The two-headed Menace fought with the three guards, crushing their shiny carapaces like they were made of leaves with its powerful wing-chops and boiling one to death inside his suit by belching scalding flames all over him.
When the only survivors, the Taxman and a guard who had broken his right hand and lost his shield, fled for the hills atop the draft horse, the Goose2 began wrenching apart the dead guards and peeling away their armour to get to their soft internals.
Afterwards, it devoured the stacks of wheat and snorted the flour. Then it turned its two heads towards us, where we stood at the heart of the Hamlet. Imu, myself, and a score of idle minions stared back. Fortunately, the monstrosity only opened its beaks and honked loudly, before setting fire to the abandoned cart and taking to the air again.
“What do you think happens if I die while possessing the Mayor’s body?”
“You should return to your core… I think…”
I instinctively shot myself out the Mayor’s body, just in case the Goose2 Menace decided to fly overhead and burn us to a crisp with its potent flames.
“Do you think they’ll come back for more tax?”
Imu sighed, adopting a defeated expression. “If there’s one thing you can bet on, it’s that the Tax Collectors always get their taxes.”
After the second cattle frog had been slaughtered, to an impromptu mourning song of the remaining three frogs in the pen, I had the Butcher bring the meat to the Firepit next to the Workbench, such that we could cap off the final requirement for my evolution into a Village with a celebratory feast.
The Mayor, whose body I was wearing, the Builders, the Baker, the Butcher, the crying Breeder, and many of my other minions, like the perpetually-idle Farmers, were gathered around the small fire, while the Butcher whistled a jaunty tune as he kept rotating the giant frog leg he had plonked onto the ash-white embers.
“Why did you bring all of them here?” Imu asked.
“We’re celebrating.”
“You didn’t celebrate your last evolution like this?”
“We’re not celebrating my coming evolution, but rather the defeat of our mortal foe: the frogs.”
“…Okay. Right. That is pretty grim, not gonna lie.”
A few things happened all at once, when the Butcher lifted the roasted frog leg into the air like a trophy to a rousing cheer from all who were gathered around them.
First, an achievement appeared:
Congratulations! For cooking your first piece of meat, you unlocked the ability to construct a Grill and to craft a Firepoker, Steak Knife, and Steak Fork! LET FIRE CONSUME ALL YOUR ENEMIES!!!
[Crafting List]
>Structures>Crafting
—Grill (Workbench & Anvil)—
Combines with a Firepit to allow for the cooking of food without getting it all ashy and increases minion motivation in nearby structures when in use
Required Materials: Wrought Iron
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>Items>Tools
—Firepoker (Workbench & Anvil)—
Grants Poke-the-Fire skill and increases Fire-Tending efficiency by 60%
Inflicts fire damage when hot to both the wielder and those hit by the weapon.
Required Materials: Wrought Iron
—Steak Fork (Workbench & Anvil)—
Grants Pretty Eater skill and increases minion Satisfaction from all meals consumed with this utensil by 5%
Required Materials: Wood & Wrought Iron
—Steak Knife (Workbench & Anvil)—
Grants Pretty Eater skill and increases minion Satisfaction from all meals consumed with this utensil by 5%
Required Materials: Wood & Wrought Iron
Off the heels of the newly-unlocked items came a loud ravenous honk that split the forest air like a thunderstrike, before the Goose2 Menace landed atop the firepit, immediately snatching the ashy overcooked frog leg from the Butcher’s hand, before setting fire to many of the assembled minions with its other head.
Finally, due to fulfilling all the evolution requirements, I was dragged out of the Mayor’s body, just as the Goose2’s downward wing-chop cut him in two down the middle, as though an impossibly-sharp sword.
My perspective of the world was drawn-out and blurred, while the monster went wild on my now-panicking flock of minions.
Congratulations! For evolving into a Village, your list of buildings available has expanded and your demesne has grown! NOW, GET UP, YOU FAT SOW!!! ENOUGH SLEEPING!!!
“Toad! Toad!” Imu’s face was visible through the opening of the tree-cave, his enormous eyes staring intently at me.
“I feel bigger,” I replied sleepily, as though waking from a long slumber.
“We can look at how you’ve changed later! For now, we need to do something about the Goose2, it’s gone completely insane. Already, half your minions are dead, and the rest are in hiding, with only the Baker, Breeder, and Butcher able to withstand the beasts attacks, armed as they are with the uncooked pieces of frog legs you brought for the feast.”
I immediately shot out of my core in my essence form, such that I could witness the scene before me. A few houses, along with the Workbench, Firepit, and Bakery, were either totally destroyed or partially-ruined, thanks to the rampaging Goose2.
“Your minions can’t hurt it!” Imu informed me.
“I actually have an idea,” I told him. It was strange, I hadn’t noticed it much following my evolution to a Hamlet, but now, as a Village Core, I suddenly had new ideas and could think more than one thought at the same time.
Imu looked at me, impressed. “What?”
“Watch this,” I told him. I ordered one of the cowering Foragers behind the Butchershop to run at the Honking Menace, which was slowly eating away at the shield of frog legs that the Baker had armed himself with. As the brave Forager ran towards certain death, I supercharged him with my essence and, just when he got right next to the Goose2, the overwhelming surge of my power entering his body made him expand and then explode like frog rapidly filled with gas.
A blinding light expanded outward, along with a rippling shockwave that destroyed several of the already-ruined houses, while also creating a crater at the centre of the settlement.
“Unholy turds!” Imu profaned.
As the smoke cleared, I felt confident that my plan had worked, but then, at the centre of the new crater, the Goose yet stood, hardly a scratch on his iron-strong feathers.
“…that was…”
I waited eagerly for Imu to praise me.
“The dumbest thing you’ve done yet! Are you actually out of your blessed mind, you chewed-up-dog-toy-for-a-brain amphibian!!”
Congratulations! For making the rather injudicious decision of self-combusting a minion by pumping it full of essence, as a means of self-defence, you have gained the [Does my shit stink?] perk! MAYBE NEXT TIME THINK ABOUT THINGS FOR MORE THAN A SECOND, YOU ******* ******** FROG WANNABE!!!
[Does my shit stink?] – Lets alternate versions of yourself, from future, present, and past, peer-review your ideas by voting via a very simple “Yes” or “No” answer.
“Even the new System Lady thought it was dumb…” I complained.
“Let’s just say, it was easily the dumbest thing I have seen a Core do in two millennia. And I watched a Core try to take control of a slime by inserting its own Core into it, but given the acidic nature of slimes, you can imagine how that went… Even then, he did not wilfully attempt to utilise his essence as a bomb!!”
To put my new Perk to the test, I tossed out the question: “Was it a bad idea?”
Overwhelmingly, the response was: 102,75% “No”.
Imu groaned loudly. “…Your new perk is useless. Big surprise there.”
“How is it more than 100%?” I asked.
“Also,” he continued, ignoring my question, “You killed your Baker and Breeder with that galaxy-brained move. Truly the epitome of a fuck-up!”
As he continued to berate me, the Honking Menace wandered over to the corpse of my Baker, who had died clutching a half-eaten giant frog leg. It sunk both of its beaks into the frog leg, and then flapped its four wings and took to the sky, leaving behind utter devastation.
“I’ll get to work respawning,” I told Imu, mostly so he would stop shouting at me.
