Chapter 8

  Banana Quest: Emergency Council

  IM: Hey everybody

  IM: Here we are with a special emergency convening of the thing we are *not* calling Banana Quest

  EW: but we are though

  EW: its right fucking there in the title

  IM: What? Hey!

  IM: How do I change the title?

  EW: im alive btw thanks for asking

  EW: so is kate

  KC: I’m alive!

  IM: Why would I ask that when you’re talking to me?

  EW: broke my fuckin arm though

  IM: Whoa

  IM: Which one?

  EW: that it? thats what you got when i tell you i broke my fuckin arm?

  KC: don’t worry Isaac! His arm is better now!

  EW: yeah did you know kate has a magical guitar

  KC: >;)

  HS: I’m so sorry about that.

  KC: It wasn’t your fault!

  IM: You good Heidi?

  HS: I’m good.

  HS: Lady Chains is out there somewhere.

  HS: But we’re on high alert.

  IM: What’s this about Lady Chains?

  EW: i see you liz

  EW: you ok?

  EE: I am alive, if that is what you mean.

  EE: Heidi, were you atta cked by Lady Chains?

  HS: Yes.

  EW: she broke my goddamn arm

  EW: oh sorry bro

  KC: but we worked together! And we took her out!

  EE: For me it was Lady Chimes.

  EW: oh shit

  KC: does this mean that all the ladies are after us!? 8(

  KC: sorry, the Ladies

  EE: Maybe.

  IM: Wait, that can’t be right!

  IM: I’m with Lady Stars right now!

  EW: bro

  KC: RUN, ISAAC!

  EW: yeah but like play it cool you know

  IM: Guys I really think she’s cool

  EE: The Ladies are being influenced by the Gods.

  EW: oh dont get me started on those fuckwads

  IM: Wait, wait, anyone heard from Jim?

  IM: ...

  IM: So I guess we’re all just messaging Jim now

  IM: that’s cool

  IM: I’ll just casually relocate myself away from Lady Stars, hang on a minute

  JW: Oh sorry guys I wasn’t paying attention

  KC: Don’t worry about it Jim!

  JW: I’m okay

  JW: But I did get a weird text just like you said Isaac

  JW: and then Lord Foe came to get me, but Maugrim fought him off

  JW: and I can fly now

  EE: Jimothy, I am on my way to your moon. Hang in there.

  JW: Cool!

  JW: But like, you don’t need to come you know

  JW: it’s okay

  EE: I need to leave my moon for a while.

  EE: Something has gone very wrong.

  IM: For real

  IM: MY STATION IS GONE!

  IM: *flips table*

  IM: And we need to figure it out, like pretty quick

  IM: Because there’s a serious Dark World fleet out there right now

  IM: I mean there *was* before Anzu wrecked it

  IM: but still

  EE: I may have been illuminated as to some aspects of the situation.

  KC: You may have been eliminated?!?! 8o

  EW: whoa you were laminated?

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  IM: she was ill-imitated

  JW: lemonaded?

  HS: what

  KC: (rhyme, Heidi!)

  HS: aluminum aided?

  HS: I’m not good at rhymes

  EW: haha no that was great

  EW: aluminumated

  EE: If we may proceed?

  EW: *sniffed lady cynthea

  KC: shut up Eric!

  EE: Let us each describe what has happened, in brief.

  IM: Quite!

  EE: I met the king of my moon and was attacked first by Lady Chimes, then by Shade. The king is dead, and so is Lord Fair, who perished enabling my escape. My Guardian also protected me. I believe that the Gods orchestrated this attempt on my life.

  EW: holy shit

  KC: what was Lord Fair like?!

  EE: Beautiful.

  KC: 8(

  IM: I turned on a communications relay that let the Gods text us, so my bad I guess. The Gods summoned a fleet from the Dark World that destroyed my station, but I got out thanks to Anzu. I’m with Lady Stars and this goofy admiral in the Ardian defensive fleet.

  KC: Eric and I went to see Heidi, but Lady Chains tried to kill us! She’s SUPER TOUGH >:(

  HS: I received a message from the Burning God just before this.

  EW: and ive been subjected to the lunatic ravings of this bullshit changing god

  IM: What about you, Jim?

  JW: um

  JW: I talked to the D-man

  JW: He’s one of the gods, but I forgot which one

  JW: he seemed nice

  JW: Actually he warned me not to listen to the other gods

  JW: or to himself, I think?

  EE: Hmm. So perhaps they’re not all bad.

  KC: the green one saved our lives!

  KC: she warned us about Lady Chains! Otherwise we would have DIED

  IM: They’re tricky, though

  IM: And the Chained God said he’ll try again

  IM: to kill me

  EW: yeah i wouldnt trust any of these shitheads

  EW: all they can do is fucking talk

  HS: Yeah, it looks like they have really limited power. The Burning God can set some things on fire but I think that’s about it. They need to operate through other agents.

  EE: And they are using the Ladies because the ten Ladies are connected to the ten Gods, with whom their highest loyalties apparently lie.

  JW: that’s pretty much what D-man said

  JW: he said the Lords were okay though

  JW: except for Lord Foe

  JW: who tried to kill me

  EW: huh who would have guessed that lord foe would be a bad guy

  EE: I agree that we can trust the lords. Lord Fair died for me, and the last thing he said was that I would be safe with Lord Fierce.

  KC: lords are safe!

  KC: got it!

  HS: What else do we know about the Gods?

  KC: they can kind of see us ?:\

  EE: They are not unified.

  EW: these shitty ass gods

  EW: what the fuck

  KC: ?

  EW: fuckin scraping the bottom of the barrel for these cut rate losers

  EW: fuckin half price bargain bin spring cleanout sale at the deity depot

  EW: shitty stale leftover easter chocolate gods that nobody wanted

  EW: all dry and crusty and shit

  IM: You that upset about your arm?

  EW: IT FUCKING HURT BRO

  IM: Oh, that reminds me

  IM: They wouldn’t tell me anything about where they are or what kind of creatures they are

  IM: but I got the sense from THE ONE THAT TALKS LIKE THIS that he really didn’t want to kill me

  IM: or she, you know, whatever

  EE: I also spoke to that one. They were oddly encouraging.

  KC: That one’s the boss I think! It’s the THUNDER GOD, the biggest and strongest god! 8o

  KC: and yeah!

  KC: even the Chained God, who I’m pretty sure sicked Lady Chains on us, didn’t sound jazzed about it

  EE: Perhaps we can use that.

  EE: Perhaps we can talk them down.

  EE: Until then, or until we can work out a solution for stopping them, we must stay in touch.

  EE: Jim, I’m coming to Hyperion via door.

  EW: i gotta get back to my moon i think those metronomes might be kinda important

  EE: We should stay together if possible

  KC: I’ll go with him!

  EE: Isaac?

  ? IM: I think I’m safe on the fleet

  IM: I’ll get ARKO to find Lord Fierce

  EE: Watch out for Lady Stars.

  IM: aye-aye!

  HS: I am safe for now. I have a lot of security with me.

  HS: But I will have to go deeper into my moon.

  JW: that sounds dangerous

  HS: Yeah it is, Jimothy. But I have friends here.

  HS: You’re still going to apologize to Ruth, Eric.

  EW: yeah yeah

  KC: All right! Go team!

  KC: don’t forget we’re still going to all play together as a band!

  EW: yeah sure whatever

  EW: and remember

  EW: dont fucking trust the gods