Welcome, future masterminds, to Villain Kindergarten, where we don’t just teach you to be good—we teach you to be legendary!
Here, you’ll learn that while some people chase good reputations, true villains know that infamy is forever! So, plot big, be bold, and remember: the world may forget the heroes, but they’ll never forget you!
Villain Kindergarten School Motto:
"A Good Name Lasts Long, but Infamy Even Longer"
Welcome to Villain Kindergarten! Today, class, we’re learning our ABCs… of Crime!
(Remember, little villains, these are lessons for your mischievous futures!)
Petty Crimes (A to Z) – For Little Mischief Makers!
A is for Arson, but just tiny fires, like burning papers—don’t make too much smoke!
B is for Bribery—like giving candy to get out of cleaning your room!
C is for Check fraud, but only if you’re buying a toy, nothing too fancy!
D is for Disorderly conduct—who says you can’t run and scream in the library?
E is for Embezzlement—taking a little extra allowance for that extra chocolate bar.
F is for Fare evasion—don’t pay for the bus, sneak on like a ninja!
G is for Graffiti—leave your mark, but keep it cute!
H is for Harassment—pestering your friends until they share their snacks.
I is for Identity theft—pretend to be someone else for fun, like at Halloween!
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J is for Jaywalking—cross the street whenever you feel like it!
K is for Kiting, but not flying—writing a little check when your piggy bank is empty.
L is for Littering—dropping your candy wrappers wherever you go (but don't get caught!).
M is for Misdemeanor theft—stealing one cookie from the jar when no one’s looking.
N is for Noise complaints—crank up that villainous music way too loud!
O is for Obstruction—block the door so no one can leave until you say so!
P is for Panhandling—ask everyone for pennies until you get enough for ice cream!
Q is for Quackery—pretend to be a doctor and give your friends silly diagnoses.
R is for Reckless driving—but only if you’re driving your toy car super fast!
S is for Solicitation—sell lemonade in your villain hideout, no permission needed!
T is for Trespassing—sneak into your sibling’s room and take their toys!
U is for Unlicensed vending—sell your toys at the playground, no license required!
V is for Vandalism—draw a mustache on all the family photos!
W is for Welfare fraud—claim more allowance than you really need.
X is for Xeroxing—make copies of your schoolwork and pass it off as homework!
Y is for Yelling—just scream in public whenever you want!
Z is for Zoning violations—build a fort anywhere, no rules apply!
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Serious Crimes (A to Z) – For Big-Time Baddies!
A is for Arson, but this time, set something big on fire—like a villain lair!
B is for Bribery, like bribing city officials to let you build your secret lair!
C is for Contract killing—but only if you hire someone else to do your dirty work!
D is for Drug trafficking—moving those dangerous candy stashes across the schoolyard!
E is for Extortion—threaten to unleash your army of toy robots unless you get a new video game.
F is for Felony assault—using your super strength to knock down a villain rival!
G is for Grand larceny—steal all the cookies and the cookie jar!
H is for Homicide—but no actual hurting! This is just for the big baddies in movies.
I is for Insider trading—sell secret stock tips to the evil toy company!
J is for Jury tampering—convince everyone you’re innocent no matter what you did!
K is for Kidnapping—but just your friend, and only to make them play villains with you.
L is for Lynching—no, no, that’s only for serious villain movies; don't try this at home!
M is for Manslaughter—accidents happen when your evil schemes go too far.
N is for Narcoterrorism—just make sure those villain toys aren’t full of bad candy!
O is for Organized crime—team up with your friends to run the playground!
P is for Piracy—steal treasure from other villains' lairs, or maybe just their lunchboxes.
Q is for Quasi-terrorism—cause just enough chaos to keep everyone on edge!
R is for Rape—but bad baddies never do this; only villains too evil for stories.
S is for Smuggling—hide candy in your backpack and sneak it into the school.
T is for Tax evasion—who pays for their villain gadgets anyway? Not you!
U is for Unlawful imprisonment—lock your friends in the treehouse until they agree to your evil plans!
V is for Vehicular homicide—but this time with your remote-controlled supervillain car!
W is for War crimes—only supervillains in comic books do this one!
X is for Xenophobic hate crimes—this is what makes a villain really nasty; better stay nice!
Y is for Youth trafficking—don’t do this unless you’re an evil mastermind plotting a big scheme.
Z is for Zoning violations—build your villain fortress wherever you want, who needs permits?
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And remember, little villains, always make your crimes big, bold, and fun! But also, don’t forget to listen to your villain teachers—you don’t want to end up in villain detention!
