I nded face-first in a bush, thorns scraping my very naked, very vulnerable skin. The air reeked of pine and something like burnt toast. Above, a purple sky swirled with two moons: one red, one blue. Fiol, clearly, didn’t do subtle.

  "Thanks a lot, Dataris," I muttered, spitting out a leaf. My body itched like I’d rolled in poison ivy, especially in pces I won’t mention. No clothes, no weapons, just me and my dumb decisions.

  A glowing screen popped up an inch from my nose. Welcome to Fiol, Crime Much! Open Status?

  "Much Crime," I growled, swiping the air. The screen flickered, corrected itself, and dispyed:

  Status: Much Crime

  Css: Knight of the Fair Lady

  Level: 1

  HP: 100/100

  MP: 50/50

  Strength: 10

  Agility: 8

  Intelligence: 12

  Endurance: 15

  Skills: Basic Heal (Lv. 1), Lady’s Grace (Lv. 1)

  Divine Gift: Victory Streak (+1 EXP per same-type kill, stacks to 30)

  Achievements: None (You’re not that pathetic… yet)

  "Victory Streak, don’t let me down," I said, dismissing the screen. My stats weren’t bad for level 1, but Lady’s Grace needed a chosen dy for buffs. No dy, no power. Cssic isekai garbage.

  Rustling nearby. I froze, crouching behind the bush. A rabbit hopped out, cute and fluffy, except for the dagger-sized horn on its head. Its beady eyes locked onto me. It snorted, pawing the ground.

  "Nice bunny," I whispered, backing away. It charged.

  I dove, thorns be damned, as the horn grazed my arm. HP: 95/100. "You’ve got to be kidding!" I yelled, scrambling up. The rabbit spun for round two. No weapons, no armor, just my brain and a body that hadn’t seen a gym in years.

  I grabbed a twig, barely a stick, and swung. The rabbit dodged, horn glinting. "Dataris, you owe me!" I shouted, sprinting through the forest. The rabbit gave chase, joined by two more. Victory Streak, do something!

  A clearing opened ahead, sunlight glinting off a stream. I vaulted over it, nding hard, and the rabbits stopped, unwilling to cross water. Panting, I checked my status: EXP +3 (Horned Rabbit x3, Victory Streak +1). No level-up, but I wasn’t dead. Small win.

  Then, a scream, high-pitched and human. Across the stream, a girl in a tattered dress stumbled, chased by a bear the size of a truck. It roared, waving, what, a machine gun? This world was nuts.

  "Help!" she shrieked, spotting me. Her bck hair whipped as she tripped, sprawling in the dirt.

  I sighed. "Knight of the Fair Lady, huh?" No choice. I ran toward her, twig in hand, and yelled, "Hey, bear! Pick on me instead!"

  The bear turned, gun swinging my way. I dove behind a rock as bullets sprayed, splintering trees. HP: 90/100. Shrapnel stung my leg. The girl crawled to me, wide-eyed. "You’re naked!" she gasped.

  "Focus!" I snapped. "I’m Much Crime. You?"

  "Sayaka," she stammered. "They took my vilge!"

  "Who’s ‘they’?" I asked, peeking at the bear. It was reloading, like a pro.

  "Witches," she whispered. "They summoned that thing!"

  Perfect. Witches, gun-toting bears, and me with a twig. I checked my skills. Basic Heal could patch us up, but Lady’s Grace needed a dy. "Sayaka, mind being my dy? Just for now."

  Her face went red. "W-what?!"

  "For the skill!" I said. "Buffs, healing, not a proposal!"

  She nodded, flustered. I activated Lady’s Grace, choosing Sayaka. A warm glow wrapped us, boosting my stats: Strength +5, Agility +5. The bear ditched its gun and charged. I hurled a rock at its eye. It roared, distracted, and I tackled Sayaka out of the way.

  "Run!" I yelled, dragging her toward the stream. The bear lumbered after us, slowed by the water. We reached the other side, colpsing in the grass.

  Achievement Unlocked: Bare Necessities (Survive a battle with no equipment). Reward: Basic Cloth Armor (Inventory).

  A ratty tunic and pants materialized. I equipped them, itching less but looking like a bum. Sayaka stared, catching her breath. "Are you a hero?"

  "Nope," I said. "Just an electrician who didn’t ask for this."

  A rustle in the bushes. I tensed, expecting another rabbit, but a woman stumbled out: blonde, drunk, in a witch’s hat. "Oi!" she slurred, waving a wand. "You the guy messing with my bear?"

  "Your bear shoots guns!" I shouted.

  She hiccuped. "Poko’s special!" Then she squinted at Sayaka. "You’re that runaway princess!"

  "Princess?" I gnced at Sayaka, who looked ready to bolt.

  Before I could ask, the witch raised her wand. Sparks flew, and the ground shook. "Time to sleep, hero!" she cackled.

  "Run. Again," I said, grabbing Sayaka’s hand.

  As we fled, I cursed Dataris, Fiol, and every isekai trope that dragged me here. But deep down? This chaos was kind of fun.