Chapter 12 PurgeThe taste of pizza and sweet tequi fills my mouth for the second time as my stomach empties itself against the pure white porcein. It has no more to give and yet it keeps offering to try. Tara holds my hair like reigns to a circus pony while I retch my soul into the bowl.

  “Howshe eat… that mush sugar… and shtay shmalll… tell me, sir Daniel.” The tinny words cut through the hangover as they echo off the bathroom walls. I slowly turn my head, scared of what I’m about to see. My eyes make contact with Tara’s phone, then her eyes, then her smile.

  She looks down at me with a proud grin like she concocted this grand pn. Like her dreams are coming true. Like she just found the goose that id the golden egg. It drips into her words as she speaks “you’re more honest with a pug than you are with yourself”

  I hear the faint scraping from down the hall. It inches closer and closer, following the sounds of regret and healing. My eyes search for the source of the sound and nd on the doorway. Daniel paws his way into the door frame, tongue dangling and eyes bulging. “You traitorous little shit! I trusted y-“ my grumpy words cut off by another empty heave into the bowl.

  I hear it before I feel it. Tara’s hand rubs my back with her free hand while I exorcise my demons. The video continues to py from the countertop like a ghost from drunk idiots past.

  “I’m not good at this shit. I don’t even know what this is, all I know is it feels like I’m gonna get in trouble.” A screwtop scrapes against the bottle and ctters to the floor followed by a hiss “it feels like I’m gonna break something… but it also feels like I’m gonna break without it.” There’s a sloshing noise from the orange juice chaser “Casey hasn’t been back to the… the… cr-... the bean pce. I hate it there. It’s my fault.” A loud hiccup interrupts the speech followed by a quick giggle “it’s my fault but I’m gonna fix it- Daniel don’t eat that… Daniel don’t eat- Tara! He’s eating a can!” It sounds like the phone hits the ground and the video trails off into screams and barks as Tara gently takes the can from Daniel.

  Tara’s hand leaves my back and taps the screen to pause the video. “Should I py it again for you? Or are you ready to make a game pn-“

  Pushing off the floor I climb to my feet and dunk my face into the sink. Lips find the faucet and greedily drink from the tap to get this awful taste out of my mouth. My hair falls free once Tara finally releases it.

  “I could’ve gotten you a gss of water, you animal.” Her tone more teasing than judgmental

  I shake my head, cool water trickles across my dry lips like an oasis in the Sahara. My mind reels from both the hangover and the fact that I let my feelings escape out into the world. I told Tara’s dog everything I’ve been thinking about. The most surprising part is that I’m still here.

  “Why aren’t you all messed up and puking?” My hands tremble slightly as I turn off the tap, wiping my face on my sleeve.

  “Because I’m the adult here and I didn’t chug tequi because I was afraid of a damn word” she snaps from the corner of her mouth at me, already turning and leaving me alone in the bathroom.

  “I ain’t afraid of-“ I bite my tongue and lean on the bathroom counter. Arms crossed like they could actually shield me from any of this. “I am terrified, Tara.”

  Bare feet pt against the cold tile as I walk into the livingroom. Morning sun bursts through the blinds like a death ray, too bright to look at. I try to find anything to look at that isn’t blinding. White tile, open blinds, pale not-hungover-Tara. All far too bright or far too smug to look at. I opt for the couch and throw myself face down onto the cushions.

  “I’m making you bacon and eggs, not as a reward. It’s just all I have in the fridge.” She says while banging a pan and spatu against the stove “unless you want some more pizza” I can hear the smile as she speaks

  My stomach rolls at the reminder of pizza and I groan into the floral pattern of her grandmother's couch. Daniel hears my groan and thinks I want to py. He nips at my elbow and barks. I let out yet another groan. Too bright, too loud, too everything. I try to force myself to go back to sleep. The pug keeps cutting through the air with yaps.

  “Alright Danny! Jesus Christ I’m up I’m up!” My feet nd on the floor as I push myself upright. Grumpily I walk over to the key rack and take Daniel’s leash in my hand and crouch down. “Where’d you hide my cigarettes this time Tara?”

  “Linen closet.” She smirks while cracking eggs into the pan and slicing open a pack of bacon.

  “I’m taking your shining knight out for a smoke and a poo.” The brass knob of the closet twists with a clunky grinding noise and my senses are confronted by the smell of mothballs and old cardboard. My cigarettes and phone y wedged between a board game called ‘Sorry!’ And one called ‘Trouble’

  “The universe is feeling hirious today.” I mumble to myself as I fill my pockets.

  I quickly slip on an old pair of Tara’s slippers and head out the front door to the end of the driveway. Daniel makes a beeline for the grass and I light a cigarette. I don’t bother checking my phone. I just let it stay in my pocket like a brick. The air is dead outside but it feels fresh and cool like a heavy chilled bnket draped over me. The neighborhood isn’t quite awake yet, cars still parked in carports and dew still on grass.

  Daniel tugs at the leash, snapping me out of the zen moment. I quickly finish my cigarette and follow Daniel back inside to his mama. Reentering the house brightens my mood a little as I smell crispy bacon and warm toast in the air. I lean over and click the csp on Daniel’s leash and he sprints off to the kitchen. I follow him zily with a smile teasing at my lips as I turn the corner to find my- oh fuck it’s Tara.

  “Damn, I cook breakfast and you come back inside to frown at me?” She scoffs while sliding a pte to me across the counter

  “Nah. Well yeah I-“ was I really just picturing walking in and seeing Casey making me breakfast? “Thanks for having me over and thanks for breakfast Tara.”

  “You were daydreaming weren’t you?”

  I nod. My fork scrapes against the pte as I cut my eggs. Too much pepper, just the way I like. A red line spshes across my eggs, vinegar and spice fills my nose. “Thanks, mom.”

  “You’re lucky I don’t make you eat vegetables anymore.” She teases as she screws the cap back on the Tabasco bottle “seriously, what were you thinkin about?”

  My fork ctters against the pte and I shrug while I finish chewing my bite. “Nothing-“ Honesty. “I was thinking about how nice it would be to have this exact morning… taking a dog out having a morning smoke… and coming back inside and seeing Casey making breakfast… or making breakfast for her…” the words fall out like a slow avanche, unable or unwilling to stop despite the protesting blush on my cheeks and defiant waver to my voice.

  Tara says nothing in response. Her expression stays neutral while she eats her eggs and absorbs my words, my confession. The one that feels like a contradiction. My skin feels tight, my hair feels heavy, my face feels dirty. I need a shower. My messy thoughts might benefit from that too.

  “Mind if I shower before we go do whatever today?”

  Tara points a fork at my pte “eat another egg and a piece of toast first.” She says with that stupid soft tone she uses when she knows she’s in charge.

  “Yes mother.”