wouldn’t he notice us?”

  Chunhua hunched her shoulders. “Everyone is noticing us. Even children. A few minutes ago, a baby in a stroller laughed at us with her gummed lips. I’ve never felt more humiliated.”

  “Babies laugh at everything,” Kotone fought, tsking. “C’mon, think about it. Alex has super-soldier instincts, but what would he least expect?”

  “A bullet to the head?” answered Chunhua.

  “A knife to the heart?” and answered Rei.

  “It’s not that dark—!” (“Senpai is a very dark person.”) “—well, yeah, but he wouldn’t expect ridiculously obvious disguises. We look so crazy that he’ll cross us off as maniacs and carry on with his day.”

  Rei’s head slumped as far as it could go. “I… I don’t think that’s how it works, Kotone-chan. What about—”

  “We’re here!” Kotone stopped the team in front of a bookstore. An ordinary bookstore but they had an outdoor reading area, a perfect location to set up surveillance.

  Because directly across the street was Alex’s location: a cafe. Why did Kotone have his location? Better question, why was his location even available? Quite the simple answer: everyone in the Special Task Force, in fact, had each other’s location on their phones just in case a city-wide catastrophe happened and they needed to regroup. Insurance, basically.

  And Kotone may be the reason why their insurance would be revoked in the near future.

  Sitting down at one of the rustic wooden tables, she leered across the cafe: Lizza’s Place. It was a fairly popular location in Ordo, a common tourist destination and well-known for serving popular Slayers. Kotone always wanted to stop by but money money money. Yet for the ex-corpo, money wasn’t a concern anymore.

  Chunhua sat down across from Kotone and took off her mustache, barely putting in the effort to search for Alex.

  But Rei? He was actively searching despite the decrease in morale— “I see him!”

  Although Rei didn’t point or say anything else beyond those three words, Kotone spotted the target as well: a tall, black-haired and broad-shouldered villain who surprisingly dressed up for today. Rectangle frames squaring his eyes; a dark, buttoned jacket clinging tightly to his figure; and nice-looking pants sporting the same color. He was a function-over-fashion kind of guy, but this level of style was unheard of for him.

  Fortunately for the team, he picked a table decently close to the window, yet decoration and other customers partly obscured their visibility.

  After locating Alexander, Chunhua extended her neck and squinted. While there was a good amount of distance between him and the team, her cultivator senses accounted for the impediments. “...Did he tell you what he was doing today?”

  “Why would I ask that?” replied Kotone, keeping her focus.

  “I… Never mind. I’m only asking because he’s sitting with someone, and I don’t think I recognize her.”

  “Maybe it’s—wait.”

  Kotone opened the camera on her phone, zooming in as much as the lens would allow. On the other side of the table was a woman and her name wasn’t Leona Ryu. She was instead a pale, silver mystery, smiling and rosy-cheeked, suspiciously enjoying his company. Like him, she had gone through her wardrobe and today’s theme was a cross between cute and incognito. An adorable black beret, shades on the table and a face-mask hooked under her chin, and…taped ears? Or maybe Kotone was seeing things, because personally, that silver hair seemed familiar.

  Really familiar.

  Where had she seen her before…?

  Chunhua gasped. “No, that’s—”

  “HE’S ON A DATE WITH—?!”

  Rei shoved his detective’s cap against Kotone’s mouth, preventing a catastrophic mistake. However, her split-second of screaming attracted attention from nearby pedestrians, but thankfully the two lovebirds didn’t notice the disturbance. Of course they wouldn’t, because they were too captured in each other’s pretty eyes to think about anything else but them!

  This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  Kotone tore off her disguise, everything falling and bouncing on the table, and she furiously stood. “YOU—!”

  Rei pushed her back in the chair. “Kotone-chan, we should abort the operation! Even I know this is not a matter we should interfere with!”

  “No, this is exactly why we should interfere.” Kotone slammed a fist on the table. “How dare he enjoy a coffee date with Silverhonor?! I thought he liked Leo! Chunhua—!”

  Chunhua was so stunned by the revelation that she was basically frozen.

  “I’ll get back to you later!” Kotone turned to Rei again. “Listen to me, Rei. The senpai you know and love is nothing like the bully I’ve known for the past three years. Do you know how many times he thought about romance? Once, but now? He’s sitting at a table, alone, with Miss Ordo and Leo is nowhere to be seen. I can’t forgive him for this. I’m calling for execution.”

  “I… Uhm, forgive me for my limited knowledge in romance, but shouldn’t we support our comrades and want the best for them?”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Okay, let’s calm down and…” Chunhua rubbed the sides of her head, the information too eldritch for her to process. “I’m sorry, what we’re seeing is ridiculous. I can’t believe this is happening.”

  Rei appealed to her instead, “Even though it’s ridiculous, although my knowledge in the area is lacking, I’ve watched dozens of anime rom-coms and derived two important lessons: love comes from the most ridiculous places, and fan-service is king!” (“Pardon?”) “That’s what Chie told me! So please, we should leave them be.”

  Chunhua thought long and hard about this— “No.” Never mind, she only needed a second to think. “I was convinced he liked that demonic mutt. I was even counting the days until their marriage, but this crosses the line.”

  Kotone pumped her fist. “Exactly.”

  “Chunhua-san—?!”

  “Alexander is fond of martial beauties more than exotic diamonds like Silverhonor. To see him betray the Demonic Cult is a disgrace to his character. I don’t want to offend the elf, but she’s not the one for him.”

  “So what’s the plan?” Kotone wore her shades, peering darkly into the cafe (and she couldn’t see a single thing).

  “You know what you should do.” (“W-Wait, we shouldn’t!”) “You have the powers.”

  “I do, but the risk is pretty high.” (“We really shouldn’t!”) “But I’m a risky kind of gal.” (“What does that mean?!”) “With [All-Machine Resonance], this street will turn into Christmas and I will be the jolly old man. No, I’ll be an urban witch.”

  “Perhaps you can go a step further. Overload the lights inside the cafe and rain sparks over their coffee.” (“That’s way too far!”) “Or more diabolically, remotely control an electric car and drive the damn thing through the entrance.” (“That’s—! Eep.”)

  “I like where your head’s at, Chunhua. I knew you’d eventually believe in my cause—”

  “Terrorism? Because this legitimately sounds like terrorism.”

  “Shut up, Alex, I’m—oh.”

  The Conqueror Prankster Squad was caught by Conqueror plus his lovely date. They stood on the other side of the bookstore's decorative fence, both of them very not amused by their presence. The Squad featured a spectrum of reactions: terror, embarrassment, and defeat.

  Alex looked between the team and their disguises with a hand on his hip, his expression unsure if he should be laughing or angry. “Hey, Kotone. Can I ask why you roped Chunhua and Rei into this?”

  “How did you know it was me?!”

  “Because last Halloween, you brought half of these disguises and made me pay for them.”

  Kotone stared at the disguises on the table. “How much money do I owe you again?” (“You’re not ready for the answer.”) “Right.”

  “Wait, if I can ask bluntly…” Silverhonor, wearing shades and a face-mask to hide her identity, stepped forward. “Were you… Were you aware of our arrangement today?”

  Chunhua sighed and scratched at her eyebrows. “No, we wanted to investigate Alexander and we coincidentally found a lovely coffee date.”

  “That…” The elf’s taped ears buzzed against her head like a fly trying to escape a spider-web. “We were not on a coffee date. We’re merely…fulfilling promises. In exchange for information on Stainless, he compensated me by offering an afternoon of his time—”

  Rei exclaimed, “Compensated dating?!”

  “NO!” everyone yelled in unison.

  Alex cleared his throat and said, “And it’s not illegal for me to hang out with friends. Even if said friend is of the opposite gender.” (“And pretty,” commented Kotone.) “And of a rivaling guild.” (“And pretty.”) “And of great fame.” (“And really pretty.”) “And you need to stop talking, esper.”

  “It’s also not illegal or unethical for me to enjoy his company,” Silverhonor added. “So please, do not mention this to anyone. I don’t want to drag him into needless attention.”

  Alex nodded toward her. “That too. I should’ve picked a more private rendezvous, but I didn’t expect to get tailed by my own teammates.”

  Kotone rolled her eyes. “How did you find out anyway?”

  “You guys were literally across the street first of all.” He gestured toward the cafe. “And second, none of you turned off your location.”

  Chunhua pursed her lips in embarrassment. “Kotone with another catastrophic mistake.” (“You forgot about that too!”) “I did not. I won’t confess to such a thing.”

  “This… This is the team I’m working with, SH.” Alex loudly groaned and spun around in place. “Do you know what I think happened?”

  Silverhonor indulged, “Go ahead.”

  “After copying Kotone a little too much, she felt retribution in order. So she convinced her roommate and likely tricked Rei into participating, and here we are. Whatever prank or scheme she'd cooked up is completely burnt.”

  Dammit, this guy was good! He completely figured her out and it hadn’t been ten minutes! No…

  From the very beginning, the plan was destined to fail. It was a rigged game, and the Conqueror Prankster Squad had been dancing on the palm of his hands.

  This… This was the true feeling of despair.

  Chunhua, with a tinge of sinister interest in her voice, asked, “So what will you do with us now? Pretend we don’t exist and carry on with your date, or…?”

  Silverhonor answered for him, “I have a different idea, actually.”

  ***

  “Can’t say I expected this,” I said to Kotone as the “date” was extended to three additional wheels on Lyressa’s request.

  Better person than me. I would’ve kicked them to the curb; instead, we strolled through Ordo like the circus of freaks and pranksters we were. Chunhua was up ahead with Lyressa, but with the stink-eye she’d been flashing me, she was dying to ask the elf personal questions: “What’s your opinion on Alex?” “On a scale of one-through-ten, rate his personality.” “Did you know I went on three-and-a-half dates with him?” Her only obstacle was a kensei obliviously joining the front-line and ruining any chance of juicy gossip.

  Kotone huffed, eating a cream-bun from the pastry we’d just raided. “I can’t believe you've done this.”

  “I’m not ‘cheating’ on Leo—” (“I didn’t mention her!”) “—you were thinking about it. Look, we’re all friends and nothing’s going on. Completing a girlfriend project is the last thing on my to-do list. Not like yours.”

  “Me? C’mon, I…” Kotone watched Chunhua’s smooth forest-hued hair bounce with every step. “I’ve kinda given up on my girlfriend project a while ago. I don’t think she’s, y’know, and her mind’s on other things. I blame you for that.”

  That’s…not completely inaccurate.

  I whispered, “Really? Is it because of the three-in-a-half dates we had?”

  “Obviously. Y’know, I…” Kotone stuffed her rise of anxiety by tasting creamy goodness. “Okay. I always thought you guys would be the power couple of OU. Chinese, warriors on the battlefield—really, really compatible. But somehow not compatible enough to be love-and-lover. Something prevented that.”

  I didn’t confirm or deny her suspicions, but she was right. Chunhua may be living in the Slayer Capital yet her mind would always live in the land isolated from the Mainland and the encroaching West.

  Taking my silence as a response, Kotone continued, “But I still like her. A lot. More than a lot. Even though she’ll never reciprocate, I still wanna support her. I wanna be there for her. I want her to stay in Ordo and I wanna be the reason why.”

  As much as we want the same thing, Chunhua was her own, stubborn-as-fuck woman. It may not be possible to stop her.

  Yet knowing full well of its futility, I said, “We all do.”

  “Yeah…” Kotone exhaled to expel the lingering knots building inside her throat and stomach. “Anyway, I’m your biggest hater. Not only are you copying everything I do, you’re also stealing my backup!”

  “What? Your backup—? You mean the elf.”

  Kotone pouted. “Duh! After I confess and get my heart broken, I have Silverhonor to fall back on—” (“Not happening.”) “—it’s torture being surrounded by so many stupidly hot girls. I can’t take it sometimes.”

  Meanwhile, I handled the phenomenon pretty well; then again, this could be the eunuch in me talking. On a logical, rational level, I sympathized with Kotone. Being roommates with your long-time crush must be agonizing, but not like I had any metric of comparison. I had two relationships in my twenty-three years of living: a three-month fling before Hangzhou, and something complicated in High Home.

  Before I could tease Kotone about her awesome-and-not-so-awesome predicament, the rest of the group slowed down so we could walk together like a family.

  “Senpai, senpai!” Rei waved his hand to get my attention. “I was telling Silverhonor about the characters in my name, and Chunhua-san said you have a Chinese name.”

  I softly whistled, knowing the inevitable path of this conversation. “Yuhang (宇航), the characters mean ‘space’ and ‘boat’ or ‘navigate’ or something like that. It’s an embarrassing name.”

  Silverhonor delicately pressed her fingers together. “I think it’s a flattering name.”

  “That’s until you realize I’m one character away from ‘astronaut’ (宇航员) and suddenly, I’m destined to explore the multiverse.” I sighed. “That’s also where [Yuzhou (宇宙)] comes from, but that means ‘universe’ or ‘cosmos.’”

  Chunhua snickered. “You all with your mother-given and assimilationist names. I’d rather be caught dead than adopt a banal Western name like Stacy.”

  “You prefer dying over most things, like cleaning,” I said, but something popped in my head and I could turn this conversation around. “But I do have an interesting story. Originally, my parents had a different name in mind for me but ultimately decided ‘Alexander’ was better.”

  Kotone chirped, “Steve?” (“Fuck no.”)

  Rei rose, “Akira!” (“I’m not Japanese.”)

  Chunhua popped, “Zhang San (张三)?” (“Nope.)

  Silverhonor guessed last, “Erm… Sebastian?”

  “Incorrect, it’s…!” I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “Holy shit, you’re right. They wanted to name me ‘Sebastian.’ It’s based on my dad’s name, Bastien—Lyressa, you alright? What’s going on?”

  Lyressa, the winner of the impromptu competition, was strangely impassive despite making the mother of all guesses. Through her shades, she stared at the ground, frozen and practically comatose, like her head was transported somewhere else.

  Rei nudged her and whispered, “Silverhonor-san—?”

  “I…need to go,” she muttered. Tears escaped underneath her shades and streaked across her pale skin like water through white sand. “I’m sorry, I’m…”

  Lyressa broke into a blitzing walk, moving faster than what the average human was capable of, before we could react or ask or even try to stop her. She abandoned us in the middle of the city, tears turning this crazy autumn day into one of confusion.

  We stood around, unsure of what to say or think, with only our questions inadequately satisfying our concerns.

  ***

  [Silverhonor]

  I apologize for my outburst earlier, Alexander

  Don’t worry, I’m fine!

  I simply need a few days to myself