Right now, I'm at my mom's café with Madoka. We've met up here a couple of times since the field trip a few weeks ago. It's been good to practice with someone other than my mom and Ms. Mikado. And I genuinely enjoy talking to her. She’s progressed a lot over the st few weeks, and it makes me happy that she’s doing all this just so she can be a good girlfriend. I’m only doing it because I have to. She’s doing it because she wants to.
Today we are talking about our families. It gives us lots of different vocabury to use, plus it's interesting to hear about her family. She must think it's interesting too because she has asked many questions about my mom.
I fingerspell,
Now I ask her,
<58, I think.>
I sometimes forget how much older most people's parents are. It seems weird to me since all I’ve ever known is a mom who is only a couple decades older than me. I can't even fathom my mom being almost 60. But Madoka probably thinks it's weird my mom is barely out of her 30s.
She giggles,
She nods,
She fingerspells,
She nods,
Oh. We both talked about our moms first, so it makes sense she thinks we're doing the same with our dads. I don't have much to say, though.
I take a moment to think about what I want to say, and how I need to sign it,
From her curious expression, I can tell Madoka has many questions she isn't sure she should ask. I decide to head her off at the pass.
She frowns,
She shrugs, She smiles,
I ugh,
Madoka suddenly turns crimson and chews on her lip. I haven't seen her get embarrassed yet. It's pretty cute. The blush really shows on her fair skin.
She signs, and then she puts a finger to her lips. It's not officially sign nguage for ‘Keep it secret, she doesn't know I feel that way yet,’ but it may as well be.
I nod to indicate I get her meaning,
Madoka looks off to the side as she thinks,
I tilt my head to the side,
Madoka shakes her head,
Wow. Madoka is really patient. At least it paid off.
She's sharing a lot about herself. Maybe I should tell her I'm gay too. I've never willingly told anyone but my mom. Madoka's obviously a safe person to tell.
I feel my heart start to race as I consider how to communicate my biggest secret.
Madoka looks at her phone and frowns,
I rex a little, because I don't have time to tell her now. But there's also some disappointment mixed in.
Maybe next time.
There's a mischievous glint in her eyes as she signs,
She picks up her phone and points to it. I nod.
She smiles,
She taps on her phone a few times and then puts it down on the table so we can look at it together.
It's two young women. One of them is clearly Akane. She doesn’t look that much different from her appearance today, but it must be a picture from 7 or 8 years ago, because it looks like she’s graduating from high school based on her uniform and the diploma case she is holding. She's smiling really wide and has her arm around an utterly ridiculous-looking woman who is also smiling.
The first thing I notice about the other woman is her bubblegum pink hair. But that's not even the craziest thing about it. That would be the fact that her hair is styled into two huge spirals that hang over each of her shoulders. It looks like pink spaghetti twirled on the end of a fork.
How did she even make it look like that? I've always had short hair and keeping it longer and styling it normally sounds exhausting to me. But those spirals must REALLY take forever.
As I start to look at this woman more closely, I see she has light brown, almost golden eyes, and a very familiar smile.
I'm so surprised that I blurt out, “M-ms. Mikado!?”
Madoka ughs at my outburst,
I shake my head,
Madoka chuckles,
I chuckle,
Madoka shrugs,
I chuckle,
I think on this for a moment. That's a pretty damn good way of summing her up. ‘A lot, but worth it.’ I'll have to remember that.
She ughs,
Ms. Mikado and I are on another field trip, this time to the university library. It's another important step in helping me feel like I can resume my normal life, so I'm excited about it, but also pretty anxious as I always am when I have to do this kind of thing. But I have to escape the comfort of my house or I’ll never get to put lip reading into practice.
We just arrived and Ms. Mikado is looking around the library lobby in awe. It's really not that impressive. It's mostly a big room filled with computer stations and a few help desks. The very center of the building, where the stacks are, is transparent gss, so you can see floors and floors of books even in the lobby if you look up. It's kind of cool, I guess, but not awe-inspiring, even to me. And I like books. It's like she's never been in a library before.
Wait a minute…
I smirk at her,
Ms. Mikado scoffs at me and her cheeks turn a little pink,
She rolls her eyes,
She fingerspells,
I know that's a medium-sized city in Ibaraki Prefecture, but I've never even heard of the university.
My confusion must show on my face because she adds,
Well, I'm a jerk. Didn't even know Japan had one of those. And now I'm basically deaf. I should probably do better learning about that kind of thing. It's like…part of who I am, now.
She nods and I can detect a hint of annoyance in her eyes as she signs,
Well crap. I think I really hurt her feelings. Not that she'd ever show it in a big way, but even looking a little annoyed means a lot with her.
I nod, feeling embarrassed,
She sighs,
She's on edge? I wonder why? Clearly she wants us to move on from this topic, but I can't help but wonder.
She starts to look around, as if she'll see a sign that says ‘Reina gets her books here’ or something. Then she looks at me and says,
I nod, and head towards the circution desk. I requested a book that is ready for me to pick it up. She follows closely behind me with her arms crossed.
I stop a few meters from the desk and point,
I'm relieved when she looks more like herself as she signs,
I nod and walk up to the desk, where a male student is working. He's very tall, and has his long dark hair in a ponytail. He's so much bigger than me that it intimidates me a little. But it shouldn't. I get out my student ID and pce it down on the desk, “E-excuse me. I am here to pick up a book.”
He nods and takes my ID and says, “Bzbzbzjzbzbzbzjbz.”
Huh. Him being taller actually kind of makes it easier to read his lips, since there's no way for him to look down where I can't see them. Still, I only picked up about half of what he said.
I make a guess using the context and the words I picked up, “The book should be Women's Lives during the Meiji Restoration .”
He nods and looks at his computer screen, says what must have been ‘be back in a second,’ and heads to the shelves that are behind him. He comes back, scans the book and hands it to me. I thank him and then turn around. Ms. Mikado is smiling and giving me a thumbs up, but she's definitely more muted than normal.
Between how easy I annoyed her earlier and her less joyful demeanor, I'm starting to worry about her.
As I move to join her while thinking of how I might be able to cheer her up, I hear someone say “Bzbzbbzbzjzbz.” I ignore it, as I'm starting to learn to do in these settings. People are never talking to me, so it's worked out.
But then the owner of the voice gets closer to me and says something again. In my peripheral vision, I see someone walking towards me. I turn towards the sound, and recognize the person, who is looking right at me and saying something.
She's talking to me.
It's Sakura, the student I sit next to in my Creative Writing capstone. She's a small, friendly girl with chestnut-colored shoulder length hair and brown eyes.
She's a writer like me. We've had several csses together over the years. We really only talk in css, but every now and then we run into each other like this and chat.
Even though I know her - or maybe because I do - I start to panic. I try to say something. But I just end up opening and closing my mouth. I feel like a fish gasping for air.
Lipreading so far has been a lot more predictable. Situations I have been in a lot. But this is completely spontaneous. I have no idea what she's saying.
My acquaintance now looks up at me with concern and says something else I have no way of understanding. It sends me spiraling even more as I fail to understand even one sylble of her speech.
Just as I'm about to really lose it, I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder and turn to see Ms. Mikado standing next to me. She says something to the girl and then signs,
I nod, and take a deep breath. Ms. Mikado's presence and the physical contact help me calm down. Now I think I can actually speak.
“H-hi Sakura. Sorry. I know it sounds weird but I um…got hurt, and c-can't understand speech anymore.”
Sakura replies, and Ms. Mikado immediately begins signing.
This is what it would be like to have her as an interpreter. It sure is convenient.
“Y-yeah, it's been a bummer not being able to go.” I gesture towards Ms. Mikado, “B-but um, this is my t-teacher, Ms. Mikado, and sh-she's helping me get ready to c-come back. And transting right now.”
The two of them exchange what must be introductions, and then Sakura says something else.
“I hope so. Probably a semester te, though.”
She nods,
I nod, “N-nice talking to you.”
She walks off and I feel completely exhausted by the ordeal.
It's so pathetic that a short conversation qualifies as an ‘ordeal’ for me. Talking to her outside of css would already have stressed me out, but now with this new barrier it feels ten times worse.
I look at Ms. Mikado, who is giving me a warm smile now,
I nod,
She smiles,
I think that makes it three panic attacks she saved me from. Too bad I don't get to have her with me full time.
We go outside and take a seat on a bench outside the library before we part for the day. I feel pretty shitty about everything, and I must not be hiding it, because Ms. Mikado looks worried.
After some silence she signs,
I nod,
She smiles,
She smiles,
I grimace and look down, cringing at my behavior on the day we met.
I look back up at her and smile,
As I look at her, I notice she looks more worn out than usual. She looks a little tired around the eyes, and her smile isn't as sharp as it usually is.
She said she was on edge about something. And she hasn't quite been herself all day. Something must be bothering her.
She does so much for me and I never do anything for her. Maybe I can help.
She raises an eyebrow,
I nod,
She raises both of her eyebrows now,
I feel my heart sink.
I somehow forgot she's my teacher. Not my friend. And now I feel hurt that she won't talk to me when I have no right to feel that way. I'm so freaking stupid.
After that, I quickly apologize and we part ways. As I head home, I remember that she said our css has a month left. I start to get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach about our css only having a month left. I'm not sure why.
Maybe I'm nervous about being on my own with this disability, and unsure whether or not I can make enough progress to be functional in the amount of time we have left.
Whatever it is, I don't feel good.
I'm depressed, stressed, and anxious. It's a horrible cocktail of emotions. So horrible that I'm unable to take my afternoon nap.
After giving up on my nap, I head downstairs to the kitchen table and start studying. When I open my ptop, I find an email waiting for me.
Dear Ms. Kato,
There's been a little bit of a schedule change around here. Due to some internal restructuring, our Yuri volume has switched pces with one originally scheduled for August. This means we'll be needing your pitch one week from today, instead of in another six weeks. I apologize for the inconvenience.
We look forward to working with you!
“ UGH!,” I sm both of my fists on the dining table, on either side of my ptop, feeling completely overwhelmed.
Could this day get any worse? I already feel horrible because I'm worried about rejoining society. I already feel like a pathetic piece of shit because I mistook what Ms. Mikado and I have as an actual friendship when she's just my freaking teacher.
Now I'm reminded that I'm no longer able to do the one thing in life I'm supposed to be good at.
I can't do anything right. I'm not good at anything. I can't even write anymore.
No one likes me. I don't have any friends. Between my disability and my social anxiety, why am I even trying to be a normal person? I'm not normal. I should just give up.
I gnce towards the stairs, and feel a strong desire to run up them and lock myself in my room. Away from everything. At a time like this I'm very tempted to go back to who I was in middle school.
Realizing I'm on the edge of a total meltdown,
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I'm embarrassed to feel a tear run down my cheek when I do.
I count to ten, and then open my eyes again, feeling a little better.
I'm not out of time yet. I have a week left to figure something out. I got that book from the library hoping it would shake an idea loose.
If I don't figure something out in time, maybe I'll lock myself in my room. At that point, I'll be sure that I can't write anymore. I'll be sure that there's nothing about me that's worthwhile. And I can give up.
But right now, I still have time.
I get out the book I got from the library and begin poring over it, hoping to find some desperately needed inspiration.