Chapter 4. I Want to Make You Feel

  -Ai Suzuki-

  Lying in my bed te at night, I look up at the ceiling with an absent expression. I was completely and utterly alone in my covers, the light from a mp illuminating the area, and an unfinished drawing of Naomi pced onto the stand by my bed. I look at it for a few moments, but it brings me little soce, absolutely nothing compared to the real Naomi.

  She was asleep in her own house by now. I usually would be too, considering it was midnight, but the day's events repeated over and over in my mind. I could barely get her out of my head, with how she was today and all.

  I think... today was the cutest she had ever been. The thought of her yipping and barking on the ground like a bitch was so gratifying, leaving me wanting more. And, hell, her body writhing under me like that, twitching, drooling and whimpering like a messy animal was... amazing. I couldn't stop smiling, and it got to its worst point when she passed out. I grinned so much that my lips started to hurt, though, maybe that was just soreness from kissing her.

  That being said, I didn't really enjoy kissing her that much. Feeling the inside of her mouth with my tongue was nice, I guess, but it would have been the same if I just used my finger or something. It was sort of a spur of the moment thing, a desire to know what would happen if I shocked her while doing that. It was more than worth it, however, the look of bliss and agony upon her face.

  I wanted to push her limits further, experiment more, watch her squirm, her expression quiver, her mind break into tiny little pieces under me. And, I think I got close to that. This was an absolute perfect start to summer vacation...

  All apart from one thing.

  Kanako Maki, the Student Council Secretary.

  I've never actually interacted with her, but I've seen her talk to Naomi time and time again. That's fine, I suppose, it's a must for Student Council work, I'm sure. However, she invited her out on Thursday. She's trying to take Naomi away from me that day.

  A spike of anger pulsated through me at the idea. The sheer gall that girl had...!

  It felt like she was suspicious of Naomi, too, from what I heard beyond the door to her room. Not only does she steal my precious Naomi time, she's trying to expose her secrets? What does she have against us?! Not that she knows I was even there, I guess. Nobody knows that I even talk to Naomi.

  Ugh, whatever. I'm just overreacting. It's not like she knows anything, just a stupid girl who wants to be friends with Naomi. As much as I hate it, I can't just keep Naomi from having retionships other than me... She might just start to hate me if I am too controlling all of a sudden.

  So, after falling asleep and blissfully waking up in the morning, I decided to send her a text.

  'Something came up for me on Thursday, so it's fine if you go to the movies with that girl.'

  Pushing aside my desire to get Naomi for myself that day, I try to seem unbothered. It's stupid to think I can see Naomi *every* single day, anyways. I'm just being overly emotional.

  Naomi, though, immediately replies to me. Like she was waiting for this moment the entire time.

  'Ah, okay. I'll miss you'

  And, despite telling myself not to be bothered, I smile like an idiot.

  The day was Wednesday, and though I wouldn't be able to see her today either, I was alright. I've gone longer periods of time not seeing Naomi, two days was nothing.

  Thus, after smiling at my phone for a few minutes longer, I get out of bed to get dressed and go on my morning jog. The weather was nice today, warm, but not hot like the days before. Perfect running weather, really.

  After saying good morning to my parents and younger sister, I put on my running shoes and left the house. Two kilometers passed in no time at all, and I found myself taking a different path than usual. The sun was high above the sky, with an occasional cloud passing the light from it. This side of the town was generally less poputed, the houses a bit smaller, as well. I liked going far away, to pces where nobody will know who I am. I have no reputation to keep up because I have no reputation here at all. For that short time, I'm able to forget about worrying about my image, just as I am with Naomi.

  Ah, of course, things are much better with Naomi. With her, I can truly be myself, but in public, no matter what, I'll worry about looking perfect. If someone sees me being imperfect even slightly, they'll start rumours, and those rumours will spread and spread until everyone hates me.

  I hate people. They're such pathetic creatures, truly, truly pathetic. If someone has even a smidgen of advantage, others cling onto them. But the moment they fail, fail only a little, they are thrown away and forgotten about. Prettier people, more athletic people, smarter people, they'll ultimately be above others.

  Luckily, I put utmost effort to be prettier, smarter, and more athletic than everyone else. That's why I was drawn to Naomi in the first pce, why I decided to go up to her that first day of middle school. Out of everyone in that css, she was the prettiest. Having someone like that around me would thus improve my image, to solidify my status as one of the best students.

  I suppose that's not how things ended up.

  I learned from a young age that the world is ruled by image. From the adults working hundreds of hours a week just to impress their bosses, to maybe get a raise, to the teenagers desperately trying to get noticed, only to become more cogs in the machine. Everyone is just trying to raise their public image, to make other people think highly of them. Even the best king will be killed if his people hate his guts, and that's the truth for everyone else too.

  I could have the highest grades in the country, be undefeated at sports, be the girl of everyone's dreams, yet, if one person doesn’t like me, I'll be done for. Then, as people want to hate every part of me, they'll try to discover my secrets. People like to bring down anything that's far above them in quality. And, considering I'm perfect, the world itself wants to drag me down.

  The logic is simple.

  By the time I make it back home, I'm hungry, so I grab myself an apple. I never have anything rge for breakfast, since it's important for me to keep my weight down to an acceptable level at all times. Light lunches are important too, if my caloric intake starts to increase too rapidly, that's when I'd start gaining.

  It's hard maintaining my image. I spend at least an hour each day before school doing my makeup, though making sure it's unnoticeable as to have people think my appearance is completely effortless. I keep my hair perfectly healthy, washing it every two days and putting conditioner in every day. After I shower, I spray my hair while it's wet with a vitamin C serum to keep it strong and glowing, and then dry it with cold air. Only after it's completely dry do I comb it, seeing how wet hair is far more fragile than dry. Of course, it's an inevitability for a few strands to fall out, that's completely normal, but I try to minimize hair loss all the same.

  I use a scentless chap stick in the morning, waiting for it to absorb into the skin before putting on a light yer of lipstick which matches the shade of my lips, but fills in any discolored or bnd parts. Taking my hair out of my ponytail, I also add a light, natural looking blush onto the yer of foundation and concealer I apply. Mascara is far too obvious, but I do make sure to curl my eyeshes. I paint my nails using a polish that practically blends in with the natural colour of the nail, but I have a habit of biting them when I'm nervous, so this stops me from doing so. You'd be surprised by just how important your nails are to a clean and pretty appearance, even one being detrimental to your image.

  Smell is important too, but I don't use perfumes as they can irritate certain people. Instead, I allow the scent of my shampoo and body wash do the work, and though they're not as strong as perfume, I find it gives me an air of realness. It's a subtle difference, but one that can be important to making me approachable. One of my worst fears is somebody asking me what perfume I'm wearing.

  It's these, and many other factors I take care to perfect, that give me a perfect image. That's only part of it, though, as how you interact with people forms set in stone opinions. Even if I'm perfect in all these ways, if I'm rude or uncaring to people, I'll grow to be hated. That's why I'm so empathetic to people, why I always try my best to help.

  People can't really tell when you're lying.

  It's all an act, an image I've perfected. And, as long as I keep it up, and nobody ever learns of what I do to Naomi, my image will stay perfect. Still, I don't think I would be able to do this if it wasn't for Naomi. She helps me cool off, really, gives me something to look forward to throughout the day as I continue to pretend with everyone else. For her, though, no matter what happens, I can be raw. My truest self. And she'll love every second.

  Seeing Naomi suffer, that inner cuteness that escapes when I hurt her, it's like an energy source. Like I'm a battery recharging, the happiness filling me up and giving me enough strength to keep up the perfect image.

  And, when I'm not able to see her, or even just the stress from the day builds up, that's when the urge becomes stronger. More and more, I want to make her suffer in new ways. To break her in every conceivable fashion, using whatever my mind can come up with. Yesterday, I wanted to turn her into a dog. What I decide to do with her generally comes from something I saw, or maybe a feeling I had. I saw my neighbor walking their dog a while ago, and thought 'I want to do that with Naomi.' So, I did, as simple as that.

  I'm tired of the dog idea now, though. By the end of it, I think she stopped feeling embarrassed and just genuinely embraced it, which lessened my enjoyment. Seeing how desperate and broken I made her did feel nice, but if she was truly suffering, her cute expression would be even better.

  Ugh, I started thinking about Naomi without even trying. It's starting to sound like I don't have a life outside of her... But, that's not true. I have tons of friends! Miyu, Mieko, Nana; I could ask any of them to hang out right now and they'd accept without batting an eye.

  Actually, let's do that right now. Better yet, I'll ask all three in the group chat if they're free today or tomorrow. The message doesn't have to be much, just something simple.

  ‘Do you guys want to hang out tomorrow? Maybe we can go to a cafe or something, my treat!'

  Perfect. Not only am I practically impossible to turn down, but nobody can decline an offer of free food. It's an air-tight pn.

  The first person to respond was Nana. 'yeah, id be free tomorrow'. It was always sort of annoying how she put so little effort into texting, but I tolerate it anyway. People generally think she's 'cool' for being so unaffected and all, so being friends with her consequently makes me seem important.

  'Don't trust her!!!!!!!!!! Last time I asked her to go somewhere she said that and never showed!!!! >n<' Miyu was next, almost instantly. I'd appreciate it if one of these days she acts a tiny bit less immature, but people think she's cute or whatever.

  'heyyy i said sorry for that didnt i?'

  'I guess,,,,,,, Oh right!! Im free tomorrow too!!!'

  Miyu seemed to flip from one thing to the next pretty often, but at the very least, I could appreciate how she responded in a semi quick manner. Nana was always quicker, as if she was perpetually waiting to respond.

  'Great! What about you, Mieko?' I asked.

  Nothing. Ugh, she was always like this. It took nearly forty minutes for her to respond.

  'Ahh, I'm sorry. I'm busy then. You three have fun, though!!!'

  Ugh. Of course, she's busy. I guess that's fine, she's so normal it's hard to talk to her sometimes. Still, she bances things out, so it might be a bit weird with just Miyu and Nana...

  Whatever. That's tomorrow's problem for me. The only question now is what I'm supposed to do for the rest of today. School is out, Naomi is busy, and the house is clean. I really don't have anything to do...

  That'd be different if Naomi was here. I really want to do something to her today, I'm getting that urge. If only she wasn't busy today... I'd have all sorts of stuff pnned to make her suffer lined up. I really want to break her again. I got her to a point she was so scared of the pain yesterday that she was desperately pleading with me... Aah, that's what she should always be like. I wish I could just lock her up and hurt her whenever I want. What a beautiful fantasy...

  Wait a second, did I remember to delete the search history from my recent online shopping? I completely forgot, and the idea of my parents finding out terrifies me. I put a lot of effort into making sure I got to the packages before them, but if it's something that btant, they'd definitely find out. Everything would come crumbling down.. I can't believe I'm so forgetful.

  Ah, nevermind. I did delete it, and logged out of my private account. Letting out a sigh of relief, I rex for a second. Maybe I should start getting the things I buy delivered to Naomi's house instead. The only problem then is that it'd ruin the surprise... Maybe if I make it clear she isn't allowed to open them. I doubt she would ever dare to go against my word, she's far too obsessed with me. I very well could tell her I hate her and that I never want to see her again and she'd come back clinging to my ankle.

  Hah... maybe I should try doing that sometime. I don't think I could stay away from her for long, it'd be far too boring. Though, I do wonder just how devoted she is to me. I should try and get her to hurt herself for me.

  That'd be cute. Naomi, standing there with tears in her eyes, blood dripping onto the ground below. That reminds me that despite all this time, I've never tasted her blood before... That sucks. I want to have every part of her in my body, every fluid or molecule no matter how gross it may be.

  I find myself absentmindedly biting at the fabric of my shirt while sitting at the desk in my room. Lately, I've been wondering if Naomi is attracted to me. I know she thinks I'm pretty, but most people do as well; But, the question is whether or not it's in a way more than that. She's never been in a retionship before, and has never shown any interest in romantic retionships with men, I don't think she even cares about being friends with any.

  Sexual interest typically begins in puberty, but I myself haven't really felt anything like that despite being in what should be the prime age of that. Sixteen, and I've never once found myself thinking anything close to sexual, and the idea of 'sex' seems utterly repulsive. My desire to do those sorts of things to Naomi is completely separate to that, a feeling that is closer to just a genuine happiness, one I feel only when seeing her suffer. I'm completely fine with this fact, I just don't have a desire to do those sorts of things. I think kissing Naomi will be as far as I ever go, and that's partly because I know she is not like me.

  I think it must be sexual in nature what she feels. Somehow, she gets enjoyment out of the things I do, and it feels like more often I see her be curious about more... risque subjects. That manga, for example. It was full to the brim with naked women doing miscelneous things to each other. I mostly skipped all the pages depicting that sort of thing, focused more so on the story, but it did make me curious. Did Naomi do things to herself while reading this?

  And then that brought to mind a much rger question.

  Does Naomi do things to herself while thinking about me?

  The thought of that makes me feel strange, vaguely uncomfortable. On one hand, I'd want it to be me she was focused on rather than anybody else, but to think that I would truly make her feel that way to the point she would...

  That's why I felt I needed to learn more about it, and that's why I moved to my bed after a short period of irritation. Most of my knowledge of this subject came from the internet and various media sources, but I didn't want to go off of that for this. Instead, I pced the covers over myself, taking a shallow breath before squirming a tad to move my pants to my shins. This was embarrassing, sure, but that's why it felt important to learn more about what I'm capable of.

  Closing my eyes and letting my mind wander, Naomi quickly pops into my mind. Lately, Naomi has been in my head a lot. Normally it's not much of an issue, I quite enjoy having her near me at all times in the back of my mind, but it really makes it hard to concentrate when it's important for me to. I find myself getting distracted, losing track of what I was doing. In conversation, I may even fail to respond. I fear that it may even get worse eventually.

  My thigh feels soft as I move my hand lower, a smooth feeling easily overwhelmed by how tense my body has become. There's an emanating heat coming from my body as I hover my hand a bit closer to the end goal, a single thought occupying my mind: Naomi. I can feel my heartbeat beginning to speed up, like something was squeezing my chest. I can't believe I'm doing this... It feels so repulsive. It makes me want to tear my skin off... But, I need to know. How can I really portray myself as perfect if I don't know every possibility? And, what's more, how am I supposed to truly enjoy Naomi if I don't know even the most basic of things? She may even experience things I can't possibly understand if I don't experience it, too. I don't want to fall behind Naomi when it comes to that. She's already better than me in academics and sports, I can't lose to her here.

  And, thus, with that piece of encouragement, and the picture of Naomi yesterday burned into my mind's eye, I touch it.

  I froze for a time. My eyes were rather empty as I looked at nothing in particur, my mouth held semi-open. Eventually, I rub just a tad.

  But it doesn't feel like anything. If anything, it kind of felt bad, the friction burning somewhat at the sensitive skin. I slowly stop, just resting my thumb there for a few moments as my mind comes to terms with what I'm doing. Inadvertently, I press against it using that very same finger, but it's all the same.

  Wasn't this supposed to feel good or something? I suppose it's the same as my experiment with my nipple. It doesn't really feel like anything at all. It's a complete and utter void of a sensation, and as I look further down, moving the covers away, the area near my thighs just fills my chest with mild nausea. I wonder if Naomi would be excited by this image I was looking upon, hidden under her embarrassment at least. Actually, I can almost picture how she'd look. Cheeks painted red, biting her lip so she didn't let out strange noises, that unmistakable glisten in her eyes. That image seems far better than what I was looking at now.

  I try once more, just for good measure, rubbing just a bit harder this time as to perhaps make the stimution more apparent. It's useless, not an iota of pleasure found within. The discomfort just gets worse, and eventually, it begins to feel sore. I thought it was supposed to get wet or something, as I heard is a sign of arousal, but no. Dry like the rest of my skin, leaving me feeling empty. This is getting me nowhere.

  When it got to the point my finger felt more like sandpaper than anything, I let out a scoff and stopped. What was the point, really? What a waste of time this has been. And, it felt like it would be far too tight to even fit my pinky finger in, and the thought of something going in there in the first pce filled me with a strange sense of dread. What in the world was there to gain from being penetrated? Why would I want that...? It'd hurt, that's what I think.

  Plenty of people my age have probably had sex by now. That sounds gross, how can they live with themselves having done that? Just what do they even get out of it? Some sort of endorphin rush, or something, that's what it has to be, what keeps them wanting to do it. You know what that is? A drug addict's thought process, not a normal person's.

  By all means, I'm the normal one.

  It's better that I'm not some weird sexual degenerate. Besides, despite most people secretly being that very thing, people who are 'sexual' are considered negative in the public eye. People don't want to acknowledge the things that they are, and thus, objects of purity become something to worship. I, completely pure in body and mind, are that thing to worship.

  I wonder if Miyu's done it, she's had plenty of boyfriends. She may very well live in a completely different world than me, and... perhaps that is true of Naomi, too. She may very well be aroused by me, and in that case... she'd be able to feel that sexual pleasure that I cannot.

  As long as she keeps it to herself, I guess that's fine. It's tricky, though, because I feel many of the ways I devise to make her suffer instead lead to her being sexually stimuted as well, particurly with the dog thing. I know, because...

  When I looked down after she bcked out, I saw it. How her underwear was slightly damp, the stains contrasting the white colour of the fabric. I wish it was just urine or something, but it didn't smell like that. Just her regur scent, no trace of a strong ammonia.

  I felt rather disgusted by it, even as I grinned from the sheer excitement of making her faint. To the point that the thought to taste it didn't even cross my mind like it did with so many other things that come from Naomi, I simply wanted to rid of it. If she didn't wake back up so soon, I would have tried to hide her lower body under her covers, to stop myself from being able to see it.

  It makes me feel so sick. All of it. I just want to make her suffer, to see that cute expression without the baggage of her enjoyment ruining it. I want to see her cry. I want to see her desperate. I want to see her filthy.

  What if she wants to have sex with me? What would that even entail for two girls? Either way, I wouldn't allow it, but the thoughts crept up on me all the same.

  The feeling of nausea worsened.

  When Naomi loses her virginity, I don't want it to be with me. I don't want it to be anybody else, though, either. I should be the only important one to her. No one can take her away from me. I can't lose to anyone else, I won't lose.

  As she cried, squirmed, drooled and begged under me, I'd be happy. At her purest, unable to be tainted by any abnormal human's desires. An objective perfection, able to be touched, pyed with by me. A doll, a doll that I could fix and break at my leisure, and she'd be grateful for my attention all the same.

  That's the Naomi I want.

  All of a sudden, I feel gross.

  I need to take a bath.