7.
Sports glossary: Bunny. An opponent you always beat. 'City are Spurs' bunnies.'
***
Red Army is a hard-hitting Wrexham AFC podcast, unique in that club's media ecosystem since criticism of Ryan Reynolds is rife. The podcast has a Discord server open to its Patreon supporters. One of the channels on the server is called ABOB.
***
Sunday Feb 1
ButteryCrumpets
Chester don't have a midweek game so our focus turns to Carlisle United at home on Saturday.
Their previous encounter was match 8 in September when Chester were on their losing run. Chester lost two-nil to leave them rock bottom of the table.
Stoop
That was around the time Dylan made friends with Best. We made this channel soon after.
ButteryCrumpets
Right.
Carlisle we know spent big in the summer. This January they've lost their loan players who were doing well for them. That to me seems like a blow but they've got a couple of new lads in, this time from Bournemouth. Anyone got time to go digging for info about Hatton and Twentyman?
Stoop
I'm on it.
ButteryCrumpets
Appreciated.
As for Chester, they have bought an injured goalkeeper (ahem: lol) and Charlie Dugdale, both from Reading. Best has essentially spent his Man United windfall on those two, plus he got a couple of young lads from United who he has loaned out.
The keeper, Swan, looks an upgrade on their current clown, but won't play for at least another month (lol).
Looking at Dugdale's numbers, he's quite tasty. Last season was relatively poor, he's had injuries this season, but a few years ago he was regarded as extremely promising and was doing assists for days. I wonder what happened to him? If anyone has time to go digging in the Reading forums, that could be worthwhile.
BeardedWonderwall
Carlisle are eight points ahead of Chester and have slightly better form over the last five matches. They have one of the meanest defences in the league and their away matches are low-scoring affairs. I'm looking at the Goals Under 1.5 market.
Saint Derfel
Hi, I'm new to the world of betting. Can you explain that one?
BeardedWonderwall
No problem! And welcome to the party!
Basically, if you think a match will be low-scoring or high-scoring, you can use the Goals Over/Under markets. Your betting platform will have the odds. Let's say you bet Chester vs Carlisle will have under 1.5 goals. (It's always point 5, by the way.) Chester win one-nil, Carlisle win one-nil, it's a goalless draw, in those three scenarios, you win! If there are two or more goals, you lose.
Saint Derfel
I've been lurking in this channel for a while but it seems like Chester matches have a lot of goals.
BeardedWonderwall
That's right so we wouldn't normally be interested in that sort of bet but in September a rampant Best played against Carlisle and ran into a brick wall. I re-watched the highlights this morning and it was Best storming around taking long shots and getting frustrated. In the interviews after, he was giving it the thousand-yard stare answering in a monotone until he just laughed and said 'yeah they're good'. The interviewer wasn't asking him about Carlisle. The questions were all about him getting sacked and did he feel under pressure. Obviously he was mechanically answering but what he was really thinking about was Carlisle. An unprompted 'yeah they're good' is the kind of detail we obsess over around here.
ButteryCrumpets
Some teams have a kind of hoodoo over others. Chester have been tearing up the divisions but there's usually one team that beats them home and away. I remember York City was one. Barnet was another. Mansfield just did it. Carlisle could be next.
BeardedWonderwall
Some odds to digest. Chester are eleven to ten. Draw is twenty-eight to eleven. Carlisle are fourteen to five.
Saint Derfel
Um...
BeardedWonderwall
Heh. I'll explain it.
Eleven to ten means if you bet ten pounds, you get eleven.
Saint Derfel
That sounds... shit?
BeardedWonderwall
Yeah most bets are. What we're looking for is a bet where we think the bookies have got it wrong. They don't make many mistakes but when they do, we pile in.
Saint Derfel
Got it. This is a quality game, not quantity.
BrokenGround
Lads! Don't place any bets yet. I'm spending the day with Best.
ButteryCrumpets
Result! Perfect. It's Sunday morning so that means... northern powerhouse?
BrokenGround
Yes. But he's doing loads of meetings and shit at the same time. He's worked hard enough recently, he says. He wants to take his girlfriend up north.
Stoop
Ooh, matron!
BrokenGround
Shut it, pervert.
I'll write it up tomorrow and we'll see what we can make of it. So far it's not the usual levels of bonkers but there's lots to chew on.
BeardedWonderwall
Looking forward to it!
***
Monday, February 2
TexanWrexun
Hey fellas, I'm new around here. Been enjoying all the Wrexham chat. I'm really into squad-building so the transfer rumor channel is right up my alley.
Stoop
Ooh, matron!
TexanWrexun
Also loved having the match discussion thread up while I had the game on my TV. I appreciate the injury reports, the women's team channel, the general banter. I don't quite understand what's going on here, though. I apologize if this question might be unwelcome and stupid but aren’t Chester the enemy? Why are there two channels dedicated to Max Best?
Stoop
One is where we laugh at him.
This is where we suck on his teat.
BeardedWonderwall
Holy crap I always need to wash my eyeballs after reading your comments.
Don’t be put off by the pervert, TW. Everyone’s welcome here.
What this channel is about is that, much as we wish it isn’t so, Max Best is a maverick genius and the betting markets haven’t quite worked that out yet. He breaks data models and can end up being beaten on every metric in a two-nil win. Some data nerds think he's amazing, some say he's overperforming and he's bound to revert to the mean.
Best attacks certain phases of matches and if we know what they are we can get bets on and cash out when the markets swing. The games are easy to find on TV these days and if you see him start prowling like a caged tiger that's when you want to be piling in.
We are rolling in coin from well-judged bets. We have a man on the inside who gets snippets of info from the man himself and those around him. He spent all day with Best yesterday and he's going to type it up and we'll turn into Kremlinologists. (Meaning we'll try to get the hidden meanings of what Best is saying and doing.)
It is traditional to mock Chester’s bad results but do be aware those defeats tend to be costing us money so we keep that to a minimum in here. Such content is more than welcome in LALAC.
SummerhillBill
If you're worried this channel is disloyal, I personally take some solace in the fact that the Jester fans themselves don't seem to realise what they've got and while they are whinging on their shitty forums, the profits are going to switched-on Reds.
Sometimes we pile on against Jester based on hints that Best is rotating the team heavily. Those are my favourites...
TexanWrexun
I thought it was Always Bet ON Best
BeardedWonderwall
If he thinks he can’t win a match, we’re betting on him to be right. If Chester have three games in a week he normally picks two for his full-strength side and in the third he plays the kids. If we can work out which game he's binning off, we can cash in. It does involve getting to know him which has the unfortunate side effect of making you enjoy his antics.
TexanWrexun
I don’t think this is the channel for me. You folks have a nice time! I’ll see you in the pro Reds sections
Stoop
No probs! Go well, fella.
Just a heads-up, guys. Hatton and Twentyman are nothing special. There's barely any buzz about them on the Bournemouth forums.
***
BrokenGround
Right. It's Best o'clock.
I'm going to race through this with a bit less detail than normal because it was quite frantic and I'm more worried about forgetting something key than getting all the conversations spot on.
Stoop
You're amazing at remembering the details, Dylan. You're like Alan Bennett.
BrokenGround
I've lost my train of thought already. Alan Bennett who played for Wimbledon? What's he got to do with anything?
As for what you're about to read, bear in mind I was my usual bewildered self but I did try to get some goss about the Carlisle match, but I had a suspicion Best might be chattier about Fleetwood, who they've got in a couple of weeks. I was right about that.
RetiredRed
I do love how you've got so subtle with all this. You're the Best whisperer.
BrokenGround
After 3R's last match - a glorious victory against 104 Reg! - Best asks for volunteers to help him with the Northern Powerhouse. For the new guys, that's his project to scout every young player in north Wales and get the cream of the crop playing together from an early age. We're all into it, even the Cards, but Best misunderstands our enthusiasm.
'Put your hands down. I can't pay,' he says. He gave us a hundred quid each the first time. 'I mean, I can, I just don't want to. My offer is free scran at Bumpers and you get to help the Welsh national team.' We put our hands up again. 'Wow, that's awesome. Erm, tell you what, why don't you all come? All my best coaches will be there; I'm doing extra sessions with some of my lads.'
'At the weekend?'
'Yeah,' he says, thoughtfully. 'Special training doesn't have to be Monday to Friday, does it? I mean, it's clear that the special training is working so I need to maximise it. Cole during the week, obvs, but I'm torn between Dan and Tockers for the weekend. Dan won't get much first-team action in the next weeks so he could do more training. But if I boost Tockers that'll help him get up to the standard faster.'
I go, 'What are you talking about?'
'I'm explaining why I'm combining the Northern Powerhouse event with extra training for my squad players. What it means is I need a few of you guys to help the coaches move the kids from drill A to drill B and make sure lunch doesn't turn into a free-for-all. And, like, shuttle the goalies to and from Bumpers and be on hand in case there's a medical problem and all that. But if loads of you come we can rotate you around and while some of you are helping, some of you can join in with the special drills and maybe we can finish with a five-a-side match against the best under seventeens.'
'Won't we slaughter them?' says Fatso.
'Er, no. They'll annihilate you. It'll be fun, though, won't it? Some of them might end up playing for Wales. Dylan will be telling people, yeah that Jones fellow, he nutmegged me six times in a row, so he did.' Best's Welsh accent has got worse somehow.
Okay that was the setup. Yesterday morning we rock up at Bumpers and have breakfast. The sign with Best's resolutions is gone. I ask Jojo about it and she says yeah it didn't take. We have a good laugh at that. Lovely woman, she is. The lads shuttle down to Saltney and we see there are four coaches. Team buses, I should say in order to be clear because there are hundreds of football coaches, including Peter Bauer. It's his last day at Chester. Sandra Lane is back. She's tired and happy and jokes that she has 'baby brain' because she can't remember when she agreed to help Best with his mad external projects. I think she's so keen to get back into footy she can’t wait even a day. She has missed it.
Best has done a few of these northern powerhouse mornings and it's a lot more organised than last time I was there. Gwen from the Welsh FA is hands-on, running the event according to a timeline she and Best have been working on. Her daughter Mari is helping and she loves bossing the young men around. I get a glimpse of the clipboard Gwen is carrying and the plan for the day is quite detailed. It's very much group A goes to zone 1 at 10 am, moves to zone 2 at quarter past, and so on. She sees me being nosy but she doesn't mind. I ask what the different colours on the timeline mean and she explains. The only interesting one is the blue around the last section.
'That's time for Max to get silly. Normally he likes to finish with what he calls "Ultimate Champion of the World" which is a short-sided match between the best players, but he likes the idea of trying something mad.'
'At least his madness can be scheduled.'
She smiles. 'Sometimes.'
'Today he'll probably get the best kids to play against 3R. That's what he was thinking on Wednesday, anyway.'
'Oh,' she says, making a note. 'That's good to know so we can get ahead of the social media angles. I'll check if he's still on that. Thanks.'
All right so you get the idea. It's still mad but there aren't quite as many kids as last time and there are more coaches, admins, and helpers. It's very smooth. If you're one of those kids you're moving from drill to drill and you've just got to be in football heaven. I'll skip to the end and say Best picks out a goalie and five outfielders who give us an absolute pasting in a six-a-side match. He publicly tells us off for ruining the event - Gwen intervenes to explain to the parents of the kids that he's joking - and then he sets up what he calls "The Ultimate Ultimate Champion of the World" final final, which is the best six players against the EIGHT next best. Best manages the six; it's closely fought but the eight win.
All of that maybe could have been in LALAC but now we get to the stuff that's relevant for Chester's season.
In one part of the pitch a bunch of players are doing Best's special training; I hang out there as much as I can. The coaches rotate in and out of the Northern Powerhouse event, so there are times this group do defensive drills with Peter Bauer, technique work with Well In, pressing stuff with a lovely guy called Clive O'Keefe, more technique work with a guy with a crazy deep voice called Ray, duels with Jackie Reaper, and even some Bestball drills run by Pascal.
In this 'special needs' group is Youngster, which surprises me since he played the day before and patently doesn't need a boost but I realise he's there to support his mate Vincent Addo. They played in the under-20 World Cup together. Vincent's a cheeky little so-and-so but he has a great smile and you can't stay mad at him. He doesn't look that good a player to me but what do I know?
There's a Brazilian kid everyone calls Tockers. Seems to be a nice lad but again, not an impressive player. He was in one of those snoods. Remember years ago there was a craze of foreign players wearing those in the winter? They got banned, I think. The English like it when foreigners are cold.
Michael and Noah Harrison were there. Saltney have three lads from Tranmere on loan and two were in the group. Wise-cracking Scouse lads having a blast, giving cheek to Max Best, vying for his attention.
Remember those lads Chester signed from Man United? Adam Summerhays and Alfie Clitheroe. They were on the bench a couple of times but didn't play, then got loaned out to Macclesfield. They're invited to this session and seem to enjoy it. In a break I ask if they're happy to get loaned out as soon as they rock up at the club. Alfie's the chatty one and I can't do his Manc accent but basically he says Best sat them down with their parents and Ryan Jack and said because they can't play in the Youth Cup and because Best is gunning super hard for the next ten games there aren't going to be many minutes this season and they should get some first team minutes in them. Macclesfield is close to where they live, it's a good club, and it's the right level.
They're full-time at Macclesfield in the morning, training with the under-eighteens at Chester in the evening, being invited to some of Best's weird stuff, so they feel part of things. They're happy.
BeardedWonderwall
Okay he's going hard at the next ten matches! That's the money shot right there!
ButteryCrumpets
Right. No minutes for kids means no more fucking last-minute equalisers.
I knew I should have cashed out!
Saint Derfel
How does cashing out work?
ButteryCrumpets
Let's say you've bet on, I don't know, Chester to beat Gillingham. Chester are winning two-nil and you're well on the way to making a hundred quid. You get a notification on your phone. Cash out now for seventy quid! You can go into the app and take the money. You're leaving thirty quid on the table if Chester go on to win... but if Chester fucking blow it you're up seventy.
Saint Derfel
Okay so it's not just set and forget. You need to be on your toes.
ButteryCrumpets
You don't have to. It gets stressful being wired all the time so sometimes I turn off the notifications for a few weeks. To me, all this is a bit of a lark and like the ad says, when the fun stops, stop. When Best starts a match and goes to town on some poor goalie for twenty minutes, THAT'S fun and the betting company algorithms don't seem able to realise he subs himself off in the first half so after he's done the damage but while he's still on the pitch is a great time to cash out. It doesn't happen very often, though.
BrokenGround
Anyone who's got an app that lets you build bets like 'no defeats in the next ten games' or anything like that, could be worth looking into.
Right, so anyway we've got a bunch of Saltney and Chester lads doing drills and it's mad because every now and then Best will jog over with a big smile on his face going 'Tockers! I saw that! Yes yes yes!' or 'Adam, I don't want you working too hard on your finishing!' He's got eyes in the back of his head for real.
Peter Bauer is on a break and he goes to Best all excited. He's got a list of five outfield players he thinks are the ones Best will choose for the final match. Best reads the list and he's really happy. 'Three out of five! Talk about leaving on a high.' He points to two names. 'We call those Fool's Gold. Good today but with a low ceiling.'
I've heard so much of this kind of thing and I've spent the whole morning surrounded by people who think whatever Best says is right. I mean, I know that's the whole point of this channel but sometimes it feels cloying and I get hot under the collar. 'How do you know?' I say. 'Peter's just as good as you. And he's not a dick about it.'
Best laughs. 'I have an AI computer that tells me who's good.'
I've heard that so many times it has become another trigger. 'You talk about this computer all the time. It seems to be running the club.'
'It kind of is.'
'Can we see it?'
'Nah, it’s quantum.'
'What does that mean?'
'It means if you look at it, it isn’t there.' Best thinks this is hilarious and he's about to wander off having "won the conversation" but both Sandra Lane and Henri Lyons turn up. Henri's girlfriend, Luisa, arrives too but she goes to say hi to Tockers. Apparently, they met in Brazil and she's helping him get settled in the UK.
Stoop
Mmm. Or she's helping him get unsettled.
BrokenGround
That doesn't even mean anything. Pipe down, we've got some good shit coming.
I'm doing what I often do when Best has wound me up - I'm scanning the area for threats. I think it's because if anyone is going to kick the shit out of him, it should be me. I miss the initial small talk but it turns out that Henri picked up a knock against Mansfield and the physio won't let him play for a few weeks.
Best is delighted. 'That's the best-timed injury in the history of sports!'
'Why?' I say.
'I was thinking of doing some 4-1-4-1 in the next few matches and that's great if you've got two strikers but if three are fit you're going to get loads of manbabies whinging non-stop. And Henri will only miss a couple of games. The same injury in April, he'd miss four or five. No, it's good.' He looks at his mate. 'Take Luisa to a spa. I'm going to this new place in Scotland for a few days; I'll let you know if it's good.'
Henri smiles but gets a worried air. 'What about... the thing we discussed? It must be nearly time. Does this set me back very much?'
Best is confused, but not for long. 'Oh! You are close, yeah. Tantalisingly so. Um... definitely March.'
'March?' says Henri, with a boyish smile. I have no clue what they're talking about but his smile causes a domino effect - Sandra then Peter then me. 'I have worked hard.'
Best leans forward. 'Can you feel it?'
'Yes,' says Henri. 'This is the best I have ever played. The best I have ever felt. This is how it was meant to be. I want it to continue.'
'It will.'
'At Chester,' says Henri.
Best loses some of his excitement. 'Hmm,' he says.
I've had enough of their mystery. 'What's going on?'
Best won't say because it's private - he has some limits - but Henri explains (to some extent). 'Max wants me to join a new club next season. One that can pay me the market rate. He thinks I should be rewarded for my service. I agree but I also want to create more memories.'
'Not many memories if you start five matches the whole season,' mumbles Best.
Peter says, 'To what extent are you willing to let Max guide your career?'
Henri looks up. 'To a great extent.'
Sandra says, 'I must say, Henri, I don't agree with Max on this one. I'll be happy for you to stay and I don't think, ah, your next club is quite the destination Max thinks it is.' She was so close to saying the name of the club!
Best turns to me. 'Dylan, would you prefer to start five matches in League One and have everyone call you washed up or score thirty goals in League Two and everyone calls you "The One Max Best Let Get Away"? Do you want to exist or do you want to flourish?'
'The second one.'
He taps me on the chest. 'You like a flutter, don't you? Put a decent wedge on Henri to be top scorer in League Two next year.'
'Really?' says Henri.
'The team will be set up to play to your strengths. I've got a bit of a crazy idea. Five out-of-contract players who are absolutely too good for League Two but would struggle in League One. They sign a one-year contract at club X. Club X wins League Two. Bosh! The same five players, now free agents, then sign for club Y, an ambitious League Two club. They win the league. Bosh! Rinse and repeat. It'd be like a band of mercenaries for hire. You're guaranteed to win League Two if you stump up enough cash for this group. Ruth could be the agent for the five until they age out of it. It'd be hilarious and unfair and not a bad story, either.' Best smiles at Sandra's dubious face. 'One of the reasons I'm going to Scotland is to clear my mind. I'm getting itchy and restless and I'm coming up with mad schemes. Unless I find inner peace in Dumfries, there are going to be some big changes around here next season. I'm feeling radical.'
Sandra tilts her head. 'You know you don't own... that club you're talking about.'
'That's right,' smiles Best. 'That's why they can afford Henri.' The Frenchman beams and I'm pretty sure he'll go where Best suggests. I'm not quite sure what Best is going to get out of the deal but there's a rare example of an actual tip straight from the horse's mouth. Next season's top goalsman in League Two! Got to be fifty to one at a minimum. My only complaint is the payoff is so long in the future. We won't get paid until the end of next season! Who has the patience for that?
ButteryCrumpets
Me.
But lads, we can't all pile on or it'll get flagged as a suspicious betting pattern. Anyone who wants to get in on that one, DM me. I'll get the bets together and do one big stake so that there's only one madman instead of twelve guys in a conspiracy.
BrokenGround
Yes, anything that stops the betting companies flagging Best, that's good for us. Especially me!
Back to the event. Peter gets called by Gwen because he's due back in the coaching rotation.
Henri watches him go and says, 'Max, how do you feel about Peter leaving?'
Best sighs and looks down for a few seconds. 'Can't win them all. In a way it's good he won't be at Bumpers tomorrow.'
I go 'Why?' because that seems like my role in life.
Best gets cheeky. 'Because if he's not there he won't realise I've been lying to him.'
'About what?' says Henri.
Best looks around. 'All this defensive training we've been doing. I told Peter it's to help us when we play a Prem team next, and that's true, sort of, but actually it's for this season. What he's been teaching us is how to hold a defensive line at the edge of the box - literally using the penalty box line as the offside trap - while having pressing midfielders nearby and when we turn the ball over, how to quickly move the ball away from danger. Perfect for what we needed against Newcastle and Man U, right? But we're going to do it against Carlisle, too.'
'We are?' says Sandra.
'Yes. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't get my winter break or if I was hitting the cheese too hard but I've come up with a concept for how to play the big matches the rest of this season. We've got Carlisle, Fleetwood, Burton, and Cambridge. Notts County and MK Dons could be tricky, too, but my focus is on those four big, big games against playoff rivals. Dylan, how many points do you get for a win?'
'Three.'
'Three points for a win.'
Henri goes, 'Oh, no.'
Best grins. 'We're going to defend the edge of our box and push our strikers as far forward as the other team are defending.'
Sandra shakes her head. 'There will be too much space. It'll be wide open. It'll be basketball.'
Best gives her a super-slow motion punch in the arm. 'That's why it's called Heart Attack Football.'
'Holy shit,' I say. Even just the name gets my juices flowing. Best looks from Henri to Sandra and their expressions amuse him. He shrugs. 'It's three points for a win. Two wins is better than four draws.'
'And the rest of the fixtures?' says Sandra.
Best gets a rueful look and he sighs. 'Just your normal absolute mastery of positional play. Boring, basic, tedious wins. Meh.'
'And no kids on the bench.' What's astonishing about this statement is that it comes from me. Best freaks out, looks around in a frantic way. He's trying to work out how I know that.
'Dylan, can you get me a Twix?'
Sandra tuts. 'Don't be passive aggressive, Max. If you want him to go, be nice about it.' I give her a grateful smile, but there's something weird going on in that head of hers. I see her agonise over something. 'Really want a Twix now, Dylan. Fuck.'
I laugh. 'I'll get you a Twix. No problem.'
She takes my arm. 'Let's go together.'
DubaiGuy
Ugh. Guess what I have a sudden craving for.
ButteryCrumpets
Crumpets?
I like Sandra Lane. She sounds really down-to-earth. Must be hard for her, that job.
Okay, well, another few interesting tidbits there. Four, maybe six fixtures where he's going to open the game up. End-to-end football, loads of goals. That's what he's talking about, right?
DubaiGuy
Unless the other teams restrain themselves and do not fall into his trap.
ButteryCrumpets
Why wouldn't they? They're going for promotion so they need wins as much as Chester. Of the ones he mentioned, Notts County are the only team not really close to the playoff spots but they don't know how to defend so they'll love it. If I'm managing a playoff team I'm conservative in matches against my rivals and so are the other managers but if someone says here's my barely-defended goal, come and browse, I think I'm gonna check it out.
I'm getting very frisky thinking about Goals Above 1.5 against Carlisle. Neither the away team nor the bookies will be expecting anything radical to happen.
Saint Derfel
Do we need to collate these bets? Into one big pot I mean.
ButteryCrumpets
No, Derfel. If we're doing normal bets like we always do, it's fine. The bookies might detect a slightly above average interest in one particular bet but that happens all over the country all the time. Forums, Facebook groups, WhatsApp chats, some mob pile into one position. That's normal. What's not normal is twenty Welshmen all deciding Henri Lyons is going to be League Two top scorer... next season! For an unknown club!
Saint Derfel
I get you.
I might have a cheeky go on this one. I've got the app. I'll try to work it out. Can I ask questions if I can't get my head around it?
ButteryCrumpets
DM me. You might have to poke around to find the over/under bets.
Saint Derfel
Thanks.
Is there a way to bet on Henri Lyons not playing?
ButteryCrumpets
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
No. It's useful to know because it means Dazza or Foquita to score the first goal becomes a more attractive bet.
Saint Derfel
I see. That Foquita looks a handful. I'm seeing him as four to one to score first against Carlisle. If I bet twenty pounds I'll get eighty back, is that right?
BrokenGround
You'll get a hundred back but that includes the twenty you put in. But hold off on the goalscorer bets! I've got a bit more info. Just need to do my stretches. It'll take half an hour. Soz not soz - it's my job.
TaranMellt
While Dylan's away there I've been thinking. Chester are going to attack Carlisle, Fleetwood, and Burton, aren't they?
Teulu
I thought he was saying he would do a low block. I didn't understand the reactions.
DubaiGuy
It's not a low block. It's a low defensive line intended to draw the opposition onto you to stretch the game. Have you seen those games where there's a goal kick and every single outfield player is in one tiny square? Best wants to do the opposite. He'll make his defenders stand deep. What the opposition should do in that case is push their defenders all the way to the halfway line, but if they do that, Bochum, Roberts, and Best himself if he plays are going to chase balls over the top and there will be carnage.
Carlisle will have a mid-block, meaning their defenders will be between the penalty box and halfway while their strikers will want to push up to Chester's defensive line. As Sandra Lane said, it could end up looking like basketball. One side attacks, loses the ball, moves up the pitch quickly because the oppo are spread out and there's no structure, then it's an attack versus defence drill leading to a goal or an attack for the other team.
Heart Attack Football indeed.
Teulu
Ohhh!
TaranMellt
Heh. Exactly. So it could get absolutely crazy but one thing's for sure - Chester have been practising the defensive side of this for the past couple of weeks and will spend the next week perfecting it. Carlisle have no idea this is coming.
Teulu
Ohhhhhhh!
TaranMellt
Heh! Right? Hear that? That's the sound of FREE MONEY.
ButteryCrumpets
Always Bet on Best.
TaranMellt
What I'm thinking, lads, is draw no bet.
ButteryCrumpets
Oh, that's good. That's very good.
DubaiGuy
Oh, my! I should have thought of that.
Saint Derfel
What does it mean?
ButteryCrumpets
A football match only has three outcomes, right? Win, lose, or draw. That's why there aren't any good football stories - they get very boring very quickly.
'Draw no bet' means 'if the result is a draw, there was no bet'. Meaning you get your money back. It's a bit more security if you want to bet on a team winning. Like that last minute equaliser against Gills. If I'd done 'draw no bet' I wouldn't have lost anything. Of course, the odds aren't quite as good as if you bet on a straight win.
We're hearing that Best is going to attack these matches, right, and frankly Heart Attack Football seems a lot better suited to a Max Best team than to Carlisle or Fleetwood. We don't normally recommend 'Chester to win' type bets but based on what we've heard 'Chester to win, draw no bet' is quite tempting.
Saint Derfel
I think I get it. But why wouldn't you always do draw no bet? Oh, because the odds are worse. You said that.
BrokenGround
One more thing from yesterday. As the event was winding down, Foquita turned up to do some extra training.
Peter got him warmed up and did some skills with a bit of finishing before the real coach took over.
It was quite a scene, really. Bark, the young winger, was helping Foquita. Pitted against them were three lads from the youth team - Captain, Bomber, and Henk, plus Bivvy, a goalie. They were playing out various scenarios that worked on Foquita's movement and decision-making.
Standing around were loads of Chester's coaches, plus Henri, Tockers, and various other stragglers. Jackie had to leave because the women were playing Huddersfield in Flint, and Youngster and Addo went to watch Kisi Yalley. Mari Hughes went with them but Gwen stayed to help clear up. She was entranced by what she was seeing, as were many of us.
An example drill - the five lads are spread out on the halfway line and Best chips the ball over the top. The defenders can track Foquita but can't touch the ball until he does. Foquita doesn't really listen to the rules, he only tries to get the ball and score, always ignoring the run of Bark to his right.
The drill got subtly tweaked so that two defenders were next to Foquita and one with Bark. Still Foquita only had eyes for goal.
Then - this is when I really like Best because he's quite comfortable taking situations to absurd extremes - Foquita and all three defenders had to start in the same spot while Bark was on his own on the right. Now Foquita passed to him and Best ran around celebrating, even jumping into Henri's arms, recreating the famous photo of Pelé.
It was all very interesting and I was quite pleased that I could work out what was going on from the fringes. I couldn't hear the instructions, only watch from afar, if you get me. You'd dream of getting this kind of tailored, personalised coaching with so much of a club's resources put behind it.
Be careful what you wish for, as the saying goes.
I've missed one character. The one at the heart of everything.
Luisa.
Now I'm not sure if Foquita knows Portuguese or if Luisa speaks Spanish, but it seemed to work fine. This absolute firebrand paced around the 'set' like a demanding producer, and she gave poor Foquita hell.
I can't write what she was saying because I have no clue, but talk about volume! You've heard of the Alex Ferguson hairdryer. How about the Luisa jet engine?
Foquita tried to give some back at first but boy was that a mistake. I thought he had learned his lesson and would just get his head down and do as he was told but then came a moment where Best gave some feedback about what Foquita had just done and the lad said something like 'I think what I did was fine'.
The Max Best hairdryer is pretty intimidating, but imagine getting it while the jet engine's blasting you from the other side. I'm not sure what Foquita did to deserve this but holy crap, I found myself looking around to see where the nearest house was because the last thing you want on a quiet wintry Sunday morning is to have a Chester FC special coaching session on your doorstep.
BeardedWonderwall
Shit. So Foquita's on the outs? Already? I thought he was going to bag loads of first goalscorers. Especially since he takes pens.
BrokenGround
No, he's all right.
After the hairdryer, Best explains what he wants - again. I stoop closer to try to hear what's what. Best is speaking slower than normal, which helps. He points at Bark when he says 'him'.
'Forty percent for you, ten percent for him. Fifty percent chance of a goal for the team. For the team. Collectively. Do you get me? Your way - forty percent for you, finito. My way, fifty percent for the team.'
It's easy to forget how young Foquita is but he's just a kid really. He nods as the translation comes and I wonder how close he is to crying.
Best gives him a friendly dig and says, 'Watch.'
He sets up a move at the edge of the D. It's him and Bark against Bivvy. Best has the ball, calls 'slow motion', and with Bark and the goalie moving like they're in treacle, lets Bivvy come to him. Best shapes to pass and pauses. 'See that?' Foquita shakes his head. 'Everyone back a second.' Bivvy and Bark take a step back. 'Go,' says Best. Again he pumps his foot as he starts the passing motion and again Bivvy twitches and moves his balance. 'Okay, let's do it for real.'
They go back, but Best retreats another five yards so he can get up to full speed. He's fucking fast, lads! He runs at Bivvy, does his shimmy thing in a blur, keeps going while Bivvy sits himself down on his bum before flopping onto his back.
Best doesn't bother putting the ball in the net which you can see makes Foquita itchy. He goes back and does it again but this time Bivvy tries not to buy the faked pass and hurls himself in front of Best's path. Of course, the ball has long since been sent to Bark, who has an open goal, but it's amazing how early the pass comes and how Best's move looks identical in the two cases.
He does it again but this time with one defender on him. He's actually just as direct as Foquita but he's got the picture of where everyone is in his head and he makes split-second decisions and either shoots or passes and it looks right every time.
Luisa says something in Spanish (I think) and Foquita takes some time to mull it over. I don't really know what was said but I think he has just realised he's not the best player at this football club and it has been a long time since that was the case. He asks Luisa something but in reply she points to Bark. I think she said, 'Ask him.'
They get back to work and do the drills but this time at the end of each go, Foquita and Bark get together to talk strategy - with Luisa's help. She has opinions of her own. I think she's actually a coach, not just a translator.
After about five more minutes, Best calls a halt. 'Ask Foquita if he wants more special sessions.'
The lad is dripping with sweat. He has been put through the wringer and no mistake. He says yes.
BeardedWonderwall
Best isn't injured! What the fuck is going on? Why doesn't he play?
BrokenGround
No clue but that reminds me! I tried to get some team news out of him. I said it was a shame he wouldn't be able to put Swan in the team because he's injured, let's hope Dugdale can make his debut this weekend to get his career back on track. I was very pleased with the last part because if Best thinks you're fishing for info he shuts down but if you're interested in the well-being of the player he's more likely to chat.
He goes, 'Yeah there will be some pressure on him because he's our record signing, technically, but if I pick Cole instead of Josh I can do a 4-4-2 that's virtually the same strength as Carlisle. That's bonkers now that I think about it. I don't like putting new players straight into the team but I think Duggers will be raring to go.' He closes his eyes as he goes through some options. 'If I don't have Ryan in the eleven, Duggers will be the kick-boy. I think he'll enjoy his debut, yeah. We'll see how he trains. It has all been a bit hectic, hasn't it?'
Loads of clues in there, but I don't know what a kick-boy is.
RetiredRed
Did you ask Bonnie?
BrokenGround
No.
Wow that's quite stupid of me.
RetiredRed
Dylan!
BrokenGround
I know. Heh.
Okay she's saying it's from when Max played rugby and he took the conversions.
Saint Derfel
Dugdale on free kicks!
RetiredRed
That's tasty.
SummerhillBill
Unless Best is playing.
RetiredRed
I think he's just coming back from an injury he didn't tell anyone about.
You know what? I'm thinking back to the United game and I'm convinced. Remember some of us got excited because he was about to strip off?
Stoop
Hello! What's this now?
RetiredRed
HE WAS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF HIS HOODER.
I think he was close to being ready but Peter Bauer convinced him not to risk it. He's fine now but he won't play against Carlisle, nor will he against Doncaster. He'll be back for Fleetwood Town. Remember he has already scored four goals in three games against them this season in the league and two cups. I'm getting on Best to score first, Best to score any time, and probably goals over 1.5, too.
BrokenGround
I'm quite tempted by that. We'd get good odds if we bet today wouldn't we? Since he has barely played... If he plays in either of the next two the odds will get slashed. Yes, I'm very tempted.
ButteryCrumpets
Love the story as always, Dylan. Was there anything else?
BrokenGround
Just a strange and cute little moment from when we all went to lunch together at Bumpers. It's not really related to betting though and wouldn't make sense in LALAC because most of the story is in this channel.
ButteryCrumpets
I'd love to hear it anyway.
BrokenGround
A whole bunch of us go to Bumpers after the event, like I said. We're having a good time and don't want it to end so the kitchen is surprised by the numbers. The cook, who I know as Pat, complains to Best and he tries to charm her into whipping up a few more mains and it absolutely bombs. Not sure I've ever seen anyone shut him down so hard. She's just not having it from him but Henri says 'aww Patri-sheeea' like that and she melts.
A bit later we're tucking in. I'm close to Best, Henri, and Gwen. The next little group is Tockers, Foquita, and Luisa. The last two are chatting away like old friends. I keep checking the time because I need to get going if I want to get to Flint in time for kick off. If we beat Huddersfield, we've got the league sewn up.
I've spaced out and when I come back, Henri's inviting Best to go to his gaff for dinner.
'Can't,' says Best. 'Got to write the end of my essay.'
'Essay?' says Henri. I'm thinking the same thing.
'For my coaching badge,' says Best.
I'm confused. 'I thought they were waving you through, sort of thing.'
Gwen gives me evils. 'What makes you think that?'
Best gives her a whoa sign. 'It's going to be a frantic end to the season. Matches thick and fast so I want to get it done and dusted in the next couple of weeks. It's about my adventures in Relationism and how an undervalued aspect of football management is coaxing players out of their inner turmoil and into the flow state. I'm calling it Emotion in Motion.'
'Oh!' exclaims Henri, with no irony. 'Incredible. I must read it.'
'Sure,' says Best. 'I'm going to write the end today and let it percolate while I'm in Scotland.'
I let out some kind of noise. 'Why is it I understand less than half of what you people say?'
Best points to Luisa. 'They're speaking Spanish, mate. Don't feel bad.'
I get exasperated, which delights him. 'You're doing a coaching badge but it's about emotions? How... I mean, what drill is that?'
Henri says, 'There is more to football than drills, my friend.'
Best says, 'To be fair, I'm probably a lot closer in mentality to Dylan than I am to Henri.' Henri rolls his eyes and makes the sign of the cross, which is proper funny. Best finishes laughing and goes, 'I could imagine doing something completely theoretical for someone else to develop but I'm on a schedule, aren't I? I need to come up with some basic drills, at least. What's a drill for a Relationist blob? The players control it, right, not the manager.
'Well, what I'm thinking is that in Relationism the role of the manager is shifted away from the match and into the week's preparation. If you want a certain effect you have to train towards it. If you want something to happen during a match you need to have prepared for it the week before. I don't think I've been complacent but with a lot of positional play challenges I can adapt on the fly because most of the tools are in place. With Relationism I absolutely need to think ahead and plan and what I've realised is the biggest challenge is emotion. The emotional state of the players... and myself. Imagine a match like Port Vale where I want to put some energy into the team.
'I'm thinking about a move where two players pass to each other at extremely close quarters and when the oppo come to challenge, a third player uses the first two as a screen and dribbles away. It would look like an NFL snap where the ball is handed off to the running back. You do that you're going to get a mad burst of energy, right?'
Henri let his head drop almost to the table. 'You can't make me go. You can't.'
Best ignores him. 'You often need to build your players up. What about down? Against West Ham the energy levels were off the charts in a good way. What if we have that but it's all anger, frustration, fear? Imagine a move that would be like a grounding wire? It would siphon off the excess electricity and send it safely away. I've got two ideas. One, the ball's at the top of the blob and we do two or three hard, fast passes backwards to the Dylan, who passes back to the outsider. Maybe even back to the goalie. The passes are incredibly awesome and satisfying, right? The message is, we have technical skills the oppo can't handle. We can do whatever we want and what we want is to calm down.'
'Jesus,' I say, because who thinks like this? Serial killers, maybe.
'I want to know how it feels for the blob to pass back to the goalie and sprint to the other side of the pitch to reform. Wouldn't that be fucking wild? I haven't tested it yet but that's not the point. The point is to observe what your players do and how it affects the group and turn that into drills so you can feed it back into the blob and so that if as the manager you want a specific emotional outcome, you can design moves that lead to that outcome.' He goes into some kind of trance and at the end he mumbles, 'The blue to the red, red to blue, yellow into orange on command so we can summon the white heat of passion and glory.'
Henri isn't blinking. He goes, 'With colour one obtains an energy that seems to stem from witchcraft.'
The way they're making eye contact is so intense I get really uncomfortable but inspiration hits me. 'You two have fun, don't you? You shouldn't make plans to get rid of Henri next season. You're only eighth in the league after all, Max. Not even in the playoff spots. Henri can be top scorer for Chester next season.'
Best gives me a look more awful than any he's ever given Foquita. 'We'll be in the Championship in eighteen months, mate. Post that in your shitty Facebook groups and laugh it up. We'll see who's laughing when I'm pissing on the corner flags at the Racecourse.'
He doesn't know about this Discord! I was sure he did but he doesn't! I feel light, untethered, the secret burden lifted. I've got him just where I want him. I do my best impression of a gobby Manc twat. 'Championship in eighteen months. Want to bet?' I say, holding my hand out to clinch the bargain.
He sneers. 'It's not fair. You don't know what I know; it would literally be theft.'
'What do you know?' I say, trying to keep him riled up, but he calms down.
'I know who I'm going to replace Henri with,' he says. 'RIP League One.' He holds his fist out towards his mate. 'And RIP League Two.'
Henri bumps it and I realise Max fucking Best is plotting to win two leagues in one season. League One with Chester and League Two with the club that's getting Henri. The actual fuck?!
ButteryCrumpets
Someone get the odds on Chester going up and straight through! I'm fucking stoked!
***
Tuesday, February 3
ButteryCrumpets
It's time for our monthly reminder on the dangers of gambling.
Most betting companies are vile, predatory, and sociopathic. If you gamble you are going to lose and you are effectively gifting you and your family's money to some of the worst people in society.
Here is a list of betting companies that are not vile, predatory, and sociopathic:
[Crickets.]
Ten quid on Wrexham to win the league? Yes, sure, why not, bit of fun.
Fifty quid on Muggles to score first? If you do that every match you're taxing yourself. Think about it.
What's this channel all about then?
WE HAVE THE ADVANTAGE. We are taking money from the fat cats.
If you think you might have a bad relationship with gambling, DM me. Let's talk.
***
Wednesday, February 4
BrokenGround
Just a quick note to say 3 R Welsh won again today doing Bestball. But Pascal was the manager! It was quite different from when Best does it. Best doesn't do much on the sideline but you get guidance and he sort of makes sure you're in the right zones and stuff. When we do Bestball it's like he's conducting us even when he's not jumping around screaming. Hard to describe. Pascal is more normal but he's really good, especially before the match and at half time. He's really giving, if you know what I mean? Very generous and enthusiastic and it gets us going. When he tweaks things it's not because he's bored and wants to indulge himself like certain other people, it's because he sees an advantage.
At the end when he was coming down from the flush of victory. I asked him if he thought Best was injured. Confused frown: No. I asked what he thought about Dugdale. Happy eyebrows: Dreamy. Were they going to beat Carlisle? Frown: Tough. What does he think about Heart Attack Football? Deeper frown: What's that?
I'm long on Chester - they are going up. Sceptical there will be a lot of goals this weekend. I've put twenty quid on Chester to go unbeaten for the rest of the season. 20-1, which seems stingy.
DubaiGuy
Don't you worry that Best will get bored and go on holiday for the last month of the season when he realises he can't win?
BrokenGround
It's a risk but as long as they're getting closer to Bradford and Mansfield, he'll be hunting them down. If it goes to the last day of the season I think that'll pay off.
DubaiGuy
You're unexpectedly a long-term strategist, Dylan. Chester to go undefeated this season, Henri to be top scorer next season, another promotion for Chester next season. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the 2034 World Cup winner!
BrokenGround
Wales.
DubaiGuy
[Smiley face emoji]
Have you a preferred wager for this weekend?
BrokenGround
Got nothing. There's nothing that stands out. If you gave me twenty quid and told me I had to put it somewhere, I think I'm Chester to win to nil.
Saint Derfel
That means Chester wins and the other team doesn't score?
BrokenGround
Yes. They're all high on Peter Bauer's training, right? You could say Best’s whole strategy for the coming games is based on the Bauer effect. That would suggest a few clean sheets are on the horizon, right? To be clear, that's my impression. He didn't actually say that. And to be double clear, I don't believe in that enough to put my own money on it.
***
Saturday, February 7
ButteryCrumpets
Here we go! Match 30 for Chester. Home to promotion rivals Carlisle United. Pretty much the expected starting eleven:
Sticky; Adams, Fierce, Green, Hudson; Dugdale, Youngster, Contreras, Bochum; Dazza, Foquita.
Best on the bench. No Henri. That's good because it means Best isn't feeding fake injury news through Dylan. When that happens, I'm out.
I've got a hundred riding on this one:
20 on Foquita to score first. (He's deadly from open play and he takes penalties.)
20 on Dugdale to score or assist. (Debuts are either amazing or shit and he takes free kicks and Chester have some big lumps to aim for.)
20 for goals above 1.5. (I'm pretty sure Chester will score at least one, so...)
20 for Chester to win to nil. (The goalie will want to pay his team back for getting sent off against Gills. He can pay me back an' all.)
20 on half-time score 0-0. (If Best doesn't start, Chester sometimes take their time to get going and he likes to make the opposition work hard so he can slug them near the end.)
RetiredRed
Oof! That's a fast start. Crumpets, your half time nil-nil is looking dodgy.
ButteryCrumpets
I know! Carlisle are seeing all the space in front of them going 'oh what fun!' Half of me wants to warn them!
RetiredRed
There we go. One-nil already. Foquita from a Contreras pass. We didn't talk about him at all in the build-up, did we?
ButteryCrumpets
No. He doesn’t normally show up on the data. There goes my half time nil-nil but... FOQUITA!
Lads, I'm telling you, this kid is the real deal. Look how he moves. He's absolutely lethal.
Teulu
I went pretty big on Dugdale. Remember that billboard Chester put up? Had him PhotoShopped into some old video game next to the words DO YOU DIG DUG? Best wouldn't make such a big deal if he was shit, right?
But he looks lost out there. Very nervous...
ButteryCrumpets
What did you do?
Teulu
First scorer, score any time.
ButteryCrumpets
You still have a chance on the second one.
Carlisle roaring back. They're hammering Chester. Pinning them back, look.
DubaiGuy
Best is teasing them.
ButteryCrumpets
Go on, explain that one to me.
DubaiGuy
This isn't Heart Attack Football. This is a low block. He's messing with their analysts. We heard this from Dylan in the past, didn't we? Carlisle are trying to develop a modern approach to the sport and at half-time the manager and coaches will gather around the analyst while he talks about patterns and formations. They will have an argument about what exactly is going on right now. The analyst will say it is a pure low block - because that is what it is - and advise caution. The manager will say no, Chester are trying to do their thing but we are forcing them back. The manager will win the argument through sheer weight of testosterone - and actual weight, in this case - and will double down on what he is doing. Best will spring the trap at the start of the second half. This is not betting advice but a wise man may GO BIG ON CHESTER at this moment in time.
SummerhillBill
Done.
RetiredRed
Done.
Stoop
Done. Lol.
ButteryCrumpets
No changes from Chester at half-time. Carlisle have brought a couple of big boys on. Looks like battering rams to get on the end of all the crosses they're sending in.
Shit. Nervous now. I was so sure but...
Fuck.
SummerhillBill
Chin up, Crumpets! What do we say?
RetiredRed
We say: GET IN!
ButteryCrumpets
Always bet on Best!
Haha what the hell just happened?
Stoop
While Carlisle were doing the kick off, Chester camped around their penalty box. I've never seen that. I've never, ever seen that.
Carlisle strolled forward, easy peasy, oops where's the ball? Youngster to Bochum to Foquita. He fakes a pass to Dazza Smith and scores his second of the game.
SummerhillBill
That's an absolute piss take. How does he keep getting away with it?
DubaiGuy, what's coming next do you think?
DubaiGuy
Very possibly he will keep doing the same thing because why not? Or he might change to five in midfield and show that he can control the game the old-fashioned way. Yes, based on Dylan's recent stories I think he might be more in the mood for control.
ButteryCrumpets
Should I cash out of my win-to-nil do you think?
DubaiGuy
Most difficult. Is there an unreliable player on Chester's bench who troubles you?
ButteryCrumpets
I like the lad Badford but if he drops to take passes from the goalie like against United... Now THAT'S heart attack football. The Bark lad plays right wing. He's got something about him but if he loses the ball high up the pitch Carlisle have a lot of work to do. Nah, I'm all right with this bench. It'd only be if the goalie got sent off again.
DubaiGuy
So what is your decision?
ButteryCrumpets
I'm gonna stay the course! I'm already way up on the day so this is all just a bonus.
DubaiGuy
Enjoy it!
RetiredRed
Adams, Contreras and Bochum off... Jack, Harrison, and Bark on.
Um... switching to 3-5-2? Fresh legs in midfield?
DubaiGuy
Exactly. Very good move. Carlisle were getting too many crosses in and they do have dangerous players. Now we should expect Chester to dominate possession and run down the clock.
Saint Derfel
Is it just me or is everything going down the left now?
Teulu
Dugdale woke up.
Oh my God... Am I going to win some money for once?
Stoop
Ha! Did you see that? This lad's brilliant!
Teulu
Dugdale, you beauty! I love him! I love him so much!
DubaiGuy
Beauty indeed. The passing in the build-up ripped Carlisle open, then Jack set Foquita up for his hat trick. He glanced across, waited for the goalie, slipped it to Dugdale. That boy's left foot is like a wand. Pure magic.
ButteryCrumpets
Best going nuts on that one.
SummerhillBill
I just went to put a wedge on Jester to get promoted but the odds have halved DURING THIS MATCH. The bookies aren't stupid, are they?
At least Teulu got his winner. Pleased for you lad.
ButteryCrumpets
Three-nil final score. I don't know about heart attack football because that looked pretty comprehensive to me.
DubaiGuy
Carlisle weren't expecting it. Bet as normal against Doncaster but don't expect Fleetwood to continually step on the garden rakes the way Carlisle did. In short: keep your money in your pocket.
ButteryCrumpets
I'm up about two hundred and fifty quid all told. How did everyone else do?
SummerhillBill
Up about eighty.
Stoop
Hundred and ten. Got to be honest, I cashed out on win-to-nil as soon as it was offered, lol.
DubaiGuy
Any profit is a good profit.
Teulu
Up about thirty, I think. I got cocky and did my own thing. Should have read Dylan's story more carefully!
DubaiGuy, how did you get on?
DubaiGuy
I did rather well.
Teulu
Come on! Give us a hint.
DubaiGuy
All my wagers landed.
ButteryCrumpets
You're such a tease, lol!
Okay whoo. Chester's next match is Donny on Valentine's Day. I need a few days to calm down but then we need to start thinking about that.
Stoop
Sorry, Crumpets, but you're missing a couple of things.
Tuesday it's the Cheshire Cup quarter-final against Nantwich. Easy win but on the same evening it's the Youth Cup fifth round against Everton. Best will be there which means Sandra Lane will be managing the first team. She always does in that tournament anyway, but she won't be able to use any kids because Best will have them all. So if you're thinking the first team will be completely fresh after a week's break, they won't be.
ButteryCrumpets
Ah, that's really interesting and useful. Thanks, Stoop.
Hmm.
I think we need to see what happens in those matches and reconvene on Wednesday.
Stoop
Um... Another thing. I know it doesn't look good for me but it's not a hard date to remember. The Doncaster match is on Valentine's Day, which is Angel's birthday. She'll be 18 and it wouldn't surprise me if she decides to assert her independence or something. I'm just saying I personally am not going to be betting on the Donny match because there is the potential for so much fireworks that day.
ButteryCrumpets
Huh. That's interesting. Let's do some scheming from Wednesday onwards. Maybe there will be some in-play bets worth looking out for once we know that the Angel bomb hasn't gone off.
***
Sunday, February 8
Stoop
I know there aren't good markets on it but is anyone watching Chester's women in the FA Cup? They're away to Durham. Durham are third tier but they've been in the second tier a lot. Chester's new striker can't play so Angel is leading the line on her own.
Got to say, lads, this is an amazing game of football. Proper end-to-end. It's not mad Max Best antics, just proper football with two teams giving it their all. If you have it on your package, check it out.
SummerhillBill
Is this a setup for a joke about your package?
Stoop
Lol, no, it's incredible. It's two-all with half an hour to go and it just keeps getting better. Really, really good game.
SummerhillBill
Found it.
Stoop
Three-two Durham. Looks like that's that. Sorry Bill.
SummerhillBill
Three-all! Sarah Greene! Isn't she the one Best stoops over?
Stoop
Stoop is not a verb! That's the second time recently someone did that.
Oh, shit, what happened? Angel's injured?
SummerhillBill
Didn't she fake an injury in the last game and that's why Best bought someone older?
Stoop
She's in tears. Trying to play on.
SummerhillBill
This is all for the cameras, right?
Stoop
Oh, boy. Best is there. He's up to something.
SummerhillBill
He thinks she's injured. He's yelling at Jackie Reaper to sub her off.
She's refusing. Wants to play on.
Now Best's got your Bonnie there with him. Angel hobbling off with that ponytail physio.
Aww. She's in bits.
Stoop
Hope it's not too bad. It's the Welsh Cup semi-final on the 1st of March and I've got tickets.
BeardedWonderwall
You've got a semi and you're thinking about Angel. Is that right, Stoop?
Stoop
Mate.
By the way, you should get tickets. It's Wrexham against Chester. It's going to be epic.
SummerhillBill
Back to the here and now...
It's one of the Welsh girls going on. Alwen. Lovely name. She's 16. What's she going to do against these experienced defenders?
Stoop
Four-three final score. Going to be a downer on the documentary.
SummerhillBill
I don't know. They gave it everything, didn't they? I enjoyed it. Two teams playing good football, hard but fair, committed, and in the end Jester lost. All is well, all is as it should be. Thanks for the heads-up, Stoop.
***
Wednesday, February 11
BeardedWonderwall
I think Crumpets is in work but let's get this chat started. I for one don't think Angel is half the menace she's made out to be so I want a few betting ideas in my pocket for the Donny game.
SummerhillBill
It's Always Bet on Best but we haven't got any inside info yet. If you have a flutter now it's you versus the bookies and there's only one winner in that.
BeardedWonderwall
That's true. Let's do our due diligence though.
I looked up the Cheshire Cup score - five-nil. They played 3-4-3 and used one of the youth team to give their defenders a night off. Josh Owens, Henk, and Magnus Evergreen as the back three. I mean, it's not going to win League Two but it's not bad, is it? Dugdale, Jack, Harrison, Bark is a good League Two midfield. Dazza, Foquita, Bochum as the forwards. Bit overpowered, isn't it? I'm sure Best would have liked to rotate a lot more than he did.
SummerhillBill
He's getting punished for giving a shit about the Youth Cup. No-one at the FA would even think to check if they were scheduling a Youth Cup match on a night that was reserved for a regional competition. Why would they? If it's not the Premier League, they don't care. Best is dead right about that kind of thing.
BeardedWonderwall
At least the first team were away. The youth team, home to Everton. You'd expect the Scousers to have some good 'uns, wouldn't you?
SummerhillBill
First half was close.
BeardedWonderwall
Well, they pulled two goals back just before half-time. I listened to it on Seals Live and the other 43 minutes weren't close. Badford and Roberts were incredible, apparently.
Three-two at half-time, Best lays into his team, they come out firing. Roberts! Benny! Brotherhood! Six-three final score. Another hat trick for Roberts. Has anyone ever scored a hat trick in every round? He's on course.
Only blot on the horizon is the goalie. Banksy's confidence got demolished in the games against Gills and Mansfield.
Which is relevant to us if Sticky gets injured or suspended before the new guy is fit to play.
DubaiGuy
This is very salient information. Thank you very much. I do not have a good feeling about the weekend. I think Chester will win, but I do not feel I know more than the bookmakers. I will pass.
***
Saturday, February 14
ButteryCrumpets
Right, Chester away to Doncaster Rovers.
Apologies for the late post but I think most of us agreed to simmer down for this one. I've got 20 on Foquita to score any time and that's pretty much it. I'll see what comes along in the in-game markets but the real action is going to be off the pitch.
BrokenGround
Quick update since some of you thought Angel might blow the team up this weekend or something mad. (Why? She's not like that.)
Long story short she's happy and looking forward to her party tonight and wants the lads to come back with a win so her party isn't a funeral. She told Dazza she'd throw a lionfish at him if he scored the winner. That put everyone in a good mood.
Saint Derfel
What? Why?
BrokenGround
Max invited everyone to a presentation about all the things in Australia that want to kill you. The Chester Chatters have been knitting all kinds of snakes, sharks, and jellyfish.
Saint Derfel
What? Why?
BrokenGround
No time. Busy day. Sorry. Bye.
***
ButteryCrumpets
Final score two-nil. That was pretty boring. Best was conserving his energy, I guess. Makes sense but...
Stoop
I'm on the go. Who scored?
ButteryCrumpets
Fierce and Green from Dugdale corners.
Stoop
Ha! The Australian missed his chance. There's hope for the rest of us, lads!
Argh, wish I had a source at that birthday party. I'm imagining it turning into a scene from Caligula.
TaranMellt
Mate...
***
Sunday, February 15
BrokenGround
Quick note about the birthday party yesterday. It was totally normal, not very boozy. The men have a big game in a week, the women are playing today (so they weren't drinking much either), and I was on unofficial bodyguard duty so I couldn't get plastered.
It was mostly everyone from Chester but Danny Flash came up from Grimsby and that meant I got to meet Donnie Wormwood! Don Flash was too poorly to travel, sadly.
Sam Topps was one of the former players who came. Aff and Carl sneaked in; we had to make sure they didn't end up in any photos. Best was pretending to be mad at Aff for some business deal they've got going on between them. Best claimed Aff's offer was 'unchristian', but he couldn't keep a straight face.
Stoop, your mate Sumo was there.
Stoop
Sumo! Sumo!
Saint Derfel
How are they mates?
Stoop
You know Best goes on Sumo's Twitch channel sometimes? They play games and chat shit. When he's on I get in the chat and ask questions. If you pay a couple of bucks you're pretty much guaranteed to get the question read out and Best is always trying to work out which buttons to press so most of the time he just answers without being a dick. We've had a couple of good wins from that.
I do it with Seals Live, too. When that lad Spectrum is on I get provocative in the chat and he gets worked up and defends his mate. It's like shooting fish in a barrel if you get the timing right. 'Best doesn't know how to deal with Doncaster's powerful defenders.' 'What? He'll play 4-1-4-1 and slip passes down the sides.' 'He doesn't have the players to do that.' 'Is that right? Then why did I see Pascal and Foquita practising those moves in training this week?'
You get the idea.
Saint Derfel
I didn't quite appreciate the operation we've got going here!
BrokenGround
Not much interesting happened at the party from the point of view of outside gossip or betting on Fleetwood but I did get a few snippets.
- Half the lads think Best will play the first 20 because Fleetwood won't be expecting it. By now everyone in League Two 'knows' he's injured and is only on the bench for mind games. But we know better!
- Best wants Henri to rest up and be back for the Tranmere game on March 3. I'm thinking Lyons to score first for that one, but if Best is fit I could imagine him blasting them in the first twenty so his lads can rest. Tranmere are his bunnies, aren't they?
- Expect more heart attack football. Best doesn't rate Fleetwood's strikers even though they're bagging loads. Zach told me that Best has asked Jackie Reaper to do some sessions with the men's team this week. Apparently that means Best wants to go man-to-man, which means Zach Green and Christian Fierce have to win their duels. I think it could be high-scoring.
That's all, though I'll keep my ears open through the week.
Oh, there was one strange moment that I don't think breaks the cloak of secrecy. Angel got a load of presents and she opened them in front of everyone.
She unwraps Henri's. It's a nice box. Inside is a bottle of perfume. She dabs some on her wrist. Angel loves the scent but she starts frowning. She looks from the box to the bottle.
'But what is it? What's the brand?'
Henri goes, 'Like with little baby Lane-Beeks, it has yet to be formally named. It's a new product from my family's concern. If you agree to meet my mother and discuss it, you could be the face of the perfume.'
Angel throws herself at him and goes round letting people smell it. This involves thrusting her arm in all the men's faces, which is, you know, very Angel.
Best and Bonnie look at each other. They're not sure they like this 'face of the perfume' development.
I'm sure it will be fine.
ButteryCrumpets
I have literally never even imagined a scene like the one you have just described.
I think... yes, I'm jealous.
Okay but look.
Best to start against Fleetwood is a good call. I'm going to dig up the Best to score first odds.
He won't start against Tranmere. He won't play against them if he can help it. It's that weird loyalty thing.
High-scoring against Fleetwood is very tempting. I might put my whole hundred on that because the bookies will look at the match and see two good defences and price it for a game with few goals.
***
Saturday, February 21
RetiredRed
Crumpets is away with the Red Army so he's asked me to give the updates on Chester vs Fleetwood Town.
Looks like Chester's best eleven, 4-4-2. Actually let me check something.
Yes, it's the same lineup as against Carlisle but with Best instead of Bochum.
I couldn't quite decide what to do for this one but I went with the wisdom of the crowd and put half my pot on over 2.5 goals and half on Best to score at any time.
DubaiGuy
Very wise. I did something very similar.
RetiredRed
Glad someone is in here to keep me company. I think it will be quiet today.
Everyone's focused on Wrexham v Barnsley.
DubaiGuy
Alas, so am I. Why do not we agree to check back in at full time?
RetiredRed
I'll post score updates for anyone who needs it.
One-nil Chester. Max Best. He got on a pass, cut inside the defender, pushed to the byline, shouted 'go' at Foquita and when everyone moved to block the pass, Best rolled the ball into the net. Now he's using the corner flag like a golf club. Oh, and a snooker cue! God, he's such a brat. Who was it who predicted he'd be fit for this match?
Two-nil Chester. Max Best! Left-footed free kick. He lined up behind the ball as if to take a right-footer, stepped across the ball to whisper something in Dugdale's ear. The goalie relaxed, of course, because if anyone's going to take it from that side it's the left-footed guy who's great at free kicks. Instead of stepping back to his position, Best clips the ball over the wall and in before running off laughing.
Absolute brat. I'd be fuming if I wasn't already about a hundred and fifty quid in the black.
Two-one Chester. Best has fucked off and Fleetwood are right back in this. Wait, that makes three goals.
I've won!
I'm doing a jig, lads. Dancing around my old kitchen with my new hips. That's another thirty quid in the bank. Not much but it's better than a kick to the teeth!
DubaiGuy
Well done, Red!
And well done the Reds. We're looking good for another promotion. Let us try not to annoy Max Best in the coming weeks, please? We do NOT want him telling our rivals how to exploit our weaknesses.
ToddlySatisfying
I know this is the channel for Best fans but a 2-2 draw at home to Fleetwood isn't that good, is it?
DubaiGuy
I would say yes.
Their last three games have included two of their hardest yet they made ground on everyone in the top eight. They are 16 points behind Bradford - too far (and their new striker is already banging the goals in). 13 behind Mansfield - too far. But it's only 7 to Cambridge, 5 to Fleetwood, 5 to Carlisle, 3 to MK Dons, and they are above Burton on goal difference.
I think Fleetwood needed to win today to finish the season above Chester. Burton have to win next week to have the slightest chance, but even if they snatch a win I am virtually certain Chester will be looking down upon them come season's end.
***
Wednesday, February 25
BrokenGround
Hey guys, sorry for the lack of stories but I've been super busy and I haven't heard much from Best himself or indirectly through my sources.
Stoop
Bonnie you mean.
BrokenGround
You may very well think that. I couldn't possibly comment.
Yeah it's just a quick one to say Best was absolutely buzzing at our match today. He liked his mini-break in Scotland so much he booked another one and when I see him these days he's all chill and relaxed.
At the last Northern Powerhouse event he was in sunglasses and a t-shirt even though it was cold. He was talking about going to live in Scotland and was asking people to talk to him in a Scottish accent.
I was starting to think he'd lost his entire mind but he'd invited a good under twelves team from Crewe to come and play against his Welsh all-stars and the all-stars, who remember are a load of kids a year younger that he's just met and plucked at random - gave the Crewe lads a real chasing.
Best told me he had a good eleven for the under elevens, which sent him into fits of giggles.
All kinds of odd, but his little holidays plus his scouting events and not losing any of the tough games has put him in stellar mood. He chirped at us all through our league fixture today. We started sluggish and it was hard work to get going but by about the hour mark we were really fizzing. Even though the score was close and we were holding onto a one-goal lead, I was gutted when the final whistle went because I felt if we kept going we were really going to come to the boil.
Best was quite giddy and so was I, to be honest, so I went fishing for a tip.
'Best,' I go. 'Burton Albion are bloody good team, aren't they? Reckon you might scrape a draw?'
'Burton are going to regret the day they were born,' he says, before saying it again in a Scottish accent. He picks up an imaginary old-style phone and yells, still in that accent, 'Police! I'd like to report a murder!' He tries to roll the R in murder but he's not very good at it. 'Someone's killed Burton's season!' Best laughs, 'hangs up’, and replies to himself in his normal voice. 'Yeah, their manager.'
I try to ask some follow-up questions, to get some detail, but he's busy trying to write an anti-Burton Albion chant based on 500 Miles by The Proclaimers. All his ideas are shit so he announces he's going home.
What are the odds on Burton's manager to get sacked next? I think Best knows something!
Stoop
Um... Burton are actually good, though. They were in the Championship not that long ago and they've got that coach from Chelsea managing them. We shouldn't underestimate them. Is this one of those games we should skip?
BrokenGround
Not me. Best's got so much energy and he's so positive I think he's going to do his thing early on. I'm going Best to score first, Best to score any time (as a hedge in case he finishes instead of starts), Chester to win, draw no bet.
Stoop
Hmm. Quite persuasive. I'll let the ideas percolate.
***
Saturday, February 28
ButteryCrumpets
Argh, look at all the MONEY!
Best to score first - bosh!
Best to score any time - bosh!
Chester to win to nil - bosh!
And guess who had Foquita to score any time? BOSSSSSSH!
Saint Derfel
Did you have Max Best to play right back?
ButteryCrumpets
Lol, no. Doesn't matter where he plays if the only way teams can stop Chester's strikers is to foul them. Best plus free kick equals ALWAYS BET ON BEST.
Five hundred quid for the day! Over a grand for the month.
I think this was the best month of gambling of my entire life!
Saint Derfel
It was my first. I think I quite like it. Helps when all you have to decide is: does free money outweigh your dislike of Chester.
ButteryCrumpets
One of us! One of us!
Lol, I'm as hyper as Best in that last update from Dylan. I wonder what he was so pleased about?
BrokenGround
Oh, I found out! I thought I had posted it here. No?
Yeah, he got his two first-choice targets agreed for the summer transfer window. Don't ask me who - I have no clue. Almost no-one does - Best is playing those cards very close to his chest.
Hey, did anyone bet on Burton's manager to be next for the sack? Big rumours coming out that today was the last straw for him!
BeardedWonderwall
Not me. Lesson learned, I guess. I mean, it makes sense Best would have the inside track on who's in trouble. He's on the manager grapevine, isn't he? That's another market for us!
BrokenGround
Lesson learned indeed!
Just checked and I'm up over two hundred for the day. I think we're going to get shit odds on Best to score from now on!
RetiredRed
Eighty quid on the day. Chuffed.
DubaiGuy
I am pleased with my result.
TexanWrexun
I'm up three hundred dollars.
RetiredRed
[Huge eyes emoji.]
ButteryCrumpets
Erm, excuse me? Didn't you give us a firm but polite smackdown before slamming the door behind you?
TexanWrexun
Who me? No.
I never doubted you for a second...
[Tongue sticking out of a smile emoji.]
Okay, enough celebrating. Best doesn't celebrate his wins, does he? Satisfied slap of the hands and we go onto the next one.
Next up, Chester is hosting Tranmere. I got the transcripts of every episode of Pyramid Schemers since Best played in League Two that time. I put the transcripts into a massive text file and I've cross-referenced every mention of Best and Tranmere. I've also been digging up Best's interviews from the time he was there and I've got thoughts...
