Well then. The wedding dress was torn in several places, and no one had bothered to fix it. Not even with some grass stitches.

  Well then. Osabi Gang Laden didn't have a priest or imam for his ceremony. Who needs those anyway, right?

  Well then. I had absolutely no desire to get married...

  Not one of the seventeen gathered daughters paid any attention to that last little detail. They were just thrilled to have another ceremony to attend. Because, you know, there wasn’t much else to do around here. You hunted, you ate, you slept, or you attended weddings. And what the bride wanted or didn’t want - who cared?

  Osabi Gang Laden solemnly approached the dried-out tree stump I was tied to. He’d even dressed up for the occasion—using a SpaceX kitchen towel as a makeshift cravat. His gut, still bursting from his tattered shirt, was on full, horrifying display.

  "Kim Kardashian, do you agree to become my faithful wife?" he asked, skipping any preamble.

  "Uh... hold on a sec," I tested the ropes. "Let me just call Kim real quick and pass along your proposal. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled—"

  He backhanded me across the right cheek. My vision whited out, tears springing instantly. I shook my head, still in disbelief.

  "Do you agree or not?" he repeated, piggy little eyes boring into me.

  "N...no," I jerked my shoulder.

  He swung again—this time hitting my left cheek. I gasped, probing my teeth with my tongue.

  Nice, fat pig. Show your daughters exactly what to expect from you...

  "You still think this is funny? We stand before the eyes of Allah, woman!" he growled, voice low and dangerous.

  "Really? Then tell Him to show up, because as an atheist, I’m not seeing any—"

  Another slap. Blood filled my mouth. I bit back a scream, only whimpering.

  "I like you," Gang Laden grinned. "All the others gave in after the first hit. You... I’ll break you slowly. You’ll see."

  He snapped his fingers, and two girls began untying me.

  "Now we go consummate our union on that sacred stone," he gestured to a fragment of the ship’s hull that nature hadn’t yet reclaimed.

  "Wha—? But I never said yes!" I struggled.

  "Of course you did. Don’t you know what a woman’s ‘no’ means?" He grabbed my wrist.

  "Do something!" I panicked, whipping my head toward Fatima.

  She just shrugged, adjusting the flowers in her hair. Then she pried my fingers off the branch I was clinging to. Gang Laden yanked, nearly dislocating my arm. The girls trailed behind us, giggling like this was some delightful picnic.

  "You should’ve just said ‘yes’ right away," Fatima whispered. "Father’s actually nice when you don’t resist."

  "Are you serious?!" I hissed through clenched teeth, digging my heels into the dirt in a last-ditch effort to delay the "ceremony." Gang Laden didn’t even notice. He forced me onto a wreckage and began tying me down, tongue lolling in anticipation.

  "Have you all lost your minds?!" I twisted toward the girls. "Don’t you realize he’ll do the same thing to you?!"

  In response, the teenagers squealed and clapped—all except Fatima, who watched Gang Laden through narrowed eyes. A terrible suspicion dawned: I was about to be thrown under the bus. Fatima wasn’t planning to share Ken with her sisters. She’d been taking notes from Daddy and was already scheming her own harem. A rotten apple doesn’t fall far...

  Gang Laden’s greasy fingers grabbed my wedding dress and impatiently yanked. Buttons and hooks flew. I guess that meant the next bride would have to go au naturel? Were they expecting Elon to send more dresses with the next mission? Maybe even a whole wedding cake?

  My thoughts raced from one absurd idea to another, anything to avoid the revolting reality. I wondered if my stomach could handle this. Perhaps I could vomit right into his beard if he tried to kiss me? That’d teach him...

  A deafening gunshot suddenly echoed under the alien ship's hull. Gang Laden squealed loudly, released my boob, and collapsed behind the wreckage. A few drops of blood splattered onto my face.

  "Nora?!" a familiar voice called.

  I turned my head in disbelief. Lara Barcroft was creeping forward cautiously, gripping a Desert Eagle in each hand and taking aim at the daughters frozen in shock.

  Lara? Here? Kilometers from the cave leading to our capsule? How had she even found this place?

  Aurora Tromp's blond bun peeked out from behind a fallen tree further back. The engineer wasn't advancing yet, calculating friendlies versus hostiles.

  "Sisters!" Fatima snapped out of her stupor first. The girl flipped a dagger in her palm, gripping it by the blade. Roused by her voice, the teenagers grabbed their weapons and turned as one toward Lara Barcroft.

  "Disarm her!" Gang Laden croaked from behind the wreckage. Apparently still alive.

  "Hello," Lara greeted cheerfully in her ditzy voice.

  Two .45 caliber cannons thundered in her hands, one after another. My ears rang from the hellish noise. The bodies of the nearest twelve and fourteen-year-old girls jerked from the impacts. One even spun from the force. Another spray of blood hit my face. Lara's aim had been surgical. Guess you don't need a high IQ for this.

  To my right came snuffling, wheezing noises. Gang Laden crawled like a cockroach deeper into the ship. Fatima must've noticed because she immediately shrieked at her sisters to retreat. Terrified by Lara's childlike ferocity, the teenagers scrambled after their father, leaving corpses behind.

  "Are you okay?" Barcroft asked, circling the wreckage cautiously. After verifying we were safe, she set her pistols down and perched on the debris like it was a park bench.

  "I don't even know..." I muttered, blinking back tears of relief. "How... how did you two find me?"

  "Followed the tracks," the blonde said as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

  After checking me over, Lara produced a knife and sliced through the ropes, her actions straight out of a thriller movie. You'd never guess this elegant head contained zero intellect...

  Leaning closer, she thumbed blood off my cheek. Before I could react, her lips were on mine and she hummed in pleasure. My body went rigid as a guitar string, hair standing on end.

  Lara Barcroft was kissing me. A woman was kissing me without my consent! Worse, Lara showed no intention of stopping, as if we were vacationing under an umbrella rather than surrounded by dinosaurs.

  Perhaps she'd confused me with Ken Celsey? Since her IQ was subzero, shit like that could happen... probably...

  "Damn, you two move fast," Aurora Tromp commented, approaching the wreckage. I twisted away from Lara's lips to see our engineer looking just as stunned as I felt. "How long has this been going on?"

  "What? No! It's not—"

  "I've loved Nora for ninety-three days," Lara counted aloud, still refusing to release me. "She's mine."

  "WHAT?!" I jerked back.

  A mistake. Spotting my open mouth, Lara dove in again, kissing me so hard my eyelashes curled.

  Since before the damn mission? Wait... that was two and a half months BEFORE launch, right after we first met!

  Suddenly all Lara's strange behavior made sense. The intense stares I'd mistaken for hostility were actually daggers at whoever stood near me. That's why she'd blushed when pinned against the wall. That's why she'd followed me like a puppy. I'd completely misread the situation.

  Despite my shock, my brain managed basic arithmetic: one ditzy blonde with twin .45 cannons beat one piggish Gang Laden any day.

  * * *

  The doors to Gang Laden's private prison finally swung open, releasing the women from previous SpaceX missions. But could someone call our situation "freedom?" We were still lurking in some ancient alien ship that, by some miracle, was still operational. The teenage girls and their degenerate terrorist father had scurried off to lick their wounds somewhere in the ship's depths. No hope of chasing them through unfamiliar territory unless Lara repeated her miraculous tracking trick.

  And apparently, Gang Laden had a kill switch capable of triggering a planetary-scale catastrophe.

  Personally, I had serious doubts about his artificial gravity claims. But when Aurora Tromp heard the report, she just tilted her head thoughtfully:

  "Artificial gravity? You know, that actually makes sense. No one considered that hypothesis before because we lacked data on such a catastrophe. Forget elephants and dinosaurs—with this discovery alone, we'll be famous. Scratch that, our names will be in future physics textbooks!"

  "Really?" I used my right hand to block Lara Barcroft's latest attempt to plant her lips on me. She hadn't stopped clinging to me for the past half-hour, demanding kisses. "But... what about that kill switch Gang Laden made? What if we leave and he decides to turn off the whole... gravity thing?"

  "You're sure he wasn't lying?" Aurora pressed. "Fine, let's say he has the switch. Why would he flip it? This entire underground bubble would collapse instantly under its own weight. Everything alive here would die, including him. Does he strike you as the suicidal type?"

  "The man believes in Allah," I shrugged. "And probably in all those virgins waiting for him. Hard to say."

  "He won't press any button," Dianne Sochko cut in. "Gang Laden just likes to talk. The man's a coward! When I was giving birth to his daughter, he sat pale-faced outside the tent reciting Arabic prayers. What a scumbag, let me tell you..."

  If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  Aurora studied the fuming woman for a few seconds, then leaned closer to me.

  "What do we do about them?" she whispered. "The capsule's rated for eight max. There are nine of us now! Plus Ken, of course."

  "Are you suggesting we leave them here with that pig?" I hissed.

  "No... I don't know. Theoretically, if we jettison the empty food and water containers, we might all fit. The capsule would descend faster, though. We'll need to adjust the balloon pressure at the end..."

  "See, you've got it all figured out," I patted Aurora's shoulder reassuringly. Then it hit me. "Wait... Ken? You left him alone in the capsule?!"

  "Not exactly," the engineer shook her head. "We forced him into a spacesuit, gave him the aluminum chair, and left him in the cave by the floodlights. I changed the lock code."

  "Oh thank god," I exhaled in relief. Ken would've demanded irrefutable proof we weren't possessed by local demons, and I had zero patience left. Not after Gang Laden's groping and attempted rape. Right now, my opinion of the entire male gender wasn't exactly stellar. No matter how pretty some of them might be.

  * * *

  Using her phenomenal bloodhound instincts, Lara led us all back toward home. Forget Elon's mission—none of us were thinking about sample collection or reports anymore. I still had my phone with two battery bars left, so I snapped some photos and took a video as we followed Lara, just in case anyone needed proof later. The jungle's symphony of screeches, growls, howls, and mysterious splashes held everything I needed.

  And the jungle surrounded us completely—even in the air.

  When we first emerged from the ship, I finally understood how Gang Laden's crew had settled here. Over millennia, nature had conquered every surface—vines and creepers first, then other vegetation climbing upward until the entire ship was entangled. Now those same vines stretched from the hull in vast, breathtaking bridges of foliage—some so wide they supported entire floating jungle islands. Even Gang Laden's ex-harem women seemed awestruck by the sight, all of us gaping at the panorama from the ship's rupture.

  "And all of this depends on one working alien lightbulb," Aurora Tromp sighed, nodding toward the glow at the ship's stern. "When it burns out, it'll be the saddest day in this cave's history."

  "Want to stay and babysit it? The bulb, I mean..."

  "Thanks, but no. Once we return home, Elon will make me a millionaire. No ecological disaster's keeping me here," Aurora said firmly. "Lara, you know the way?"

  "There," the blonde pointed without hesitation, crouching on one knee. Her finger aimed between two vegetation bridges, toward the distant end of the cavern where I recognized the rocky clearing—Vesley Bernulli's final resting place. From here, it looked tiny and nearly unreachable.

  "I don't mean to sound paranoid," Dianne Sochko rasped, "but do any of you have more firepower for this trip? If she's our only armed escort, our survival odds might not be... optimistic."

  Like the other ex-harem women, she'd noticed Lara's vacant stare and was now eyeing the twin Desert Eagles with naked greed.

  "Trust me, you don't want to do that," I rushed to defend my woman. "She only looks stupid. Her intellect is perfectly optimized for two tasks—pathfinding and crowd control. No bandwidth left for anything unnecessary."

  Aurora burst out laughing. Lara finally stopped scanning the jungle and blinked at me quizzically.

  "What?"

  "Nothing," I shook my head, smiling at her. "You're doing great."

  A childlike grin spread across Lara's face, and she immediately sidled closer, batting her eyelashes suggestively. I kissed her only because she was pretty and evoked no negative emotions. Positive ones either. Deep down, I still missed men, piggish as they might be. For now, I could sacrifice my lips for the greater good—until we reached the surface...

  "Hey, w-wait—pfh!" I grabbed Lara's shoulders as she lunged. Swear to god, she moved like the Energizer Bunny on steroids. One kiss and she was already going for my belt. Even hormone-crazed teenagers had more self-control.

  "You're SURE she'll protect us all?" Dianne eyed us skeptically.

  "D... don't worry, the situation's under control!" I nodded, holding the growling blonde at arm's length.

  * * *

  I was suffering from vertigo. I don't know if that's a real condition, but these vine bridges swayed dangerously with every step, threatening to send me tumbling. Never mind that we were still three steps from the edge and I couldn't even see the terrifying drop below. I felt sick.

  Aurora and the other women clearly felt the same—we moved painfully slow, pausing constantly to listen for jungle sounds. Only Lara seemed unaffected. I envied her blissfully ignorant single-brain-cell existence.

  "Hey, Aurora," I called to our engineer. I needed conversation to distract me from the damn abyss. "Do you think we should even tell people about this ship and the anti-gravity?"

  "Should we?" she gasped, fighting her own equilibrium. "Nora, there's nine of us here. Statistically, someone will talk. Do what you want, but the moment we land at SpaceX, I'm cashing my check and getting as far away as possible. Maybe to Israel."

  "Why—"

  "Because no one wants mass panic!" she cut in sharply. "Think about it. Every goddamn floating landmass depends on one tiny spaceship that had its last maintenance a hundred million years ago! How do you think people will react?"

  She took several deep breaths, steadying herself with a makeshift walking stick.

  "I don't know about you, but I want to be far from the chaos. Especially if 'patriots' decide to silence us 'for national security' or some other bullshit."

  For once, I forgot about the abyss below. Aurora's theory was terrifyingly plausible. How hadn't I considered this?

  "But... oh fuck," I mumbled, collapsing onto a thick root/vine hybrid. My head spun. Lara immediately backtracked to me, while Gang Laden's harem women visibly relished the break.

  "Exactly," Aurora smirked darkly at our group. "Want to live a little longer, ladies? Talk about dinosaurs and elephants when we get back. Keep the spaceship to yourselves. And pray Gang Laden doesn't nap on his 'kill switch.' That might buy us two, three years if we're lucky."

  "That's it?" Dianne Sochko blurted.

  "Elon won't abandon his 'Up to Earth's Core' program, especially after learning about this ecosystem. Worse—other nations will follow. Building an air balloon isn't rocket science. And when they start fighting over this ship, I plan to be ready for doomsday."

  "You'll make sure Israel will be the only one that doesn't fall?" I quipped.

  "Fuck Israel," Aurora snorted. "I'll buy the fanciest airship money can buy, hire a dozen lovers, and float between landmasses. If Gang Laden ever hits that button, at least I'll enjoy the apocalyptic view in style..."

  She didn't get to finish her fantasy—a spear came whistling from nowhere, piercing Aurora's chest and slamming her backward against the bridge's edge. A second later, the engineer vanished from our stunned sight with only a pained gasp.

  The next moment, Lara's body crashed into me. Her twin Desert Eagles blasted painfully over my ears.

  "It's him again with his whores!" Dianne shrieked.

  No need to wonder who these "whores" were. Only one native tribe existed here, and those girls knew the terrain far better than we did. I had no time to think—Aurora's impaled body still burned in my vision. Maybe by some miracle, she'd survived? Maybe she was hanging onto a vine right now, waiting for a hand? I had to check...

  "Stop squirming!" Lara hissed through clenched teeth, and I stopped pushing her off. Two deafening gunshots followed. Her elbows jerked from the recoil, digging into my ribs. I gasped, then inexplicably giggled. A concussed panic-laughter.

  The gunshots echoed off the cavern walls. Awakened wildlife filled the air with shrieks.

  "And where exactly do you think you're running?" Gang Laden's roar cut through. "Don't say I've been an inhospitable host! Irina? Diana, isn't it time to stop this foolishness? Turn around and come home! Let's forget this little misunderstanding!"

  "Is he serious?" I whispered, struggling to contain hysterical laughter.

  Finally, I peeked over the gnarled root where Lara had pinned me. Just half a step away yawned the most terrifying abyss, its distant floor carpeted in green. The chasm was webbed with hanging vines. I forced myself to focus past the vertigo. Yeah, nope. Aurora was gone.

  Gang Laden's gang lurked on a floating island barely thirty steps away. A chunk of jungle hung suspended like a canary in a cage, anchored by at least six swaying bridges. Worse, their perch hovered slightly above ours.

  "Those who surrender in the next twenty seconds will be welcomed back with love and today's freshest delicacies!" Laden announced.

  I snorted. Lara shot me a concerned look.

  "Shove those delicacies up your fat ass!" Irina Bezukha retorted.

  No, she hadn't been that polite. I'd mentally censored her actual curses. At least the ones I understood.

  "Wait, Irochka..." One woman suddenly rose from cover. "Maybe we should hear him out? You heard it—we won't all fit in the capsule anyway. Someone has to stay... I... I surrender, okay?"

  "What are you doing?!" Dianne grabbed her arm.

  "I surrender! Let go!"

  "Have you lost your mind?! This is our first real chance to escape in years!"

  "But he promised..."

  Another spear whistled through the air. Lara Barcroft jerked above me, scanning viciously for the thrower. The would-be surrenderer shrieked and flattened herself against the ground.

  "Hey, I was serious about surrendering!" she wailed toward the island. "What are you doing? Adiva, Amalija, I'm your mother!"

  "And an excellent target, Mother!" came the icy reply. "That intruder shot Amalija! Take the spear and stab her, then we'll talk about your homecoming!"

  "Stupid girl!" A slap echoed through the jungle, followed by a muffled squeal. Gang Laden clearly disapproved of his daughters' initiative. "You gave them a fucking weapon! Now we'll have to finish them all off!"

  "No! It's just one spear, Father—"

  Another slap.

  "You don't contradict me, imbecile! Understood?!"

  "Aim only for Gang Laden," I whispered to Lara. "Take him out and the rest will scatter. They're just dumb teenagers."

  "Who's Gang Laden?" Lara blinked.

  "The man," I sighed. "The only man in their group!"

  "Oh... okay. But I still can't see him," she bit on her lip.

  "Then shoot toward his voice!" I hissed, seeing red.

  I wanted to strangle Gang Laden myself—to squeeze his neck until only a bloody spine remained in my grip. Then I'd hunt down every last stupid girl and push them off the island one by one, letting them comprehend the meaning of life on their way down.

  "Why are you mad at me?" Lara's concerned voice pulled me from my bloody fantasies.

  "I'm not—goddammit!" I growled in frustration. "Not mad at you, okay? I just really want Gang Laden dead. Understand?"

  "Of course, I'm not stupid," Lara beamed, her eternal cheer returning. "You want him dead, so I'll shoot him dead!"

  "Not even World War IV could kill your vibe, huh?" I muttered, studying her childishly pure face.

  "What?" She blinked at me.

  "Never mind. Focus on Gang Laden's head. If you hit him, I'll... oh fuck it. I'll kiss you for a whole week if you make the shot."

  The right motivation for the right soldier. Motivate and inspire, Nora!..

  Lara Barcroft's face split into the widest grin I'd ever seen. I felt ants crawling up my spine. I'd clearly overpromised. But that was a problem for Future Nora.

  Clutching both pistols tighter, Lara squinted and tuned into Gang Laden's muffled voice—the bastard was still berating his daughters, trying to reclaim his shattered "manhood."

  Taking careful aim, she slowly squeezed the trigger. BANG!

  The green thicket echoed with the terrorist's startled yelp. A moment later, it became painfully clear he remained both alive and pissed.

  "Kill them all!" Gang Laden screeched. "Send every whore to Shaitan!"

  Bushes rustled, and a dozen arrows whizzed into the air. They arced gracefully before raining down toward our makeshift barricade.

  "Fall back!" Dianne screamed.

  The women scrambled from cover, ready to bolt. Before the first arrows even landed, another volley fired straight at their fleeing backs. Lara lazily raised both Desert Eagles and plucked two arrows midair like she was swatting flies. A few found their marks—one harem woman dropped instantly, another took an arrow to the leg. More screams, more curses.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw massive wings flickering disturbingly close.

  "Get off!" I tried shoving Lara again. We needed to run—somewhere with actual cover. Every instinct shrieked that someone was about to lose their head, Vesley Bernulli-style.

  "Not yet!" Lara ignored me. "Just a moment..."

  Another arrow volley hissed through the air. I barely jerked my head aside—one grazed my ear before thudding into the ground. Lara exhaled sharply and batted away a second arrow with her pistol barrel. Then she grabbed me by the collar and flipped us both over the bridge's edge—straight into the abyss.

  "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND?!" was the only thought spinning through my head. Now we'd definitely splatter against the ground and become breakfast for some saber-toothed tiger—one that wouldn't even need to tenderize us into woman-paté...

  I didn't get to voice this brilliant monologue because a second later, we slammed into something semi-soft and swaying. Lara's iron grip seized my collar.

  "SKREEEEE!" An outraged shriek erupted right under us as our "landing pad" shuddered violently beneath me. I glanced left—a massive wing beat the air furiously. To my right, another did the same, while something long and scaly thrashed near my feet.

  "SKREEEEEEE!" The creature screeched even louder when Lara grabbed a fistful of neck feathers and yanked hard. Suddenly, I was flipped onto my back as Lara straddled my stomach, gripping the flying dinosaur's ears like handlebars. All I could do was gape in terror and surrender to the ride—this was not my element, my profession, or my problem.

  Wait... no, it was my problem, but I really wished it wasn't.

  "Oh god, we're gonna die!" I screamed as the creature lurched midair.

  Lara didn't respond, fully focused on "steering." Since when did she know how to pilot dinosaurs? Was this some innate idiot talent buried deep in her brain where no intellect could reach?

  Our living transport lurched again, weaker this time. Over Lara's shoulder, I saw Gang Laden's island rapidly shrinking. One problem down.

  On the other hand, another winged predator was closing in fast. Wings spread wide and talons ready. It looked like a pterodactyl, if pterodactyls were feathered and packed with razor teeth. As it dove toward us, the damn thing opened its beak and screeched a war cry.

  Lara drew a pistol and fired blindly over her shoulder. I barely had time to shut my eyes—no way to plug my ears. Two deafening shots later, the predator snapped its beak shut mid-scream and frantically retracted its talons. Its eyes rolled back, wings spasmed, and down it went like a sack of bricks.

  Lara carefully holstered the gun and snapped the clasp shut.

  "Nine rounds left," she noted to herself.

  All I could do was stare at my hero, utterly speechless.