Leo awoke to a multicolored morning sky. The cropped wheat at his back cooled him, but the sun battered down upon his front with its summer strength. The copper ashes of the Ankh Fire blew across the golden field as Leo got upright.

  He felt dazed, confused by conflicting emotions. The reality of the day struck his sleeping bliss down over the course of his first few waking moments, preceding the re-arrival of the weight. He tried to bring back the confidence from last night. He couldn’t even remember what it felt like. Leo cursed to himself, why did his own self escape him so?

  A few of his pridesmates still lay upon the grass, but the field was mostly deserted. Ajan remained snoring on the ground. He probably wouldn’t get up for some time longer.

  There was little time left. He had to find Tavr.

  Leo found Tavr sitting on his log by their Turge. He had a tendency to sit there, stiffer than the log itself, while he was waiting for Leo.

  Tavr got up from the log unsteadily. “Leo, good morning. I saw that you never made it home tonight. You and Aella…”

  “Dad, I fell asleep on the grass listening to Grisha.” I haven’t seen Aella since she berated that poor girl. You could have stopped that, you know? Eine was out of her mind, but she was just scared.”

  “I did stop it. After you left. Look Leo, I know that was distasteful to you, but Aella’s a good girl. She sounds like Ulni was when she was young, living in another village. I’ve heard stories…” Tavr’s eyes glazed back to the past momentarily, before shooting back to the present. “She’s strong, devout. If you get the opportunity tonight, you should take it. Don’t let her zeal scare you, it's a sign of her loyalty”

  Leo walked over to the side of their turge and picked up a wooden mace and his shield from its resting place before the tanned hide walls. “I don’t need to hear that from you. Come on, let’s train.” Leo tossed the mace to his father. Tavr winced as he caught it mid-air.

  “Before that, we need to go over the basics again. Nothing is more important than the basics.” Leo usually rolled his eyes every time Tavr had repeated this, which was often, but not today. He knew needed to take what his father said seriously today. Nine men, Nine Lions. Leo had watched his father’s last fight with bated breath and a light head, expecting his death, but he had triumphed even then.

  “You heard me last night, so I’ll try not to repeat myself. But remember, fighting is a mental exercise.

  Leo couldn’t help himself. “You are repeating yourself already, dad.”

  Tavr shook his head and pushed on. “Lions. They are imposing yes, especially Sols. They are bigger than you, they are stronger than you. They can’t be disarmed and you WILL NOT overpower them. They were blessed with Solarri’s strength, but we were blessed with his intelligence. If you remain in tune with the gifts that you have been given, if you stay focused and clear, you will best it. Really, what Communion truly is, it’s a test of your will, your clarity. Your ability to stand strong against something that seems insurmountable.”

  Leo stifled a scoff. Is that really all it is then dad? All in my head? His nose flared. What, Sier was just too weak-minded? He couldn’t suppress his incredulity. “And how hard will my thoughts push back against it when it decides to tackle me?”

  Tavr rubbed his temples. “You’re still not understanding Leo. If you are in the right position to guard against a Sol’s tackle when it comes, you can handle it.” He looked Leo up and down. “I know you're proud of those new muscles. But, your physical strength is least important.”

  “Oh good,” Leo said. “So the body doesn’t matter. Well then, I suppose you will never die.”

  “DAMN IT LEO!” Tavr snapped. He flung his hand forward into the space between them. “WILL YOU TAKE SOMETHING SERIOUSLY FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.” His voice boomed in the still air. “I KNOW YOU SAW SIER DIE. YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO LOSE HOPE. YOU THINK HER PAIN UNBURDENED YOU FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, LIKE HER DEATH ABSOLVES YOU OF THE GUILT OF NOT TRYING. OH I KNOW! BUT YOU HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR TWO LOVES, MOTHERS OF YOUR CHILDREN, MAULED TO DEATH. MY WIVES ARE GONE! MY FIRST SON IS GONE! MY DAUGHTER IS GONE! NEARLY MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD!

  Leo took a step back. He didn’t think he actually had the capacity to injure Tavr so.

  “You don’t remember Ulni’s death,” Tavr continued, regaining control of his usual, measured speech. But, his red eyes were still staring daggers, burning into Leo’s. “She had a flame within her that could light an Ankh Fire. It was stronger than yours. But, that didn’t save her after she lost control of her mace arm. Despite all her strength, it took one carelessly defended swipe of an Umbra’s paw to end that woman’s life. My first son, he died because he couldn’t control himself. I didn’t prepare him enough. After Poen died I couldn’t. You need to be better damn it, better than they were.” Tavr stood glaring at his son, breathing heavily until his eyes began to soften, his white eyebrows flattening above his creased face. "Look, Leo. I will die next Communion. I will.

  Leo looked upon his father, the symbol of unyielding strength that he had known all his life. His spine was beginning to bend under his large stature. His legs shook. Leo realized truly, for the first time, that his father was frail.

  “I know I haven’t been the best father to you. It’s been hard, a large part of me is already dead. But please, Leo, let the rest of me die before you do. I want to see you start a partnership, have kids. I want to meet my grandchildren. Don’t make me go out of this world alone.”

  Leo choked back tears. He never knew what to say to his father. His usual silent judgment, he hated to confront it directly. Tavr buried himself under layers, and Leo was happy to join him under the earth. It was cold and safe there. Now though, the white man was revealed. Leo would tell him what he truly felt. Really, it was simple. “I don’t want to die dad.”

  Tavr’s eyes darkened. “Then let’s train.”

  The two trained for thousands of pounding heartbeats as the sun rose higher in the sky. First, Tavr hit Leo’s shield with the mace repeatedly. Leo’s wrist shook after each blow. He was surprised that his white father still possessed such bestial strength. Then, Tavr watched silently as Leo practiced his blows in the air, over and over. Leo trained his muscles and then ran to train his heart. Finally, it was time for Leo to hone his reflexes.

  “Blocking is crucial, but it has its time and place,” Tavr said. “The force of a Lion’s swipe should only be taken when absolutely necessary. “Even if you block well, you will find the power of their strikes disorienting.” He frowned. “They’re far stronger than I. Much better to evade its strike and follow up with a swift counter attack.”

  Tavr picked the white, wooden mace up once more. Leo braced himself as his eyes wandered over its harsh form. The wooden mace was indeed just wood, lacking the strength of the hardened bone that was used during Communion, but it was still hard, and cruel. Bones could be broken. Leo shuffled back and forth. He had never been good at dodging.

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  Tavr found his eyes, recognizing his apprehension. “It’s good to be afraid of the weapon. The fear of pain will charge your dodges. Focus on the mace, and control your movements. Feel your body’s presence in space. Every move you make, every step, every twitch, should be intentional. Never, never allow yourself to lose control of your actions. Now, I won’t surprise you here. The Lion won’t know how to throw a feint. The blows will be quick and powerful, but they will be predictable. Maintain your concentration.”

  Tavr walked up closely to his son. He readied the mace and waited, his arm hanging in the air. Leo’s body was twitchy, he didn’t feel in control. The anxiety of the pain offset his carefully constructed balance.

  The first strike exploded out of Tavr’s arm, a sweeping, horizontal strike towards Leo’s center. Leo ducked low, clearing the mace by a good margin. The sound of the mace followed Leo down to the ground. As he crouched, Leo craned his neck to keep his eyes upon the hissing mace as it arced above his head. Tavr maintained the momentum of the mace through a half circle, redirecting it back towards Leo. A lower strike. Leo leapt back. He wondered how long he would have to keep this up.

  Tavr stopped the mace in the air. “That’s acceptable Leo. But, it's better if you can close the distance after an attack. Maneuver yourself into their blind spots, and lock up their movements. If the lion’s shoulder faces you after a swipe, you should step inside and strike its ribs. But, if you do manage to get a good blow in, keep your shield up. There is great strength in desperation, in both Grangari and Lions. This comes from the unchaining of the mind, the release of the more mature inhibitions. When you’ve gotten your opponent to this state, you’ve already won. Exploit their tired mind.

  Tavr gave Leo a small nod, then raised his mace high in the air above his head. After a few moments he leapt forward, delivering an overhead blow. Leo sidestepped the blow and watched the mace pass close by his face, hissing in the air. If that had hit me… The Blood Temple could heal any wounds, but only if he survived the distance to an altar. I suppose I should be proud of his confidence in me. THWACK!

  The mace had been redirected and hit him in the stomach. His breath escaped him, thrust out with a forced exhale. He tried to breathe in, but no air would enter. Detached from his body, he watched himself fall to the ground from a distance. “HUrghh” He lay floundering on the ground, attempting to take in any life. White lines and dots swam in his head as he stared up at a pulsing sky. Eventually he managed a wheeze, then more followed. He turned his head to see his father standing stiffly to the side, mace hanging in a shaking hand. As his face came into clearer focus, Leo could see the emotions in his red eyes, shrouded by bushy brows. He was sad. Ashamed.

  Leo got himself up with great difficulty and turned away, he couldn’t bear to look at that. He walked in the opposite direction of his father, one unsteady step after another. Something stopped him, an arm wrapped around his middle. Tavr was behind him, hugging him. Leo couldn’t remember the last time that his father had touched him, aside from a few stiff pats on the back or a hand on the shoulder. Leo’s heart dropped in his chest. He was saying goodbye.

  Leo walked on, and on. He didn’t know where he was going, but he was going somewhere, somewhere away from where he had been. He looked up at the mountains and their foothills. Dark clouds were coming over the peaks, squeezing their way through the cracks of the gray rock. The mountains, their powerful, grand isolation, their relegation from the expansive golden hills below them, their green tranquility drew him in. So, he walked.

  His emotions were trapped, chained in his bruised chest, containing the burn. At first, all he felt was stiffening anger. But, as he walked, as he moved closer to The Bulwarks, the chains began to loosen and drop away. The burn escaped. This wasn’t the same as the flood, and the pressing weight had been broken by Tavr’s harsh strike. He was free of dread, there was nothing more to worry about. He was finished, broken. It was time to accept his reality.

  Water fell. It fell from the sky. It fell and stung his face. First a trickle, then a flood. But Leo kept walking towards the mountains, mud covering his ankles.

  Why do I put myself through this? It’s a joke. Pointless. I’m just too slow, always have been. Visions of Sier pushed through him. The Umbra tackling her, her muffled screams. He remembered Tavr’s shocked, helpless look as they watched her small body get ravaged, devoured. Tavr did die that day. He won’t cry the same way this time. Leo chuckled painfully, salty rain covering his mouth. All this worry and work… fuck it.

  He looked out from a high bluff and watched the dark clouds cover his village, blotting out the glowing sun. The rain fell on. Leo thought about all that he would lose. His body, his community, his friends, his love. Leo pictured Aella’s face. The warm, glowing potential of life, all dashed. Rathanni played with his hopes. To build him up and throw him back down. What kind of response did he want to elicit?

  He had thought he won, thought he proved his zeal. But yesterday was washed away. If he was truly worthy, why did he have to wonder about it so damn much? Why the doubt? The course of these last few days seemed so erratic. Rathanni’s message was confused. If someone was born weak or worthy, as Pait believes, then life is just a river. Rain’s journey is set the moment it lands on the ground. Did he have any control over its flow? No, of course not! He can’t stand to the side of it, he can’t stand above it. Watch it, be aware of it as it sweeps you away. And be happy, be grateful for its cruelty. Fuck it! Death was coming, and he just had to walk into it. The point is to face it.

  Mud upon an incline above spewed down upon Leo’s legs as he turned away from the bluff. It caked his skin. This rain was intolerable. Leo noticed the shallow void of a cave to the side of him, and he walked steadily towards it. When he walked inside the smell of still, damp air choked him.

  Leo tried to collect himself. The confines of the cave bottled his emotions up, making him swim in them. His thoughts were no longer able to escape into the storm. He began to pace relentlessly. The pounding rain battered the earth above him. The dark walls of the cave encroached ever closer to him, squeezing him. They collapsed in on him. Time is passing, I can’t stop it. It pushes forward with the force of a hundred thousand blows, the weight of mountains. I can’t stop it. All I can do is struggle helplessly, struggle until its clutches come close enough to grab my naked wrists and pull me into the cold void. There’s no time left. What’s left will pass, and then it will all be over.

  Leo continued his short, rapid paces. With every cycle, he moved slowly deeper into the void. After hundreds of stagnant turns, his foot squelched into something dank and dripping, and the smell of rotting flesh exploded into the air. He looked down into the dark stone and saw the remains of a carcass, covered in crimson mushrooms. Just then, a depraved figure appeared in the entrance. It was sopping wet, its dripping chest fur dragging along the dark stone as it entered. The ragged, deep sound of a low snarl echoed off the cave walls. Its red eyes stared Leo down.

  Leo looked at the Sol and yelled at it. The muscles of his arms and legs contracted, and his abdomen began to cramp. He ran out of the cave, past the Sol and into the dim light. He felt so angry.

  Leo looked up at the bleeding sky and yelled into the clouds. “YOU TAUNT ME STILL! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO ANGER YOU SO? WHY DO I EXIST IF JUST TO DIE? WHY DID YOU PUT ME UPON THIS LAND JUST TO SUFFER” Rain soaked his body. “WHAT’S THE POINT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT YOU WANTED. I’VE TRIED MY BEST! BUT, NOTHING THAT I DO IS ENOUGH. THERE’S NO PARTNERSHIP WITH THE DIVINE, JUST COMMANDS. AND YOU WON’T EVEN MAKE YOUR FUCKING COMMANDS CLEAR!” More cold rain. “YOU WON’T GIVE ME ANY ASSURANCE. YOU WONT EVEN GIVE ME A FUCKING ANSWER?” Leo no longer knew what was his sadness and what was his anger, it was all the same wet, stinging confluence, pouring out of him. “SO AM I SUPPOSED TO STRUGGLE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT? WHY DO I TRY. YOU GIVE ME NO WAY OUT. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS FROM YOU?” “The rain aggravated Leo, each cold drop pulling at his frayed being. He wanted to punch every drop. But, there was no use fighting against the sky. Even this there is no point to. I torture myself for living. The weight did not go away. The future still thrust itself upon his mind with no reprieve. No amount of anger, no divine emotion, nor any rationality could change the reality. The anger poured out of him in waves. “Do you simply hate me, is that it? Is my existence an affront to your dignity? What do you expect of me? I’VE TRIED, DAMN IT?. IF YOU WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING, WHY DON’T YOU MAKE IT CLEAR? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FROM ME. STOP YOUR TORTURE! Leo’s head felt light, and he stumbled down. “I’m doing what I can.”

  A ray of white light hit his head and he looked back up at the sky. The clouds were beginning to clear. Leo’s tight chest released. He was spent. He stumbled over to a large, coppery boulder sticking out of the mud. Leo clambered onto it and sat upon its rough surface, one of his arms resting on an upright knee, hanging his head. The sun was coming out again in force. He could hear the ground crackling as earth sucked up water, while the sun tried to wrench it back into the sky with its rays. The sunlight warmed his dripping body, face, and mind. He lay there for a thousand, slow heartbeats. It wasn’t over yet. He had a chance. One chance. Make it count.