Last night, I had a dream that my mother tried to take her own life. It really hurt me. I'm 25 years old now, and it's still a terrifying nightmare for me.

  So I just want to count the ways they destroyed me inside. In case someone says, “Why do you always remember the bad parts instead of how they treated you well?” — I would say, I remember everything. It's not a contradiction.

  My father is a narcissist. He feels pleased when he sees that you’ve been hurt by his behavior — it gives him a sense of control over your emotions.

  For example, if you're watching your favorite TV show and it's at a crucial moment you don’t want to miss, once he notices this, he’ll immediately change the channel. He doesn't even care what’s on the screen — he just wants to see you lose your temper, to see you break down. Then he’ll say, “Look how crazy you are. Do you even know who you are?”

  It also reminds me of New Year 2020. That winter was bitterly cold. I was studying at a university 2,000 kilometers away from home, so for the holiday, I took a 30-hour train ride back.

  I was genuinely excited — thrilled, even — to see my family again. I truly believed they would be just as happy to see me after such a long time apart.

  I spent my birthday on that train. The day after my birthday, I finally arrived home. I was completely exhausted, so I slept until noon the next day.

  While I was having lunch, I gnced at my phone — maybe to check if there was any school-reted news. That upset my father. He started verbally attacking me, saying how disrespectful and infuriating it was to use my phone during meals. Then he went on to say how shameful and zy I was for sleeping in the morning.

  Inside, I felt helpless and wronged. I couldn’t even finish my meal. I put down my chopsticks and went straight back to my room. I had come all the way home from thousands of kilometers away, thinking I would be met with care and warmth from my parents — but instead, I was met with inexplicable anger and bme.

  And then came what everyone remembers about 2020 — COVID-19.