I’d been staring up at the dark ceiling for hours, with black concealing every part of my vision. Dogs barked outside in the distance while a few car’s headlights shined through the glass door as they passed by, illuminating the room in flooding light. The cars’ engines went on and on, making a soft rumble far down from where I laid. Every single noise outside echoed inside my ringing ears, over and over.

  I’d had insomnia bouts multiple times before, but they never got any less irritating, no matter how many times they happened. Sometimes my mind would drift off into some strange amalgamation of weird thoughts morphing into dreams, but my eyes would fly back open in a moment when I started to become dizzy or weightless, and began falling (or, it felt like it). It wasn’t like I could do something to fill the time until I passed out. My whole body was fatigued and aching, my sore legs were shaking underneath the blanket with no sign of stopping, it was all too much to accomplish a grueling task such as pulling myself up from bed. Whenever I made the incredible attempt to actually do anything at all, I could barely force my eyes open enough to pay attention, and they’d fall shut, then open once again once I was on the verge of a dream. I couldn’t fucking fall asleep, is what I’m trying to say.

  I turned over on the couch over and over, multiple crumbs rolling against my legs. To the left, then to the right, then right again to my back, staring at either a dark couch, a dark ceiling, or far off to the front door of the room. I shuddered from the cold that lingered all over the room and stuck on my skin, and yanked the blanket further over me, but it wasn't long enough to cover my whole body. My feet were freezing the most, since socks that were about as thick as a sheet of sandpaper did absolutely nothing to help. Not that the blanket mattered much anyway, since it was too thin and matted to keep me warm. I had the insufferable urge to take a drag, but my cigarettes were sitting on the drawer in my bedroom.

  The frozen metal of my phone pricked at my fingers as I grabbed it from the floor. With a click, I winced as the light flashed my eyeballs. I squinted through the intense glow and the smudges on the screen to see that I had received some messages from my friends. One asked me if I wanted to hang out this weekend, and one other was talking to me about some game. I wanted to pull out every strand of hair one by one just thinking about going to hang out. Normally I would’ve said yes to make them feel comfortable, but I couldn’t find it in me to do that right now, or later. My fingers hovered above the keyboard as I tried to brainstorm a good message, but nothing came to me. I’d been trying to hold it off as long as I could, but the lack of a text back would make them worry. But I still decided to wait for a little while to text them back. There’s always tomorrow.

  I opened a couple of the stupid brain-rotting games and tried to play through them, but I couldn’t get myself to pay any attention. There was only one thing I could think of to do anymore, which was get up and eat something. I wasn’t even hungry, my stomach was already full, but I wanted to do something other than what I’d been doing for the past 6 hours. I decided to ignore the fact that I would definitely get progressively nauseous after two bites and that my gag reflex wouldn’t let me eat much at a time without gagging and wanting to puke.

  I grazed my fingers through the knots in my hair and jerked myself upwards to go find a snack, and then go and smoke. I stood up from the couch and stumbled across the room, trying not to trip over any trash or clothes, but my balance almost broke from under me as I slipped on a food wrapper. I kicked it out of the way after tearing into my arm, ready to send a nuclear bomb down here if I tripped one more time.

  I flicked the lightswitch on and shuffled into the dirty kitchen. The counters were crammed with dirty dishes that had been waiting to be washed for days. A small round table sat in the middle of the room, holding a few more dishes and half eaten takeout food. Rust and grime decorated the walls and extended to the floor, and some food had fallen in various spots. A few of the cabinets were open, some which were either filled with more dishes, garbage or needles and old bandages. I got queasy ever looking at how much was piling up in the sink, and averted my eyes from even catching a glance at it. The bulb above me constantly flickered and left me in darkness every couple of seconds, but I had gotten used to it. I kicked a few more cans and wrappers out of the way, and opened the fridge to search for some goods.

  I scanned the pathetic selection for anything that wouldn’t wreck my stomach at 4:00 A.M. Soda, soda, beer, cheese, leftover pizza, leftover ramen… It wasn’t looking good. The chill of the fridge was starting to freeze me over, so I was about to go back to sleep. But I remembered that I had an apple somewhere, near the bottom.

  I forced open one of the squeaky plastic drawers and grabbed a red apple hiding behind some beer cans. I turned it all around in my hand, trying to see if it was even edible. My brain was too fuzzy for me to remember when I’d even bought it. I probably got a burst of motivation to eat healthy for a day and gave up once I realized that actually required effort. So for all I knew, it had been rotting in there for years. But it looked mostly okay, and there’s no way there wasn’t worse shit in my system. I was going to cut it anyway, so it would be obvious if there was something bad about it and I needed to toss it.

  I rested the apple by the sink after shoving some stuff to the side and pulled out a dull knife from the drawer. I had to cut it into small chunks so I could chew it better. I couldn’t bite into anything big without my mouth feeling like hell. I wouldn’t have even been surprised if I lost a tooth trying to take a bite from anything at this point.

  I had to drive the knife in pretty hard and strain my arm to get it to even chop it into cubes. But after slogging through the whole process, I was able to come out with a few good chunks. The apple appeared to be fine quality as the insides became visible, only a couple brown spots showing themselves that I could just remove. But even though it was going fine, I pushed too hard in the wrong direction and had my hand in the wrong spot, so before I could react, the knife slashed down right into my skin. Everything in front of me blurred out, obscuring the wound for a good few seconds. As my vision started to focus back again after blinking rapidly, it turned out I’d severed a giant gash straight between my fingers that were now trembling and numb. I couldn’t get myself to move away, my shallow breathing becoming obvious as my arm laid dead.

  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

  The feeling of thousands of small, sharp pins being jammed inside of my searing wound with every movement of my fingers struck me immediately. The knife dropped with a clatter as my good hand flew underneath the other to make a lame attempt at catching the gushing blood. But everything was getting drenched and stained in bright red as the liquid began to spill over my fingers. I wasn’t sure if I’d have to go to the hospital for this, but I really, really didn’t want to. Fuzziness prickled at my eyes as I spun around a couple times with no purpose. All I knew was to try and stop the blood from coming out, but my idiot brain was working at a snail's pace.

  I finally gathered enough common sense to grab some paper towels and toss them down, red soaking across the paper as it absorbed the blood. They quickly became soggy, so there needed to be more, but that was the last thing I had to worry about. I didn’t have any wrap bandages right next to me, so I had to use a towel I’d tossed on the floor some time ago.

  The room in front of me twisted and turned as I bumbled around trying to find the couch. Once I found it and splayed back out, I held back a groan, watching the ceiling sway back and forth. All I hoped was that it would stop bleeding eventually, or that I would at least be able to stand without falling over. This was just a ten times worse version of an obnoxious nosebleed. I tried my best to suck it up and say that it was fine, but I honestly just wanted to toss myself off the nearest bridge. I pulled the blanket back over me and laid my heavy, throbbing head down on the pillow, while trying to take in a couple deep breaths. My stomach was coiling and spiraling, spinning in circles in a nauseous cycle, trying to force me to puke. Backwash shot right up at the back of my throat, leaving a large lump sticking there and making my mouth salivate.

  This was one of those times where I felt disgusting. I was freezing, I hadn’t showered in days and was pouring with sweat, my head was heavy and dizzy, my hand was throbbing in pain, my stomach was nauseous and I was trying to hold back puke. It was like I was being suffocated by my own body, smothering me in gallons of torture.

  How do I even do these things to myself? Please, just let me sleep.

  But checking the wound hundreds of times, the bleeding began to loosen up, leaving the towel soggy and dyed red mixed with brown. I tossed the cloth beside the couch on top of more garbage. I’d probably wash it later, maybe, if I even remembered. Everything around me began to slow into a subtle rocking motion until it faded out. I could finally examine the cut, which was a deep, repulsive slit between my thumb and pointer finger that aggravated my stomach enough to start turning again. The skin folds were inflamed and every stretch of my hand made a sharp pain shoot up through my arm and clump there until it disappeared. I guess as long as I didn’t tear it open somehow, it would be fine, although that didn’t resolve any of my other pain. I could only hope it wouldn’t pull open further during sleep. I felt too ill and was shuddering too much to want to eat or loll around. After continuing to endure the final bits of pain, trying my best not to move so I wouldn’t get stabbed awake, my eyes finally started to become weary, and I soon fell asleep.

  Once I woke up to the gentle wind humming against the window, I could only describe the feeling I had as a creeping sense of peace wandering through me. It didn’t fall away or escape in fear. The weight that usually loitered in my chest was replaced with a strange warmth radiating all the way to my toes, and the usual chill of the room was blocked from freezing me through my clothes and blanket. The pillow and couch was the most inviting it’s ever been as I rested my feathery body on it. All my pain, soreness, nausea, headaches, it was like it all was extinguished overnight. I didn’t even have the urge to get up and take a drag or even take a shot of heroin.

  It was so odd, that it actually freaked me out. What could possibly have happened that I was feeling so…. placid? None of this was right. All I could think was that I was in the realm of dreaming at the moment. The pain was bound to come rushing back, for sure. It had to come back soon. All this was just creeping me out too much to enjoy it for any longer.

  But as I arose all the way from the pillow, the bizarre comfort didn’t leave and I was only somewhat groggy. My eyes dragged to each corner of the room for some explanation, but it turned out the answer was laying in my arms, snuggled against me- a pure white teddy bear, wearing a dress and a bow. I brushed along the soft fur, which was relaxing to even just touch, and so addicting to strum against. The whole bear was firm in design but still squishy and friendly. I got so distracted by the immaculate quality of it that it made me forget about my surroundings and drop it from my mind, at least for a little while.

  “What..?” I said, my voice hoarse. The question dropped from me faster than my sanity during a bad trip. Maybe I was on a trip right now.

  Not that this was the weirdest thing that could happen to me, obviously. But I don’t own any stuffed animals, so it’s not like I could’ve picked one up without realizing. Although it wouldn’t be surprising if I’d somehow tossed one in here and forgot about it. And even if, theoretically, I ever owned one, it would go on my shelf. I wouldn’t hold it while I was sleeping, at least not on purpose. And obviously, it wasn’t that part that was the weirdest, it was… how relieving it was to hold it.

  It was extremely strange and somewhat embarrassing, but I had to admit- The tighter I held it to my chest, letting it hug me back and protect me, the farther away the crippling discomfort of every day was. It seemed like nothing more than a far, distant memory, falling away into the scary but faraway past. It was like a dream, like I wasn’t sitting in filth but instead I was resting in a dreamy, removed part of the earth, snug and relaxed. The thoughts of embarrassment were almost swept away alongside the rest of my inhibitions, but they trickled back into my head to tear me away. My hands were shaking as I held it far from me, trying to break through the confusing yet blissful fog. I couldn’t tell what this weird-ass stuffed animal was doing to me, or whether to be concerned or not. I was leaning towards ‘concerned’, frankly.

  I lugged myself up from the couch and slumped into the creaky kitchen chair to observe the bear. The stuffed animal itself had entirely white fur. It wore a traditional white dress that flowed all the way down over the bear’s legs. The sleeves were puffy and it had a frilly neckline with lots of intricate lace. Underneath the dress were piles of frills. To top it off was a two bows clipped on both ears and a big bow with a falling veil behind its head, all of which were white.

  It was strangely dressed, more like some vintage fashion doll rather than a teddy bear. Not that I knew much about teddy bear fashion, maybe this was what was on the market nowadays. It’s not like I would know. The weirdest detail was that the light brown eyes had a golden luster to them, and it was smiling up at me with an amiable, cheerful aura that asked me lovingly to hug it once more, but I had no way to tell if it was me making shit up.

  I sighed, twisting the bear’s fake fur between my fingers. I wasn’t sure what to do with any of this information. Should I just give it up? I didn’t know if this thing was cursed or something. I could just chuck it off my balcony and call it a day. But I’m a bit worried that if I did that, it would come after me. It obviously has some sort of magic ability or something. I could toss it in my closet and forget about it. Technically it could still come after me if I did that too. Was I actually worried about that happening? Maybe.

  I propped it up and stared at its cuddly face. I could feel any dread dissipating as I looked at it, like it was trying to invite me to give in. But I tried to shake it off and laid the bear back away from me, turning it so the eyes weren’t facing me. This thing was probably cursed and it only started as something that appeared nice. There’s no way there wasn’t some sort of catch.

  I tossed it into the small closet, watching it helplessly hit the wall and thunk onto the floor face down. I thought about going to prop it back up, but I didn’t want to mess with it any longer, so I shut the door. I’d ignore it and see what happens. Maybe I’d wake up and realize this was all just a weird dream or trip.

  But the first things to return were the usual throbbing headache and my stomach sloshing back and forth with intermittent cramps. I was so used to these sensations before, but after the previous couple of moments, they were awful by comparison. I didn’t realize how good it was. I’d have been lying if I said I didn’t have the urge to grab it again, but I wasn’t going to. The pain would lessen.

  Fuck. That’s why I didn’t want that shit. Now I’m going to have to get used to this again.

  My eyes widened as I remembered that work was something that actually existed. I shuffled over to the couch and picked up my phone, which was almost dead, to see that it was 10:00 in the morning. I apparently slept so well last night that I didn’t even wake up for work on time. Normally I only got 4 hours of sleep at night, if I was lucky, and pretty much always woke up at the right time because of that. But now I had straight up missed it. I let out a scalding groan as a twinge of anger hit me and bit my lip to try and stop myself from bashing my head in. If this bear was trying to get me to commit some sort of painful, violent act towards it, then it was working. Maybe the real curse was driving people to homicide. And now I had to go work at my shitty job, which I could possibly now get fired from. I couldn’t even try to lie about being sick like a lazy teenager, because obviously they would just fire me, if they weren’t planning on it already. I wouldn’t have been surprised if this was the last strike.

  I hurried my way through a quick shower, which was the only thing I could shove into my late morning, and drove my way to work through the busy streets. I had already lost multiple jobs before this, so it wouldn’t be too much of an upsetting surprise, but trying to find another would be difficult. I already had another one going on alongside this one.

  But as I stepped into the deafening restaurant and started sweeping after clocking in, the manager didn’t ask me anything about my being late. Maybe it was because my cleaning job wasn’t that big of a loss or something, but it was strange how he didn’t comment on it at all. He was definitely the type of guy to freak out over nothing, so I wasn’t sure what the sudden flippancy was about. I started to have increasing unsettling feelings as I swept in the musty backroom next to boxes and shelves, unsure if all this was better or worse than normal. Definitely worse, actually. I didn’t want to figure out I was losing it or something.

  But I couldn’t get myself to care about any of this any longer, and let myself move on autopilot for the rest of the day. It was too tiring to think this much for one day. Or even for a week, I’d shoot for a month, even. The weird bear was in my closet and the guy ignored me, who cares. That was a benefit for me, really. The urge to take another drag got to me with a shudder as I was wiping down some tables at break time, so I stepped outside for a quick smoking break.

  I got back home a few hours later and flopped down on my couch. But as I slumped my head back on the sofa arm, I went into a harsh coughing fit for two long minutes, struggling to suck in any breath, while hunched over to cover my mouth. Every swallow afterward was awful as the spit slid down my scraped throat, and my stomach was still trying to get me to hurl. It was so consistent, it was impressive, really. After hacking a couple more times for good measure, and choking up more spit, all that was left was a headache. I tried to remember what drugs were left in my room. It was only weed, molly and some heroin, although I couldn’t remember where exactly that last one was.

  Before I did anything, I wanted to grab a couple more blankets and make sure the doors were locked tight. But I opened the door to see the forgotten bear laying sprawled out face-down with its dress crinkled, next to a pile of dirty clothes. I had kind of chucked it in there with no regard for how fragile it might’ve been. It was kind of sad. I’m not sure why it upset me so much, and it was entirely irrational to feel. But I couldn’t shake it off.

  I picked it up to, at the very least, rearrange it into the proper position. Even propping it up and touching the soft fur made my hands tingle with warmth. I stopped in place, my knees scratching against the rough floor. Just for a second, I thought that maybe I should just use it. I obviously wasn’t planning on it, but there was no better option, was there? It was kind of pathetic to give up so easily. But the fuzz touching my cold fingers and its happy, lovable face made me reconsider. It was hard to resist the thoughts flowing in and out of my head telling me to do it. It really wanted to lure me in and shank me, huh? But I made the brazen decision to try it for a little while. Only a little. I didn’t want to sit and dwindle on this any longer. Hopefully this one came without an insanely depressive crash afterwards. It wasn’t any riskier than usual, probably.

  I sat it down on the couch next to me, letting it fall over, and pulled out my phone. The energy field of magic or whatever the hell worked even when not holding it. I tried to scroll through Reddit on my phone without thinking too hard, but I couldn’t stop speculating about this weird toy. Honestly, it was such an odd feeling, to feel so… alright. It’s not like I had the urge to get up and find the cure for cancer or some shit, but I didn’t feel like I wanted to puke, so that was pretty cool. I hadn’t had a lick of good sleep in a while, but instead of wasting time on my phone… Maybe, just maybe, I could finally get a good nap in. Now that’s the dream right there. I checked for any more obnoxious messages, but there were none, and played a random movie that had been halfway finished. My eyes could barely stay open for the first five minutes after laying my head down, and I didn’t even have a blanket- the bear was like a warm blanket all by itself.

  Not a single urge dragged me up from bed to smoke, and any discomfort throughout my body was plain gone. There was no more twisting or turning, no more coughing or vomiting, just… nothing. My sleep was deeper than ever before and wasn’t infiltrated by crazy dreams scaring me awake.

  I awoke once more to a gentle silence that tried to lull me right back to sleep and slipped out my phone to see that it was now already the next day, at 8:00 in the morning. Huh. I sat up to look over the bear that was still flopped backwards beside me, staring up at me like it was innocent and completely unassuming. This was a strange toy, this thing. I plucked it up by the sides and stared at it yet again for answers, or maybe to see if his face was beaming with joy. It was. Maybe I should’ve given the guy a little more credit. Maybe. I didn’t want to make any insane praise for it yet, in case it throws me in the closet for revenge. I propped it back up and stood up to change into my uniform and new clothes. Normally I wouldn’t be motivated, but I had a little more patience today. Maybe if I was feeling even better, I’d take my dirty clothes to the laundromat. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

  I trudged through work like usual after I’d sat staring at the bear like my life depended on it. It didn’t appear that it did much to motivate me when I was away- the relief didn’t last longer than the car drive there. But I wouldn’t be caught dead trying to sneak that thing in with me. Not that my normal behavior was a large improvement to towing around a stuffed animal in my hands, but I had to draw the line somewhere. The entire time I worked, it was hard to believe I really had an antidote at home that could just make me feel like that. Make me feel okay. I always suspected the whole time that the bear would vanish and that none of this would have even happened in the end.

  As soon as I opened the door, I sat my ass right down next to it and was ready to get another round of peaceful sleep. It’s all I wanted to do at this point- as long as I could do it on repeat over and over, everything would be great. The only annoying thing was trying to eat and basic hygiene. Like I’ve said, I could only eat soft foods or take small bites, otherwise my teeth would shatter. Even when I got through that, the food felt like it was clumping as it went down, and then would just sit in my chest, suffocating it with indigestible chunks.

  But after my good, long nap, I decided to tow the bear with me to the table to try and help me eat. Maybe it would work for that, right? I often was too tired to eat much, but thinking about the meals I could eat motivated me somewhat, if this actually ended up working. I hadn’t had a good strawberry cupcake in a long-ass time. That’s not really a meal, but, whatever. My point is that any food I once liked was ruined for me, but maybe not anymore. Pastries aren’t as fun to eat when you feel you might vomit after the first three great bites. And then even if you can swallow it, you’re nauseous the rest of the day.

  I sat the bear beside my chair and pulled out some leftover ramen that I got sick halfway through eating before. It was one of the worst examples I’d cultivated where I had to hold it in my mouth for ages or spit out most of it in fear of it not going down. My shuddering fingers spun the cool metal fork and twirled some noodles around it, a few dangling off. I sifted them into my mouth, and swallowed hard to make sure I didn’t gag them back up. I was ready to be disappointed, or choke, or choke and be disappointed, but it was actually okay. It sat in my stomach somewhat comfortably, no clumping in my chest, and there was no backwash. The noodles tasted a bit stale, obviously, but it didn’t hurt as bad to swallow it, my throat only being somewhat scratchy.

  Wow, truly a miracle on earth.

  But the fact that I could tell they were even stale at all was insane to me. I wouldn’t be able to have figured that out before. I swiped a beer from the fridge and took a swift sip, my lips touching the chill aluminum. It was okay. About as good as dollar store beer is. But either way, it was weird. My taste was so thorough now. Or probably just the bare minimum, but for me, it was shocking. I felt that I was able to become a number 1 superhero for being able to swallow a few noodles. I finished off all the noodles in the bowl, licking the broth off of my lips afterward. I kind of wanted to go on a shopping trip, but that would imply I had to leave my house, which was a bit of an inconvenience. So maybe not. But the noodles were good enough for what I had at home.

  I brought the bear over to the mostly barren balcony and sat outside in the wooden chair for the first time in a while. I made sure to obscure the bear from view behind the seat. I hadn’t decorated this place at all, because I knew I would trash it. And for some reason, it always just made me more depressed thinking of how any cosmetic change would deteriorate over time. The sky was clear and bright, almost stinging my eyes, only a few small clouds passing by to hide the sun. The loud wind outside blew against my face, cooling me off and blowing some of my greasy hair. I started to have a sneaking feeling of regret, but I continued to stay put for some reason. Looking out on the occasional car that whizzed down the long gray road by the parking lot gave me an off putting feeling of loneliness. Past the road was a bright green field with a few trees, leading to a park, where I could see some people living their lives.

  There was a lump growing in the back of my throat, too big to swallow, as everything outside grew piercing. The searing sky was scalding my eyes, the horrible, earsplitting rambling of the world was blaring in my ears only growing stronger, and the grim, awful sight of happy people existing comfortably- the suffocating stitch wrangling my chest was too strong to be blocked by the bear’s magic. A feeling of humiliation was shot at me like a dagger, making me feel exposed and disgusting. I wanted to tear my hair out for even thinking of coming out here. With a long sigh, I trudged back inside and slammed the door. Just listening to and looking at people made me feel... I don’t know. I couldn’t identify it. I’m not sure what it was, but it was uncomfortable. At work, I managed to drive all that out, but I couldn’t do that here. My mind would always yank me back to those feelings whenever I sat out there.

  I rushed back to my couch, tossing the bear next to me, and started scrolling through my phone. The same calm descended back upon me after laying for a little while, all the discomfort floating away from my mind, until I found that the text messages from my friends were never replied to. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go out with them yet or talk at all, even if it was undeniable that I was feeling much better. But a spurt of motivation to text hit me, so I managed to say that I didn’t feel like it to the one asking me to hang out and was able to continue a bit of the other conversation. I didn’t get very far before getting bored, but it was better than nothing. It was surprising he was there to chat all day, or that’s what it felt like, at least. He wanted me to join for some gaming tournament, but I couldn’t have thought about anything less appealing. He was a good friend, though… I would think about it later.

  I passed out yet again to another day. One of the things I hated the most was showering, and I couldn’t find it in me to give a shit about it. It was either too cold, so hot that I would faint, or at the end I would feel way more foul since my room was disgusting and not me. My nose was so accustomed to the cigarette scent that I barely recognized it, although sometimes I would if I showered. And obviously, the scent doesn’t come out of clothing easily, no matter how many reluctant walks to the laundromat I made. I truly hated having to be in any place where people could smell anything coming from me, or look at me. And my bathroom was disgusting, which was the more polite way to put it. But, since I had the bear, it wasn’t nearly as debilitating. I still hated it, but it was somewhat more tolerable, I guess. And no, don’t worry, I stuck it outside the door so it didn’t have to look at my balls. I was kind of freaked out that it would be perving on me, really. We both avoided being traumatized, is all I’m trying to say.

  It also helped me brush my teeth. Instead of every touch to my teeth leaving my jaw aching and prickling with stabs of pain, it was soothing. But even with that I couldn’t get myself to do it consistently, it was just so damn tiring.

  After that day, I had it with me no matter where I sat, outside of me leaving the house, and the bathroom, of course. I wasn’t that desperate, although I’m sure it wouldn’t be below me. But it worked every time. It was so much more effective than any drugs I had, even combined. No, I didn’t get any euphoric effects, but it saved me so much discomfort. The week seemed to pass by quickly, and it was soon the weekend.

  The one morning, the bear appeared much stranger to me right after waking up. It was as if it was looking at me like it… wanted something. Its blank face appeared to be asking, calling to me to help it. As if it were trying to reach out to me as best it could in its unsentient state. I can’t say what in particular made me think that. Maybe it was the eyes, which were somewhat duller than before, the golden light fading in and out to a dusty brown at certain angles. Maybe it was the disheveled appearance, being ruffled and speckled with dirt soiling its once white fur. Maybe it’s because it was like it didn’t want to give a bright smile any longer, instead leaving its mouth straight as a pin, trying to disguise its discomfort.

  No, that’s not right. This is just a weird stuffed animal, isn’t it? It’s never done this before. I must be seeing things. I must be too tired.

  I decided to ignore it for a bit. I couldn’t figure out what changed, and I had assumed the vibes I got from it before were my brain being stupid. I was probably just tired and my brain was making things up to fuck with me. Maybe I’d just eat a meal away from it, then take a nap next to it, and see what changed either time.

  As I ate a chewy leftover burger, the taste spoiled and bitter, and scrolled on my phone, I tried to think of what a teddy bear could even want. It’s not conscious, after all. But it had to want something, right? Things like that don’t just happen for no reason.

  No. It’s probably just your sleepy brain making things up. Don’t think about it, or it’ll make it worse.

  But even though I tried not to, I ended up only eating a quarter of the burger and a few stale fries before I rushed back to the couch to figure out what it was trying to say. My eyes and brain should have had enough time to adjust to the cloudy, dark morning. But, no. The same gnawing feeling came at me again, in full force. Its face was drowsy and gray, but how? Why?

  Let’s just take a quick nap. That should do it.

  I was able to pass out for a couple hours, and as soon as I woke up, I checked to see if the feeling left me, and no, it did not. It stared up at me with the same melancholy expression, pleading for me to do… something.

  What could a teddy bear even want? How could it even want something? Were the only thoughts on my mind now. The nagging feeling was uncomfortable to me, even though it was just some stupid toy. I couldn’t get myself not to think about it. Why was I worried about this shit, anyway? But I guess I wouldn’t mind paying it back, although I wasn’t aware it was even capable of conscious thought. But that’s when I considered that I was making it more complicated than it needed to be and that it just needed the bare necessities of care.

  “Are you hungry?” I blurted out, my mouth moving before I could stop it. I wasn’t sure why that was the first thing I’d said- but I had the strangest feeling that I was right. Maybe.

  I sat the bear on the table, making sure it didn’t fall over. I cut a couple apple slices and rested the pieces on a napkin in front of it, then collapsed down in the chair, staring, waiting, for something to happen. But it refused to move, merely staring at the food like it already changed its mind in the two minutes it took to cut an apple.

  “Well, uh… go on, now.” I mumbled, twirling my hair around my finger and pulling through the knots in waiting.

  Nothing happened.

  Perhaps I had misjudged the situation, just a tad. Now I was pretty much just trying to give food to an inanimate object. A magic one, no doubt, but one that couldn’t eat food at all either way. All the time I’d spent before with the bear wasn’t nearly as bad as this, mainly because even if it seemed silly, it at least served some sort of actual purpose. I just looked deranged trying to feed this thing.

  Eh, whatever. This is a waste of time.

  I shook my head, plucked it up from the table and went to rest on the couch, ready to forget about all this. I somehow felt incredibly fatigued after this, probably due to my embarrassing moment. Embarrassment sure was the greatest way to drain my energy. At least no one could see it. I passed out for a couple more hours and woke up groggy as could be, more fuzziness shifting in and out of my eyesight. Apparently I’d rested the bear in front of my face without realizing. The sudden shock threw me up from the couch, making me wince in pain as my teeth smashed together. But its face was... content, soothed once more. I swung up off the couch and went to the table, which no longer had any snacks on it, only the empty remnants of the napkin. I was pretty much confused at first, rubbing my eyes to force myself awake. Maybe I had moved the food back to the fridge and forgotten, although it’d have been weird for me to just move the apple slices. Or maybe I ate it and forgot, which makes sense. But it was more likely to me that the bear was magic and could eat food. It did move in front of me while I was asleep, didn’t it? It corroborated properly to me from all the information I had, despite how odd it was.

  I went back and examined the bear’s face once more to see if its contentedness still remained. Its eyes were tinged with radiant gold, although it was still being mixed with some dusty brown. Not exactly the same, but it emanated a lingering feeling of a want from it despite feeding it. I wasn’t getting ’hungry‘ much anymore, though. I tried to go over a list in my head of basic necessities. Food, water, sleep, hygiene, clothes…. I’m not sure I would qualify ‘attention’ as a basic necessity but that was usually what was required to help a child grow healthily, medically speaking. Letting it sit next to me probably checked that off the list, though. The others, I hadn’t been bothering with, because I wasn’t aware that it even needed those things at all. I felt a bit silly thinking through all of this ridiculousness and how I even ended up in this situation in the first place. But I guess as long as it was offering me something in return, there wasn’t much to lose, even if it felt pretty stupid. I filled a glass of water and cut up more food, sliding it into a bowl, then rested the toy on a small pillow and pulled a towel over it. I set the cup and cheese pieces down next to the bear and had a long, long yawn.

  “Welp. There you go, I guess.” I said, sitting back down and pulling out my phone once again. I wondered what I’d even do for hygiene and the clothes. What was I supposed to do, wait for clothes to show up at my door? Drive to the thrift store and pick out the first doll-sized clothes I found? No way I was wasting my weekend gallivanting about for a teddy bear. I started to suspect this whole thing was some divinely inspired event made to force me out of the house, but I wasn’t having it. I refused to breathe in fresh air. Not that what I planned on doing was more productive anyway, but it didn’t even use up half as much energy.

  And do you drop it in a tub to wash it? There’s no way that wouldn’t mess it up. I guess I could put it through the laundromat, but if this thing was alive, I imagine that would be an incredibly unpleasant experience. But it didn’t come with cleaning instructions, so I wasn’t sure what to do. Then again, all of that is just too much effort. The most I decided to bother with was maybe grooming it with a brush I’d used on some cat that kept following me around a while ago. I also had some sanitary wipes shoved somewhere in the mess. That wouldn’t exactly clean it but I guess it’d be something if its fur got really, really bad somehow. The bear had a few tiny dirt stains on it, but nothing egregious. So unless it was secretly a germaphobe, it’d probably survive.

  This was too much thinking for another day, especially on a weekend. I’m not sure why I was worried about making it happy. What was the dude going to do, kill me if I don’t comply? Maybe. I guess I wasn’t worried about that, I knew it was the idea that I wouldn't have this magic antidote anymore. It would be a major loss. It even seemed to cure any withdrawals I could’ve had. To give it up would be a massive demotivator. But it’s only fair that I pay it back somehow.

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  I fell asleep for a long while, all the way until the next morning. I had fallen asleep around dinnertime yesterday, so that was the longest nap I’ve had in a while. I probably wouldn’t have gotten up if it weren’t for the sudden knock on my door that made my stomach jump. I pulled the strands of hair away from my mouth as my eyes started to open, then looked on my phone to see that it was a Sunday, so… no way it was the mail. Maybe a friend came over?

  Fuck. How do you even explain this…?

  I walked over there loaded with multiple excuses to get them to buzz off when I saw that there were no friends, but a medium-sized box instead. Hopefully there would be something interesting inside. I took it inside and tore it open with a few snips of my scissors. Maybe someone had the wrong door, I thought. But instead, there were different assortments of doll sized dresses in white, yellow, apricot or beige that were similar to the one my bear had on. So it was obviously for me, unless there was someone else in the area needing fancy, suspiciously well made dresses for their stuffed animals. I sure doubted it.

  I bit my lip, teeth digging and tearing into my skin. “I was joking about the clothes being delivered to my door, you know.” I said out loud, waiting for someone to enlighten me on what the fuck was happening. There was no sticker on the packaging or anything like that with any information. I hadn’t even thought to look before because I was dicking around, but there were no brand tags on the dresses anywhere or anything like that. I checked in on the teddy bear that still sat on the pillow, staring innocently into the void. The water was drained down to half and the cheese and crackers I’d put in the bowl were much less than before. So… I guess this is actually a thing now, huh? It was kind of like waking up to Santa having eaten the cookies on Christmas day except not as cool because you’re a grown man and can no longer tell if you’re sane or not. And the present is your body functioning at the bare minimum level.

  I picked up the bear and looked all over it to see if there was something on it that would give me any information. I managed to slip off the dress using the buttons in the back, carefully so as not to rip it, and on the bear's waist was a tag that wrote ‘Sister’s Heart’ in fancy type.

  So is this the brand, huh?

  My fingers flew fast to type on my phone, almost dropping it in the process, but there were no results related to what I was searching for. Not even some obscure thread about it. So that led me absolutely nowhere. It was the strangest thing. Why even put the brand name there, anyway? A tinge of curiosity about the brand still gripped me, leaving me wanting answers, but I wasn’t even sure where else to look for information. I could ask my friends or something, but I didn’t want anyone to know about this all, to be honest. And the chances of them having any answer other than ‘Fuck if I know’ was about 2%.

  I shook my head at the obnoxious reveal of nothing at all and brought the bear to the table. I must’ve been given these dresses for some reason other than cosmetics, although I’m not sure what purpose it could possibly serve. Hopefully I wasn’t expected to swap them out every day or something, but doing it a couple times a week would be fine. I’ll admit the designs of the dresses were nice to look at. I wouldn’t have minded wearing a couple myself. But I guess all the cool fashion got allotted to bears made by defunct brands instead.

  I took out one with an apricot color, the precious cotton delicate to my touch, and dressed the bear up with it as carefully as possible. Under the dresses were some clips and bows, I guess for you to customize it with. I picked a bow that had a similar style to the dress and clipped it on the bear’s ear. This all wasn’t too bad. I had already mentioned it before, but the clothes were of shockingly good quality. The dress fabric was so silky or had the finest fiber, no loose threads, and even the smallest lace was detailed and ornate. There were even what appeared to be very convincing clear gemstones on some of the brooches, sleeves or bows. So it immediately led me to wonder, what was the intended purpose of this brand? To be a dress up toy for adults to collect or for kids to play with? Ignoring the magic part. It’s not like kids couldn’t use it, but I imagine these would be expensive to buy, then. That’s why most dolls are plastic and cheap, for when kids inevitably break it. I guess if these toys just show up at random people’s doors, price doesn’t factor in as much. These could probably be sold for millions looking like a potato sack as long as they could heal people, it all just seemed like a bit too much effort.

  I brushed down the creases of the dress and adjusted the ruffles, then put the rest of the stuff back in, careful not to make any small tears. It was kind of cute, sure. The bear looked excited for me to dress it up, the smile making its face glitter. I searched further in to see if I had missed anything, and under a couple more dresses was some sort of unnamed spray in what looked like a fancy perfume bottle and a few sanitary wipes that smelled like lavender. I wasn’t sure if that was for the bear itself or the outfits, but I found my answer on a vague pamphlet thing at the very bottom. Most of it was how to wash the clothes, but it also said you could wash the bear off with soap and water. I’m not sure how that wouldn’t ruin it, but it said it on the instructions in cursive, so it must be true. I decided I’d do that at some other point.

  I got a big stretch in and checked to see if it wanted anything. It appeared perfectly content to me. I guess taking care of this bear was my life now. But after considering all that I’ve been doing, it was awkward still referring to this thing as ‘the bear’ ‘teddy bear’ ‘stuffed animal’ or ‘the toy’. A dumb name would probably suffice and qualify as ‘giving it care’. I thought about just giving it a stupid name like Steve or something because I suck at naming things, but I still scanned around the room for something random else to call it as a way to put in a minimal amount of effort. To pretend I cared at all. But I have to say, names like ‘faucet’ and ‘fridge’ weren’t exactly hitting.

  I looked down to find my fingers were tugging at one of the satin ribbons of the dress. Lots of the dresses were very fluffy and frilly, so… Frill it was then, I guess. I probably was not going to say that out loud outside of one time. I didn’t really feel like sitting here and taking my sweet time thinking over all this, I had another nap to take.

  “Okay, I’m calling you Frill… I guess.” I said, to utter silence. I had to make the blood contract work somehow. As I looked at it, still unsure about what I was trying to accomplish, it was as if it were reassuring me. The smiling thing was freaky, as the mouth stayed in the same position all the time I’d had it, so it was more of a... vibe or spirit. I wasn’t sure whether to be freaked out or not by all this. But really, what had been the problem so far? I was being unnecessarily suspicious. Hopefully. At the end of the day, this thing was saving me.

  I took it with me to the couch like usual, propped it up next to me and fell back asleep. Tomorrow was a work day, and I wasn’t excited.

  I drove my way to work the very next morning after feeding him some more food. I was trying to remember when exactly he had come to my house before, but I couldn’t recall at all, although time often slipped my mind. Probably wasn’t paying much attention. It didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, I guess, although it was somewhat odd. At work, I constantly thought about the comfort waiting for me at home. It was all I wanted to come back to, and I’d never had anything to look forward to before all this. The rounds and rounds of work were a complete slog, and I was almost tearing my hair out listening to the awful, ear splitting noise of people around me. Every drag I took was a pain and didn’t make me feel the slightest bit relieved.

  As I got home once again, I decided to see how far away the magic worked and approximately how long. This wasn’t necessary information, but I was curious. Normally I wouldn’t bother, but Frill was making me more motivated. It didn’t function when I was at work, but that’s miles and miles away. At that rate, it’d spread to the whole neighborhood, and then I’d be in a much stranger situation.

  I tried it from random lengths of space, slowly backing further and further away by one ruler’s distance as I waded back through clothes and wrappers strewn about. He gave me an incredulous stare the whole time, and that definitely wasn’t something I could help him with. I could tell the magic was wearing off when I started to get nauseous and my gag reflex was way more sensitive. But it lasted for a few minutes after each time with him, so it took a bit to figure out. Apparently, it didn’t work at around 10 feet away. I was surprised it was even that much.

  Now that I was aware of this entirely pointless information, I laid back on the couch and twirled my hair around as I held him to my chest. I was probably just trying to cope with the fact I knew nothing else about him. There was nothing to accomplish after that, so I just took a long nap. As soon as I woke up at around 12:00 at night, his aura told me he was craving something to eat, and my heart dropped thinking about my negligence. I hoped that these bears weren’t equipped with guns or something. To be fair, I wasn’t feeding him before, so it was probably fine. I was hoping that maybe I could see him eat in front of me this time.

  I sat him on the table and gave him some cheese and lettuce because I couldn’t think of what else to put down for the guy. I kind of wondered what would happen when giving him a beer, but he probably just wouldn’t drink it at all. And if he really wanted something else, he could just get it out of the fridge himself. My stomach grumbled softly to tell me to eat, so I grabbed some leftover noodles and sat back at the table. It was a bit awkward, eating with a toy bear, now that I thought of it.

  “So, uh, how come you don’t wanna eat in front of me?”

  He looked at me with the same relaxed face. I wasn’t sure what the point of asking was, considering there was no answer every time. Unsurprising, really, but I can’t deny that I was hoping maybe there was some voice function or something. Actually, now that I think of it, maybe not. I would’ve lost my shit. Not visibly, of course.

  This somewhat reminded me of when I tried the noodles with him the first time. That felt so long ago, but I wasn’t so sure it was. It was cloudy and distant, not unlike most of my memories. I poked and prodded through my brain to try and remember, but it wasn’t coming to me. Something in me wanted to be frustrated, but it wasn’t winning me over. I ate in peaceful silence and finished up, but still nothing had happened the whole time, even though I watched intently. It probably freaked the dude out. I even turned my head away for a minute or two and then back, but nothing had happened. I guess this one was really self conscious.

  Whatever, I’m just going to bed.

  I got more good sleep and woke up in the morning to see he had eaten overnight, then I left for work yet again. Nothing of note happened as usual, and I was back in my house. I fed Frill and went digging through the box again to look at the dresses. They were strangely nice to look at, and I snapped some photos of them on my phone. But I was reminded of the cleaning instructions for the bear as my eyes caught sight of the pamphlet I’d tossed back in without a thought. Maybe it was about time to wash him? If there was any scent off of him, my nose was too burnt out to know. And it was most likely cigarettes, which would be impossible to rub out.

  I went to the couch and picked up my bear again, who had chomped down all the food in the time I was lollygagging in the kitchen. Frill had gotten multiple larger dirt stains that were much more noticeable than before. His once pristine fur was turning musty and brown. There were also some sections that were greasy and sticky from food I had eaten. Wouldn’t be surprised if he had a lot of germs from me drooling in my sleep, too. He got grimy so fast that it alarmed me and sent sweaty shivers throughout my system- it was so sudden. Maybe it would be better to wash him now. The instructions were a bit vague, but I guess anything went for soap. If this couldn’t clean him, then… Not sure what I’d do at that point. Hopefully I wasn’t being misled, but the bear's fur was beautiful before I fucked it up and polluted his skin with my disgusting hands. I tried not to spiral into thoughts of how fucking irresponsible I was and took a long breath, forcing reassuring thoughts into my mind of how this wasn’t easy to notice, about how it was an accident. I could only hope he wouldn’t despise me for this. The soap couldn’t do much worse to the condition his fur was in now.

  I brought him to the sink and sat him next to it right after I moved the dirty dishes out of the way. I turned on the water after removing his clothes, splashed his face with a bit on a certain greasy spot, and rubbed some soap in to see what would happen. Froths of bubbles started to spawn, and they slid right down with the small stream from the faucet. The fur began to turn light grey, but nothing amazing appeared to be happening with it, no magic shenanigans. It got damp, which was mind blowing. But the fact that it didn’t make it a pure white again made me worry. As I set him down to prevent drowning the poor man, there was a text that lit up my phone, which was kept on silent since text sounds gave me a heart attack. It appeared to be from Lux, who I didn’t talk to a lot. I would consider her more of an acquaintance if anything. She had sent a text asking if she could call me. I was kind of surprised that she didn’t just… do it, like most people. The only time I ever saw being forced into a phone call as necessary was if someone was literally about to kill over. She must’ve been smart enough to know, or maybe it irritated her as much as me.

  But I couldn’t help but wonder what she would even want. Like I said, we didn’t talk much. Most of the time we ran into each other by pure coincidence. But she was pretty chill the majority of times I’d talked to her, it wasn’t ever overwhelming or annoying. So I decided, why not. I had absolutely nothing to do right now.

  I sent her a text that it was alright after drying my hands and waited, watching the phone for a few seconds. The generic ringtone music went off, making my stomach drop despite the fact I was expecting it. I clicked accept, brushing off any sudden inhibitions to abandon the call and held the phone up.

  “Hey man, what’s up?” She said, her gruff voice scratching from the quality of my speaker.

  “Hey. Nothing. Why did you want to talk to me?” My voice made me twitch, hearing how dry it was.

  “I don’t know, something weird happened. But I called you since I didn’t want to mention it to someone else… well, besides Cerise. I got this crazy bear dude in my house. Not like, an actual guy, I mean a stuffed animal. Probably shoulda been more specific.” She laughed lightly. “But it’s weird because it’s like, magic or some shit.”

  “I… That’s weird, I have one too. Right here.” I replied, coughing right after to try and get rid of the hoarseness in my voice. I noticed that the fur part I had washed had somehow already dried and was glowing with a pure white sheen. Thank God.

  “WHAT? Crazy!” She said, chuckling. “Has it been doing the same thing for you? Magic healing stuff? I felt great since I got it. Could actually sleep, finally. Shit’s long overdue, haha.”

  “Uh… yeah. I guess so.”

  “Wow, wow. So strange, huh? And so, as you can imagine, I was confused. I wanted to see where it was from, but I saw it said ‘Sister’s Heart’ on the tag. I looked it up, nada. Weird, aye? But I asked Cerise, since she’s into all the weird shit. I mean that in a joking way, heh. But she went looking for it. Wanna hear some of the stuff she found? I don’t wanna go on if you’re not interested.” Her deep voice sounded somewhat strained, but I tried not to ask about it.

  I perked up at the information. As much as my demeanor could manage, anyway. I wasn’t expecting an answer any time soon.

  “Yeah, totally.”

  “Great! So basically… She obviously couldn’t find a lot a lot, but she has a lotta crazy books in her library. Turns out this brand was made way back when in like, the early 1800’s. That’s probably why the outfits are crazy. Apparently, it was originally just dress-up teddy bears for kids, and there were playsets and all that to accompany it. The clothes and the bear were all handmade individually. But the maker of it apparently wanted to sell them mainly for kids from abusive families and used the funds from the bear purchases to donate to charity. Apparently she and her sister got fucked up really bad by her parents. The maker made it out alive when she got out of her shitty home as an 18 year old, but her sister didn’t, mainly for medical reasons, so that’s probably the reason for the name. But she said she felt she needed a short term solution for abuse, that charities weren’t doing enough or even being discriminatory, or that CPS was dogshit at their job, and was frustrated. So she basically made it for kids that were in her position to comfort them. After that, it’s just kinda vague. There were theories on how they became magic, but they make literally no sense to me. Even Cerise was confuseddd as hell. It really seems like all the magic shit happened way after she already stopped making it. The small company apparently disbanded about 2 years after it was made, due to a lack of sales and being unable to upkeep development. Apparently around 110 bears and 200 different outfits and accessories were sold, along with 50 playsets with cups and spoons and stuff like that. Somehow they’re still being dished out. It must just be under a different name now, although I’m not sure why the tags are the same. So uh, yeah. Kinda cool, although I’m not really sure what to do now with this information. Doesn’t exactly explain how it got into my house.”

  I played with my hair as I tried to get over how weird this all was. She was right, it was a fun little history fact, but it didn’t explain anything I needed to know. I guess that part was just up to the imagination. But I kind of felt shitty. Was I keeping this too far away from a kid that actually deserved it, needed it? Was I being selfish? Not that I didn’t assume that already, it being a literal teddy bear and all, but with the whole message of the original brand, unease was creeping up on me, like I was treading on some ground I wasn’t invited to.

  “Yeah, that’s.. uh… strange.”

  “Pretty much. Makes me kinda feel bad, I feel like I should be giving this to some kid instead. Guess it got here by accident, huh…?” I heard dress shoes clacking up and down on the floor, like she was pacing behind the phone.

  “Yeah, I was thinking that too… Shit sucks.”

  “Yuh-huh. Definitely. But I don’t really want to get rid of it yet, I mean…” She went silent for a few seconds. “I dunno, guess it came to us for a reason, right? Maybe we shouldn’t sweat it.”

  “I guess so.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s ‘bout it. I just thought that since we had all that crazy shit happen to us before, you’d get it. Guess I was right, eh? Hope this wasn’t too much of a bother or anything.”

  “No. It was nice to hear.”

  “So how freaky is it that it can eat food? That’s pretty dang weird.”

  “Pretty weird. But I don’t mind.”

  “Yeah, me neither. Well, I don’t wanna linger on call for no reason. Catch ya later!”

  “Bye.”

  The call cut out in less than a second after I said my last words. She must’ve wanted to do something else other than talk on the phone, too. All the conversation did in the end was leave a thick burden on my back. Even though Lux was probably right. Why else would he have come to me? But I was more skeeved out that Lux also had her own at the same time. It made me wonder if any of my friends encountered this, and maybe they hadn’t texted me about it yet.

  But those thoughts vanished quickly compared to a different deluge of thoughts, terrible ones that were pouring through my mind as I tried to avoid looking at Frill.

  Do you really think I shouldn’t have you? Nobody would ever want to live in here, in this fucking hellhole with me, why would you want to?

  I couldn’t get myself to say it out loud. The words were gross to just think about, vile as they crawled on my tongue in waiting to spring out. I knew he didn’t want to live in this shitty apartment with me. Who would? Maybe I was personifying him too much, but that was inevitable now. But as I continued to look at him for an answer, my fears fell away one by one.

  You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?

  I finished washing him, a new shimmer now glittering across his coat. It was a beautiful white again, so I guess I’d worried too much. I decided I’d clean off the clothes later. I headed to my couch and fell fast asleep with him in my arms once more.

  Are you just for kids? You should leave me for them. It’s not like I deserve this, any of this.

  A couple days went past, where nothing of note had occurred. The thought of me depriving kids followed me in my thoughts, even if I tried to avoid it. But I was just selfish. I don’t know why it was bothering me so much now, and it wasn’t a surprise in the slightest. But I wanted to have the comfort all to myself. I didn’t want to lie and make excuses, I was just selfish.

  You didn’t have to stay, but here you are.

  The next few days, I fed him three snacks for each meal and made sure to refill his water so it didn’t get too lukewarm. I even brushed him after each one, which was even soothing to me, and I hoped it was for him too. I did it every evening. It was like a nice bonding time between us, and his spirit was relaxed with every stroke. Caring for him was no longer a struggle in my mind. Weirdly, it gave me some sort of purpose that I didn’t have to go outside for or talk to people for. The days of feeding and giving him water were fulfilling enough for me.

  I came home another day after a large shopping trip. “Hey. Did you miss me?” I said as an extremely dry joke, slamming the door behind me with my foot. The ‘big’ shopping trip was the only time I’d done something particularly different for the last… who knows how long, really. I was able to buy some cheap cupcakes to devour for today. I tossed the bags down on the kitchen floor, kicking the trash away with my foot, and pulled out a cookie. “I have this, it’s a cookie.” I put it on a plastic plate and set it next to him. His fur appeared tousled from me holding him so much, so I groomed it for a few minutes. Each stroke sent a light pulse through my hand, his fur radiating an incandescent crystal glow. It was kind of alluring to look at and graze my fingers through.

  I decided to swap out his dress and then rested him on my lap as I sat on the balcony. It was a windy, clear night, and the stars were twinkling, making swirling patterns in the midnight sky. I could almost hear them glistening as they sat like tiny gems in a pool of dark water, corruscating in and out whenever they desired. I could blink my eyes for the smallest time and a new excited radiant star would be there to greet me. The best part was, nobody could see me well, but even if they could, it probably would’ve been fine. I’d taken a nice warm shower, and I probably smelled and looked… okay, now.

  “It’s nice, huh? I wish the sky was always this bright.” I said softly, tucking my hair behind my ear. I take a quick glance at his eyes, glassy enough to reflect the wonderful scene above me to show that yes, it really did look like that.

  After sitting outside for a while listening to the rustling trees and silver wind, I went back in and fell right asleep, the sights of the heavenly night replaying in my head. It was so peaceful. That one night reminded me of being younger and wearing my pajamas to go outside and look up at the stars with my sisters. The air would be chilly and the wind would tousle our hair and make the trees rustle and flutter, and we’d look up at the shining night sky, then talk about something stupid, while hiding away from our parents. Even though I was vulnerable, it was sometimes the safest, most free I’d felt. I’d forgotten about all that for a long while, and it made me wonder… What else had I forgotten? Most nighttimes I’d ever stared into the stars were from being left in the yard as punishment, but I guess there was a time where… it wasn’t like that all the time.

  One evening, a few days later, I had a strong chill go through me as I stroked his fur. My eyes were disturbed to see that he had a miserable expression, that was reaching out for help and comfort.

  “What’s wrong?” I said, setting the brush down and caressing his head. “Do you want something else?” I thought for a couple of seconds, trying to think of what I could’ve been missing. I thought I was doing fine. But as I took a glance out the door, the thought hit me that he may just want to leave the house. It was the one thing I hadn’t done.

  “Do you want to go outside?” I took him back to the balcony to let him look at the clouds. “I can’t do much else, sorry.” I trailed off into deeper thought as I started to be ravaged with annoyance. I wanted to stay inside and rest with him, I didn’t want to fuck around outside where everything was screeching as loud as hell and suffocating my entire system. The thought that he was becoming disinterested after all I’d done made me dig my nails into my thigh. Why wasn’t what I was doing enough?

  I didn’t know why I was whining about this. I deserved it. My room still looked awful, despite the fact I’d claimed to be ‘feeling better’. It continued to be cluttered to the brim with tossed cigarettes, leftover food, wrappers, dirty clothes, and plenty of other disgusting, unwashed items. Thinking about the fact that I was forcing him into this made me angry. He was feeling suffocated there, and it made complete sense. He ate the same predictable food, slept on the same couch, looked up at the same part of the sky, was forced to be held by the same arms and was told he had to stay in my disgusting apartment room, so many damn times. If he was as real as I thought now, well… I shouldn’t have been getting myself worked up about his totally valid feelings. But I was a selfish moron.

  “Don’t leave, I’ve been with you for too long.” I said, my voice coming out somewhat shaky even though I tried to keep it flat. It was so pathetic for me to beg, but the words tripped out too fast for me to stop them. I pulled him close to my chest and the usual comforting sensation went through me, showing that maybe, everything would be okay in the end. I didn’t want to be in pain again, I didn’t want to suffer anymore. He was giving me the most amazing gift anyone could. But I knew that things were only going to get worse, no matter what I did to avoid it. But a desperate idea broke into my mind.

  “Maybe you can go for a walk with me, at least. I’ll try.” I set him down on the couch, making sure he didn’t fall over, and went to the closet. There was an old backpack with many tears from its years on the street with me. I didn’t know if the fact that he was obscured from seeing the outside in a bag would make this all pointless, which is some of why I’d been hesitant, but I had to try now.

  “Alright, I’ll put you in this and we can go for a walk together.” I tossed out any garbage inside of it, rested him in the bag, threw it over my shoulder and walked out of my apartment, to where the town was grey and tired. I inhaled the crisp air deeply as the cold nipped at my face and lolled through the barren monotone streets. Any possible remaining sounds around blurred in my ears over time. Frill behind me was determined to keep my whole body warm, an aura of trembling heat wobbling around me and keep me a little cozy. But I could tell he was still losing energy from how feeble it was becoming.

  There were dark clouds looming over, threatening to downpour on us both. Not very scenic for him, although I didn’t dislike the rain myself. It was refreshing to me. Even the really hard rain was okay.

  “I bet you don’t want it to rain, huh? I’ll make sure you don’t get wet.” I whispered, low and to the point so I didn’t look too weird. I found my way to a bench in the park and decided to relax for a little bit. As I sat down on the cool metal, pulling my sleeves over my hands to keep them from freezing, it started to sprinkle. I started to get slightly damp and chilly, but I pulled him out of the bag anyway to see if I was doing everything right.

  He looked up with a cheerful smile, his fur and face glowing even stronger from the sprinkling rain illuminating his features. But even though he looked joyful at first glance, looking long enough showed there was still an aura of… dejection. Or maybe exhaustion. The rain, even though it made him appear beautiful a few seconds earlier, started to expose a weary, strained smile that couldn’t hide away his degrading life, no matter how hard he tried. I hoped my brain was making it up, that it was projecting onto him, but I was lying to myself. To make myself feel better.

  I dragged my fingers through my hair, yanking on the knots, and forcing out a shaky sigh. Why… What am I doing wrong?

  “I’m sorry.” I said as low as I could. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” The words rolled off my tongue multiple times and I couldn’t hold them back, even though my brain was begging me to. The pulse in my hands was tender but noticeable as I tried to hold back the anger boiling inside me. There was an unbearable urge to chuck him as far away as possible, to get him away, to save him from my wretched, foul self. It wasn’t him, it was me, it was all me. This was all because of me.

  I thought back to the call with Lux, where she mentioned that these were for kids. This was all a mistake, I should’ve known. He’s not for me. This relief wasn’t made for me. That’s probably what’s wrong. It’s for those who deserve it, those who needed it more than I did. It’s for kids who matter, who haven’t done anything wrong.

  The rain around me grew stronger, drenching me with millions of drops falling around every inch. They caused a storming, thunderous sound throughout the area, and branches and leaves shook or snapped in the downpour. The rain was unrelenting, hostile, begging me to go home and end the whole thing. My whole body became stiff and soaked, breaking into severe shivers that my weak jacket couldn’t dream of stopping.

  “I.. I’ll keep you for a few more days.” I said, through chattering teeth. “Then I’ll… donate you somewhere… or something…”

  I couldn’t see his spirit at all or figure out what he was asking of me as he became soaked, his beautiful clothes becoming ruined while drops streamed down his face. He wasn’t even pleasant to hold anymore, his soaked fur making my fingers overstimulated. I was finally able to process enough to sift him into my bag, and I left, okay with the fact that the storm was hiding my pathetic self away.

  I rested right on my couch as soon as I got home and fell asleep yet again, holding him tightly in my brittle arms. Hoping that something would change. That I would wake up with him and he would be happy and content once again. But that never happened. It never did. Every day, he only reached further and further away from me, begging to be left alone.

  I continued to rest with him for even more days. Not a single interesting thing had happened throughout them, and I couldn’t tell you a single thing. It was all a blur as I hoped, prayed that he would come back to normal. But again, nothing ever changed. Lethargy paralyzed me enough to glue me to the couch until the day I would have to give him up. I simply didn’t have the motivation or care anymore.

  I’m sorry for being so lazy. I thought on an indistinct day, the ceiling blurred above me. I’m sorry if I couldn’t feed you as much. I promise I’ll do better tomorrow. And I would repeat it to him, every day.

  But eventually, I awoke with a lump in my chest and a throbbing sensation in my head. My stomach was nauseous and full, my legs were sore, trembling as I pushed them to the floor, and my head was swaying. Instead of Frill awaking me with a gentle reminder, all I awoke with was a violent cough. My arms were empty, void.

  “No. No, no, no.” Was all I could manage from my trembling lips as I stumbled around the room looking for him. “Please, come back, why would…” I trailed off into silence, realizing how idiotic that was to ask. But it didn’t hurt any less.

  I searched high and low across the apartment, hoping that my gloomy vision was betraying me, or that maybe he was hungry, but the truth was obvious. He had abandoned me. Even the box of clothes and the hairbrush and everything else was just… gone. I sat on the couch, trying to hold back a groan as my teeth gritted in rage.

  Well, so much for that bullshit. was all I could think in my mind, over and over.

  Maybe I wouldn’t have been so pissed off if I hadn’t, you know, taken care of it for weeks and weeks. I couldn’t recall when I had first gotten it, but it was at least a month, probably. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to complain. I guess if this was a deal type thing, then it was entirely equal so long as it lasted. But I’d just wished this never even happened in the first place if he was just going to ditch me like that. Or not even speak a single word before leaving. To where, even? I don’t know. I tried to hold back my frustration, and tell myself to get over it, but it was hard to do. I mean, I’d gotten used to it, but now… I was left to my own devices once again. My hands were shaking and I was dripping with sweat, not because I was that upset but because of smoking withdrawals that were now creeping through my whole system.

  After those beginning thoughts ran through my mind, more chills and strikes of pain stabbed my body. The new discomfort was different than before. I thought that maybe I had just forgotten what it was like, but… No. It wasn’t exactly the same as the pain I’d suffered, and it appeared the throbbing, awful pain on my hand was the main culprit of all this.

  As I looked at my ugly hand, the memories of what happened that night with the knife flashed in my mind for the first time in a while. The wound appeared to be infected- it hurt like hell, but it also was leaking white liquid, like pus, or something. It was nasty and discolored, and I hadn’t even noticed a damn thing. I couldn’t even bring myself to observe it for very long without getting more nauseous than I already was. And now, I felt like utter garbage left burning on the side of the road in a heat wave. I knew I was going to die, most likely. Infected wounds usually needed to be treated early, and I had no clue how long it looked like this. The condition was just so fucking awful that I’m almost sure they would’ve had to saw my hand off to fix it, if they even could at all. As if I wanted to add that to the list of shit I had to deal with. And, if it wasn’t obvious by now, I couldn’t fucking pay for the surgery.

  I wanted to make a bad joke, I wanted to laugh it off, but if anything, all I wanted was a peaceful, quick death for my past 30 years on this planet. But as my hand wrenched and burned so much that I wanted to take a new knife to it and slice it off, I knew I wouldn’t even get that. Of course I wouldn’t, what did I fucking expect?

  It’s not fair. This isn’t fair. Why couldn’t everything be happy for once? This is what I get?

  I didn’t know what to feel, what to do, what to think anymore. Everything was already sliding downwards, but I didn’t expect it all to tumble down a massive cliff at the end. I jumped up from the couch, my head feeling heavy on my head and the room in front of me tilting or even going hazy. I stumbled my way out of the apartment to smoke, just one more time. I decided I would try to overdose before I died to make it quicker afterwards, if the infection didn’t get me first. My legs were already getting gradually weaker, becoming more shaky with every step. They would definitely buckle out from under me any moment.

  As I stood outside the apartment, trying to stop my teeth from shuddering and from taking a gun to my head at 4 AM in the morning, a new car pulled into the lot. I was about to make my way back inside as soon as possible, so someone didn’t give me a concerned stare, but then they stepped out of the car. I could tell who it was soon enough as they ran to my apartment.

  She slowed down a few feet away from me, her dark red hair jerking with her movements. “Vance, Vance.” It was Lux, who I couldn’t imagine why she was here. At first, I was ready to tell her to just fuck off for right now, but then, my next thought was that the same shit went down with her. And my next couple afterward were all of the idea of comfort that someone could be there. Someone who knew. My anger dissipated as she shoved her hands in her pockets with a grave grin. She was still in pajamas, so whatever it was must’ve been so bad that she didn’t care to change. I didn’t even wear pj’s anymore, so props to her for consistently being able to wear them each night, presumably.

  “You, uh, you seen a plush bear of sorts? Or lost one, perchance?” She trailed off from her monotone voice, as if she had lost thought, and stared at the ground. Her blue eyes were blank, unexpressive, even when she smiled. “Mine kinda decided to dip a little early. I didn’t know if yours left too. I mean, that’s not just why I came but, yeah…”

  “What, I just- Yes, it did.“ My eyes caught notice of what appeared to be a similar wound like mine, just on the other hand. It wasn’t as ugly to look at, but hers was more swollen than mine. “Is that…?”

  ”What?” She raised her hand to look at it, as if she forgot it was there. “An infection. Yes.” Her words came out a bit choked, not that I could blame her. “I’m probably not going to make it, realistically. I somehow completely lost track of time. Which is a generous way of putting it.” She was out of breath the whole time as she spoke, her sentences breaking into small gaps for air. Her eyes were tinged red and she kept blinking over and over as if trying not to doze off, although that could’ve been from crying or something.

  “Oh.” I held up my hand to show her mine, hoping it wasn’t too freaky to look at. Not that it would matter in a couple hours, and that was being optimistic. “I have one, too.”

  She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then raised her good hand to stroke her facial hair. “That’s… crazy. Guess we’re really in a pickle now, huh? Looks like we have soul connected wounds or some shit.” She gave a hoarse laugh and pulled her hair from her face. I could only appreciate the crass attempt at comedy.

  “Guess so.” I tossed my cigarette to the ground, clenching the fist that was having a wonderful time in comparison to the other. “You want to come up to my apartment with me? Hang out of death… Or something like that.” I was trying my best to resist showing any distress at the terrible stabbing pain while engaging in this conversation, but my shuddering lips were betraying me.

  “Hell yeah. It’s not like I have much else to do, huh? I mean, I did come here to…” Her words warbled as she tried to catch her breath. “Sorry, I just wanted to say that… Um…” Her legs started to go wobbly, making her begin falling to the side. I ran over to catch her, although it was a bit difficult to hold her weight since she was taller than me.

  “You okay?” I asked, attempting to hold her steady. She didn’t entirely topple over, at least.

  “Y…yeah. I just think this stupid fever is getting to me…” She tried to laugh again, but it just came out mangled. “Ugh…”

  “Alright, alright. Don’t worry, you can just rest in my room. I mean, obviously.” I started to help her get to my apartment room. “My legs aren’t feeling well either, so I should hurry up otherwise we’re both going to die on the grass lawn.”

  “Thanks, man…” She went completely silent as I helped her up and moving. We made our way into my apartment and she laid back on the couch with a groan, trying her best to not put pressure on her wound.

  “Don’t mind the mess, I guess.” I wasn’t really embarrassed about it so much as I knew that if I didn’t mention it, it would look like I thought this was a normal way for people to live.

  “Eh, don’t worry about it, my own place isn’t in much better condition, really. You have nothing to be worried about.” She paused for a second in thought, then coughed a couple times. “Did you talk to your friends about all this?” She asked, her voice raspy.

  “No. You’re the only person I’ve mentioned all these shenanigans to.” I replied. I sat down next to her after wrapping a random cloth around my hand. “Why? Did you?”

  “No. I don’t really know what to say. They probably don’t even want to talk to me anymore, I’ve ignored their texts like 500 fucking times.” She let out another harsh laugh. “I guess I was just hoping that it wouldn’t hurt so much. My hand, I mean.”

  “Yeah, I get what you mean.” I laid back and sighed, deciding to make an unnecessary attempt at conversation. “So you had a bear too then, huh? Was it different from mine?”

  “Hm? Yeah, I said that. I don’t know what yours looked like, though. But mine made me feel a lot better for some reason... Like, physically, at least. That’s what yours did too, huh?”

  “Ah. I see. Yeah.”

  “I just don’t understand why she left, and now, I’m going to die.” She shuddered as she pulled my blanket over her. “And the hospital is barely an option. I don’t even think they can do much at this point, I’m too tired to try. I’m fucked.”

  “Yeah, it’s hella shitty. I’m in the same position as you. Uh, I’m sorry I can’t say something more… Helpful.”

  “It’s fine, I understand. Really not much either of us can say that we wouldn’t know.” She sat up with heavy-lidded eyes, out of breath, and held my hand. “Feels a bit abrupt, doesn’t it? I mean, I didn’t wanna do anything, but I was hoping this wouldn’t happen so fast.”

  ”…Yeah.” My legs got another jolt of chills, making me twitch. I had only been getting more and more sleepy throughout our conversation, and I was increasingly unsure how long it would be until I just passed out. The pain in my hand only got incrementally worse, which was insane since it was already fucking awful before. “So why’d you come here, then?” I asked.

  She flapped her okay hand a couple times. “Uh… I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to show myself to my friends, but I didn’t want to like… be by myself. Like this. I’m sorry if it’s a bother, I should’ve asked, I guess I was just desperate.”

  “What? No, not at all. It’s alright. I get you.” My body shivered a couple more times as my sight started to wear out. All I wanted now was to make sure I didn’t wipe out before helping her get comfortable.

  “Aye, thanks buddy. Alright…” She said, stretching her legs as she slid back on the pillow behind her.

  “I have a bed you can sleep on.”

  “Oh. Wouldn’t you rather be there?”

  “Here, I’ll show you. It’s fine.” I guided her to my bedroom that I barely even went into, to show her a small bed. It could fit two people and that was it.

  She sat down, brushed off some crumbs and patted next to her. ”You look tired, dude. You can lay down, it doesn’t bother me much. I mean if you want to, I’d understand why you’d…” She took a deep breath. “Want some more space. I mean, I know this is your house, haha.” Her chest started heaving as she tried her best to pull in air once again. Whatever she had was much more frightening than mine considering that pretty much every sentence knocked the wind out of her. I tried not to worry too much about it as I thought about sleeping with her. I didn’t mind the idea of laying next to her, and I’ll admit, it was nice to have someone in the same position as me who wasn’t being so serious about this. I think the only thing that would’ve made this situation worse was someone freaking out over it in my face.

  I got into bed without saying a word and she pulled the blanket over me, then turned up to stare at the ceiling. The few seconds of silence were broken with a deep breath and a weak, shaky whisper.

  “Want a hug?” She asked.

  “Uh…” I turned my head to her and opened my numb mouth, waiting for the words to come out. But it fell back closed and said nothing at all. I hadn’t had anyone touch me in a long, long while, so I guess it was… odd to me. “I guess so.” I said, managing to drag the words out.

  She turned and wrapped her arms around me, patting my back. I wasn’t sure what to think as I squeezed her in return, my numbness starting to fade, along with time. She turned away a few seconds later, leaving me cold, but her body stayed cozy next to me.

  We both sat in eerie silence for the longest time. She hadn’t said another word, the only sound left being her hard breathing and wheezing. I didn’t know what time it was, or how long I was laying for. The ceiling only got blurrier over time, and a faint ringing in my ears quivered in and out. My body didn’t feel like it was anywhere, it was weightless and empty, and it only wanted to rest. My heart had been dug out of my chest, and an empty hole was all that was left with nothing beating inside of it to tell me I was present. Lux didn’t make a single noise after my heart was carved out. I wasn’t even sure if she was breathing anymore or if my ears were dead.

  But even in my dead state, my ears managed to find a shifting sound, as faint as someone whispering through a storm. I tried to tell myself it was a mere hallucination, and that my senses had already abandoned me. But my brain decided to ignore the lifeless thoughts whispering to me, trying to stop me. I did my best to stand with dizzy legs, curling off the side of the bed and onto the floor, as the whole world was rocking back and forth in a swaying blur that phased in and out. My legs could’ve gone out from underneath me at any moment, but I tread further out anyway, gripping the hole in my chest. The closet door had opened somehow, encouraging me to see what was inside. Inside were two bears, that somehow I could see clear as day, mine being one, and the other being Lux’s.

  I picked both of them up, my vision having a dreamy but somber filter over it as I tried to focus on their happy faces. His face was blooming with joy, ecstatic and fulfilled, shining through my once foggy stupor. It made my heart grow and destroyed every last inch of numbness that I’d held for so long now. He was okay… he was okay.

  “Why did you come back? So late?”

  The words faint and weak in the back of my mind, and I was unsure if I’d even spoken it out loud. Despite his radiant happiness, he still couldn’t speak a single word to me. But I held him close anyway without a care in the world, squeezing him as tight as I could. The most comforting, wonderful feeling that I’d been deprived of for so long spread through me once more. I made my way back and brought Lux’s to her, but she was completely asleep, barely making a sound.

  “I found her.” I whispered, but I was met with no response. It was somewhat lonely to hear no noise. I tucked the bear into her arms and laid back down, taking in a tired breath. As I tucked myself back under the blanket, right next to Lux, his resounding warmth stayed inside me, and not a single thought went through my mind other than him and his protection. Telling me I was happy, I was safe, I was cared for, I was healthy. The wind in my ears started to lull me into a deep sleepiness, and my vision faded into the sight of the radiant, prismatic stars I once looked at that twirled and spun in the far skies. The small twinkling diamonds made any last possible hints of hesitancy subside far away, letting it all fall into the depths of the sky below me. I could finally forever hold my best friend, embracing him closely throughout the whole night, us protecting each other together.

  Look at that, we can look at the stars together again.

  ——-