“Breathe, Jules, breathe.”

  Sound of Erin’s voice is almost inaudible for me as I pace around the room like a trapped animal. I feel another panic attack starting at my toes. Not the best reaction for the experienced spy agent, but I just can’t help it. I want to fall. It seems safe. Maybe, that’s what unravels the clot of anxiety deep in my stomach.

  “Is it some kind of a sick joke?” I pronounce some weird sounds, hardly recognizing my voice in them.

  “Unfortunately, no. We needed someone in the inside and there is not a better agent fit for this.”

  I chuckle, barely holding it together. “Really, oh, please! Of course, they were! Any desk girl could do it, especially younger ones!”

  “They aren’t field agents.”

  “You don’t need to be a field agent to play a dumb wife and sneak a couple of documents when he’s drunk.”

  That’s it. I lash out. My anger is in full swing. I’m not some heartless doll that they can marry out wherever they want to.

  “First, you know that it’s too dangerous to get into the lion den unprepared and second, it’s not just some stupid documents you can just walk away with. It’s much more.”

  It seems that Erin is fed up with my tantrum. She never had a stomach for someone’s emotions for too long, but I can’t stop. I’m pacing around the room.

  “So what?! Don’t we have a number of pretty girls who are used to entertaining the rich assholes and doing some sexy espionage?”

  “There is a difference between entertaining and performing the wife duties, you know.” Erin’s patience is wearing out.

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  “Really? Since when opening legs is different?” I down the bottle of champagne, hoping its taste puts out the growing desperation inside me.

  “That’s enough, Jules.” Erin leaves the sofa and starts arranging the champagne bottles, glasses and other mess I’ve just made.

  “You knew what you’ve signed up for when you joined the NA. You gave away a part of your freedom in exchange for a greater good. That’s a price you agreed to pay, we all did.”

  “Yes, but…”

  Erin interrupts me, showering more of the ice cold reality on me.

  “Did you really think that it won’t come to this? That you will manage to escape this? That you’re special? Are you really that naive?”

  I swallow hard, shoving the tears back to where they belong – nowhere. I slump down on the floor. Was I really that naive?

  Erin joins me on the floor, wrapping her arm around me. “I’m sorry, love, but that’s the ugly truth. Our temporary freedom is nothing more than a mastered illusion. We will never escape this.”

  The familiar feeling of helplessness takes over me. There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Just death.

  “I didn’t. Nobody asked me. It was just a matter of fact. Period. I know you tend to think that I’m lucky to have a husband like Tom, but it’s a very floating impression. You see only the outer part. Super smart fancy guy who cares about me and makes sure the whole world knows about it.”

  I look at Erin, hardly believing that this cracking voice actually belongs to her. It’s Erin, our iron lady. Is this marriage really so hard on her?

  “Yes, he fancies me, but this feeling is far from reciprocal. I can’t bare his touches, his sultry voice, his begging eyes. I can’t. It’s breaking me to have the love of the man I don’t want, imagining another one on his place. And it breaks him to have the woman he loves and who doesn’t belong to him. As you see this perfect marriage is actually the shelter for two broken hearts.”

  I turn away. I didn’t even think of it. Eric… It’ll break him. It’ll break me, first. I can’t think about it now. I won’t be able to contain this, I’ll explode.

  But Erin? Who knew… How she could possibly be attached to someone? She’s always seem so independent and uninterested… It seems I didn’t know my bestie at all…

  “I’m sorry,” I pat Erin’s hand. “I didn’t know you were struggling this much… I thought you were just being stubborn. I wish you had shared it with me…”

  “I tried, Jules. I’ve tried. But if you have something carved into your mind, it stays there no matter what, you know.”

  Erin chuckles and soon I join her too. We burst into the laughter, hiding our frustration behind it. Nobody needs it.

  “I guess, we need something stronger after such revelations,” I suggest, noticing a whiskey jar in the glass cupboard in front of us.

  Erin shakes her head. “Not today, Jules. You’re already pretty drunk and you have a meeting in the morning. You don’t need more problems.”

  I roll my eyes. “Since when do you become so me?”

  Erin chuckles, helping me get up. Alcohol seems to be faster than I though as I feel the numbness spreading through my veins, slowing me down.

  “Someone needs to be.” Erin hands me over the glass with sparkling blue bubbles inside.

  Erin is right. My mind is getting cloudy, but I feel much better. Unexplained joy took over the frustration. There is a question, I need to ask her.

  “Erin… Would you be my bridesmaid? I won’t be able to do it without you…”

  Erin smiles, patting my arm. “Of course, dear. You’re not alone in this. I promise. Now drink up.”

  That’s helpful. I’ll have some company in my grief. What a relief. I down the blue sparkling water, dissolving in it.