I glanced up, into the path of a greatsword.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
The air slammed out of my chest with a sudden wrench and I was thrown up into the air, crashing down onto the old man’s roof.
There was a thud, and he landed beside me.
“On your feet,” he grunted.
I held a hand to my head, groaning in pain. “How am I still alive?”
A twinkling yellow box appeared beside my head.
[Grace III : ignore all non-lethal damage for the given period of time]
“That’s a handy buff,” I muttered, brushing hay off my pants.
“We can’t have you getting killed in the tutorial,” he cackled, swinging again—slower than before—giving the time I needed to raise my shovel and parry.
My hands barely stung, thanks to the added durability, and, as the fight continued, I’d gotten better control over the shovel, awakening some rather impeccable self-preservation.
I fumbled, and he rammed it out of my hands, off the rooftop. “First lesson of combat, kiddo. Keep your hands on the blade.”
I huffed, clambering down to the hut. “And how am I supposed to do that?”
“PRACTICE!” He screamed, jumping off the roof, cleaving through air with his greatsword, cutting down into a rotten stump.
I smirked, aiming the end of my shovel towards his forehead. “Do I win?”
He flexed, wrenching the blade, and the stump split in half. “You’re done when I say you're done, kiddo.”
We fought on the dirt, back and forth, metal striking metal.
Just as I’d started getting the hang of things, he began mixing up his swings, forcing me to adjust, until I was able to fend off three separate directions of attacks, each performed within a couple seconds.
“Good work, kid. That’ll do it for today,” The old man huffed, dropping to one knee. “Woah, I'm old.”
I collapsed onto my shovel, panting for breath. “Do I win?”
“Yeah,” he said, handing the sword toward me, blade first.
At the last moment, he changed his grip, flashing around for a lethal strike.
I parried reflexively, knocking his sword into the ground. “That was a lousy hit.”
“Most enemies around here are lousy fighters. Well most humans, anyway. This game’s not that hard, you know.” He smirked, effortlessly standing back up. “It’s more or less just about big numbers and basic strategy, if you know what I mean.”
He gestured toward the sword. “Take it. You’ve earned it, haven’t you?”
I smiled, dropping the shovel for my new blade.
~Common Item~
[ Stabby Greatslayer ]
“This is a big sword”
[4 Str 1 Dur]
It was freakishly heavy, as cast iron ought to be. Thankfully I’d grown much better at handling a weapon, so it wasn’t anything I couldn't handle. I heaved the blade up into the air, clenching and slamming it down, cutting a rotten stump.
Staby greatsword exploded into a billion metal fragments.
[ Stabby Greatslayer ]
(-1,000,203 / 20 durability)
The metal fragments hit the ground, shattered again, turned to dust, before catching fire.
“Ooo…sorry kiddo.” The old man said, with a wince. “I’m not particularly gentle with my tools.”
“Gentle?!” I gagged. “How do you even get -negative one million durability—”
“Hard work, that’s how,” he chuckled, scratching his rear. The old man whistled Matilda over, swinging up onto her back. “Congratulations brace adventurer. You’ve successfully completed your first quest!”
{Quest Complete: Stupid Old Man}
[Grace III Buff : (0:30)]
[+Stabby Greatslayer (common item)]
~Total recovery~
I groaned, dropping to my knees. “I get one prize and it’s already broken?!”
He shrugged, then burped, then scratched his rear again. “Not my problem.”
I glared at him. “Aren’t you NPCs supposed to be good at your job?”
“If you only ever do the same thing all the time you learn all the little ways you get to be bad at it,” he muttered. “Really, it’s a skill. You ought to be impressed.”
We glared at one another, until he eventually gave in.
“If you don’t want the sword then just take something else, alright? It’s not like I’m gonna stop you.”
I grabbed the shovel off the ground, waving it in his face. “This is mine.”
“Sure,” he chuckled. “I’ve got a crate of those in the barn.”
“‘Legendary’ my eye,” I groaned.
He chuckled. “Now get on out of here. You’re probably in a rush to get stronger and beat this game, aren’t you?”
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“Sure am.”
“Then shoo. Get.”
I rolled my eyes, stepping away from the farm.
A prismatic wall knocked me backward, facedown into the grass.
I coughed, processing.
“What was that?!”
“Did I forget to mention?” The old man asked, sighing. “Course I did. Tutorial items stay in the tutorial, unless you earn them.” He shrugged. “Feel free to trade the shovel for something considerably worse. Or maybe a pig. I could always give you a pig.”
“No thanks,” I snapped, gritting my teeth, slamming into the field of shimmering energy. The barrier resisited, but I managed to poke one arm through, then a leg, then my head. The shovel however, remained stubbornly fixed on one side of the field.
“Good luck, kid,” the old man cackled.
“I’m getting sick of this place,” I grumbled, snapping back into the farm. Already my exceptional brain was crunching the numbers. The barrier only worked against physical shovels, right? So I just stuffed it into my inventory and stepped through the barrier.
The shovel popped out of thin air, clattered onto the ground—beside the old man. He smirked. “Good luck!”
“Nope. Nope Nope Nope. I’m NOT taking this!” I snapped, pivoting back. “After ten hours of straight manual labor and physical exercise, I will not be returning empty handed!”
He laughed. “You’ve got easy free stats and a brand new sword! It’s not my fault if you break it.”
The little blue box taunted me, hovering over one shoulder.
Wait a second.
This game was designed for smart people, not stupid ones. What was the most glaringly obvious solution I could possibly find that no sensible human being would ever attempt?
{Quest Complete: Stupid Old Man}
[Grace III Buff : (0:30)]
[+Stabby Greatslayer (common item)]
~Total recovery~
I tapped my shovel, and a glowing notification appeared.
~Legendary item~
{Crap shoveler}
[1 Str]
The plates were opaque—partially transparent—allowing a hint of the background to appear through them.
I grabbed one of the notification boxes, putting it in just about the same place as the incorreal floating box, so that the two notification plates were on top of one another. Even if they were two completely different screens, from my perspective, they kinda looked like a new screen…if you squinted a little.
The old man sighed, shaking his head. “That’s not how that works, kid…”
{Quest Complete: Stupid Old Man}
[Grace III Buff : (0:30)]
{ [+Crap Shoveler (legendary item)] ]]]]]]]]]]
[1 Str]
There was a sparking noise, followed by a clapping pain, and I was on the ground, outside the barrier, shovel in hand.
“YES!” I laughed. “Told you!”
The shovel started freaking out, vibrating erratically, spurting patterns of light, so I just stuffed it into my inventory and prayed bad happened. Evidently whatever it was I’d done, the system really didn’t like it. I’d have to use that trick a little more carefully in the future.
Could a person start glitching like that?
I shivered.
Now that I had both feet outside the quest zone—thus finishing the tutorial—other notifications began popping up all around me.
{Quest Complete: (Stupid Old Man)}
~
[Strength up! (+1)]
[Strength up! (+1)]
~
[Health up! (+1)]
[Health up! (+1)]
[Health up! (+1)]
[Health up! (+1)]
[Health up! (+1)]
~
~Silly rookie~
{GRIND}
[LvL 1]
[15 Hp 5 Str]
Once the last bonus trickled in, the forcefield faded into a soft rainbow mist, signaling that it was time for a new player to use the tutorial.
“You’ve died already, haven’t you?” the old man asked, smirking.
I jolted. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Oh, nothing,” he whispered, with a little old-man chuckle. “Nothing we’d have time to discuss.”
As he spoke, a new player approached the shack, peeking around the pigs, looking for the old man.
Said old man patted his pig, smiling. “Grind? Don’t you dare come back here. You’d run me clean outta business.”
A shock ran down my back, followed by yellow notification, flashing violently.
The old man stiffened. “Hey kid, you might want to stop by a campfire or something. In the next ten seconds or so, preferably.”
[Grace III : [0:09]]
“What, Grace III?” I asked, glancing up. “Sure, it was nice while it lasted, but I don’t really need it.”
“Flibbertigibbet,” he grunted. “It doesn’t cure exhaustion or damage Grace only ignores it for a set period of time. Try not to die, would you? It’d be a waste of my teachings.
With that, he and his pig trundled off to his next victim.
I frowned, focusing back at the floating yellow box.
[Grace III : [0:05]]
Grace stalls damage and fatigue for a st period of time. When it ends, what happens to that stored damage and fatigue?
I couldn’t possibly hit all at once, right?
[Grace III : [0:02]]
I groaned. “That sounds dumb enough to be right.”
And what had he meant by a campfire?
“Like that one?” I asked myself, glancing at a little campfire beside me.
[Grace III : [0:00]]
Stupid old man.
Think. Video game logic. What do campfires usually do?
Without much more in the thinking department, I jumped into the campfire, right as the exhaustion hit.
Right at the exhaustion hit—and without much more in the thinking department, I jumped face first into the open flame
