Just as Yuto was finally catching his breath from the lightning apocalypse he’d just caused, a deep rumble came from the bushes.
Rustle... rustle...
SNORT!
Yuto turned slowly.
From the shrubs exploded the ugliest, fattest, most BOAR-FACED monstrosity he had ever seen. It was a towering pig-orc, complete with jagged steel armor, yellow tusks, and a steel axe that looked like it had been forged by someone who hated everything.
“WOOOOAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!” it bellowed, saliva flying, snot hanging, and rage radiating like a cheap sauna.
Yuto blinked. “Oh. Cool. That’s fair.”
The pig-orc roared like a dying lawnmower and swung its steel axe with the fury of someone who really hated students. Yuto tried to block with his wand.
Bad idea.
CLANG!!
His wand exploded like it was made of breadsticks. Yuto was launched into a tree and slid down, leaving a Yuto-shaped dent in the bark.
“MY STICK!!” he wheezed.
The pig-orc roared again, steam blasting from its nostrils like a pig-shaped train. It lifted its axe.
Yuto, seeing death charging at him in HD, panicked.
“FIREBALL!!”
DING!
[Spell Spam] ACTIVATED. Please enjoy your magical machine gun.
“Wait, NO—!”
BOOM!
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
Yuto was yeeted backward by the recoil like a human rocket.
“STOP!!” he screamed, flailing mid-air like a lawn chair in a tornado.
The system beeped:
[Spell Spam] does not understand “STOP.” Try slamming your face into a tree.
Yuto did exactly that—crashed headfirst into a tree and finally the fireballs stopped. He flopped onto the dirt, groaning.
Meanwhile, the pig-orc had been turned into a flaming pork tornado. The final fireball hit it in the butt. It spun in the air, dropped its axe, and landed snout-first into a burning bush with a sad little sizzle.
ding
Loot Obtained:
Burnt Porkchop x1
Steel Axe (Still Smoking)
Orc Teeth (Assorted, scattered nearby)
System Tip:
“Maybe don’t shout the name of every spell you’re thinking of. Just a thought.”
Yuto lay there, twitching slightly.
His robe was in tatters. One shoe was gone. His hair looked like it lost a fight with a microwave.
Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.
He coughed up a leaf. “I hate magic.”
Then he saw the porkchop and his stomach growled.
“…Okay maybe I love magic. Just a little.”
Yuto sat in front of the smoldering orc, eyes wide, stomach growling like a tiny, angry beast.
He stared at the burnt porkchop in his hand. It was still sizzling, a little black on the edges, and smelled like bacon left on the grill during a fire drill.
“Looks... edible?” he said, more to himself than anyone else. He took the steel axe, which was still warm, and awkwardly sliced a chunk off the orc’s shoulder like it was a roast ham.
He bit in.
Crunch.
His eyes welled up.
“…It’s... it’s a little overcooked,” he sniffled, chewing like his life depended on it. “But it’s... it’s so good.”
He sobbed openly, holding the chunk of crispy orc meat like it was his long-lost brother. “I was just trying to eat curry… now I’m eating ogre ribs in a cursed forest.”
He sliced another piece.
“God... it’s so smoky… It’s like barbecue made by a war crime.”
The system chimed in:
[System]: Congratulations. You’ve discovered: “Survivor’s Cuisine.” Now featuring burnt regret and crispy coping mechanisms.
[Cooking Skill Unlocked?]
Haha. No.
Yuto gave the system the finger while chewing another bite.
Then he wiped his tears with a lettuce leaf he found nearby. Or maybe it was moss. He didn’t care.
“I don’t know if I’m winning or losing,” he muttered, shoving another bite into his mouth. “But I’m full. And that’s something.”
Yuto leaned back against the remains of the orc, still chewing. “Hey, System,” he mumbled with his mouth full. “Do the others have, like... a you?”
A pause.
[System]: …What.
He swallowed. “You know. The other four back at the throne room. Do they have a system like you talking to them too?”
Another pause. Longer this time.
[System]: Excuse me?
“Like, are there four other Systems? Do you guys hang out? Compare notes? Play poker in the code or something?”
[System]: WHY would there be others like me?!
[System]: I'm unique. Special. Built different. I’m the System. Not a System.
[System]: Those posers probably get boring tooltips and basic voice settings.
[System]: I’ve got ?personality?. And passive-aggressive sass. That’s rare.
Yuto blinked. “…So that’s a no?”
[System]: It’s a ‘don’t ask again unless you want to unlock the hidden skill: ‘Sassy Backhand from the Aether.’’
Yuto raised his hands. “Okay, okay. Just curious. Jeez.”
[System]: You're lucky I like you. You feed me content. You're a walking sitcom with a mana bar.
“…Thanks, I think?”
[System]: You’re welcome, meatball.
Yuto sighed, staring up at the trees.
And for the first time since arriving, he actually cracked a small smile.
Yuto wiped the orc grease from his mouth with a leaf that was probably clean and sighed. “Alright, System. Where do I even go now? I mean, do I just vibe in the forest forever or—”
[System]: Head west.
Yuto blinked. “That was fast.”
[System]: Yeah, because I knew you were gonna start monologuing like a lost anime side character. So I saved us both time.
“Rude.”
[System]: There’s a cave past the big weird rock shaped like a butt. You’ll know it when you see it. Go through that cave and you’ll hit the town of Grumblethorn.
Yuto raised an eyebrow. “Grumblethorn? That sounds like a town where everyone’s lactose intolerant and angry about it.”
[System]: Accurate. Population: 114. Mood: perpetually annoyed. Mayor’s name is Kevin. He yells at ducks.
“…You made that up.”
[System]: I really didn’t. You’ll see. Just don’t touch his wheelbarrow. He bites.
Yuto stood up, stretched his arms, and picked up what was left of his stick-wand. “Alright. West it is. Toward the butt-rock and Kevin the duck-yelling mayor. Totally normal day.”
[System]: Welcome to adventure, baby. Now move before something else with tusks spawns.
Yuto took one step west and stretched. “Okay, not so bad. A little walk, a cave, and then off to meet a man named Kevin who screams at poultry. Easy.”
[System]: You should probably hurry.
“Huh?”
[System]: Minor update. Incoming danger.
RRRRROOOOOAAAARRRGHHHH!!!
A massive, tusked boar the size of a small car burst out of the underbrush like a pork-flavored missile, its beady eyes locked onto Yuto.
“OH COME ON!”
[System]: I did say something with tusks might spawn.
“YOU SAID THAT AFTER I TOOK A STEP!”
[System]: Time is relative. Yours is almost up. Run, genius.
“YOU ARE THE WORST GPS!”
Yuto bolted, flailing his arms and screaming something about bacon and betrayal as the ground thundered beneath him. The boar was gaining.
[System]: Pro tip: Maybe cast something instead of just dying dramatically?
“OH YEAH! RIGHT!”
He spun mid-sprint, aimed his wand nub, and yelled, “Lightning!”
A thin bolt of electricity zapped from the broken wand stub—just enough to taze the boar’s face and make it trip over a log. It tumbled head over hooves and face-planted into a bush, squealing in rage.
Yuto didn’t stop running.
“I AM NEVER TRUSTING A TALKING SYSTEM AGAIN!”
[System]: Joke’s on you. I’m the only one.
