AnnouncementThis chapter deals with dysphoria, suicidal ideation, transphobia, and thoughts of self-harm. If any of this is triggering, please do not read this.Magic had always spoken to her.
When she was younger, she wished that it hadn’t. A dull whisper that constantly ached in the back of her mind; an itch she could never truly scratch. Growing up, she had assumed something was wrong with her; that she was broken somehow and no matter how hard she tried to expin no one was able to fix her; not completely at least.
She had gotten good at pretending over the years; making it look like she was fine and normal. An upstanding citizen with no issues; certainly not dysphoric with an innate tie to the mystic arts. But she knew that it wouldn’t st forever; how long could one ignore sweet, honeyed whispers when they were right in your ear, pushing you further and further to the edge; teetering on the brink of madness.
Would death have been easier…?
That was something she considered more times than she cared to admit. If living was pain, how bad was the alternative? The possibility that it might’ve been worse, was the only thing that kept her from actually hurting herself; a fact that still scared her, when she truly realized how bad her mind had been for herself.
More than anything, isotion had been the worst part of it. Magic was a dangerous topic to even consider, let alone actually discuss. Historically, becoming involved with magics and mystical arts only ended one way; in regret. Most sane people were smart enough to stay away from it, but they didn’t know. They could never know how it never left you. How it was a part of you and that trying to cut it out or ignore it hurt even more; how could they understand when the magic didn’t speak to them?
But it spoke to her, and it was enlightening; invigorating almost. She fought to ignore it, but every single time, it reared its ugly head and gnawed at her senses, it sent a rush through her; a sense of fulfilment that nothing else could match. Perhaps it was sinful to be so deeply entwined with it, but how could she say no to a cool ke when her body felt like it was burning?
She often wondered what would’ve happened if she had never found the silver bde. She hadn’t gone looking for it. But she found it and it spoke to her. Made the voice in her head louder; stronger. But also, easier. She understood it more. Understood herself more. And then she knew what she had to do. She didn’t like it. It scared her more than she cared to admit; how could one enjoy such dark acts. But the inner peace it gave her spoke volumes over her fears.
*
Daily sat on her bed, fiddling with the bde silently. The moon had long since descended and the sun had only barely begun to throw its light over the horizon; the sky was still mostly dark and in the fading bckness, the bde lost its luster; looking dim and sad in her hands.
She ran a finger along the edge of the bde slowly; as always, it lost its sharpness without the moonlight. It was less a bde and more a oddly shaped piece of metal. She took a deep breath and pushed the ft of the bde against her skin. It still felt cold. It always felt cold, as if it wanted to drink all the heat from her body.
Sighing softly, she pulled the bde away before picking up the dish and moving back towards her closet and carefully hiding the two pieces, in a concealed space. She spent several minutes ensuring their safety before moving back to her bathroom and returned to examining her reflection. It was almost uncanny; she still recognized herself. If anything, she recognized herself better than she had before. It was an odd sensation; something she had never really expected for herself.
She touched her cheek gently; everything about her felt ever so slightly… shifted. Her cheeks, a little softer and rounder. Her chin, less harsh. Her chest was softer; just barely more pronounced. Her hips felt more defined… Everything felt… She was almost there.
“Almost…”
Almost is never is near is now. Now you are.
Even her voice and voice in her mind sounded slightly different to her ears. It made her feel giddy with excitement. She felt joy and comfort that she hadn’t experienced in a long time. It sent shivers down her spine.
Her mood running high, she began to pick out her outfit; lingering on the dresses and blouses she had never worn in public, she eventually pushed them aside and settled on (what felt like) a nice middle-ground with a soft, form-fitting sweater and skinny jeans. Not feminine. Not yet. But… Androgynous was a step, wasn’t it?
She felt a little awkward moving in an outfit that she had wanted to wear before but had never felt brave enough to do so. Did she look natural? Or was she being so over-conscious about her presence that it was making her look more odd as a result?
I can do this… I can… I can do this…
Walking out of her room, she found Alice sitting in the kitchen, munching on a slice of toast while scrolling through her phone, unaware of anything else around her.
“H-Hey.”
“Mm.” Alice nodded absently without looking up; she bit into her toast and chewed it slowly for several seconds before finally looking up, “I was thinking…”
Then Alice frowned slightly and Daily felt her heart beat quicken.
Just… Just tell her if she asks…
“…New outfit?”
Daily hesitated before nodding without saying a word.
“Looks… nice.” Alice went back to scrolling on her phone, “I was thinking, I’m going to be heading in te today. You think you’d be fine taking the bus?”
“Sure.”
“Sweet.”
Daily waited for her to say anything else before just nodding silently quickly gathering her things and stepping out of their home, walking as fast as she could before letting out a soft groan.
Did I make things awkward…?
She stopped and slumped against a wall, rubbing her face with her hands. Perhaps, she was moving too fast… Perhaps it was worth taking time on these sort of things… She gnced down and touched her chest again, with the tips of her fingers before shaking her head slightly and returning to her pace towards the bus stop.
*
“Did you hear about what happened yesterday?” Ethel’s voice was an excited whisper as Daily carefully pced books in their correct locations.
“Are you talking about the… um… the…”
“The dead bodies!”
“Mmm.” Daily nodded her head softly, “My bus was stopped at a checkpoint… they… they took someone.”
“Oh damn.”
“I don’t… I don’t think he was…”
“No, no. Possibly not. But they check. They always do.”
“Mm…”
“I can’t say I’m surprised they’re being so… extreme about the whole thing.”
Daily frowned in confusion, “What do you mean?”
“Well, I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“I… um… No?”
Ethel frowned for a second before blinking, “Oh you didn’t hear? The bodies weren’t just killed; they were butchered!”
“O-Oh!”, Daily felt her stomach roll softly at the thought. How was she so nauseated by the gore of others, yet so 'rexed' when it came to her own?
“Yeah, it was pretty bad. I heard that all of their insides were on dispy!! Cut open from the stomach, was what I heard. At least, that’s the rumor. Most witches would know better. Awful to think, no?”
“…what?”
“Awful to think, no?”
Daily shook her head quickly, “N-No… You said… Their stomach… was…?”
“Yes, cut open. Doesn’t sound very pleasant…”
“N-no…” The sickness in Daily’s stomach grew heavily and she gripped her stomach in an awkward attempt to hold it back before realizing it was doing nothing, “I… I… need… B-bathroom.”
Before Ethel could respond, Daily bolted for the restroom, locking herself inside. She gripped the edge of the sink as she tried to steady herself, uncertainty coursing through her.
Coincidence… It has to be… That’s all…
It had to be. She wasn’t doing anything to anyone. Only herself… She felt herself calm down slightly, but her stomach was clearly still upset and it made her feel unpleasant.
Cold and ice and gss. Bursting forth from the Mother’s presence
A sour taste in her mouth burned even as she tried to rinse it out. Any positive mood she had from earlier in the morning felt completely dead at this point. She gnced up at her face in the cracked mirror and examined her reflection… She still saw the woman she wanted.
You’re fine… You’re going to be fine… You aren’t… you aren’t hurting anyone… it’s not you… it’s not…
She stumbled out of the restroom as Ethel quickly rushed up, “Are you okay?”
“Y-Yeah… I… I don’t do well with… with…” She gestured vaguely before shaking her head, “that sort of stuff…”
“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie.”
“I-It’s alright. I’ll… I’ll be fine.”
“Let me get you a tea at lunch, hm?”
“I’d like that.”
Ethel smiled and nodded, “…You look good, by the way.”
“Hm?”
“Your clothes. It’s a nice change from your usual wear.”
“Oh. Yeah… I… I felt… I wanted to try.”
“It looks perfect on you.” Ethel winked before rushing back to the book-cart to continue the restocking.
Daily remained standing still for several seconds before slowly following after Ethel. Her mood had not returned to the state of positivity that it had been so many hours before, but Ethel’s compliment certainly made the heaviness within her stomach feel less so.
*
Daily bit into a sandwich and sipped at the lemon tea that Ethel had bought her (actually warm, unlike the dog-water that waited for them in the breakroom).
Ethel had already finished her lunch and left the room; most everyone had. Daily was the only one still inside; she had always enjoyed taking her time with her lunch. Right now, it felt good to just rex with something simple. It was already making her feel better.
A soft knock on the break-room door brought her out of her calm stupor before the door opened slowly, revealing two people she had never seen before. A man and woman. Neither of them looked particurly comforting, although they were drastically different from each other. The Man looked cold and hard; as if he were carved from rock. Adding to that impression, the Man’s skin was pale like the clearest marble with a shock of bck hair that stood out almost comedically on his head. The Lady on the other hand, seemed much more at ease; rexed would not be the right word for her, but she had a graceful quality in that way that a lioness or a wolf could be graceful and natural. She had a warm skin tone that contrasted with her dull, gray hair; the tter being the only part of her that resembled stone in anyway thanks to its could.
Yes, they seemed fairly different from each other. In fact, the only simirity between them was that their clothes were near identical. Well, almost; The Lady wore it better. Button-up shirt, fitted trousers, clean neat coat, all in bone-bleach white, with tiny upside-down ‘V’s on their pels.
Oh…
“C-Can I help you?”
The two remained silent gncing around the room for several moments before stepping in and closing the door behind them before the Woman turned her gaze to Daily and narrowed her eyes, “Are you Daily Chanda?”
Daily felt her stomach roll again and she silently wished that she hadn’t eaten a whole sandwich just now, even though she knew that wouldn’t really have made much of a difference. She nodded slowly, seeing no real way to escape.
“Good. I’m Agent Lena.” The Woman gestured to herself, with a rexed smile, as she pulled out a small badge before turning to her associate, “This is Agent Richard.” The badge had a clear seal on it; a bald eagle, wings spread, with a broken staff in its cws.
“Er… Nice to meet you two?”
“Nice to meet you too, Daily. Do you know why we’re here?”
“I… I heard about… some killings?”
“Yes. We’re investigating them. Did you know that the bodies were found nine minutes from this location?”
“Nine…” Daily felt sick again, “I… I didn’t… I’m not… I don’t like to think about that sort of thing…”
Lena’s face twisted into an approximation of sympathy, “We’re asking around, to anyone who might’ve seen anything at the time.”
“I didn’t-”
The man, Richard spoke up before Daily could finish her sentence, “Its procedure, sir. We have to do this.”
Daily blinked softly. Something about his tone felt… It frustrated her. She gritted her teeth and whispered, “Miss.”
“What?”
Bst him and curse him. His blood will fall at your feet when you do not know when.
She silently cursed herself for even speaking up, as the two stared at her in confusion. She had half a mind to tell them to ignore it. But also…
In for a penny…
“I… Its ‘Miss’… Not ‘sir’… I’m… I’m a woman.”
The two stared at her for several seconds in confusion before Lena nodded, “Of course. Alright then… Miss Daily?”
She nodded softly.
“We’re just going to ask a few questions. We’re asking them to everyone who works here.”
“R-Right.”
“Where were you 3 days ago?”
“I was working. Here. All day. You can ask Ethel or Luke…”
“Did you leave this building for any reason during the day?”
“No…”
Lena fell silent pulling out a small notebook and began to scribble in it, while Richard stepped forward and began to ask the questions rapidly, “When you left did you see anything suspicious?”
“No.”
“Did you see anything out of the ordinary?”
“I said, I didn’t.”
“There’s no need to be hostile, sir.”
Daily felt a muscle twitch in her head but said nothing.
“Did you encounter any other individuals on your way home?”
“No one I knew…”
“Whom did you see?”
“Strangers. I use the bus.”
“Which bus route is it?”
“1318…”
“Do any of the passengers stick out in your mind?”
“No.”
Richard crossed his arms and stared at Daily for several moments before gncing over to Lena who finished her notes. She smiled at her; it was a strange smile, “Thank you for talking to us, Daily. We’ll return if we have any questions and if you remember anything strange, feel free to give us a call.” She quickly flipped out a small card and handed it over.
Daily remained stiff, refusing to take the card from her hand. Lena’s smile narrowed as she casually pced it down on the table, beside the remains of Daily’s meal.
“Thank you again… ma’am.” She tilted her head softly, “We’ll be here the rest of the day; please reach out us if you remember or see anything.”
“…sure.”
The two agents stared at her for several more seconds before gncing at each other and casually stepping out of the room. Daily, suddenly realizing how tense her body was, immediately rexed, breathing slowly, drawing in deep gulps of air.
I didn’t do anything… and they wouldn’t know… There’s no way for them to know…
*
Mercifully, the rest of the day seemed to move fairly quickly. Daily’s shift was a blur, only occasionally disrupted by Ethel’s shocked dialogue (“I can’t believe they were interrogating us! Weird, isn’t it?”). Once again, the sky was getting dark by the time she had stepped out of the building.
She enjoyed winter deeply, but she did wish that the light could stay a bit longer. She gnced down at the path towards her bus stop and winced at the flickering incandescent lights that marked the path. She adjusted her bag awkwardly; it wasn’t as if she had ever been threatened before. Calling the town sleepy was an understatement but her mind always pyed tricks on her in the darkness.
She turned to move towards the bus stop but immediately came to a stop; a silent figure was standing in front of her, turned towards her. It was dressed in shabby clothes, that concealed it heavily. She couldn’t even see its face, thanks to the hood that covered it so well. It might as well have been shrouded in bckness.
“Um…”
“You…” The figure’s voice was hoarse; torn and ragged. It sounded almost dead.
Daily felt the blood leave her face, as the figure took a step towards her. The recent killings fshed into her mind. All this time, her own magical predicament had been more of her focus… She hadn’t considered that she might…
Then the figure stopped and whispered, “Which way…? Please…?”
“What?”
“I need to go… which way?”
Daily frowned, “W-Where?”
The figure moved its hands slowly before hugging itself softly, “Home…” It almost sounded sad now.
“I… W-Where’s your home?”
Home in the heart. In the body. In the self. Temple. Church. Sanctuary.
It sniffed softly, “I don’t… know… I thought… you knew…”
Daily almost felt bad; there was a distinct pain in its voice that didn’t feel entirely… foreign to her, “I… If I knew… I… I could help. I… I know my way around.”
“You… You would help?”
“O-Of course.”
“Take me home?”
“If… If you can tell me, where it is…”
The figure titled its head and nodded; its shoulders sagged softly, as if it was rexing and it nodded gently, “Thank you…” And then it turned around and began to shuffle away.
Daily remained where she was; stunned and confused. What was that? A homeless person? Someone sick? She remained stuck in pce as the figure turned a corner and vanished before she remembered how to move and dashed after it; turning the corner herself, she saw no one there. No one waiting for her. Nothing.
She shivered softly, stepping back carefully, turning back towards her bus-stop. Then she saw her bus roll into the stop. She blinked in confusion as she watched it hum softly in its position. She took off in a quick jog towards her stop, unable to bring herself to move faster, while silently cursing herself for her ck of stamina and exercise throughout her life and then cursing herself more for not pushing herself to run when the bus began to roll out of the stop, down the street and far away from her.
Coming to stop at the bus stop, she shivered as the cold air ran against her. What were her options now? The schedule promised at least two more buses would arrive, but the earliest would not be here for another hour. She could call Alice, but…
She’s… She’s probably busy. Or… or tired…
She closed her eyes and sat down, thinking about the route back to her home; how long would it take to walk? Maybe 40 minutes? Maybe 30, if she pushed it? Took a few short cuts? Maybe?
The cold wind brushed by her again and she felt a cold tingle run down her spine; unpleasant and eager. The thought of the strange person floated into her mind again and she felt nervous standing in pce.
A walk would be fine.
She took off, as fast as she could without actively running; not even powerwalking, really. Just an awkward half-stumble, half-jog to try and move faster. In moments, she let herself fall back to casual stroll, cursing her stamina (or ck thereof) once again.
The gentle howl of wind, the rustling of leaves; interestingly, the more she walked, the more they sounded… less haunting. The warm, streetlights did not feel as ominous as they did mere moments before. She could feel an odd, sort of smile on her face; a joy from an unexpectedly pleasant discovery in spite of it being a tiresome day.
And as seemed to be the case with her life recently, any sense of joy had been squashed out quickly and she felt that when she realized she was coming to the same roadblock.
Fuck. Fuck.
She maintained her slow pace as she walked up to it; it felt like she was being lead down an executioner’s hall, waiting for the ax to snap down on her neck. Her eyes darted around quickly, trying to figure out a different route, but failing to come up with anything. This was the road she needed; nothing else worked, unless she wanted to walk in the woods for a few hours extra.
Perhaps, that would be the smarter choice…
Regardless of whether it would or not, she found it difficult to step off the beaten path eventually coming to a stop at the roadblock.
“Halt!”; one of the guards spoke unnecessarily before he approached her quickly, “What are you doing here?”
“I… um, I missed my bus?”
“So?”
“My… My home is…” She gestured past him, but his eyes remained fixed on her.
“What’s your name?”
“Daily… Chanda.”
“You have ID?”
She nodded, quickly fishing it out of her back and handing it over. The man gnced between the ID and her face; she could see the confusion dawning on his face.
“What was your name?”
“Da…” she felt her blood run cold when she realized her mistake, “A-Aran. Aran Chanda.” The name felt like ash on her tongue.
“Uh-huh.” He continued to stare between her and the little pstic rectangle, “You don’t look like yourself here.”
“I’ve… It’s just my hair. I’ve been growing it out. T-That’s all.”
“Right…”
“I’m… I’m going to get it updated.”
“Of course you are… Daily?”
She said nothing.
He stared for several more seconds before carefully pocketing the ID card, “Where are you coming from, Daily? Aran? What do you prefer?”
Name of Power. Name of None. Power. Power. Identity. Love.
“…Daily, please. I’m… I’m just walking home. I… I was at the library.”
“Bit te to be checking out books.”
“I work there.”
“Oh…”
“I…Can I have my ID back?”
“Hm.” The Guard nodded slowly but made no move to comply, “You know something funny?”
“Er… No?”
“One of the bodies we’re investigating was located near your library.” The guard emphasized the st few works with a sharp poke to Daily’s chest. She winced in pain; a sudden soreness made itself very clear and she wanted to respond to the pain, but she forced it down.
“I… I know about that.”
“Oh, do you?”
“We… Some Agents dropped by… talked to us.”
The guard nodded, “Well, that’s perfect then. Why don’t you talk to us?”
The scars on her belly felt like they were burning a hole in her sweater, “I… I don’t have anything to say.”
“I’m sure you do.” The guard reached out and gripped her arm, “Come here!”
“I-I d-don’t-!”
“Guard!”
A familiar voice pulled the Guard back and drew both of their attention towards it; Daily blinked in confusion as Lena strolled up towards them. Her face was cold as she gred at the guard, “What’s the…” Daily watched her stare and then frowned, and them recognition dawned upon her, “Aren’t you… the one from the library? In the break room…?”
Daily nodded rapidly, “I’m just… I’m just trying to get home.”
“Right…” Lena examined her slowly before turning to the Guard, “What are you doing here?”
“I… This young man approached us.”
Daily wanted to spit in his face.
“I assumed probable cause, from the direction he was heading from, Ma’am. The library in center of the town.”
“Right…” Her voice was just the same as before; almost bored. She gnced between them for several moments before shrugging, “I can vouch for this one. I did interrogate them at the library. It’s probably why… they missed the bus.”
“Oh.” A fsh of disappointment echoed in the Guard’s eyes before nodded, “I understand, Ma’am.”
“Please return the ID card.”
“Oh, yes…” The Guard quickly obliged, handing it over, “There.”
Daily nodded slowly, “Thank you.”
The Guard stared between them before a moment before shrugging, “You should cut your hair.”
CUT HIS NECK.
Daily ignored his comment, turning towards Lena, “I’ll… I’ll be going now.”
“Let me walk you.”
“Y-You don’t have to-”
“I insist.” Lena turned towards the Guard, “Stay alert; I’ll return shortly.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
With a casual smile, Lena’s focus returned to Daily before she gestured forward, “After you then.”
A moment of hesitation before Daily nodded and began to move through the checkpoint quickly, as Lena effortlessly remained beside her.
The questions she assumed would be coming, did not come right away and when the questions did arrive, they weren’t at all what she was expecting.
“Tell me, Daily. What brings a young thing like you, to a town like this?”
“…The weather.”
“Oh, I can imagine. The slushy winters, the humid summers. Must be lovely.”
Daily chuckled involuntarily.
“So, you can smile.”
Daily quickly forced a straight face back on, before deciding to answer properly, “I’ve… always been here. I was born here.”
“Your family is here?”
“They moved.”
“And you stayed; how unique.”
Daily shrugged, “The rent is cheap. It feels… Its home.” There was no need to eborate more than was necessary on the topic. She didn’t care to talk about her family.
Lena nodded, “I wouldn’t know about that.”
“And… we don’t normally see things like this.”
“The killings, you mean?”
She nodded slowly, “If… If I may ask…”
“I can’t promise any answers, but you may.”
“What… What happened exactly?”
Lena was silent for a moment, as if considering how much information she could conceal, “…Surely you’ve heard the rumors.”
“I… I know rumors can be false. I’d like to hear it from you… If that’s alright.”
“…I’m not at liberty to disclose much, you know that?”
“I… I could guess.”
Lena fell silent again before shrugging, “We found three scenes so far… Pieces and such. No full bodies; just a lot of blood and a few chunks. Fairly grizzly. But nothing unusual when it comes to magic.”
No disembowelments. No slit stomachs like her own... “Do… Do we know who they are?”
“Not yet. We’re working on that. Should hopefully find something soon.”
“Is it… magic?”
“Almost certainly.”
“How… how do you know?”
Lena shrugged softly, “Forensics and Research have their tests; fairly accurate. But I can always tell by the smell.”
“Smell?”
“Mmm.” She nodded slowly, “What do you think a normal murder scene smells like?”
“I’m not… I wouldn’t know.”
“Give me a guess.”
“…Blood?”
“Definitely part of it for sure. But more than that… it’s just… all the foulness you can imagine. Urine, shit, vomit… And then combine that with the ugliest sweetness you could ever get; sweeter than the ripest, over-ripe fruit… The stench of rot.” She spoke with a visceral disgust, her face twisting unpleasantly, as if she was remembering the scents associated with her words.
“Sounds…”
“Awful, no?”
“V-Very.”
“Magic smells… different.”
“Not as bad?”
“Oh, no. It does. Often worse, really. Usually its simple. Things like… sulfur. Rotten eggs. Downright awful stuff, for sure. But it makes the job easy. And then every once in a while…” Lena gnced down at Daily with a look of relish, “It’s strange.”
Of magic. Of magic. Love. Lies. Touched. Liar. Protector.
“S-Strange?”
“Mmm. The smell of peppercorn toasted in butter.”
“What?”
“The scent of roses, dissolved in alcohol. Of Salt and Oak boiled in milk.”
“I don’t…”
“When the magic is strong, those different smells… they cloud everything else.”
“What… What did these ones smell like?”
“Ground Gss… Ice and broken rock. And all the coldness you could imagine.”
“Oh…”
Lena smirked, “Not what you expected, is it?”
“N-No…” Daily silently prayed that she wasn’t giving anything away on her face, “How… How long…?”
“Before we catch the killer? Hard to say. The evidence isn’t exactly fresh. If we can’t find anything in the town within a couple of weeks…” She shrugged.
“I… I see.”
“You’d all be happy to see us go, eh?”
Daily didn’t bother responding.
“I know the DMR doesn’t have the best reputation.” It was odd that she didn’t seem to fight on the subject.
Once again, Daily said nothing. She didn’t feel the need to fight on this matter either.
Lena seemed to register the fact and dropped the matter before returning with another question, “What is your name?”
It sounded so simple, but it set her teeth on edge, “…Daily.”
“I heard you say something different to the guard.”
“…I told him what he wanted to hear.”
“And…?”
“My name is Daily.”
“So, then, you-”
Daily forced herself to stop walking and turned towards the Agent; she couldn’t bring herself to look her in the eyes, “Thank you, Agent Lena. I think… I can make it from here on my own.”
“…Oh. Right then. I’ll leave you to it.”, Daily didn’t see her voice, but her voice did sound… regretful.
Daily watched as Lena turned around without hesitation and returned the way they had just come from. She didn’t move until, she was certain that the Agent was far enough from her before she took off a dead sprint. This time, she didn’t let stamina stop her; she let her muscles scream for relief; her lungs cry for air; her veins for water. But she didn’t stop. Not until she was at her door, not until she had burst through and into her room. She couldn’t see Alice anywhere; a blessing perhaps. Locking her door, she fell to her knees in front of the window.
There was no moon tonight. Or rather, she couldn’t see it. She felt tears run down her face and struggled to hold them back. She wanted to hurt herself. She wanted to feel the blood run down and off her belly. She wanted to feel that faintness, that numbness. She wanted to feel her goddess’s cold kindness around her, within her body.
Why… Why…
She tore off her sweater and clutched her belly; eight scars… Eight times and it still wasn’t enough. Would it ever be? Would the ninth time suffice? Would there need to be a tenth? More? Every week? Every day? Perhaps, her whole life…
I’ll do… I’ll do it as many times as you want… please… Please, just… I can’t be in this skin… Mother, please…
She waited, sobbing softly in the darkness. She prayed silently in her heart, waiting for her to show up; waiting for the cold, delicate hands to hold her. To tell her everything would be fine. That she was… was exactly as she should always be. That she was natural. Beautiful. Loved.
Of course, there was no such kindness. There was no moonlight. There was no blood. Of course, there was no one else. She was all alone. She continued to sob to herself, until her exhaustion pulled her down into the slumbering darkness.
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