It was supposed to be a quiet morning.

  Ren was humming, the goat was asleep by the fireplace, and I was—somehow—at peace. I’d begun to accept this life of gentle insanity. Of daily wiping-downs, stolen vegetables, and casual emotional whiplash. I was even the porch sunbeams. A cursed blade basking in light like an old cat with bloodlust-induced arthritis.

  Naturally, that's when trouble knocked.

  Literally.

  A sharp rap on the door, three times. The kind of knock that belongs to people who iron their socks and alphabetize their enemies.

  Ren opened the door. Outside, a man stood there, tall and polished with immaculate boots and a gleaming breastplate. Hair so neat it could deflect arrows. He smiled like someone who’s been told he’s the protagonist in every room he walks into.

  “Greetings,” the man said. “I am Sir Marro of the Heroic Ascendancy Guild. We’ve heard of your… recent accomplishments.”

  Ren blinked, still holding a ladle. “The chickens?”

  “Yes,” Sir Marro said slowly, like it pained him to admit. “The, uh, As well as the bandit negotiation and—” he glanced at a scroll, “—emotional support initiatives in the local school district.”

  Ren smiled modestly. “I just try to help.”

  Marro cleared his throat. “Regardless, we believe you’re Hero material. We’d like to recruit you formally.”

  You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

  I, from my position on the mantle, began vibrating so hard the goat lifted her head.

  Finally. A threat.

  “Thank you,” Ren said sincerely, “but I don’t think I’m the right fit. I’m not much of a fighter.”

  “Nonsense!” Marro replied, stepping inside like this was a business meeting and not a breakfast. “You have the traits we value most—humility, sincerity, and inexplicably high Heart stats.”

  Ren set down his ladle. “I appreciate the offer, truly. But I’d rather stay here. Help people and Bake bread.”

  The knight’s smile faltered. Just a twitch, but enough.

  “You’re wasting your potential,” he said tightly.

  That’s when I activated.

  Not magically. Not violently. But

  I threw myself off the mantle.

  There was a loud thunk, a very dignified scream, and then silence.

  Marro stared down at me, while I hummed,

  Ren coughed. “Mister Glimmers does that sometimes. When he’s… shy.”

  “I’m pretty sure he tried to bite me.”

  Ren tilted his head. “Well, he’s very protective.”

  Marro collected his dignity like someone scooping water into a sieve. “Right. Well. Should you change your mind…” He placed a polished card on the table. “Contact us.”

  And then he left.

  Ren closed the door and picked me up from the floor. “That wasn’t very polite.”

  He sounded amused.

  I hummed again.

  He chuckled. “You’re not jealous, are you?”

  I made a sound that might’ve been a purr or a low-level death threat. Hard to say.

  Ren smiled softly and gave me a gentle polish with his sleeve. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”

  And for reasons I still do not understand, the notification that followed didn’t feel like a curse at all.

  [Bond Deepened: +2 Loyalty]

  [New Trait Unlocked: Possessive Weapon Syndrome – +5 to Threat Auras When Wielder is Approached by Other Affiliations]

  Possessive Weapon Syndrome.

  I’m not blushing.

  You’re blushing.

  Shut up!