woebetide

  Everything that has a beginning has an end.2027 July 24, SaturdayRamona had lost track of Persephone in the crowd and was just starting to look for her when someone bumped into her.

  “Excuse me, love,” he said as she turned to look at who had been so clumsy.

  “Alistair!” she said in surprise. He was wearing one of his colorful patterned button downs unbuttoned and spyed wide, top surgery scars and chest hair on full dispy. She cursed inwardly, she shouldn’t have blurted out his name like that.

  “Do I know you?” Alistair asked, surprise in his voice.

  Quickly, she remembered the fallback pns in her NPH — she followed him on social media on an account where the only picture of her was her profile picture of her from behind, reading a book. It didn’t even have her name on it, just @CainewoodCastleJuniorArchivist — not like the library was open to the public directly, thankfully.

  “Sorry, I follow you on social media,” she said, trying to keep her fear in check, “that was really parasocial of me. Apologies, I’ll be going, have a happy pride!”

  “Wait! I do know you,” Alistair said to her shock and horror. “Holy shit, it’s you!”

  “You can’t tell anyone!” Ramona squeaked, fear filling her voice. She hadn’t had her voice crack this badly in years, but it was like she was back in her first time through the second year. “It’s a secret.”

  “What is? That you’re trans?” Alistair said. “It’s trans pride, people are going to make assumptions. But no, I meant, you’re that librarian at that castle… with what’s her face, that trans woman marchioness. Persephone, that’s her — she’s giving a speech today, I think. I kind of have an eye for hair, and yours stands out.”

  Ramona knew she hadn’t managed to keep the relief from showing on her face. There was no way Alistair would be this calm if he’d actually figured out who she was. She needed to exit this conversation and quickly — and delete that damned social media account she barely used. Castle archivists didn’t need an online presence, did they? The logic had made sense when she set it up, but it had been a mistake — like everything else she did.

  “But that’s not what’s got you so scared, obviously, your handle alone says where you work, and your boss is very publicly trans,” Alistair said and leaned in a bit closer, narrowing his eyes a bit.

  Ramona was hopeful with how thorough Mrs Prentice’s work had been, four years ago, that he wouldn’t recognize her. She’d run into her mother once at a shop, and her mum hadn’t even given her a second look. But Ramona’s hopes that she could fool her former boyfriend, of all people, shattered as his eyes widened and softened in recognition.

  “Oh, babe, what’s your name?” Alistair said softly. “If only you could’ve told me this back then, before everything, before that photo. Maybe —”

  “Ra… Ramona,” she said shakily, cutting him off before he listed her former life’s misdeeds. She almost slipped on her name for the first time in years, and she winced at the memory. “I’m so sorry, Alistair, for everything, I should go.”

  She turned to leave, but felt Alistair’s hand touch her shoulder to turn her back around, and slid in one smooth motion, pulling her into a bear hug of the type only a trans man could really give. Tight but not too tight, he was warm, and his body hair was coarse, but underneath it all, there was something else that cis men only rarely achieved — genuine caring.

  Ramona felt the first tears form at the corners of her eyes as he held her there in the swirling crowd. She tried to hold back, to keep from descending fully into sobbing.

  “It’s a lovely name for you, Ramona,” Alistair said, and her name on his lips broke her control over her tears. “You’ve stopped your shit?”

  “Yes,” Ramona choked over her ragged breath. “Gods, yes, Alistair, never again.”

  “Then I forgive you,” Alistair said. “And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, your secret is safe with me. Maybe… maybe we could try being friends again.”

  “I don’t…” she said haltingly, panic filling her mind. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t put himat risk too. She pushed back on the hug, and he loosened his grip, his face was filled with concern and that made it all the worse. “I can’t… no one can know. He’s dead and buried, and if he wasn’t, I’d be in prison. I can’t risk you getting hurt because of himagain.”

  She pushed away from him and his wonderful hug, and this time he didn’t stop her with his hand. She turned and ran in the opposite direction from where everyone was headed, unable to stop the tears from flowing. Ramona hoped he wouldn’t follow her, and she tried to find a lull in the too rge and too noisy crowd, eventually giving up on an actual seat. She found a small corner of a window in front of a shop, and she made herself as small as she could be and wished to disappear.

  Coming here today had been a mistake — she couldn’t believe she’d let Persephone and Summer talk her into this. There were protocols for breaches like this, things she needed to do as soon as possible, but she was shutting down and did none of it. She might have stayed there, not moving until the crowd had long since thinned out and gone home. No one knew where she was specifically, and she kept a wary eye on the crowd, hoping no one would bother her, but then through the crowd came Persephone, looking relieved.

  Persephone leaned down to be closer to her height and pulled her into a hug before speaking. “What happened?” Persephone asked, concern filling her voice.

  Ramona couldn’t find her voice, so she fidgeted and Persephone let the hug go, realizing what she was after. As Ramona started typing, Persephone reached for her own phone to be prepared to read what Ramona sent.

  Me: Ran into Alistair

  Fucked up

  Knows who I am

  “Okay,” Persephone said. “Got it, I’ll text the others, you didn’t fuck up. You weren’t prepared for it, and whatever happened, we’ll deal with it.”

  Ramona nodded as Penny quickly typed on her phone, and Ramona’s phone beeped as she was added to a group Consensus message with the duty sponsor, Persephone, Summer, Indira, and the other senior sponsors.

  “Okay, it’s almost time for my speech, are you willing to walk with me so I can pass you off to Summer before I go on stage?”

  Ramona nodded and accepted Persephone’s hand and slowly stood. Persephone navigated the crowd with grace and somehow didn’t lose Ramona in the process as they got closer to the stage. Persephone waved to Summer as she approached, and Persephone leaned into Summer, and whispered in her ear. Then Summer nodded and smiled at Ramona and offered her hand.

  Summer lead her behind the stage and found a pair of chairs for them, and offered her a drink from her thermos. Summer could make almost as good a coffee as Maria. Almost. But she felt a bit better after drinking from it, and put the cap back on it before handing it back to Summer.

  “Can you tell us what happened over text?” Summer asked quietly, waggling her phone.

  Ramona took a moment before nodding positively. She took her phone back out and haltingly typed her story out. When she finished, she typed an apology.

  Ramona:

  I’m sorry, everyone, I fucked up, exposed the programme

  like I always knew I would

  She waited for the hammer to fall, for them to tell her she was to be cut off or out or whatever.

  In Dira’s Name:

  Is that all? There’s been worse breaches.

  Teenie ran right up to her mum back in 2019 without so much as a whiff of a pn

  right in front of me, no less

  It wound up okay

  Christine:

  It did, somehow convinced her I’m my own half sister

  now she won’t stop bugging me on Facebook when she might have ‘grandkids’

  So, you know, grain of salt.

  Tab A:

  Do you think he’d tell anyone?

  Ramona:

  I’d like to think he wouldn’t, but I hurt him so bad, and just now I pushed him away again

  “There you are, Ramona!” Alistair said suddenly, having peaked around behind the stage. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Then I remembered your boss will be giving a speech and thought you might be somewhere near the stage.”

  Ramona felt her heart sink, it was all about to get so much worse. Summer immediately stood and interposed herself between the two of them — bless her. Ramona quickly typed a message to the channel and got it sent before locking her phone.

  Ramona:

  ohshithefoundmegtg

  Then she remembered the shortcut, and got a recording running with the vestigial button on her phone — something she should’ve done earlier but forgot. Improvise with backup,Christine had impressed upon her and the other third years when Christine walked them through their phone’s features that could be useful outside the hall.

  “Alistair, is it?” Summer asked after a beat. “I’m Summer.”

  “Yes, that’s me,” he said. “Nice to meet you, Summer.”

  “Pleased to meet you as well,” Summer said. “What is it you want?”

  “I just want to talk to her,” Alistair pleaded, “she’s my oldest friend.”

  “I’m also Ramona’s friend,” Summer said. “She wasn’t ready to see you earlier, and, as you seem to be aware, she has secrets that could really hurt her, and the others who’ve helped her.”

  “I kind of figured as much,” Alistair said. “But I don’t want to hurt her, or expose her, or anyone else. I… I know what that’s like.”

  That caused Ramona to flinch. She deserved that much and so much more, but she looked at Alistair, who looked like he’d regretted even saying it. She softened, Alistair was the same as he had been since she first met him. “Summer,” Ramona said, standing. “It’s okay, just provide backup.”

  Summer nodded, and stepped out of the way.

  “Alistair,” she said. “I can’t have contact with my old life — I can’t risk resurfacing all the pain I caused others, and worse, all the fresh pain me being found could cause.”

  “I guess I can understand that,” Alistair said. “I just wish I could know you a bit better. Transition suits you, you seem more alive now.”

  “Thanks, and you’ve gotten very handsome.” She realized immediately he hadn’t complimented her looks and blushed furiously. “And I, uh —”

  “Thank you,” Alistair said, cutting her ramble off before it could pick up steam. “Did your egg cracking cause you to, uh, take the site —” his voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper, “— down?”

  “Yes,” Ramona shifted nervously, “I couldn’t keep it going any longer.” This had alsobeen accounted for in her fall back pns for her NPH should her identity be discovered by someone who wasn’t an immediate threat.

  “I’m gd you moved on,” Alistair said. “And… even if I can’t be in contact with you ever again, I’m gd you’re okay. And you aren’t so bad looking yourself, Ramona.”

  Ramona blushed again. “Thanks,” she said. “And I’m gd you’re okay as well.”

  “I guess I should get going,” Alistair said. “I’m sorry we won’t get to reconnect further. Curious about Persephone’s speech, honestly.”

  “It’s a good one,” Summer said. “You’ll like it.”

  He started to turn to go, but Ramona felt herself reaching out for his shoulder. He halted his turn and Ramona took a half step closer. She looked into his kind, gentle eyes, and he smiled up at her.

  “I want to make up for the st time,” she said. “If you’ll let me try.”

  “Oh!” Alistair said in surprise, and his smile returned to a soft one. “Sure, but just know I’m married now — although we are both polyam.”

  “I’m happy for you,” she said and bent in to kiss him. It wasn’t a bad kiss, Alistair was as good at it as ever, but she pulled back and realized she hadn’t felt any spark that had been there when they were teens. “And that, I guess, answers that — your partner is a lucky person.”

  “I’m the lucky one,” Alistair said, a distant look in his eyes. “They are special.”

  The music on the stage ended, and almost immediately she heard a familiar voice take over. “Let’s give it up for Chappell! Next up, we have the Lady Cainewood!”

  “We should go watch,” Ramona said, and took Alistair by the hand and led him and Summer back around to the side of the stage. “It really is a good speech.”

  “And I know what you’re all thinking — fuck the aristocracy, but I think Persephone would strongly agree with that sentiment, and she has already done so much for struggling trans people all over these isnds. I wouldn’t have invited her today if I didn’t think she’s the real deal.”

  “Thank you, Lorna,” Persephone said, her voice very much not in her aristocratic voice for this audience. “There is a lesson I have learned over the years about how people like us live in a hostile world. I learned it from my te mother Dyn, a trans man who made sure he always had a spare couch or bed to offer. I learned it from my fiancée Summer, who volunteered to help me escape my abusive uncle before we ever met. I learned it from girls up in Scotnd who sheltered me when I was kicked out, from girls on the other side of the world—” part of her NPH, Ramona knew, “—who supported me through surgeries, from girls at my uni who held my hand when I was nervous about showing my new face in public. And that lesson is, in a world like this one, we survive and thrive by helping each other. By treating each other as sisters, as brothers, as siblings—”

  Persephone spoke eloquently, but Ramona had heard this speech a dozen times in the st week, as she practiced in various rooms of the castle. It sounded better there, whoever set up this sound system needed some lessons in acoustics.

  After the speech, Alistair praised it — said he’d never heard a noble speak so frankly. Then he asked again if they could remain in contact, and Ramona waffled. She would rather not let him go, but she knew she had to by signed agreement. She left him with the words: “we’ll see,” and a kiss on his cheek.

  Persephone and Summer helped her navigate back to where Persephone’s driver was waiting for them. She pulled out her phone and gnced at the discussion before posting a brief update on how her second interaction with Alistair today had gone, including that she’d left him on a ‘we’ll see,’ basis. She was surprised to see Maria had joined the conversation, after Ramona graduated, Maria and Edy had settled into a comfortable retired from boy torture life. Maria and Ramona still talked every Sunday, but Ramona had been settling into life at Castle Cainewood this summer.

  Maria:

  For whatever my retired ass’s word is worth, I think you should be allowed contact.

  He wasn’t bad for you, your other friends and family were.

  You’ve more than proven your trustworthiness at this point

  In Dira’s Name:

  I concur, although we do really need to work out some details before this goes too much farther

  Ramona:

  of course

  thank you, all

  In Dira’s Name:

  I’m gd it seems to have worked out

  Hope you had a good day

  She smiled at her phone — maybe there was a path where she could be friends with Alistair again properly, although she knew their past would always be the elephant in the room. In the seat across from her, Summer was giggling, looking at her phone and showing Persephone.

  “What is it?” Ramona asked, wondering what silly video they were watching this time.

  “I managed to get the cutest pair of photos today backstage,” she said.

  Ramona felt her heart sink, she knew what there were pictures of. “Summer!” she pleaded. “No, please, both of us have been through that enough in our lives! If not for me, do it for Alistair.”

  “Too bad it’s hetero,” Summer said with a sigh. “I never post the hetero ones, even if you are super cute together.”

  “Thank you,” Ramona said quietly. “Could, you, uh, send them to me, though? And maybe delete your copies?”

  “Of course,” Summer said, and Ramona’s phone dinged with incoming photos, which she quickly saved to an encrypted hidden folder. Summer held her phone up and demonstrated deleting the photos for Ramona.

  Ramona opened the photos, one each of her kissing Alistair on the lips, and one of her kissing him on the cheek before they left. It was almost too bad the spark had been gone — they were cute photos, and she smiled warmly at her phone before locking it. If and when she got back in contact with Astair, maybe she could share them with him.

  “Thank you, both of you, for convincing me to come today,” she said, smiling genuinely at her Sisters. “This was the best day I’ve had in a long time.”

  “Pride events often are,” Summer said, and Persephone nodded her agreement.

  “So, what’s next again?” Persephone asked. “Back to the castle?”

  “Yes,” Summer said. “We’ve got to get spaces ready for the guests.”

  “Sophia’s going to freak when she sees the pce,” Ramona said. “I know I did — so weird to just live there now.”

  “It really is,” Persephone said. “Even having close ties to the pce, it never really felt like home. Still doesn’t — maybe with a dozen Dorley girls running around the pce, it will, though.”