A shattered spirit…
A shattered moment…
Keeping it quiet…
Seeing where REAL strength may lead us…
…
Parched lips were sewn tight, as I walked along the usual marble corners that governed our lives… Gripping it tightly… this plastic bag of whatever else it contained… I couldn’t be bothered to remember… My hands kept on shaking… My eyes were glued to the orange illuminations of the lobby, where people kept on speaking and laughing, I kept on prancing and twitching, my dry throat desperate for any sort of liquid…
I gulped down nothing…
And so did it ring…
The ‘welcoming’ chime of the elevator, with its massive doors that opened and bellowed…
At that moment…
I couldn’t bring myself to move another muscle or step towards it…
I kept on tugging at my shirt…
“Why does it have to keep going on like this…?”
I hung my head low, imagining the cool wind of the air-conditioned silence that surrounded me, howling like inevitability… slowly beckoning and calling our names… Visions and flashing lights smeared my line of sight, as I stared at the ceiling above.
I sighed and let out a dry breath: “You know…”
“I can’t keep doing this anymore…”
I gripped the plastic bag even more tightly, as if it were some sort of lifeline…
For whatever I was about to do…
“This is both for our own good…”
I lifted my foot, carrying the entire weight of the world along with it-
And as my face contorted, some sort of heavy feeling tugging at my heart strings… I grasped my chest, my body shook at the very thought, I closed my eyes, pretending I didn’t exist, that I wasn’t about to do IT…
“Kate…”
“I’m… so s-sorry…”
The elevator doors ominously came to a close, with my face covered and blurred-
I…
I…
I was down on my knees…
Sobbing and all sprawled down the cold, uncaring floor…
…
“What do you mean you’re BREAKING UP with me???”
“Hmm?!?!?”
“I meant exactly EVERY word I just said!”
Our voices had collected and kept on spiraling, all across the four corners that we had spent most of our time with… Her breath was all over me, with the lights all gone and down…
I could barely see her face…
But from what I could make out…
She had… cracked…
A couple of vegetables, a bunch of chips, frozen food, along with a whole tray of cracked eggs… mixed in with the thrown jug of milk that kept on dripping, by the refrigerator…
The television was playing some crime drama on HBO… The dry humor and sarcastic dialogue covered the awkward silence, as we both just stood there…
Unwilling to move… unwilling to speak…
Even as we were supposed to be apart…
Strangely enough… in our last moment together…
It’s like… we were perfect for one another…
Even in our own eccentricities… in our own way…
Only we could understand one another-
She suddenly kissed me…
Her lips still filled with the sweetness I so desperately longed for-
A slight taint of her cherry lipstick… that only she… wore…
Just for me…
“Ian…”
“P-please…”
“Don’t leave me… all alone…”
Her glassy eyes were staring at me, I…
I…
This was it… the final time… we would ever be joined together-
And forever will we be like two halves… never to be whole…
I don’t remember it clearly, but I think for that one last night-
I didn’t leave her… hanging…
And shivering…
We should’ve kept going… me and her…
…
I don’t know what came over me…
…
I went up to clean our mess the very next day, her vulnerable form still tugging at the sheets we shared together… I must’ve kept staring at her… still unsure of my decision…
My hands could barely write, my final words… And a list of groceries for us-
No… I meant ONLY… for her…
Only for her…
That morning…
I starved myself… and cooked her some breakfast instead…
Even though I had to do everything for her…
Some part of me… felt suffocated… in our love…
I was her one beacon of hope… the one person keeping her going…
And here I was leaving…
Her last meal cooked by her lover…
I just chuckled softly…
The sweet and inviting aroma that kept swirling around in the air-
It’s like I was guilt-tripping myself into never leaving!
How could I…?
My stomach just growled at me…
An all-complete breakfast… eggs benedict with glazed hashbrowns and bacon…
“Heh… not bad…”
“Not… bad…”
My lips… could barely curve around…
To make a fool out of myself…
I recalled there were some muffins left, which I had bought the other day…
In the refrigerator…
I sighed…
I left the television on once more, as she always kept it on, whenever I was away…
I glanced at our humble abode…
It was just a normal-looking studio, with a massive panoramic view of the city in front of the living room, where the skies had been left open-
The soft and white clouds had left me entranced…
Along with the ocean waves and their never-ending cycles…
I decided…
To leave my things behind…
And with every bated breath and carefully thought-out footstep-
I stared at the door knob, with my hand left hanging-
Grasping my set of keys…
Unable to turn it over-
“Kate…”
“I’m off!”
The flash of white light had blinded me, once I had opened…
That door…
It’s like the very moment I left open…
With its automatic pressurized hinges, about to close it…
My h-home…
My… l-love…
Was forever gone…
I…
Couldn’t be her protector anymore…
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And how could I…?
When I’m…
When I’m…
When I’m left like this…?
Too tired to leave… and too tired…
To move on…
To keep on living…
…
For… myself…
…
Do I even exist…?
When all I’ve ever wanted is to be recognized… and seen…
And I can’t… be…
Who I truly am…
My spirit just drifts…
From one conversation to another…
I’ve got to be… this… other person…
One who is responsible… one who is strong…
One who… is silent…
The one person that could take on the entire world, and then some…
“And yet…”
The windows were wide open, as I felt my collar choking up on me-
I tried to shift it, but to no avail…
It still kept on suffocating me-
The green pastures, the scent of the fresh breeze… the laughter and mischief of those with connections…
While I just stood here…
Staring… blankly…
At the empty shore…
The sound of the waves… calming my nerves…
And yet…
I put my lips together, blowing my breath into the surging wind-
I felt my soul slowly leaving me…
It sank lower and lower and lower and lower…
“I can’t be who you need me to be…”
“Kate…”
A sudden loud flock of chirping birds had swung past me, and along with the gusts of tomorrow…
It kept swinging the windows violently…
But I didn’t bat an eye…
They were so free… so beautiful…
Their flapping wings and little voices had filled the air with a sense of calm-
A sense of contentment…
But…
If I keep being like this…
Who I truly am… deep inside…
This afternoon heat…
Was starting to get to me…
I… felt a massive headache coming…
I glanced over towards my back, seeing multiple of my classmates, spending their time well…
Some were talking to their friends about the most mundane of things, like gossip about some person that did THIS and THAT
Who cares????
I shook my head, sighing deeply
In that very moment…
It felt like I was slowly being separated from what…
Was expected of me…
From what… was considered normal…
I should be like them… shouldn’t I?
And yet…
I stared at my reflection by the window, a frail-looking figure, a normal-looking fellow, all quiet and unassuming-
I think…
I can’t be accepted…
By anyone… nor anywhere…
My hands were shaking, and my knees were trembling-
My lips… all parched once more…
They… were quivering… as well…
I felt my whole world shake into two, as if there was an earthquake around…
But who am I kidding…?
There weren’t any earthquakes around here…!
Their voices had melted together for me, smiles and witty dialogue couldn’t be a better distraction…
But that didn’t distract me from anything…
My head…
Felt like it was about to burst open!
I…
I wanted to run…
To where exactly?
Who knows…
But…
This ringing sound in my ear couldn’t stop blasting…
My breath was starting to shorten by the minute…
I kept on panting and panting…
I know I shouldn’t be here…
I know…
I don’t belong here…
…
I never did… did I?
…
“Hey?”
“You alright?”
“Yeah…”
“Yeah?”
I didn’t really bother by being talked to-
It’s probably just some other request, where they need something from me… As usual-
I rolled my eyes at this figure behind me, I could feel some sort of gap of air by the back of my ears, for some reason…
My heart raced…
She instantly grabbed me by the chin, her heat radiating by the fingertips, her eyes-
They spoke to me-
A sudden fiery look of absolute magnificence-
I… couldn’t breathe…
I…
For the first time in a while…
I smiled… so wide!
So… much…
I chuckled so hard, heads turned, eyes stared, the air suddenly filled with progress-
But I didn’t care… cause she…
I could feel it…
She… wanted me…
Didn’t she?
“What’s so funny, huh?” Her breath tickled my cheeks, her lips slowly moved, making up this pretty shape in my head, I proceeded to hold her hand tightly, the one that was free…
Somehow I knew… something was up… this…
Wasn’t just some meeting…
“Nothing!”
“What’s it to ya!?!? Holding me like t-that…!”
“It’s uncalled for!” I rose from my seat, holding both arms as if to grab the moon that governed above us…
I know…! A weird thing to say, in the middle of the afternoon!
“Never knew you were the type to talk back!”
She got closer, her footsteps bordering on galactic proportions-
Her every move and word… oh boy! Did I anticipate it!
“Whatever your name is…” She tilted my head upwards, my smirk growing, a side of me I knew deep down… which was always a part of me… who knew…? This would be the day…
It would awaken…
“Heh!”
“You’re getting what’s coming to ya… holding me like this!”
“I’m getting vengeance!”
“Oh yeah?”
She started to move her body with great exaggeration, her hands all over her arms, twisting her hips and curves, as if to rile me up. I just snickered in response, my hands upon my nose, I rubbed it, raising my eyebrows-
“What are ya going to do to me? Hmm?” her lips had insinuated such words with clear deliberation-
Suddenly, my whole world froze over, my confidence shattered, I was left hanging in the air, floating-
What was I to say? Or do?
“Well, spit it out already!”
“Lo. ver. Boy~”
“I- I”
“U-ummm” I tried to swallow, but my dry throat wouldn’t let me…
Oh… I forgot!
Everybody was staring at us… oh… god…
“Man I’m just kidding! Come on now, let’s catch up after school!”
“Can’t have ya brooding everyday! It’s frankly an eyesore for me.”
“Besides~”
“I bet… you’re not taken… are you?”
I shook my head in response, my voice still not having found its way to ever showing up… after what I just pulled off!
God! What’s wrong with me!
“Good!”
“I’m Emily by the way!”
“I- I’m Ian…”
“Well, ‘Ian’, let’s catch a movie later!”
“There’s this interesting movie about some B-grade superheroes and- Oh, whatever!”
“I’ll tell you all about it later!”
“See ya!” She patted my back, just as she came into my life, she just got up and left, so easily, it was chaotic… it… was fun… being caught up and being dragged along for a change…
Not just me… planning, carrying, needing to be… ‘the one’ doing all the work…
Just like… with you…
“Kate…”
People left me alone after that, its like just as sudden as that whole scenario was…
Some chance encounter… with… her…
They didn’t really care, they had too many other things to talk about-
And so did the day pass like nothing, like sand slipping by my fingers-
Like the routine of a white collar job, I couldn’t even care much to be honest…
All I could keep thinking about was…
“Emily…”
But even though we just met… how could she care about me anyways…?
Isn’t this just some fling? Some girl looking for another… ‘score’?
Come to think of it…
I did recognize her… maybe I just didn’t care enough to back then…
She… was always just as rowdy like today…
She knew… everyone! And everyone liked her…
And yet… she always kept sneaking these short little glances at me…
“I wonder WHY…?”
“Heh!” I scoffed, not knowing why exactly…
I sighed, covering my face with both my arms, pretending to sleep, still embarrassed of what had just transpired, and despite my back beginning to hurt, and sweat forming all over my face, such an uncomfortable sight…
I didn’t want anybody to see my face…
She… was WAY out of my league…
She was the type to have guys fawn all over her…
So why…? WHY ME?
Who cares about what I FEEL? Who cares about some nobody like me?
Some loner who couldn’t even be bothered to make friends… just like the rest of them…
I can’t… be like them…
My thoughts kept swirling inside of my head, like a cloud hanging over me, it kept me nauseated, it kept me fidgeting, it kept me…
My hips were doing their thing again! Shaking up and down… and up and down…
“Why would you want to hang out with someone…”
“Like me?”
And how could I show my face to anybody…?
When I… am weaker… than they thought I was already…
A puddle collected under my chin, drooping all over my cheeks and my weary eyes-
I sighed over and over again…
Is it finally time to leave…?
My ears were all the more sharper than ever, discerning what should be ringing, shutting down every other undesirable noise, from chit chats to the traffic outside…
Why would it all matter?
Only one thing did…
RING RING RING RING RING RING!
“Ah… FINALLY!” I raised my voice, getting up and leaving with such speed, you could tell something was going to happen today!
I didn’t care if I was panting, I didn’t care if people were looking and whispering-
Today I’ve got an ‘appointment’
Today… I’m finally somebody!
Right…?
“Right?” I shuffled from door to door, hallway to hallway, person to person, my hand kept on dividing the space that kept people smushed together in this suffocating place!
With footsteps foreboding, with shoulders broadening, I saw her waving by the main exit, her gleeful radiance kept me going, like a moth to a flame-
The window panels reflected orange hues from the upcoming sunset, the slight cool breeze that escaped from the widely opened doors-
For the first time… I felt like… I was alive again…
My heart kept on yearning, my soul kept on needing, it was clinging to what you could call…
Hope…
Maybe… this was it… maybe… this was…
What I’ve been waiting for… all my life…
…
And yet…
Why does something feel off?
Why does this all feel…
Like a dream…
That I have to wake from…?
…
“Where am I?”
I was holding something…
This darkness that filled my entire being…
It’s all I’ve ever known…
It’s become… my home…
And yet…
I hate going back here… to my real home…
Sudden sparks and the twist of the wrist-
I was… moving so erratically, what was I even doing?
A sharp object that I could sense, I dodged it with great ease, sliding underneath it, I connected my attack along with it-
Creating this symphony of chaos, bodies flying, arms flailing, hips widening-
I gritted my teeth, tightening my grip on the hilt-
What was this… thing?
A shadow…?
I couldn’t even tell WHERE we were even fighting!
A sudden slash caused the seconds to last, it almost cut through my face and ear there!
All it did was scratch my face heavily-
My eyes followed the assailant’s weapon, dodging and jumping-
I didn’t even know I could fight like this-
“Who are you kidding?”
Huh…?
It… spoke…?
A weird feeling came over me, a sort of cold sweat overlapped with my…
“Your fears!”
“I know every word and every thought you’re about to make!”
“WOULD YOU SHUT UP!” I raised my voice, as IT just kept on chuckling
I raised my blade, creating this gap between us, we kept staring down at each other-
Me and its beady black eyes of nothingness…
“Why do you think this is happening? Hmm?”
“Where do you think you are? And who am I supposed to be?”
Its figure was non-existent, I could perceive some sort of arms that kept on rising upwards and upwards-
Stretching into the great unknown…
It suddenly flashed towards my position, spreading its legs to support its massive slash, that could break apart mountains, the wind around us from the impact of the force, kept on blowing and howling-
My eyes in turn followed its every movements, causing me to react with the proper responses-
A slash there, a cut there, a slice above, and a dodge from under-
We kept at it for what seemed like hours-
It felt meaningless…
LIKE A HUGE WASTE OF TIME!
“Because it is!”
Our blades were creating these sparks of great ignition, I stared it down, and so did it with me, this power struggle was immense-
It felt like… if I did lose…
I wouldn’t ever be waking up… anytime soon now…
“Your whole life is a waste of time!”
“You can’t even make friends! You can’t even bring yourself to trust anybody! To give yourself a good time!”
“Tell me…”
“What is this all for? Hmm?”
“Why live at all…”
“When your one shot at love…”
“Was me?”
My jaw just dropped, and my eyes kept on widening further-
It…
The shadow…
Was her…
The one… who kept me alive…
And the one… who kept me from dying…
But… I might as well be…
Dead…
Because of her…
“K-Kate…”
“That’s right darling…” The shadowy figure started to give form, it… no! She… was everything… the way I left her… in my pajamas, tucked in and holding the sheets that we spent so many nights over-
I didn’t see it…
But…
My blade…
Was right through her body!
With her blood dripping…
All over my hands…
Because of… me…
The white sheets that reminded me of so many good times…
It now flashed… RED…
I…
I couldn’t bring myself to look at it…
“Why d’you leave me huh?”
“...”
“WHY D’YOU LEAVE ME TO DIE?!?!?”
“WHEN I GAVE YOU MY LOVE!”
“YOU LOSER! YOU LONER! YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN!”
“YOU’RE NOT EVEN THAT! YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THAT-”
“SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I SCREAMED SO HARD, IT COULD’VE RUPTURED MY VOCAL CHORDS…
Literally, the enactment of “screaming bloody murder”...
“Shut up…”
…
“Shut up…”
…
“Ian?”
“What’s the matter?”
“Are you…”
“Crying?”
I didn’t know it…
But I was…
“K-Kate!”
“I’m sorry!”
“For letting you go…!”
“For leaving you all alone!”
“For…”
“Being less of a man…”
I was shaking and hyperventilating so much, my vision was blurring, my sense of touch was numbing, I thought I was falling over from a cliff, never to return…
Falling over towards the void, with the perpetual feeling of flight always weighing down on my heart-
And yet-
She… embraced me…
Her arms were enveloping, her warmth was spreading, the chill of the air-conditioned silence, along with the flickering lights of the projector above and behind us-
With the scenes of those very same B-grade superheroes… fighting what looked like memories… of their suffering… of their pain… of their neglect… as… as… people…
They wanted to save this one man… this so-called “villain”... who was just one of them… this whole time…
He kept on beating and crying against this shadow, that was about to kill his friends, people he loathed, people he couldn’t bring himself to trust-
How could he?
I sobbed hard, and her shirt was a mess-
And yet…
She didn’t care…
For once…
Somebody is letting me… be me…
She brought her lips against my ear, her breath radiated heat, it… soothed me…
“Ian… I know… how much you’re hurting…”
“Don’t think I just came here with you, to simply ‘hang out’ with you…”
“I want… to see you happy…”
“And you… deserve peace…”
“You… deserve love…”
“Just like him on the screen over there” She pointed right at the man who fought against his own nature, his choked screams and his eyes pleading such vulnerability, he didn’t need words…
All he needed… was his actions…
To show… what kind of man… he really was…
“You’re stronger than you think…”
“You’re more ‘man’... than anybody I’ve seen in my life…”
“So please… don’t ever let go…”
“E-Emily…” I whimpered beneath her touch, it was such an ugly sight for me-
But to her… it meant all the world!
To see me… being me…
“Ian…”
She curved her head, her eyes bearing into my soul, her eyes like the deep pearls beneath the ocean, so deep, so pretty, so…
Understanding…
“I see you…”
…
