It's been a week since our field trip to the cafe. Ms. Mikado and I just finished lip reading for the day and she's packing up.
She shakes her head,
I feel my stomach turn over. But much to my surprise, it isn't just from negative feelings.
Doing this completely spur of the moment is not ideal for me. It makes me very anxious.
But I also kind of like the idea of doing something with Ms. Mikado because the st field trip went so well. It made me feel so much better about leaving the house and resuming my old life. So I think I also feel…excited, underneath the anxiety.
She beams,
I feel myself get less excited but also less nervous about this outing.
One of the few household things I used to do was the grocery shopping. But I haven't since I got hurt. The supermarket is somewhere I know well. And not a pce where I need to talk very much. And it shouldn't be very crowded at this time.
And actually, tomorrow is…
She notices my hesitation,
Ms. Mikado gasps dramatically and puts her hand to her chest before signing,
I ugh and shake my head,
It's because she focuses all of her energy on doing things for me. To a fault. But that's embarrassing to say and I'm not sure how to sign it anyway.
Ms. Mikado beams and taps a finger on her chin as she looks off to the side. For a moment, I swear I can see her eyes twinkling like she's a manga character. I start to worry she's going to suggest something crazy that neither me nor my mom would be comfortable with.
Just when I'm about to pull her back to reality she excitedly signs,
I'm so surprised by her reasonable suggestion that I'm momentarily stunned. But Ms. Mikado must take my hesitancy as a sign that I think it's a bad idea.
Her smile droops a little,
Her smile grows,
I sigh,
I haven't really done any lip reading other than with Ms. Mikado. It is something I need to practice if I'm going to start doing the shopping again or going to university, though.
…
We're at the supermarket. As expected, it's not too crowded.
I slowly fingerspell,
Ms. Mikado lets out a “Wahaha~,” before signing
She puts her hand over her mouth and chuckles before signing,
I fingerspell,
She points to the butcher counter which happens to be about 5 meters away,
She must see the anxiety I'm feeling on my face,
The man behind it doesn't look up from packaging ground beef when he says, “Bzbzbzbzjbzbzj.”
I feel my pulse quicken. I couldn't see his lips at all. I panic and take a look at Ms. Mikado. She calmly signs,
I feel embarrassed that I didn't think of it myself, but panic will do that to you.
“What was that, sir?”
This time he looks up at me and more slowly says, “Bzbzbzbzbzbzbj.”
Okay, I only picked up about two words - ‘What’ and 'today,’ but based on what someone would normally say here, I think he asked ‘What can I get for you today?’
I point at what I want under the gss, “C-can I have that cut of beef tenderloin and 400 grams of bacon, please?”
He nods and goes about packaging up my meat. Then he says something else while his head is down.
I do what I did before.
“What was that, sir?”
He looks at me this time and repeats himself. I missed everything except what I think was ‘mignon.’ I again use the context to fill in everything else. At least, I hope I filled it in. Lip reading is kind of a guessing game where I have to use the little evidence I have to figure out what someone might have said. And right now the evidence is especially limited. If I'm wrong, he's going to look at me like I'm crazy. But…that's just part of it.
“Y-yes we're making filet mignon.”
He smiles and gives me a thumbs up before handing me the packages of the meat.
As I take the meat, I feel far too proud at being able to make it through that. When I turn around I see Ms. Mikado is literally jumping for joy and appuding. It’s a little embarrassing, but it also makes me smile and it validates my proud feeling.
After that, we go about getting some vegetables and other groceries that my mom had written down on a list at home. And Ms. Mikado gets a few things she needs. It's rgely uneventful, and I don't have to talk with anyone else.
Now we're about to check out, and Ms. Mikado nudges me ahead to deal with the cashier.
As he scans our items, he says “Bzbzbzbzbzjbzbz.”
I watch his lips closely and from the couple of words I pick up, plus the context I figure out he probably asked ‘Will that be all today?’
“Yes sir, thank you.”
When I go to pay for everything with the debit card for my mom's bank account, Ms. Mikado bumps me out of the way with her shoulder and swipes hers.
“B-but it's expensive.”
She holds up a finger to me as she puts in her PIN. I wouldn't be able to understand her response, so there's no point in arguing right now.
After we finish, we divvy up the bags. I get the ones that are for our house, while Ms. Mikado takes her groceries as well as the tenderloin and bacon.
Crap. I just realized she's going to have to make the filet mignon too. I'm so useless.
I put the bags down on a bench outside the supermarket,
She slides her bags down her forearm and signs,
She nods,
She stops signing and her eyes get wide and she shakes her head. If I didn't know better, I'd say she's a little embarrassed. But I don't think she feels that emotion.
What a weirdo. But what she's doing is very sweet. So she can be weird all she wants.
…
My mom just got home from work and after looking in the refrigerator in wonder, communicated her delight.
She shrugs,
I nod,
My mom looks pleased by this development,
I nod,
My mom puts her hand on my shoulder,
I nod,
After that she makes dinner, we eat, and then study for a while.
Once I'm at my limit I sign,
My mom nods,
Shit. I don't want to tell her Ms. Mikado is bringing lunch because it would spoil the surprise. And if she finds out she'll probably try to shut it down.
We did not think this part through.
That means I just have to let her do this.
I should suggest something that is easy to make and that keeps well.
My mom looks at me like she's never met me before. I don't bme her. I've never requested such a lunch.
< That is what you want?>
My mom narrows her eyes at me for what seems like an eternity. But then she shrugs,
Thank God we're actually having meat for lunch tomorrow and not just pickled vegetables and rice balls.
The next morning I wake up to a text from Ms. Mikado, “I'm outside your apartment building. Text me when it's a good time to sneak the food in.”
It's 8 a.m. and she's already out there? She must really love my mom.
When I head out into the hall, I can hear my mom getting ready in her room. And when I get downstairs, I see that my mom has already made breakfast.
Realizing this is the perfect time, I text Ms. Mikado. When I let her in I see she has packaged the filet mignon into bento boxes that I can already smell heavenly. She also has a small store bought cake that she must have grabbed this morning.
We silently start to put things into the fridge, hiding them behind other stuff. But then I hear the sound of my mom heading down the stairs. Ms. Mikado uses her eyes alone to tell me ‘Do something!’
I rush over to the stairs and say, “Happy birthday!” Then I awkwardly hug my mom on the stairs, when she's in between steps.
She ughs and hugs me back despite the awkward positioning. I hold the hug until my mom starts patting me on the back to say, ‘That's enough.’
I hope that gave her enough time.
When we get downstairs, Ms. Mikado is gone and I breathe a sigh of relief.
My mom gives me a look and signs,
I ugh awkwardly,
My mom narrows her eyes at me for a moment. This is now two days in a row when I did some out of character stuff. She might be suspicious. But as long as she doesn't know exactly what's going on, that's fine.
…
It's lunch time. Once the lesson is over both Ms. Mikado and I dart to the kitchen before my mom can even stand up.
We start reheating the filet mignon and my mom walks into the kitchen with her arms crossed and a funny look on her face. She looks confused and frustrated, but also curious.
I sign,
My mom sighs and does as she's asked.
A few minutes ter, Ms. Mikado and I join her. We bring the pickled vegetables she made as well as the filets, so that the meal is a little more banced.
I put my mom's pte down in front of her and she smiles at me, but it doesn't really reach her eyes.
That's how she always looks when I do something like this for her. It drives me crazy.
Just enjoy that we did something for you, woman!
Once we're all seated Ms. Mikado and I sign,
My mom replies,
When most people say ‘you shouldn't have’ they don't mean it. But my mom does. I'm not going to tell Ms. Mikado, though.
Ms. Mikado pats me on the shoulder,
My mom's smile looks a little more legitimate now,
My mom takes a bite and signs to Ms. Mikado,
After that we eat in uncharacteristic silence. I mean, I guess we're always silent now that we switched to sign 100% of the time, but usually we manage to have a conversation while we do it, even if it can be a little stunted by us holding utensils.
I know the situation is awkward when I have a hard time enjoying steak wrapped in bacon, which would normally be delicious.
Crap. This WAS too much for my mom. I didn't think it would be. Ms. Mikado is almost family at this point, so I thought it would be okay.
I look over at Ms. Mikado who is just smiling and enjoying her meal. It doesn't look like she noticed anything. I'm gd. I don't want her to know that my mom isn't thrilled that we did this.
…
When my mom gets home from work ter that evening, she hands me a note. We can communicate most day-to-day stuff by sign at this point. So, any time she gives me a note, I know it's something important and complex that is tough for us to communicate in sign nguage. I have a feeling I know what it's about, so I sigh as I begin to read it.
On the first day of css, I never would have guessed you and Ms. Mikado would work together to give me a surprise birthday meal. I'm gd to see you two are getting along. In fact, I can't remember the st time you had such a friendly retionship with someone. And that's great.
But what you two did today made me very uncomfortable. You know I don't like that kind of thing. Please don't do it again.
I sigh and put her note down, “I thought it was small enough that you would be okay with it. Sorry.”
Normally I just let this slide. But it's bothering me more this time. I don't know why.
She replies,
I interrupt her, “But can I ask why you don't like that kind of thing? I mean, I don't like it either when it's a lot of people. But I'm a social outcast and you're a social butterfly. And it was just us and a woman you really like. Who is at our house constantly. And it was just food.”
My mom sighs and asks me to hand her the paper she wrote her note on. She sits down, turns it over and starts writing on the other side. After a couple of minutes she hands me her note.
I just don't like being fussed over. It doesn't feel right to me. Ms. Mikado worked very hard to cook that and sneak it over here this morning and she's a very busy woman. I don't want her spending her time that way. Or her money. I can't believe you let her pay!
My mom insisted on paying her back. And she did. But I guess she's still mad about it happening at all.
After I read it I sigh, “I agree that she shouldn't have paid. That was all her. She literally pushed me out of the way to do it.”
My mom nods approvingly.
“But mom, it's your birthday. It's okay to be fussed over on your birthday. At least a little. You fuss over me every second of every day. You deserve it too sometimes.”
She shakes her head,
She stands up and signs,
…
I just got in bed for the night. As I'm setting my arm clock for the next morning, I get a text from Ms. Mikado,“We messed up today didn't we. :(“
I sigh.
Dammit. I thought she didn't notice. She's more observant than I think. Those smiles of hers can be like camoufge. I saw it and assumed she was blissfully ignorant.
I reply, “A little. My mom is hard to do nice stuff for. She always gets like that. But I know she enjoyed it. She just also feels guilty that someone did something for her.”
Ms. Mikado replies, “That's annoying. But it's good to know she's not perfect! I was starting to wonder! Oh well! I'm gonna do nice stuff if I feel like it, and she just has to accept it!”
I ugh at Ms. Mikado's brazenness. I'm not sure that’s the best approach. But I don't want to discourage her either.
I've never really talked to someone else about this side of my mom. Or even talked to her about it as much as I did today. But it made me realize something.
Deep down, my mom's unhappy. At least a little bit. Otherwise she wouldn't be so uncomfortable when people do things for her. I have no idea what she would be unhappy about, though.
I'm gd Ms. Mikado is here to help me figure this out.