The night sky was like a canvas. Only infinite and completely bck, as if someone had spilled bck paint all over it. Stars shimmered and twinkled on it. Some bright. Some dim. But all of them seemed to gaze down at him, as though saying– we see you . We always do .

  For some reason, the sky looked extra beautiful from the top of this terrace tonight. Sucked him right in. In its vastness and infiniteness. In the idea that under this same sky, there were so many people suffering like him and still finding strength to keep going. In the thought that in the grand scheme of it all, maybe his life wasn't all so bad.

  He was breathing and shit. His body was in one piece. He could feel the night air on his skin and in the strands of his hair. He could see the stars winking at him, hear the universe’s silence so loud it drowned out the chaos of his thoughts, smell the hustle-bustle of the city life below, and taste the steady thrum of his heartbeat in his mouth. All the vital signs that he was fine and functioning. Alive. And therefore, could go on for another day.

  Just one more day.

  If he could find it in himself to hold on to life until tomorrow, then the man standing next to him–a hell lot more precious than Eunyung with his smart mind and weeping heart–deserved to see it as well. He had to see the good in the bad. He had to live. It would be a loss to the whole world to let this man slip away in such a miserable way. To live and not know Haejoon Goh could be the most tragic thing happening to many people right now.

  "Don't give up. You hear me, Haejoon? I also get this insane urge to end my life sometimes. Moments where I feel nothing but hopelessness and hatred. At myself, my shitty life, my loser parents, towards anything and everything under the damn sky. But if I can control it, so can you."

  Eunyung turned to see the bck-haired man looking down the railing with a solemn expression. He stayed silent though Eunyung knew his words had nded some impact. He really wished that they did.

  Dressed in all bck, Haejoon looked like the night himself. Only instead of the calmness dripping from the night sky, Haejoon's profile leaked with unspeakable tension. Sagged shoulders as if the whole world was weighing down on him. Crushing him with all its might. Fists clenching and unclenching, no doubt happening instinctively and in rhythm with the thoughts about his mother.

  His mother who was beaten up by his dickhead lumberjack father. His mother who hadn't just sucked up to it and instead fought back to give little Haejoon the safe haven he deserved. The same little Haejoon who hadn’t noticed any signs of the trauma his mother went through while an adult Haejoon was beating himself up over it.

  Who would have thought they both had so much in common. An asshole dad. A beaten-up mom. A wreckage for a family. An emotional disconnect with parents. An absence of home. An urge to die and finish it once and for all.

  Yet . . . they couldn't be more different.

  He could see their differences when Haejoon turned to him with eyes that flickered with a million of emotions at once. Horror. Anger. Guilt. And regret. So much regret. Haejoon was drowning in sadness while if anybody bothered to look into Eunyung's eyes, they would know there was nothing there. They were empty. A hollowness had found its home where once hope had been. He had read it once that when life gets miserable, the first thing it does is leech the hope from your eyes. It was true in most cases including his own.

  "How can I when I look so much like him?” Haejoon said, voice raw with hoarseness. “When I had hurt my mom just like he did. He is a piece of shit for putting his hands on her but so am I for saying that I was sick of living with her. I'm so much like him it makes me nauseous."

  Here was the boy who was bawling his eyes out and shaking in anger after knowing that his mother was a victim of domestic violence and somewhere, in the same city, was his narcissistic father justifying the act of spping around his wife and the mother of his child as something normal and inconsequential, something that just happened in the heat of the moment. How could this man with tear-stained cheeks and anguished gaze be someone simir to a fucking heartless monster who didn't know anything about remorse to begin with?

  Eunyung shook his head. No. They were nothing alike. Haejoon's mother had made sure they never would be. If the man standing before him was her son, then Eunyung was sure she must have been someone truly remarkable.

  Eunyung moved and came to stand in front of Haejoon. Before thinking twice, he reached out, took the hand clenching around the cold metal railing, and gently put it in his own. Haejoon didn’t flinch, didn’t pull away. He either didn't register the contact or didn't care enough to say something about it. Come to think of it, now that they didn't fight as much as they used to, Haejoon never seemed to mind Eunyung touching him without permission.

  "You are like your mother." The rough fingers jerked in his hold. "I see her when I see you. If you believe nothing then believe this. She wouldn't have wanted to see his only son turn into a suicidal rabid dog who thought only about ending the life she fought so hard to provide you every second of every day. She gave you so many things every child want from their parents but don't get–happiness, love, a secured childhood, and a safe home filled with love and respect. Do not throw away whatever she gave you just because you think you're like your dad. You are her son."

  With every word, Eunyung watched the shine coming back to this maniac's eyes. A sheen of something that could only be called "relief." It was bizarre to see someone valuing his words. Trusting them. Nobody trusted Eunyung. His own mother said he was a goddamned pathological liar at every given opportunity. So, looking at the trust in Haejoon's eyes for him made goosebumps rise on the back of his neck. Or maybe it was because of the cold breeze that just passed by.

  The change was almost tangible. Eunyung watched the tension leaving Haejoon's body in real time. While one second ago he was hunched over like someone who has lost everything in his life, now he stood with his shoulders straight, chin up, and jaw clenched in quiet determination. For the first time that day, he looked like someone ready to face the world and the people in it again.

  "I'll keep what you said in mind."

  It was said in a way that Eunyung knew Haejoon meant it. And yet, even though the blond had hoped Haejoon would remember what he said, hearing it aloud still made Eunyung flush. He knew it wasn't that easy to change someone's mind, to steer it off the destructive course they have set it on, yet the genuinity on that face squeezed Eunyung's heart.

  Haejoon valued his words.

  The realisation was enough to make his breathing go shallow. Suddenly aware of the fact that he still was holding Haejoon's hand, a familiar warm feeling started spreading in his chest. He made a motion to let go of the rough hand but this time Haejoon was the one who held on.

  "Thanks. For stopping me from crossing that road earlier. I surely would've died then and there if it wasn't for you,” Haejoon said, his voice tinged with a bitter self-deprecation. “Funny how I give you lectures to be attentive on the road while I was walking to my death without a thought myself." He scoffed, shaking his head.

  Eunyung wasn't impressed. He didn't like to hear the words Haejoon and death in the same sentence. It was the stuff of his nightmares. He’d no idea when and how it happened but if this man ever found a way to take himself out of this world, Eunyung was sure he'd follow suit.

  Unhealthy mindset. Freaky obsession. Unchecked affection. These were his feelings when it came to Haejoon, whether he liked it or not.

  "Well, I wouldn't let that happen anytime soon, so you can forget about the idea of dying for the time being."

  The half smile Haejoon gave him set fire to his blood. He looked so fucking handsome with that masculine jaw and veiny neck. Even the puffy eyes looked anything but ugly.

  Eunyung’s gaze dropped to the small purple bruise on Haejoon’s left cheek. No doubt from when Eunyung had captured him in a headlock and he was struggling to get out of his hold. He felt a pang of hurt in his chest at the prospect of hurting Haejoon but he couldn't help himself in that moment. Watching the suicidal airhead crossing a road where cars were flying by at deadly speed had made his heart thump in worry and blood roar in fury.

  His fingers grazed the bruise, feather light and soft. He knew he had a matching bruise on his own face where Haejoon had punched him earlier, but he couldn't care less about himself. Fuck. He really didn't like when Haejoon got hurt.

  He traced the cut gently and savored the warmth of the soft skin beneath his fingertips. Warm and flushed–a simple sign that he was alive. Haejoon was alive. He was alright. Eunyung sighed in utter relief. His voice came out hoarse when he realised how close he was today to lose this motherfucker.

  "Or how about you forget it forever, hmm?"

  He knew he was standing too close. So close that if he took one more step, their chests would touch and breaths would mingle. Did Eunyung want it to happen? Hell, yes. There was something undeniably electric about touching Haejoon when they weren't fighting. It set his nerve endings on fire. Made him breathless just from thinking how the wall of muscle that was Haejoon's chest would feel pressing against his.

  He wasn't a pervert. He wasn’t . He was a sore loser who still hadn't learned to stop wanting things he didn't deserve. And he didn't deserve Haejoon Goh. Not in the ways he dreamed and fantasized about. But dreams were free and fantasies were potential universes where your dreams could be realities. Or something Haejoon had expined while tutoring Eunyung for his English exam.

  Haejoon was still but he didn't seem uncomfortable. If he was, he would've pushed Eunyung a long time ago. The act of not pulling away felt like a green light. A sacred permission that when they were alone, Eunyung could take liberties.

  Something heavy thumped in his chest.

  Oh.

  It was his heart.

  "I don't know what to live for anymore. It all feels so bleak and hopeless."

  Haejoon’s eyes, heavy with sadness, locked onto him, probing him for an answer. For a reason to keep going, keep fighting.

  With a tightened chest, Eunyung realised that whatever few reasons Haejoon had to continue his fight, they were still more than whatever Eunyung had himself. But he couldn’t back down now. The longer Haejoon’s probing gaze stayed fixed on him, the more Eunyung's heart squeezed. He raked his mind to come up with something, anything, no matter how weak or small, and give Haejoon what he couldn’t give himself.

  A reason.

  The words tumbled out before he could stop them. "How about Suneung exam?" It wasn’t perfect, he knew. But, if the reason tied Haejoon to this life and Eunyung a little longer, then it was reason enough.

  His eyes snapped to where Haejoon suddenly grabbed the side of his shirt and shuffled closer as the cold wind sliced through the air. The way he clung to him—so vulnerable, so raw—made Eunyung’s pulse skip. It was stupid, but it made his heart flutter.

  "It's gonna be over in two months. What then?" Haejoon asked in a small voice. He could have ft out refused or worse ughed at Eunyung. So, the fact that it was a shift from the path of giving up, made Eunyung release an overwhelming sigh of relief internally.

  "How about you wait for Hara sunbae's national Judo competition?" He offered. His fingers moved from checking up on the bruise to caressing the soft cheek. His touch light but deliberate. He knew he should stop, keep his hands in check. Though he didn't want to spook the man coming out of his aggression fuelled state. He didn't want to pop the fragile bubble they had found themselves in.

  Haejoon closed his eyes briefly, as if weighing the option in all sincerity. Eunyung could have sworn he leaned his face into Eunyung’s touch before he opened his eyes but it might be a wishful thinking of some next level on his pathetic part.

  "Maybe," he mumbled, his grip tightening on Eunyung's t-shirt. It was like he was hanging on for his dear life. Desperate to find anything to cling onto. "What would I do after those sixth months?"

  Eunyung held his breath before releasing it in a shaky exhale. "How about you hold off until . . . until I graduate school?"

  The hitch of breath from Haejoon confirmed what he thought about his own suggestion. Bold, daring, and quite frankly, egoistic. Surely, he should take it back. There was a distinct burn in his chest at the reaction and he was about to ugh it off when despite everything, the barest of smirks pulled the corners of Haejoon's mouth.

  "Would you be able to? With your test scores this term, I think I’d have to postpone the idea for who knows how long."

  This fucker.

  "Hey! I'll have you know I got a 52 on Maths this time!" Eunyung shot back. When Haejoon only snickered at his reply, Eunyung couldn't help but be more comical. Anything to keep the atmosphere light. "That's a thousand percent more than what I got st year, you know?"

  The deep chuckle from Haejoon warmed his very toes. When did everything this man did become so attractive to him? He didn't even know when his thumb started tracing the long vein on Haejoon's neck. Weird. His hands seemed to have their own little minds today.

  "It was only because I taught you," he said with a small triumphant smile. Cocky bastard. Yet it still was much better than the sad, defeated look he’d been throwing him a while ago. The fingers clenched around his shirt somehow had wound their way to the small of his back. Eunyung was pretty sure Haejoon wasn't even aware of it. But if it was about liberties, Eunyung surely didn't mind giving all of them to Haejoon.

  "What would you do when I'm not here?"

  Wasn't that the same thing Eunyung asked himself a lot these days? "I don't know," he replied honestly.

  "Okay. You can come to me for help with your studies until you get out of high school. I'll put a hold on the idea of giving up until then. After that . . . I don't know."

  The sadness lingering in their lives was like ghosts riding on their backs. They vanished for a little while but they always came back. Haejoon's eyes carried the same defeat Eunyung had been feeling since forever in his bones. This defeat was the ghost that has been riding them since their childhood.

  Still defeat was not something that suited Haejoon. Eunyung liked to see him smile. It made him look even more handsome, more breathtaking, more alive . It was a selfish desire, wanting to see the smile back on the other's face. So, without thinking, he pinched Haejoon’s earlobe and gave it a gentle tug, earning a sudden yelp from the raven.

  "Then, stay until you see Juwan sunbae get married? Even imagining the sight brought a smile to his face. “It'd be pretty entertaining. He'd surely cry if you weren't there on his special day."

  Haejoon stared at him for a long beat before inching even closer. This close, his body heat tangled with Eunyung's thoughts, making it hard for him to think straight. But it was nothing compared to the shock he felt when Haejoon slumped his head on his shoulder. Even with his heart doing overtime and palms sweating profusely, Eunyung stayed still like a statue. Pretended he was unbothered by their closeness. He didn't move lest it made Haejoon draw away from his arms.

  "Yes," Haejoon mumbled as a sigh, his breath ghosting over the blond's shoulder. "I can see him crying at his wedding. You're right, it would be fun to watch."

  Tongue heavy like wet cotton in his mouth, Eunyung could only stutter a broken "yeah" in response. His hand was still in a soft grasp of Haejoon's hold, while the other had somehow found its way into the dark hair. The strands were as silky and soft as he had always thought. He scratched the short hairs on the other's nape and got shivers down his own spine. Weird how that worked.

  "He said he'd marry right after college, so about five years from today."

  What then?

  The unspoken question hung in the air between them, drifting like dried leaves caught in an autumn breeze, not knowing where the wind was taking them. The simir listlessness in that voice felt like someone was twisting a knife in his stomach.

  It hurt, seeing Haejoon this way. Ever since they’d met, Eunyung had seen him trying to live his life as quietly as possible, grieving his mother like a month-old babe. Still raw in grief. Still lost. And somehow, his bitch ass father decided it was the perfect moment to make a cameo in a struggling teen's life and turn it upside down. Eunyung hated him. Probably to the extent he hated his own. If it were up to him, he’d crush that man’s balls and–

  His thoughts turned to mush when Haejoon turned his face to the side. His warm breath fanned the skin on Eunyung's neck. "I know it's getting repetitive but what reason would there be to carry on then?"

  Eunyung let out a litany of curses in his mind when with every word, Haejoon's lips touched his skin. Fuck. This was getting borderline dangerous. They were practically hugging now. The mere realisation shortened his breaths and frayed his nerves.

  Haejoon's lips. His neck. Fucking hell. That was what his dreams were made of.

  It was addictive.

  It was shameful.

  What would Haejoon think of him if he knew what kind of thoughts were racing through his mind? He would hate him. No. He’d probably kill the blond and Eunyung would deserve it. Haejoon’s life had taken a turn for the worse today and the only reason he resorted to this closeness was to have a friend to support him. He needed a friend , not an insensitive shitty teenager driven by horny hormones. One wrong step and that would completely destroy the trust that had built up between them until now. He couldn't afford to do that.

  He would never–

  A cold nose nudged the dip of his neck and Eunyung froze.

  Fuck.

  What the hell was happening? Haejoon seemed like he was drunk except he wasn't. Eunyung has followed him all the way from school and didn't see him getting pstered anywhere on the way. So, what was it? A sign or simple momentary affection?

  A voice in him told Eunyung to tread carefully. He had heard somewhere that constant ck of affection from loved ones tends to make people desperate enough to accept it from even strangers. Maybe the reason Haejoon seemed to be melting in Eunyung's embrace was because he felt emotionally vulnerable and needed some physical assurance.

  It didn't mean anything.

  Like a helpless bird thudding against the iron bars of its cage, Eunyung's heart thudded against his ribs. He found his voice albeit with a lot of difficulty. "Then you need to see Minju and Mari sunbae getting together." A chuckle slipped past his lips when he felt Haejoon’s lips smiling against his skin. "The way they're dancing around each other, I think it'll take another decade until they start dating." He took a whiff of the raven's head and felt his cheeks burning at the realisation of what he was doing. "Might be fun to watch."

  He closed his eyes when an affirmative answer came in the form of Haejoon hugging him properly this time. Their chests were flushed together and Eunyung wondered whether all the guys felt like their heart was going to leap out of their ribcage when they hugged their friends like this. The answer was a definite no. Because he himself had never felt like this upon hugging his friends. The key difference here was only Haejoon.

  "Yeah. Might be."

  He didn't know he had been holding his breath until Haejoon replied. The soft exhale he let out somehow brought their chests even closer than it was possible, considering they were already wrapped up in an embrace. He couldn’t help but notice that Haejoon really was built like a truck. All muscles and hardness beneath the ugly bck t-shirt. Eunyung might have been dreaming to map the hardness with his own hands in his wet dreams but that wasn't something anybody needed to fucking know.

  He wanted to have him closer.

  Even closer.

  Stop it! Don't be fucking weird.

  His body betrayed his own reprimand as he extracted his hand from Haejoon's hold only to put it around his waist and pull him in.

  Yes .

  Now, this? This was perfect. Haejoon's compliance surprised him, making his heart beat so loud he could hear it in his own ears. Or maybe it was Haejoon's considering the absence of any distance between them. Haejoon had him completely bnketed in his arms and body heat.

  Was this another dream of his?

  But he'd never been able to feel the silkiness of the dark hair in his dreams before. Never felt the comforting weight of the hard bones and scorching warmth of the other in his fantasies. It was so different from the times when he had hugged his girlfriends on rare occasions. He was a gentleman. At least he tried to be. Didn't want to come off as a creep who'd never let an opportunity go to waste to feel the girl up. He might have been a two-timer, a cheater, and a disgusting piece of disloyal trash but what he wasn't was a goddamned immorally debauched perv.

  He wondered where did all this talk of gentlemanliness had fucked off to now. As he stood here practically trying to mold Haejoon to his own chest, the only thought reverberating in his mind was how he could bring them even closer. He didn't want to let go. Maybe he really was a creep. Or maybe it was because it felt nice. Seeing the person, who puts up a fake front to fool the world he was okay, crumbling in his arms. Taking whatever comfort Eunyung had left in him to give.

  It really feels nice.

  "What about you? Do I need to postpone the idea until your marriage too?" The question was like a sp to his face, instantly bringing him out of his self-indulging thoughts. Like a shrill school bell that reminded students to return to their original lives at the end of the day, Haejoon’s voice was a reminder of his miserable life where this was only special to Eunyung. Haejoon felt nothing in his bones when they were so close even their hearts were beating in sync.

  There was a bitter taste of what felt like rejection in his mouth. It was hard to swallow down his emotions but there was nothing he could do about it. Couldn't bring him closer. Couldn't let go. Whatever he was supposed to do with these raging feelings he had for this unaware motherfucker?

  'Compromise ,' his mind said. ' Take what he gives. No conditions. No questions asked. If it is only friendship he's willing to give, you take that and never let him go. He is special. '

  Eunyung knew he was. So special he'd Eunyung debating if he wanted to consume Haejoon or be consumed by him. On one hand he wanted to pull this fucker's head back and put his lips on the plump mouth that has been appearing in his dreams more frequently than he’d like to admit but at the same time he wanted to sink to his knees with Haejoon still in his arms and cocoon him from the harsh realities of this world until the end of time.

  He couldn’t decide and it made him mad. But then he remembered the question and realised that Haejoon had already decided his fate for him.

  You don't want me and I don't think I can want anyone else.

  The acidic feeling burned his chest. So much so that it leaked in his tone when he answered with a scoff. "Who would want to marry a delinquent bitch like me, Haejoon? You really say whatever."

  He'd wanted it to come off as something unserious but even he could trace a hint of self-depreciation in it. And maybe Haejoon did too because this was the first time he lifted his head and looked at Eunyung. The blond wanted to avoid those eyes for as long as possible. Yet couldn't do so when the steady gaze burned a hole in the side of his face. His eyes must have said too much when he finally returned the look judging by the way Haejoon's widened for a moment.

  He mourned the loss of body heat when Haejoon pulled away slightly to look at him. Serious eyes mapping Eunyung's face. Shit. Why did the other have to be so fucking nice all the time? Always taking on a role of a dependable and responsible guy! The only reprieve he got was the fact their arms were still looped around each other. Small mercies. Smallest victories.

  "You're not a fucking delinquent bitch as you put it."

  Haejoon looked angry with his forehead crunching and eyebrows bunching. Such a weird thing how time worked. Two years back Haejoon would have agreed with him. Hell, he might even have been the one throwing around insults and calling Eunyung a delinquent fucker. And now, here they were, and the same guy didn't seem to like the way Eunyung talked about himself. There was a kernel of happiness blooming inside him watching Haejoon's worried eyes. The thought that Haejoon wasn't angry with him but for him warmed his heart.

  But the warmth wasn’t enough to wash away the cold bitterness he felt deep in his bones. When Eunyung only stared ahead in response, his gaze was brought back to the bck eyes with a palm to his cheek. The touch burned like a brand, searing into him. The palm was rough yet soft, cold but warm. It was with utmost difficulty that he stopped himself from leaning into the touch.

  "You are not a delinquent, Eunyung," Haejoon repeated with a vehement tone, his voice leaving no room for arguments. Before he could argue how wrong the other was, Haejoon shook his head. "No, listen to me, you aren't . You're hard working and passionate about the things you give value to. So, what if you don't get good grades? Not everyone is good at studying. Not everyone fucking needs to be. Different people are good at different things. You're good at things I could never be good at. Like at all."

  This was fucking absurd. Haejoon Goh was good at everything. Sports? Fantastic. Studying? He fucking aced it every time. Friendships? Genuine and effortlessly caring. Fighting bullies? He could handle them like a good old-fashioned batman. Fuck, he was even good at doing chores! And probably at so many other things Eunyung hadn't had a chance to see yet.

  "Yeah? Care to share what you're not good at?"

  "Acting," he said, cradling Eunyung's jaw while rubbing his thumb on it. The touch made him feel like he was the one in need of care and not the other way around. And that only strengthened his point that Haejoon was so fucking good at taking care of people. Haejoon’s voice told him to focus on whatever he was saying though his tracing thumb urged Eunyung to throw caution in the wind and kiss that fpping mouth.

  "Look at me.”

  Eunyung dragged his eyes up from the mouth.

  “If someone told me to act on a stage, I'd either probably piss myself or make a complete fool of myself. But you–“ he smiled softly, “–you are amazing at it. I've seen you in pys. Remember?"

  Eunyung nodded, his throat tightening.

  How could he forget? Watching Haejoon and his other friends cpping for him from the audience stand was a core memory he'd never be able to forget. He'd realised something that day. Trauma could be healed if you surround yourself with the right people. The enjoyment and happiness he'd seen on his friends' faces watching him act had enough power to repce the bitter memories of his mother's furious face from all those years ago.

  And the man who pyed the most important role was this tall gss of water. Everything Haejoon said Eunyung was good at managed to slide right into his veins and warmed him from within.

  "And you're good at cooking." Another swipe of his thumb on the cheek. "And modelling, yes?" Another affirmative nod from Eunyung. "Sports. Honestly, you could probably make a career out of any of those if had the right direction."

  Eunyung’s heart twisted. The words should’ve made him feel something good, but instead, they just made him feel worse. As good as it was to listen to Haejoon list his talents, he couldn't help but feel a sense of shame creeping up on him. Eunyung had been trying to change. Still would it ever be enough to erase the things he'd done in the past? The time he'd wasted rebelling against his parents, the people he'd hurt in the process, the crimes he'd committed to look edgy and cool to his friends , the things he had stolen from people without a care in the world.

  He was still Eunyung when he did all of that. It was a part of him and it'd always be. It didn't matter how much one changed; some parts of their life remain non-erasable. If a sinner became a priest, would the sins they committed before becoming one vanish into thin air?

  "Also–"

  Eunyung shook his head, gliding his fingers in the raven hair. They really were silky. "Well, my daddy says I am. A character less lying delinquent bitch who is bound to be a drunkard just like him and spend his life behind the bars savoring the memories of all the girls he has gone all the way with. Sweet, isn't he, my dad?"

  Haejoon's face paled, his lips parted in shock. Eunyung just couldn't figure out after hearing which part though. But then his eyes fshed with unadulterated rage. The tick of muscle as he clenched his jaw tickled Eunyung's heartstrings. It was his first time seeing someone getting this mad for him.

  They only stared at each other, a heavy silence draping over them. Finally, the dam broke with colorful expletives from Haejoon. "Fuck. I hate him. Sorry, but I fucking hate your father, Eunyung." The venom in his voice attested to the truth of his feelings. He wasn't saying this just for the sake of saying it. He meant it. Fuck, how much more did he want Eunyung to fall for him?

  "You don't believe a word he says, you hear me? He is a piece of shit. How can he-? After all that he'd done to you, whatever he put your family through, how does he turn around and say shit like this?"

  Anger rolled off of him in silent waves with a heaving chest. Yet all Eunyung could see was the fierce protectiveness in the other’s tone that was slowly melting the sharp icicles he had built around his cold heart.

  Haejoon’s eyes looked uncharacteristically dark, a dangerous emotion lurking behind them. He was looking at Eunyung, probably waiting for some kind of reaction. But not even a miracle could make his gaze turn away from the steady thrum of the pulse in Haejoon's neck. It was rhythmic. Almost hypnotic. His thumb pressed on it and he found himself completely entranced by its thumping beat.

  Would it be weird to ask him if I could kiss it? He thought, before shaking the idea off. Watching the tightly leashed fury in the other's body, Eunyung decided it probably would.

  The iron was hot and Eunyung decided to strike on it. "Maybe I'll be like him when I become an adult,” Eunyung shrugged. A picture of nonchance. A person who has given themselves to the fate of following their parents’ footsteps. “After all he is my father and I do look like him.”

  And Haejoon, sweet and gullible Haejoon, took the bait. Just like Eunyung thought he would. His face twisted, brows furrowing like the words themselves were half parts terrifying and hundred parts foolish.

  The next thing Eunyung knew, he felt Haejoon’s hands frame his face, holding him in pce with an almost desperate force. The gesture wasn't done to make him hurt and that's why Eunyung didn't flinch at the sudden touch. These hands had hurt him before. But that hurt was nothing compared to what his own hands had inflicted on the other. He wondered how he could ever hurt this man. But then strays were often seen biting people who fed and cared for them. And wasn't that exactly what he was—one of the strays?

  "That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would you become like someone just because you look like them? Does individuality not matter? Don't choices? Listen to me, one doesn't live their life like their parent only because they share a fucking face and some genes, you asshole!"

  Haejoon's chest heaved like he'd been running a marathon though he hadn't moved away an inch from Eunyung's arms. He was worked up. For Eunyung. The thought only brought a small smile to his face.

  "What the fuck are you smiling about? Doesn't it sound idiotic to you?" Haejoon asked, his fingers squishing Eunyung’s cheeks, pulling his lips into a pout.

  "Yeah. Doesn't it?" He shot back past his pouty lips.

  He watched as the anger on Haejoon's face bled into confusion that led way to a sickening realisation. The grip on Eunyung's face sckened as Haejoon gave him a look that was definitely guilty. How eager were people to save others when they have their own feet dangling in a ditch? Haejoon was angry on his behalf for the same things he had said about himself not moments before. Was it loyalty or stupidity? Eunyung was having a hard time distinguishing between them.

  As if he'd done this so many times before, he found himself comforting Haejoon. His thumb brushed gently over the soft skin of Haejoon’s earlobe, all the while Haejoon grappled with his own internal crisis. Liberties. He was taking a hell lot of them today.

  When Haejoon came back to himself, decisiveness shining in his eyes, he sighed. "Yeah. Now that you mention it, it does sound ridiculous." When Eunyung simply nodded in agreement, he quirked his brow. "For both of us."

  The blond was only happy that he finally made Haejoon see some reason.

  "Alright,” Haejoon continued, his tone softening just a little. "I won’t say I’m like my dad just because we look alike. And–" he swallowed, “I also won't believe I ruined my mom's life just by being in it. At least I’d try not to."

  Eunyung was so eted he pressed his palm to Haejoon's back and pulled him more into himself. Haejoon came willingly. That small detail only made his insides melt in a puddle of goo. "Trying is enough for now," Eunyung said with an understanding nod.

  Seconds stretched between them as they stared at each other. And then, there was a sharp tug on his hair, followed by Haejoon’s demanding voice. "Your turn. Say it back."

  Eunyung blinked, thoroughly confused. His face must have reyed the message because Haejoon looked at him like he was talking to an idiot. And that hurt Eunyung’s feelings. He yanked Haejoon’s bck hair in pyful retaliation.

  "Hey, you fucking dickhead, that hurts! Also, what even am I supposed to-"

  "Damn it, don't pull my hair! It hurts me too!” Haejoon shouted back. “And say it! Say you don't and won't ever believe your dad’s words. That you won't become like him. And you're not a delinquent bitch. Say it!"

  The outburst silenced him. Or maybe it was the reason for it that cmped his mouth shut. Fuck him running. Haejoon had just pulled an uno-reverse on him and Eunyung wondered when was the st time someone cared for him this much and he wanted to kiss them for it?!

  The determined look in Haejoon's eyes told him he couldn't lie to make his way out of this one. Though a voice whispered that maybe he shouldn't. It'd be a nice change to mean what he said. He smoothened Haejoon's hair back in its pce yet didn't let go.

  "I am not a delinquent bitch and I won't ever believe my dad's words that I’ll become like him.” His voice wavered on the st part, the fear creeping in. Changes were scary. What if he could not hold onto his promise to Haejoon? "At least I'd try not to," he added hastly, nervous all of a sudden.

  "Yeah?" Haejoon smiled. It looked genuine. "Well, trying is enough for now," he repeated what Eunyung had said and it made the blond chuckle like the loser he was.

  Haejoon let out a soft ugh himself but his expression soured instantly. The glide of fingers on his cheekbone, right beneath his eye, startled him yet Eunyung maintained his gaze fixed on the glum expression. "Sorry, I hit you earlier." Oh, he was talking about the bruise on his cheek. So, that's where it was. "You came at me so suddenly I just . . . It's weird how I was going to end my life but when I found myself in that headlock, I literally fought you to stay alive."

  Eunyung could rete. He had been there.

  Wishing to die was easy but it really took balls of steel to give up on life. Dying wasn’t easy. He himself had tried to end his sufferings. Sometimes with the half-enacted acts of jumping off a building or walking to a car racing towards himself on a busy road at full speed. Sometimes he wished he would die in his sleep not to ever wake up again. While other times he looked at an ambunce going by and wished it was him who was lying in it, seconds away from leaving this hellhole. Yet every time he chickened out. His life was miserable. But the thread that was tying him to it hasn't been weakened yet. It held strong, making him hold onto this life in return.

  So, he understood how it felt to wish for death and strive to live at the same time. It was nightmarish. "Don't be weird. It was in self-defense."

  As it always is with you.

  "Yeah, yeah,” Haejoon agreed quickly. “I'll apply some medicine on it when we go back," he said, flopping his head back on Eunyung's neck. The action was so casual, so trusting, it almost made Eunyung’s heart stop. As if being six feet of depressed muscled beauty wasn’t enough to make him explode, Haejoon was behaving kind and cute to top all of it.

  The suffocating wretchedness of their life wasn't gone forever. But in that moment, it seemed manageable. Like they were in it together. After a comfortable silence, Haejoon’s voice broke through, soft but firm. "And don't worry, you'll find someone who will want to spend their life with you. Just like Juwan."

  Oh. Eunyung blinked, taken aback. He had no idea why Haejoon decided to bring up that topic again but he sounded sincere. As if he believed that Eunyung was worthy of someone’s love. As if the mere idea of Eunyung not finding anyone to marry in his lifetime was entirely bonkers to him.

  Although he appreciated the sentiment, whatever Eunyung had said before wasn't entirely driven by self-pity. There was some truth in his words. No sane woman would like Eunyung beyond his looks to tie the knot with him. Once they saw how twisted he really was beneath the charming image he had built for himself with his good looks and flirtatious nature, they would run. Even he wasn't that good of an actor to portray a false character all his life just to avoid loneliness. That’d be exhausting and, in all honesty, a soft cruelty towards the other person.

  But that wasn’t the most terrifying thing for him.

  It was the fact that even though he liked women just fine, he liked this person better.

  In the brief time they’d spent together, Haejoon had understood him much more he understood himself. Maybe because they had the same ghosts wrapped around their backs and shared the same darkness engulfing their souls from within. Maybe that’s why the thought of being stuck on this rooftop with Haejoon forever—no expectations, no pretending, just the two of them—felt like the perfect kind of madness. There would be no judgments, no surprises, and no need for pretences.

  Haejoon was kind to him in his own ways, and Eunyung couldn't imagine anything that would make Haejoon walk away for good.

  Except for the truth.

  The fact that Eunyung wanted him. Liked him. In the same way a man liked a woman, with more than just the need of friendship. In the way his first thought each day was where Haejoon was, and the st thought before sleep took him under was wishing Haejoon was there with him. In the way he despised everyone, sometimes even himself, who had hurt the other, while feeling gratitude for the ones who brought a smile to his face. In the way, when, at the most random times, an intense feeling to touch him surged up in his chest, making it hard to breathe. In the way he fantasized about Haejoon, with his dark eyes and furrowed brows, touching him in return, making his toes curl te at night in bed. In the way he wanted to be there whenever Haejoon felt even a wisp of sadness or a whiff of happiness.

  He wanted to be there for Haejoon Goh.

  That was all there was to it and somewhere, along the way, he had come to accept it.

  Still the recklessness residing in his veins chose that moment to uncoil itself and rear its head. “What if I said I’ve already found the person I want to spend my life with?”

  His words fluttered between them, fragile and searching, like a lost butterfly. He felt his heart come up to his throat when the silence stretched for so long it started to feel suffocating. The thundering staccato rhythm of Haejoon's heart culminated to a crescendo before the feel of it against his chest was gone abruptly. Haejoon had pulled away, standing a bit farther back.

  Away from him .

  Eunyung felt fucking bereft .

  The body heat was gone and so was the moment when everything had felt right. His arms were still outstretched, like he was waiting for Haejoon to come back. Though when he didn't, he dropped his hands slowly to his sides, slipped them in the pockets of his pants, and clenched them into fists. Hard . He didn't trust himself not to reach out again. If he did, under some weird emotional stupor, then that would come too close to begging and Eunyung never begged.

  Never.

  Not when his girlfriends walked away. Not when his friends outgrew their rebellious phase, and casted him aside as they moved on in their lives. Not even when his own parents treated him like an afterthought. Of course, there were moments, when he had begged his father to stop beating him to death or his mother to stop pretending she cared. But that was different. He’d never begged them for love. For their affections. If they didn’t give it to him freely, he wasn’t going to make himself small to earn it.

  Begging wasn’t love.

  Begging was giving people the whip they would undoubtedly sh you with once they knew what it was you truly wanted. They would keep that thing to themselves until you were to infte their ego. And whatever pride Eunyung had left, it didn't allow him to lower himself to the point where he’d beg people for their love. It’d break him.

  As his mother always said, “Remember, there's only one thing society despises more than the broke and that's the broken.”

  So, when Haejoon moved away, Eunyung didn't go after him. He stayed there, rooted in his pce, watching as the other rubbed his face with a hand, head bent low. He looked devastated. Lost, somehow. Eunyung’s mind churned. Maybe he’s tired , he thought. It’s been a long, hard day for him . But the thought didn’t settle, and didn't ease the sudden tightness in his chest.

  Dark, tired eyes, rimmed with even darker circles, shifted to meet Eunyung’s, and their gazes stuck. No words were exchanged, yet there was something pulsing in the space between them. Eunyung tried to understand the look in Haejoon's eyes but he wasn't fluent enough in reading the nguage of silence. So, he decided to only watch.

  Haejoon broke the eye contact first, raking his fingers through his dark hair–the same hair Eunyung had touched only moments ago. He looked at the muscle ticking in that angur jaw that almost gave Haejoon a brooding look. The timing was ridiculous but even that didn't deter Eunyung from thinking, with a bittersweet ugh in his mind, how foolish Haejoon was to say he looked like his father when he was far more handsome and striking than anyone he had ever seen.

  He watched transfixed as Haejoon rubbed the back of his neck, groaned, and tilted his head back to the sky like he was desperately seeking answers from the god above.

  On instinct, Eunyung’s eyes lifted up to the night sky, only to see twinkling stars–no answers and certainly no god. He must have gone home for the night, the god. Or maybe he was deaf. Or maybe there was no god at all and the sky was empty. He believed in the trueness of any of these reasons because how else could he expin why none of his prayers were answered. When his father would rain his fists on little Eunyung at night, when he’d tremble on the cold streets in winter and had no pce to sleep, when his insides thrashed in hunger after surviving on ramen noodles for days, and when all he wanted was a pce to call home–how come no god helped him?

  The home he had found at st was not because of any god but his own connections and hard work.

  A sigh left his lips. They should go home too.

  “We should–”

  “Who is–”

  When they both spoke at the same time, Haejoon offered a small invisible smile. A bare twitch of lips that didn't reach his eyes. He seemed tense and the very air around him had shifted to something heavier. It was in complete contrast to his previous rexed self and that was enough to befuddle Eunyung.

  “You said you’ve found someone. I–” Haejoon stepped forward but faltered, stopping himself. His hand ran through his hair again. “Congrats by the way. I mean, I should’ve said that first, right?” He let out a loud ugh and shook his head. “Man, is it possible that I'm going to see your wedding before I get to see Juwan’s? Not that I'm against that . . . no, I mean, it’d be great.” His throat worked and Eunyung’s eyes lingered on the bob of his Adam's apple. “This is good news though. Have you told Juwan yet? Or anyone in our group? Why didn't you tell me sooner? I didn't even know you were dating?”

  Eunyung’s pulse spiked. He had wanted to gauge Haejoon's reaction. Test the waters, maybe? But this? This verbal diarrhoea wasn't what he had expected. At all . It was the most Haejoon had ever spoken to him without them getting into a fight. Was he really happy for him?

  Something welled up inside him at the sudden thought. The feeling twisted his insides uncomfortably while making his heart thump like a wild caged beast. It was rage. This man really boiled his blood like tea on top of a stove. Couldn't he see? The affection and fondness Eunyung had for him. Or was it possible he knew and this was his way of finally telling he was relieved that Eunyung wouldn't make any advances on him?

  Eunyung’s eyes narrowed. “Heh! Are you that happy?”

  “I'm just . . . well yeah. I'm happy,” the six-foot wreck of muscle said with a toothy smile. It made him look deranged. What else did he expect? That Haejoon would suddenly get jealous and profess his love for him in return? He really was a fool. This was real life. His miserable life . Not some fictional love story Marie and Minju spent their time reading and giggling about. He knew nothing good would ever come out of this and yet he had let himself fall.

  “Don't tell anyone,” Eunyung said, voice low but firm. Contrary to popur belief, he rarely liked to be the centre of attention. “Not even Juwan or anyone from the group. Promise me.” He absolutely couldn’t risk them knowing who he was crushing on. In the hopes of pying matchmakers, they might bbber everything to Haejoon. And Eunyung wasn't ready for the rejection that would follow. Not yet.

  Haejoon studied him for a moment, before giving a nod. “Yeah. Okay, I won't. Promise. But you can tell me, right? Who is it? How long have you been dating?” Eunyung wished to find a note of jealousy in his tone but found disappointment curling in his chest when he didn't.

  “We’re not dating.”

  “But you said you've found the one?” He scratched his head in confusion and all Eunyung wanted to do was aggressively make out with him. Stupid idiot. Making him imagine all sorts of things.

  It’s one-fucking-sided. you muscle monster.

  “I have. It's complicated.”

  “Who is it? Mina?”

  Surprise swam through his veins. Haejoon still remembered the name of his ex from two years ago? “That college girl Mina? Motherfucker, you were the one who exposed my two timing and made us break up.”

  “Oh, yeah.” The guy had the gall to look completely unapologetic. “Then, is it the other college girl?” Haejoon said with a deep dip between his brows.

  Irritation cwed through his chest. There was no college girl. The one he’d found for himself was a soon-to-be-a-college guy who stood right in front of him and who Eunyung wanted to come back into his arms and hide his cold face in his pale neck. But that was obviously the answer that would make Haejoon again want to jump from the terrace. So, he gifted his teeth like a scared little fucker he was and muttered, “There is no other college girl, Haejoon.”

  “Then, who is it?”

  “None of your fucking business, alright?”

  Haejoon went silent after that. He looked anywhere but Eunyung and like a petunt child, who has been denied his favorite candy, simply stood there staring at the ground. Eunyung winced, wondering if he had been too harsh. Feelings truly was the reason why normal people went nuts. He wasn’t normal. But even he could go nuts, couldn’t he?

  “Hey. Sorry for–”

  “So, like, is it like some girl from your school group?” Haejoon asked, his voice filled with curiosity again.

  This motherfucker–

  Before Eunyung could respond, a loud rumbling sound broke the tension. In no time, Haejoon’s face flushed red as his stomach growled again. It was Thanksgiving. Haejoon was to have dinner with his uncle but never got to because of the bombshell that created havoc in his life. Eunyung was sure he hadn’t eaten anything since the moment he realized what kind of monster his daddy was to his mother. Between bouts of self–hate, bunch of murderous thoughts, and a suicide attempt, food might not have even crossed his mind.

  Haejoon must be starving.

  "Um—" Haejoon rubbed the back of his neck, looking sheepish. "Do you think you could buy me something to eat? I don’t have money on me right now. I’m really hungry."

  Eunyung’s heart softened at the vulnerability in the other’s tone. And what do you do when the one you like and care about asked you for food? You trudge towards them with your heart in your throat, slip their hand in yours while looking straight in their widened eyes, and take them wherever they wanted to go to have their fill.

  And that was what Eunyung did.

  “Haejoon, you idiot! Come with me.”

  And when they follow you with a simple “Okay” you feel like you are on top of the fucking world.