Originally Published on 54 PST (Post Stasis time) by Hatil Author “Brian H Thompson”
Chapter 8: Terrans and cute things.
I am cute.
This is a fact that most, if not all, non-Terrans must contend with, as Terrans have a tendency to consider most things in the universe ‘cute’. While depending on their species this may be less of a common occurrence, even the most reptilian insectoid members of the galaxy will have a subsection of Terrans find them adorable / cool / ”Isn’t she a beaut” (mostly those from the Australia region and its many colonies).
However, I am a Hatil, the subsection of the Terran population who find me adorable is roughly 101%. We are, as one Terran once told me, “S-Tier” cute. While I’m nothing special as far as my species goes, our short 4 ft tall stance, cream coloured fur, floppy ears, and black eyes make us look like, and again I quote “Like a baby seal and a teddy bear smushed together”. I’ve looked up both animals, and personally, I don’t see the resemblance, but that’s Terrans for you.
There is no escaping ‘the cute’, no attitude or dress that will ‘uncutify’ yourself in the Terran’s eyes, or at least without doing something immoral and terrible. Being friendly obviously increases the effect, but you can be rude and abrasive, and the primates will simply consider you a “Spicy teddy”.
Which I’ve been told is also cute, but in a different way.
No manner of dress will protect you from ‘the cute’, whether the most regal of uniforms, or even as I found out in one act of unprofessional desperation, nothing at all. My uniform is that of an officially registered merchant vessel, a successful one. It is made by the finest tailors on Yulla, woven with Phalianous silks, trimmed with gold and the finest of red opals from the Illzori seas. Immaculately maintained, to any Hatil it is a representation of my station and the position I hold amongst the stars.
To your average Terran, most of them won’t be able to move past the concept of “Oh my god, he has a little hat”.
My hat is not little, it's normal sized. Terrans are just big.
No, even though most Terrans will make an attempt to treat me with a little respect, it's highly obvious in their mannerisms how they actually feel deep down. The look on their faces, the way their voices raise slightly in pitch, an eagerness to help. Being treated like a pup who managed to get top marks on a math test can be infuriating at times.
These are the ones trying to be polite. A minority of Terrans do not care for such niceties and will lose all sense of decorum when interacting with ‘the cute’. If I’m being totally fair, they are mostly children. I can’t bring myself to hate such young pups, the primates latching onto your leg with cries of “Teddy!”, normally followed by a mortified parent dragging their protesting offspring away, all while profusely apologising to me.
I can, however, bring myself to hate the full grown adults who treat sentient beings like living plushies. You'd have thought anyone old enough to be travelling with a merchant vessel, would be old enough to understand the concept of “Don't randomly touch people without asking!”
In retrospect, Terrans in general tend to put their hands where they don't belong in a lot of situations. The first act of Terran proofing a vessel, is to slap giant warning signs on anything not suitable for interaction; much in the same way a nursery might put padding on sharp corners, to stop little pups having accidents. Sadly, you can’t attach the signs to the other non-Terran crew members, although most soon learn that the claws on a Kigrel are for more than just show, that the species has the Terran nickname ‘angry kitty’ for a reason.
There is one annoyance I’ve found from the Terran tendency to touch things, and one we should never let them know about: They’re good at it. While every single space faring species has some way to interact with their surroundings in a precise manner, Terrans seem to understand the exact method to pet, stroke or massage any species in the universe into submission.
Whether you are a Mammal, Reptile, or whatever classification the lovecraftian Dunwilian's are, Terrans will magically find the one spot that hits just right. Having gentle fingers able to find the perfect spot at the base of your ear, scratching an itch you never knew existed, are why Terran masseuses are popular galaxy wide.
It would be better if the primates learned to ask first.
Indeed, the fact of matter is, I am cute. There is no fighting it, it is a simple fact that one such as myself must always work around. Terrans will look at me, and decide that I am a huggable little guy that must always be protected. Like all things in life, you can either try to fight it, to struggle against the way things are, or…
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You can use it to your advantage.
It is a well known ‘secret’ amongst Hatil captains, and other similar species, of the ways we use our natural cuteness against the Terrans. While we will deny doing such things, proclaiming an aura of self respect and pride, with enough liquor applied every single captain will have stories of using this to their advantage. Some more than others.
I’ve never gone to the extremes that a few people have, stories of hugging officials or sitting on laps are the exception, not the rule. Still, when I need things to go favourably for me, one should always play to their strengths. When I need a monetary fine turned into a warning, a better chance at grabbing a contract, or a fairer price on my services…
Then it's time to turn up ‘the cute’.
It's the small details. Wearing a bow tie as part of my uniform, being more expressive with my ears, wiggling them while talking. Eye contact is also a good one. Lots of eye contact, as the eyes seem to be a main source of ‘the cute’. Holding your paws together in front of you as you talk is another, for some reason Terrans lose their shit when you do that.
It's funny watching Terrans be impacted by ‘The cute’: the subtle facial expressions they try to hide, the clear fight between their nurturing instincts and acting in a professional manner. The way their voices raise in pitch, even as they try to keep it steady.
It's almost adorable in its own right.
It even works on crew members. While overuse can have side effects, Hatil captains have some of the most disciplined Terran shipmates, all because of ‘the cute’. Every time a Terran does something they shouldn't, I have a simple trick to stop it happening again. I don't get angry. I don't get mad. I simply give the offending crewmember a good hard sad stare, and state something to the effect of:
“I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.”
Nine times out of ten, the Terran will make an attempt to never repeat the same action. Because disappointing the living teddy bear is worse than any punishment I could legally dish out.
It's not all plain sailing. I've had to repeatedly admonish Terrans, and in one case fire them, reminding them that crewmembers are not plushies. Or when ‘The cute’ ends with the adoption of random wild animals with the cries of ‘Can we keep it?’. Or when random appliances with fake hats or eyes drawn onto them are considered ‘cute’, and must be maintained to great expense.
It is still overall a net positive for someone who can harness ‘the cute’.
I’ll end this chapter with a story. Most people know me as the main target for rescue during ‘Operation Kiraba Pirate Destruction’, this is why you brought this book after all. While we will get to that incident in time, my publisher stated I shouldn’t front load the hook to this memoir, it’s worth noting why I ended up becoming the center of one of the largest Terran non-war military movements.
Several years before that… unfortunate situation, a video of myself had been published to the Terran Galnet. It was an embarrassing moment: I was inebriated, celebrating with my crew. This allowed someone to film a little Hatil captain being carried around by my equally inebriated Terran friends. While there had been much cause for celebration at the time, having just completed our largest and most profitable contract to date, once our celebrations became public I soon had another issue: becoming temporarily ‘Galnet famous’.
It turns out watching a ‘living teddy bear’ get hoisted onto the shoulders of 8 grown burly Terran Males, with drunken songs being sung and many headpats, is exactly the kind of thing that causes the Terran Galnet to implode. Memes, remixes, and consistently being recognized as I went about my day, the constant jokes and comments. It was all very embarrassing, but mostly harmless fun that died down after a few months. Something that crew members will still use to embarrass me from time to time, and a little reminder as to how silly Terrans can get.
Then ten years later, I, along with 2 other Hatil captains, were kidnapped and held to ransom by the Kiraba Pirates. We all know what happened after that: They released their demand for an exorbitant ransom, a video of the trio of us blindfolded with threats of what would happen if they weren’t paid. This directly led to their eventual destruction, but again, spoilers.
While the Terran military response is the thing everyone remembers, and the reason the criminal group no longer exists, what surprised me the most at the time, was the reaction of the public at large. The connection between the two videos was quickly made: the distinction between the outgoing full of life Hatil having fun with his Terran friends, and the very scared, bound and gagged, prisoner to vicious pirates. This became a lightning rod for the general Terran public’s attention.
Huge outpourings of support for my family and crew, donations and help in any way they could, more than could ever be realistically used. There were also the geoguessers. I have no idea how they managed to pinpoint the exact location I was being held, using only the short video the pirates made demanding much wealth, but work it out they did, probably with some form of dark magic.
While many would say that the reaction of the Terran military was inevitable when the
Kiraba Pirates kidnapped three high ranking Hatil merchant captains within Terran Alliance territory, the public support galvanized it. As soon as my fate was made public, working with or even being slightly related to the criminal organization most people before now had never heard of, made you persona non-grata. The Terran military and all its might have had to get involved, because the people demanded it. They demanded that I be brought home safe, mostly because I am part of the Terran ‘pack’ so to say, but partially because, well…
I am cute.
Thanks to Yargle, Knebb, AcceptableEgg and AsciiSquid for proofreading this!
- In what other ways can ‘The cute’ be harnessed?
- How effective are tasers in stopping Terrans giving unwanted headpats?
- How bad of an idea is it for pirates to kidnap cute things?
Find out all this and more… NEXT TIME!
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