Ugh, I guess I can’t put it off anymore. Al’s been on my ass for the last month about going to Lilly’s … lair? Somehow nothing’s gone catastrophically wrong yet. He hasn’t even lost any of the Association’s interns checking on her progress. Unfortunately, it also means I don’t have an excuse to not go by anymore. Technically she’s supposed to be making equipment for me, but I really don’t want her to. Firstly I hate having to keep something from being on fire. Lighting everything else on fire is a pretty easy foundation, so there’s no reason to complicate it. Secondly, I’ve fought enough mad scientists to know the failure rate on their inventions is about one in four and I’d rather not worry about my trinkets exploding mid-fight. Thirdly, did everyone forget the whole kid of a mad scientist thing? I’d hate to keep harping on it, but I just wish somebody else was acknowledging how stupid this is, it’s making me feel like I’m the crazy one. Whatever, it’s not like I’ve never been in worse situations before, hopefully the struggle is just going to be pretending whatever trinket her power came up with is useful. Even though I don’t actually know what her power is, there’s a pretty obvious pattern to abilities that make things; usually the easier it is to make things the narrower the things you can make are and vice-versa. Her dad’s power is the epitome of that, it’s so fast that he can churn out armies of drones in a day, and he doesn’t even need all the materials, but really the only thing he can make are drones, and not particularly bright ones. Not to mention since he substitutes his blood for materials the amount of material he can skip is limited. Ugh, I better not get a swarm of barely intelligent drones … although I guess if I do I can treat them as a bit disposable. Also I really hope whatever I do get isn’t made of blood or anything equally creepy … well I’ll make it work.

  I pull up to the address. Egh, I really did a number on this place. It’s still mostly a crater on the surface level with just a few pieces of construction work starting to set up walls. At least there’s still a place to park. I walk past a few construction workers who give me odd looks, but they’re probably used to strange things happening. The underground entrance is actually easier to see now, there’s a wooden roof … thing over it. I guess it keeps the rain out or something. It takes some effort to move the cover enough to go in, but I guess it would be rude to burn it away this time. As I descend down I hear a strange sound of metal on metal, almost like a metallic skittering. It sets my instincts on edge, and I have to pause for a few seconds to calm myself. I get to the bottom of the ladder and look around, and leap back on instinct. Standing in front of me is a large metallic spider, about the size of a large dog. It looks sturdily built, with each of the legs bearing an unpleasant resemblance to a blade aside from the feet, which are separated into three pointed “toes” each. At the front is a pair of cameras pointed at me. The spider itself isn’t moving, just staring at me. We stand like that for a few seconds before it starts walking towards one of the doorways, its feet making the distinctive skittering I’d heard before. Lacking any better direction I follow behind it, looking around the room as we walk. There are normal lights in the ceiling again, and the place actually looks much cleaner. I wonder if some of the interns cleaned up, or if there’s a cleaning drone around here … actually if there is one maybe I can borrow it, I’d be willing to put a lot of reservations aside if I didn’t have to clean my house anymore. The spider drone … thing, walks up to a closed door. With a surprising amount of dexterity it uses its two front legs to open the door, and steps inside. Following after I again have to suppress my urge to set things on fire. Lilly’s sitting at a table with some complicated mess of wires and gears, and aside from the already horrifying metal spider there are two other drones in the room. One looks like a large metal sphere about the size of a watermelon, with panels that seem to be designed to slide aside on the surface. It’s sitting on a bed next to a much simpler looking drone, designed a bit like a centipede, but about the size of a rat. What’s with her drones and looking like giant bugs? Before I can think on it further Lilly looks down towards the spider. “Thanks for that Spike. You didn’t have to go through all that trouble.”

  She reaches down and pets the drone, although I can’t imagine it’s terribly pleasant for either one. “Of course madam, I would hate to leave such an unscrupulous individual unsupervised.”

  Unscrupulous? Me? Also, wait, better question… “That thing can talk?”

  Maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud, given the withering look I get from Lilly. That’s new, I didn't even know she could pull off withering. “Yes, he can speak.”

  “I simply saw no need to speak to one such as you, lest I bother my lady unnecessarily.”

  Well at least she can make intelligent drones, although it apparently makes them asses. “Right, well it’s good to see things are going well here. Lights are set up and everything, and I think Al’s hoping you’ll be providing some assistance to my next mission.”

  Oddly she’s not the one who responds. “Indeed, said requirement was a tertiary intention behind my combat ready construction.”

  Great, so I’m going to be working with the spider. “Right … well then it’s a pleasure to start working with you then.”

  The spider thing, Spike I think she said, regards me for a second. “I too will pretend to anticipate our interactions for the future mission.”

  Great, this will go swimmingly. On the bright side I’m sure Al would love it If I got a sassy robot sidekick. “Perfect, so what do you do Spike?” I can probably guess most of it, the thing’s literally a giant bladed metal spider, but it’s best to be sure.

  “I am capable of moving in excess of 70 miles per hour on most terrains, including walls and ceilings. In deference to your capabilities I have been designed to operate briefly at high temperatures thanks to heat sinks, however this is intended only as a stopgap measure, and shouldn’t be relied on. My combat style is tuned to make optimal use of my superior speed and maneuverability, by focusing on rapid strikes and payload injections. I have various paralytics to avoid worsening your reputation for accidental extrajudicial murders, but without it I am forced to rely on my superior knowledge of human anatomy to perform non-lethal maneuvers. Finally I have incidental capabilities matching an average quality smartphone, and am thus capable of making calls, accessing the internet, and playing music.”

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  Spike’s cadence bothers me, I was mentally prepared for it to list several things off in a completely emotionless monotone, I didn't expect its voice to instead have undertones of both spite, and superiority. Also, the heat sink part concerns me, if it’s capable of moving fast, and ignoring my power for at least a short period of time, that implies that it’s probably more than capable of killing me with a bit of bad luck. I really hope that wasn’t intentional, but I should keep my guard up around this thing. As I’m thinking Lilly goes back to stroking it’s side “I made Spike for security, but also with Albert’s request in mind, he’ll be very helpful with whatever mission it is you need help with. Won’t you?”

  It rubs up against her hand almost like a cat, it’s kind of creepy after just having heard him explain its capabilities. But … I have to keep myself from smiling, at least the perfect way to get back at Al just fell into my lap. “Well then shall the two of us get going? I’m sure Al wouldn’t have sent me if he didn’t have something interesting planned.”

  One quick drive later, and I think this entire effort might have been worth it just to see the look on Al’s face as he leaps onto his desk, when a giant metal spider walks into his office. “Greetings, I am to understand you have a mission of vital enough importance for my mistress to send a mainstay component of her personal security detail to deal with it personally.”

  Alright, he definitely sounds angrier now that he’s not with Lilly, that’s probably concerning, and not just that she’s a versatile enough tinkerer to make a sentient combat robot that does what she asks of it. At least from the lack of quantity it seems like she’s slow, so she shouldn’t have a drone army like her dad did unless we seriously mess up. It also didn’t look like she could do material substitution like her dad which is another plus, it means she’s dependent on a source of materials. Anyway, I should probably intervene before Al pisses himself, or worse pisses off the giant murder spider that I don’t know how to efficiently neutralize. “Sorry to spook ya Al, this is Spike. Lilly sent him to help on my next mission.”

  That at least gives Al some of his composure back, and with a few deep breaths he climbs down, and sits back at his desk. “Yes of course, apologies, drones don’t come in every day, so the reasoning slipped my mind. I do hope this is the beginning of a fruitful partnership Spike.”

  Spike shifts slightly closer to the desk. “Your hopes on the subject are a pointless distraction from the task at hand, my lady Lilly is the one to whom you should direct all promises of alliance or better yet of your subservience, I have no intention to undertake tasks at anyone else’s request. Now, we have exchanged meaningless pleasantries for far longer than is required. Kindly inform me of the actions I am required to undertake, and they shall be performed, lest I reflect poorly upon my mistress’s perfection with my own flaws.”

  It’s almost relieving to see that for once Al doesn’t have an immediate answer to that. Spike doesn’t speak like a normal drone, but he also definitely doesn’t speak like a sane person. “Right, yes, your mission. Actually it’s related to your little group of … three?”

  “Five.” Spike responds almost instantly, guess he counts the two other drones I saw.

  “Right … five. Well some of the higher ups were hoping to make it six actually. Or three people I suppose I should say.” Oh god I can feel the headache incoming already, there’s no way this can be good. “I see your concern, but it’s out of either of our hands, so there’s no reason to be annoyed by it. The higher ups noticed how useful this plan was to deal with situations that normally can’t be resolved in a popular way so to speak. So they’ve put us in charge of one such situation, especially since we already have a base to our name.”

  Before I can respond Spike puts his two front legs onto the desk, for the first time I notice how incredibly sharp his toes are, as they bite into the wood. “I hope for your sake you are not declaring that you will put Lady Lilly’s life in danger by forcing cohabitation with an unknown agent. As interim head of her security, I cannot allow such ideas to propagate.”

  Hmm, I kind of get what inventors see in drones now. When we want the same thing, having a giant metal murder spider do the talking is rather nice. Still I make some flames wreath around my hands, even if I agree with its general point, I probably shouldn’t let Spike go unchallenged when it’s being this overtly hostile. Al interjects a bit too quickly to sound natural. “I had absolutely no intention of making any such move without her consultation. However the two of them ought to speak first at the very least.”

  Spike pauses briefly before stepping back from the desk. “Very well, perhaps interaction with other humans would be a positive step for Lady Lilly. However, do not expect my silence or inaction regarding any security risks this creates.”

  I let the flames disperse, at least things have calmed down for now, but I really have trouble placing Spike’s personality. He acts a lot like a normal person most of the time, but the second Lilly’s brought up he flips personality to aggressively protective murder spider, almost parental in a way, which feels backwards. Oh well, I won’t get anywhere just thinking in circles like this, especially when mad science is involved. “So who’s the actual target? I can’t think of any real supervillains with kids, they’re not usually the parental type.”

  Al adjusts his glasses which had slipped down his nose. “Yes well, apparently the villain Behemoth has had a daughter for a while. Since he’s been active recently the timing happens to line up. I know your personal feelings on the matter are a touch complex, but this is a perfect opportunity to bury such improper feelings from the public eye.”

  Ugh, complex is a way to put it, mostly I just don’t really dislike Behemoth. He’s a VLC, or ‘Villain Lacking Cooperation’, it’s just a coded way to say a Vigilante that refuses to work with the Heroes’ Association for whatever reason, and frankly there are a few good ones. The Heroes’ Association marks them as villains, so most don’t last long, but Behemoth is also one of those people whose power doesn’t have a great counter. He has what’s basically a form of metaphysical ignorance, meaning he ignores a substantial percent of things around him. The guy could get hit by a truck and treat it like being poked by a very wide stick, and since it’s such a broad power it doesn’t have a flat weakness. He can be poisoned, but you’d need a few hundred times the dose to actually down him, he can be burned, but you’d basically need to throw him into the sun. Not to mention this goes both ways, if he punches someone he’s going to be ignoring most of their resilience. At least he’s not the type to go for kills, so I’ll almost certainly survive this madness, but it definitely dashed my hopes that today was going to get any better.