There is a hushed silence as the Cosmos Ambassador takes the stage. Thousands of representatives from every race in the Protectorate are hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Slowly she walks to the Beyond High Council Leader Mendas Cometfeller. The Cosmos bows while extending one hand. Cometfeller reciprocates by going down on one knee and clutching her hand from the underside. Thunderous applause. They stand back up and the Cosmos takes the podium.

  “Today is the first step towards renewed relations between the Interstellar Protectorate and the Galactic Union. Through the tireless efforts and cooperation of the best of both our great Powers, the conspiracies which attempted to drive us apart have been vanquished. Now, we can heal our wounds with a still mind.”

  Still Mind? Not if I can help it. I down my fourth shot of what I’ve officially dubbed “Morel Royale”, my new second favorite drink. After everything I’ve been through, all the Space Hell I’ve had to put up with to get to this point, and they don’t even invite me to the proceedings. No parades, no award, not even a gift basket. Just going back to my ship to watch it all from a holo-screen on my bridge. At least I don’t have to pretend to like these political shills.

  “Anyone else want a hit?”

  Raze lumbers over with a dry glass.

  “Give me a double.”

  “You’ve had a lot already. I’ll make it a triple.”

  Before a single drop reaches the bottom of his cup, Inanna swipes the bottle from my hand.

  “Honestly, you two, can’t you find a more healthy hobby?”

  “I only got three hobbies: Drinking, sleeping, and fucking. And I never mix my pleasures.”

  She’s disgusted. I’m more than a little drunk, probably said something I wasn’t supposed to. I hear pouring. Fairy’s got a flask and is filling our cups up.

  “Give them a break. It’s been a hard couple of weeks and we didn’t get a thank you. I think you of all people can understand how much it sucks to feel underappreciated.”

  Inanna sighs and hands the bottle back to me. She resigns herself to continue watching the proceedings, paying specific attention to the Cosmos Ambassador.

  “I’ll have some. Haven’t had a good drink in months.”

  Rover sits besides me on his special raised platform. Salminne might look like pets but they’re as intelligent as you or me, arguably more intelligent than some of us if you ask me. An obscure little species from the far corners of Union space. This isn’t the first time that it was used as a spy for a hostile power and won’t be the last. People fall for it all the time. I make sure Rover’s bowl is filled to the top. He’s earned it.

  “Months? Weren’t you undercover for years?”

  “I managed to sneak a sip every once in a while. One of the few things that kept me sane all this time.”

  “I can only imagine. That leash must be as chafed like space hell.”

  “The leash wasn’t so bad. Buenea’Venture made sure I had the highest quality materials, so it was very soft. Not gonna miss crapping in a box, though.”

  I thought I had it rough. The real heroes are never ones that go on TV and make all the speeches.

  “I now turn the podium to expeditionary captain Conqtor, who led the mission against the conspirators.”

  Case and point. The only thing Conqtor did this entire mission was piss people off and slice some heads off. If I left things up to him, there’d be a fleet crossing the border right now. Yet he gets to stroke his ego in front of the masses.

  “Can we turn this off? I think I’ve seen enough.”

  “Interjection: It seems critical to my data banks to observe a political operation such as this to increase the chances of peaceful cohabitation between the Diegitron and the Union.”

  “Deed, cohabitation isn’t decided by fancy speeches and pompous personalities. This is theater, and not very good theater. Off-Broadway at best. I’d be tossing rotten tomatoes if I could.”

  “Inquiry: Would such an action not be counter-productive to peaceful negotiations?”

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  “Tell you what Deed, I’m gonna give you your first big lesson on politics. Who votes to change the channel?”

  Everyone raises their hands besides Deed, Inanna, and Joan. And that’s just because Joan wasn’t paying attention.

  “Ah, Democracy. I hope this was very informative.”

  I hover my finger over the button that switches channels, as Conqtor drones on and on.

  “Once again, the bravery of all Expeditionary Captains, myself in particular above all others-”

  BZZZT.

  “-and a right hook to Starway's fourth eye, this might be the end folks.”

  Looks like we just missed a good match. Maybe we can catch the highlights. There’s that familiar tug on my arm.

  “What is going to happen? I’m pretty sure we just bankrupted all their doctors. Wouldn’t the Protectorate be mad at us for all that?”

  “They bankrupted themselves. We just showed all their investors that their money was long gone. Don’t feel too bad for any of them. Especially not Buanea'Venture as he rots in a cell for the next century. Corporations are like sharks. They all take a bite out of the dead fish and keep swimming along. Union agreed to send plenty of supplies at a considerable discount to keep them going till then. Should buy us a little goodwill.”

  “So, things are gonna turn out just fine?”

  “That depends. You a gambler?”

  Fairy shakes her head. Don’t think she fully understands what I’m implying.

  “Hey, Rover. You got more insight into how these big wigs are when the doors are closed than any of us. What’s your take?”

  Rover shoves his face deep into his whiskey filled bowl and sucks it down to the last drop.

  “Honestly? I wouldn’t count on it. Most will just coast to what gets them the biggest pay out. Some of them, though, they’re high on their own supply. They genuinely think the Protectorate would win if things came down to it. And they’re constituents seem to agree since they keep voting for those guys.”

  “Welp, there you have it. It’s gonna be a long, long road. Longer than any of us will be traveling.”

  I can definitely say more, but I can already see the worry in Fairy’s face. Buena’Ventura didn’t create the tension between the Union and the Protectorate. He just took advantage of it. Right now, the ruling party has more to gain from a galaxy without war. But they’re working on borrowed time and borrowed money. If they go down, whoever takes their place would not be so level-headed.

  “So, where are they sending us now? Do they want us to stop a genocide with marshmallows and kind words?”

  Inanna pulls out a tablet and brings out the order forms.

  “Looks like we’re getting some R&R. No location stated, so we’ll get to choose.”

  “Again?! Not that I’m complaining, I just thought we’d do more than this. The Galaxy’s a big place, and there aren't many expeditionary captains out there.”

  “Well, they probably thought you did enough.”

  Or they’re tired of me fixing their problems. Can’t have the newbie out stage the great sword of Narcissism, or the Cosmos ambassador who only shows up when everything had been taken care of.

  “Whatever. Any requests of where we’ll go? Fairy, how about your world?”

  “Oh no, I’d rather not. It’s very primitive. There wouldn’t be any place up to your standards."

  I wasn’t really one to rough it out in a tent, had enough of that when I was a kid.

  “Joan, you got any ideas?”

  “Place with good foods.”

  “Any particular kind of food?”

  “Good foods.”

  “Useful as always, Joan.”

  Joan smiles. She doesn’t understand sarcasm yet. I should be nicer. If she hadn’t translated Rover's garbles we’d all be space dust right now. Or worse. Raze finishes his glass before throwing his hat in the ring.

  “We can always go to my world. You guys can use some thicker skin.”

  “What’s your world called again?”

  “Planet Hell.”

  Not touching that with a thousand meter pole.

  “Captain. If I may, my world has a thriving tourism industry.”

  “You come from a water world, right? I could do with a sandy beach and a beautiful sunset right about now.”

  “Oh, we’re almost nothing but.”

  “Has goods food?”

  “The seafood selection is famous galaxy wide. Some of the best in the Union.”

  Some positive murmors filled the bridge. I think we’re all warming up to it. Except for the Big Red dumbass.

  “Oh come on, your world can’t be anywhere near as nice as mine. Bet you don’t even get Ember Storms."

  "Everyone in favor of Inanna's world, raise your hand.”

  The only hand not in the air is red and scaly.

  “Deed, I hope you’re taking notes cause Democracy strikes again. What do you say, Rover? Wanna come with?”

  “I’m afraid I can’t. They’re gonna be debriefing me for months. I had to pull a lot of strings just to have this little visit.”

  “Well, give me a call when you’re finally free. Before you go, I wanna share with you a little gift I got.”

  I reach around my chair and pull out a very nice, genuine wood case. I still have the ‘Thank you’ note from Superior attached. That must have been painful for him to write. From the inside, I select two straight, plum, fragrant cigars. Daintily, I place one in Rovers mouth and the other in mine. The case comes with some old-fashioned matches. Every cigar buff I’ve met swears by them, and I’m not one to argue. I strike the match, gently light Rover’s cigar, then mine. Then take a deep, long puff.

  “Fuuuuck yeah… that was worth the wait. Plot a course to Andamus. I’m sick of this shit-hole sector of space.”