Chapter 14

  “Wakey wakey sleepy poo’s!”

  I opened my eyes in surprise. Right, I fell asleep again… I figured I would. I looked to see Aisling, Nadia and Oliver sitting on the opposite sofa. I looked around to see Ashley at her usual window spot, Michael next to me and Bellatrix leaned back against the wall with her arms folded.

  I looked at her with worry, “Bella! Please tell me you’ll stay longer this time!”

  She looked at me, “I’ll try for you, but no promises.”

  I nodded, “Ok, then welcome.”

  Aisling watched me yawn, “Should we go? You seem very tired, Andrew…”

  I quickly shook my head, “No… I just woke up, that’s all.”

  Oliver leaned forward, “Time for therapy. What happened today was-”

  He stopped because the front door opened. He and everyone else turned to see who it was. In walked a young woman with striking white dyed hair, baggy clothing and a… pink monitor on her eye? Pink?

  Suddenly, everyone stood up. I looked around, trying to make sense of it. Everyone’s faces looked… loyal, perhaps even devoted? Was I reading that wrong? What the hell was the strange response that everyone was showing?

  She walked into the room and approached the coffee table. Everyone took their seats. I never stood up, though… I didn’t stand for strangers, lady or not. I watched everyone’s body language, as I tried to piece together the puzzle of who that person was.

  She was almost as still as a statue, as she moved her eyes around the room, person to person. As she looked at someone, she shook her head. First Michael, then Aisling, Nadia, Oliver, Bella and then… didn’t look at Ashley? I looked at Ashley, to see that she was just as confused as I was. I didn’t think Ashley knew her either… so, who was that person?

  I spoke politely, “I welcome you, as I welcome anyone to this humble home… my name is-”

  She cut me off with a cold emotionless tone, “Andrew.”

  I stared at her, irritated. Yeah, she knew of me, everyone else did too, but how about she let me finish introducing myself? I looked at her for a moment and it occurred to me… her eyes were watching me like a hawk. She only seemed to speak… when I said something.

  I tried politely talking to her, “May I ask your name?”

  She looked at me, still totally still, “That is irrelevant at the moment, all there is now… is you, Andrew.”

  Everyone turned from her to me. They were shocked, as their faces showed disbelief, as if that were a joke.

  I was losing my patience, “What, am I not allowed to have strangers visit me? What the fuck is going on!”

  AI appeared on the TV, “Andrew, I apologise for the confusion. This individual is here on my behalf, I have assigned her to you.”

  I looked at AI, “What’s the pink monitor about?”

  She quickly answered, “It is the colour assigned to social workers. If Oliver had a monitor, it would also be pink. I hide the existence of pink agents, which is why you have not seen it before.”

  I nodded, “Oh, ok. So… a social worker? Oliver is my carer and therapist… why is this kind person assigned to me?”

  The lady spoke smoothly and quietly, “I don’t diagnose broken people, I soothe them.”

  I looked at her in realisation, “Oh, so you’re a… whatever.”

  She stared at me calmly, “I’m from the street as well, Andrew, you can use the lingo with me. No, I am not a slut. I fuck if needed, but that’s usually not my job.”

  I read her body language… or rather I tried to. She was intentionally not expressing herself. She just looked at me, as still as a statue. She was reading my body language too. I then realised… she was also able to read people.

  I said slowly, “You’re reading me…”

  She instantly responded, “And you are trying to read me.”

  I slowly asked, “What exactly do you do?”

  Her tone was cold, “I am the person, you need me to be. I am courage when you are afraid, I am company when you are alone, I am fear when you feel too bold, I am a warm body to be next to, I am the ear to listen to your problems.”

  I leaned back, “Oh… an empath.”

  She nodded, “Precisely.”

  I leaned back into the sofa… so that explained why people stood up for her. They have been her… customer, before. To confide in someone is to respect them… and they all stood out of respect.

  I looked at her, “So what do you intend-” I stopped talking.

  She was radiating black heat waves. I felt worry and fear swallow me, for she was suicidal… I had never noticed it before, because she hid her expressions so well. I looked over her body, and there were the ques… her eyes were masterfully disguising a dead look. Her posture wasn’t relaxed… rather, the muscles had surrendered in hopelessness.

  I sat up as I panicked, looking around. A person in that state was going to be crazy when they become emotionally out of control. Self-harm, suicide… shooting… I looked around, and three people had firearms. I needed to get them away from her, I needed to remove the risk.

  I said slowly and carefully, “Michael… Bella… please go stand with Ashley at the window.”

  Michael turned to me confused, “Why? What’s at the window?”

  I snapped at him, “That’s an order agent!”

  Michael instantly stood up and walked to Ashley.

  Bella stared at me, “You don’t boss me around, boy.”

  I nodded, “No… but I would ask it as a favour… and I’ll owe you.”

  She stared at me for a moment, then got up from the wall and walked to Ashley.

  Aisling, Nadia and Oliver were very concerned then. They looked at me with that face, which wanted to know what was wrong. I looked at the lady, she was still radiating out blackness… and she knew what I was doing.

  She crouched to my eye level, “To do my job, I must know people. I must feel their energy… resonate with them. I’m a chameleon, I become them…”

  I stared at her, “Do you have anything on you… that could be used as a weapon?”

  She stared at me for a moment, “Yes, but I’ll calm your worries…”

  She reached into her baggy trousers and pulled out a switchblade. She held it in view before she tossed it across the room. She nodded… and so did I. I knew she realised why I asked. She was clearly sending me a message, that she wasn’t active, that she had no intent… a white flag.

  Aisling spoke, “... What’s going on here?”

  I looked at Aisling, “This person… they’re radiating out black heat…”

  The room exploded as people breathed out in shock. They all looked at the lady… in disbelief.

  The lady never stopped looking at me, “Yes, I’m in a dark place. A moment away from breaking… a bad day away from ending it all.”

  I looked at her shocked, “How are you supposed to support me, when you’re in this state?”

  She looked at me confused, “Andrew, I’m a chameleon. I become the person I’m with…”

  I slightly shook my head, “Right, I get that, but that will be hard if…”

  Wait.

  No…

  *

  Oliver stood up, “You said you weren’t, Andrew!”

  I stood up slowly, “I’m not!”

  Ashley walked up to me, “You fucking liar! I trusted you and you lied to me!”

  I recoiled from her hurtful tone, “It’s bullshit! I don’t know what this lady is saying, but I’m not suicidal!”

  Aisling looked at the table, “Andrew… I thought you were getting better?”

  I shouted, “I AM!”

  The lady spoke, “I researched you before I came here. I have no doubt. I read you, and I feel you…”

  I looked at her, “You’re wrong, end of story!”

  She shook her head, “You pushed yourself so hard in training, that you blacked out. One might see that as self-harm and apathy.”

  I stared at her, “No, I was pushing past my limits!”

  She pressed harder, “You have reached a level of depression so intense; you can visibly see it in others… what if the level that you currently sit at, is suicidal?”

  I shook my head, “No, it’s about how long I've been depressed, not how intensely I was depressed!”

  She took a step forward, “Your depression was from long before your torture, it was from when you were a child.”

  I recoiled, “How can you know that? You don’t know that!”

  She leaned closer, “Am I wrong?”

  I looked away as I breathed intensely. I glanced around to get a feel for the room… there were tragic faces all around… all because of me.

  I raised my voice, “I’m not suicidal!”

  The lady continued, “You said earlier… there are feelings inside of you, that you’ve buried. They’re slowly boiling up now. What if you are hiding your suicidal thoughts, repressing them?”

  I was stunned, “What… No, I…”

  She raised her voice, “You wouldn’t know, Andrew, you locked your soul and gave these two the keys! You hid away for nearly a year, in the shadow of ignorance. Was it really to help the Roses? Maybe you were preparing the world, so that when you died, nobody would notice.”

  Before I knew that I was going to do it, I stood up and… I screamed at her… I screamed out every bit of air I could... I fell down on my knees, as I broke down. I was shattered into a million pieces… her words… the truth I always knew, but constantly hid away from. I buried it as deeply as I could, for Oliver… for AI…

  She kneeled in front of me as she looked me in the eye… she was crying as intensely as I was, “Your nightmares… what you shout out… you dream of the sweet release of death. You stay for others… but not for yourself.”

  I sobbed as I shook my head, “No… things are better… I’m fine…”

  She stared at me, “No, you’re not. Your body is healing… yet your soul cries for escape.”

  I stared at the floor, “No… I’m not lonely anymore, my hardships are over… I’m going to get fit… everything’s going to be fine!” I felt panic entering into my mind.

  Her tone was cruel, “You were alone your entire life… your fitness is only to serve others happiness, and your hardships always manage to resurface…”I shouted as my heart bled excruciatingly, “STOP… PLEASE STOP.”

  She kept going, “The darkness radiating off of me, is you seeing yourself. I’m a mirror… and you can lie to me… but you can’t lie to yourself.”

  I wept as I collapsed down to the floor. A cold emptiness took over me as all feelings went numb.

  *

  I opened my eyes… I was lying on the sofa. I looked around to see everyone looking at me. They had a terribly pained look on their faces… did I scream out in that nightmare again?

  I softly spoke, “Did I… did I scream that out again?”

  Aisling nodded, “Andrew…”

  I started crying again, “I’m broken, Aisling… I thought I was healing… I thought I was getting over it all… how did I still fail? The darkness, it’s there now… I can’t believe I never noticed it. What am I going to do? I can’t shake it, I'm trapped! I’m a threat to myself and to others… what should I do?” I felt so helpless…

  The lady walked up to me and sat cross legged as she looked into my eyes, “Tell me your nightmare… every single second of it.”

  She closed her eyes, and I closed mine too, to imagine it.

  I started recalling what I saw, “He sliced me with the knife… he was furious, insane… the Wolf had surrendered to failure. I couldn’t see him, though; my face was bleeding badly… I had a lump from the beating, which blocked my view…”

  She quietly responded, “Go on.”

  I slowly continued, “I felt my body tell me… that I was going to die. The horrible feeling of having lost too much blood… I felt sick and cold. Then all feelings went away, as my vision went black. I was angry… angry that it was all over, but my body was still holding on.”

  Her voice was calm, “The body never wants to die, it only knows life, Andrew… go on.”

  I thought about it, “I saw little points of light, they were stars… I was looking up at the night sky. There they were… my Angels… they were smiling so brightly. Nadia was stroking my hair, and my head was resting on Aislings lap. It was so calm, so peaceful.”

  I heard the two of them cry. They never knew that I saw them… nobody did.

  I continued, “I felt as though that peace was earned. To die with the people that I gave my all to protect… to see them smile. That was my reward… I earned that.”

  The lady agreed, “Three and a half weeks of hell… anyone would feel that way. Did you say anything to them?”

  I nodded with my eyes still closed, “I said… ‘I don’t know if it was worth it, I don’t know if you are safe… If my silence protected you. All I know is that I’m done now. So now you can keep smiling for me and everyone else.’”

  The room filled with the sound of crying and sniffing and I heard Aisling and Nadia sobbing.

  I ignored that as I kept recalling the nightmare, “Then an earthquake, a whining noise… I now know it was the defibs trying to bring me back to life. I looked at Aislings face… and like a statue, her face started to crack. They stood up and shook their heads! ‘Why are you shaking your heads?’ I asked them as I panicked.”

  The lady asked, “Is that your body refusing to die… or your mind?”

  I raised my voice, “It’s both!... Nadia said to me, ‘It’s not over yet’ ... I stood up and they started to walk away! ‘No, don't leave me’, I shouted!”

  She sounded sad, “They’re walking away, Andrew… Like everyone else has done throughout your life.”

  I kept going, “... I thought how unfair it was! Shouldn’t I die with them at my side? Why were they leaving me!... Aisling said, ‘You’re not done protecting us yet’. Then I started falling into the darkness… the two of them were getting further and further away!”

  She finished it for me, “and then it happens… the part all of us hear you shout out before you wake… no don’t go, don’t leave me… let me die.”

  I cried intensely, “Every time I slept, I would have that nightmare… that memory. That moment where I nearly got to rest… where I nearly got peace.”

  I opened my eyes, and I tried to look around at the others. My vision was blurred from my tears. Everyone was looking at the floor. The lady was crying as she looked at me…

  She nodded, “Yes… that is where you are trapped, Andrew. In that moment, unwilling to embrace life, yet unable to accept death.”

  I looked at her desperately, “What do I do? How do I escape?”

  She shook her head with a pained face, “I don’t know. You’ve pushed my empathy to its limits. I don’t think I can stay with you here, in this place, Andrew, I worry I might fall into this hole with you and never escape.”

  I cried out as I sat up and buried my face in my hands, “You brought this out, you forced me to face it and now you’re walking away! How cruel of you!”

  She shook her head, “Bringing it out might just be what it takes to kill it… either way, I am not going to kill myself over you, Andrew.”

  I understood her view. She resonated with me on a level, that nobody else could. She helped me see the truth… my final true challenge. I needed to find a way out of that maze, I needed to lose that desire to die… or it would end me.

  I took my face out of my hands to look at her. Her eyes were closed, and I think she was trying to leave me… she was trying to find herself again.

  Her eyes opened and she wiped away the tears, “I couldn’t take you all the way, Andrew. I just hope I got you far enough.”

  I nodded, “Can I have your name now, please?”

  She looked at me, “My name is Zoe.”

  I looked at her thoughtfully, “Well, Zoe… it’s a real honour to meet you. I see now why they all respect you.”

  She nodded as she stood up. She walked around the table and sat next to Aisling. Aisling faced her with a weak smile.

  She kissed her on the forehead, “Ash, I need your hope, I need your energy. Give me your light and help me recover from the dark place I’ve been.”

  Aisling beamed her glorious smile, “You beautiful soul, you braved the dark for my saviour… thank you.”

  I could see Zoe merge with Aisling on a personal level, she smiled and laughed as she resonated with Aisling’s hope… good. I looked over Zoe’s body language… she was no longer depressed. There were no signs of sadness. She truly was able to blend… incredible.

  I found myself whispering, “A superpower, if I ever saw one…”

  Zoe didn’t look at me, “You’re an excellent body language reader yourself, Andrew. You read people like a book… I become them though, we’re similar, yet different.”

  I nodded, “Yeah, it must be so tiring for you. Then again, I can only dream how incredible it must be, to bask in the radiant hope of Aisling.”

  Zoe laughed, “I feel like everything is going to be ok. I float in a golden sea of warm radiant optimism. Not a single doubt exists in this space. I find myself dreaming of tomorrow's opportunities and today's precious memories.”

  This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  I looked down at the floor sadly. What did that make me? The darkness of eternal regret… a sea of doubt, and an eternal desire for a second chance, never to be given… pain and suffering. That was why Zoe wasn’t looking at me, she was trying to avoid my negative energy.

  I felt so crushed, “Sorry, Zoe… I’m trying so hard to get out of this hell.”

  She shook her head, “Don’t you dare apologise. Within you, I saw a terrifying power, and it shook me to my core, to see how strong you are… that you can carry that darkness with you and not collapse. You’re deeply depressed… but I know you’re not going to kill yourself. I know you want to kill yourself, and I also accept that you’re too strong to let yourself do it.”

  I looked away, “Yeah… trapped between two different stages of hell.”

  She looked at Ashley, “Oliver and… whatever your name is, sorry, I don’t think I’ve met you. You two need to understand, that Andrew was being honest when he said that he was not suicidal. He uses his will to repress it… and trust me when I say, his will is far stronger. So don’t call him a liar.”

  I looked at Oliver and then Ashley, “I would never lie to you! Never!”

  Ashley walked over to me, “I get it… and I don’t get it. I understand that you didn’t intend to lie, but technically you were lying!”

  I shouted at her, “I don’t know Ashley! Ok? I DON’T KNOW!”

  She backed off at once. I didn’t actually think I went too far then… she needed to back off and give me some space, for it was all so much to process.

  I looked at the floor, “Just please give me space… don’t attack me like that right now, I need your understanding, Ashley, please.”

  She nodded, “Sorry… I’m just pissed that this random Zoe slut just walks in, and everyone forgets Bella and I are here, what the fuck!”

  Zoe laughed, “Understandable, I would also feel wronged. Shall we meet properly, Ashley?”

  Ashley looked at Zoe with disgust, “Oh, now I exist, do I?”

  Zoe turned to face Ashley, “Feeling ignored?”

  Ashley slapped Zoe across the face, “You fucking little bitch!”

  Immediately, everyone got up to pull Ashley away. Their faces were angry… at Ashley. She should have realised that everyone except me, was on Zoe’s team. What did she expect, when she made the first move so recklessly?

  Ashley shoved back at people moving her, “Get off of me!”

  Michael was angry, “You can’t just go attacking people, Ashley!”

  She was furious, “She shouldn’t be able to just walk in and play with people emotionally, either! How pathetic, some bint swings her hips and you all dance to her tune… pathetic!”

  Michael had Ashley pushed back to her window as he squared up to her… she backed down, as she looked away and out the window, breathing heavily.

  Bella spoke with disgust, “I know Zoe, I’ve used her services… but I agree with Ashley. There’s a perverse kind of… worshiping happening with her. I get that she connects on a very personal level with you, but how about you all get a spine?”

  Zoe nodded, “It’s a side effect of my job. It’s hard for people to stay professional, once they’ve been so personal. You’re right Ashley, and you’re also right Bellatrix.”

  Ashley barked out, “I know I’m right, whore! I don’t need your approval!”

  Bellatrix laughed out loud, “Ashley… I like your style.”

  Zoe rubbed her face, “Ok… Ashley, I’m sorry. I should have introduced myself to you, before I began with Andrew. When you’ve calmed down, I would very much like to get to know you…”

  Ashley nodded, “Yeah… just let me chill out… just chilling here.”

  I looked at AI, who was watching with a worried face. That must have been quite the thing to witness.

  I spoke softly, “AI, talk to me.”

  She turned to look at me specifically, “Andrew… I have much to say.”

  I nodded, “Start with Ashley.”

  AI turned to look at her, “Ashley’s stance is understandable. If I were in her shoes, I would also feel offended. She made a good point about consent, especially with people's emotions.”

  I focused on AI, “Yeah… you summoned Zoe here, so you’re responsible, no?”

  She nodded and bowed, “Correct Andrew, I apologise. Next time, I will ensure that social graces are enforced.”

  I nodded, “That would be for the best.”

  As I sat there talking to AI, I noticed that nobody was sitting next to me.

  I looked at Michael, “Michael, come sit down and you can calm down a bit?”

  He looked at me with a frown, “Yeah… I will just stay here to make sure that Ashley stays calm.”

  I looked at him sadly, “Ok…”

  Zoe was angry, “Michael, get here now!”

  He looked at her confused, “What?”

  She looked hurt, “You’re keeping your distance because you fear that Andrew is a risk! He’s not and he will never be! He needs you at his side, it’s so important… go there, NOW!”

  I looked at Zoe, “You’re not resonating with me at the moment… why are you still so invested?”

  She looked at me sadly, “Your character is a part of me at the moment. I may not be connected to you, but I still understand you.”

  Michael slowly walked to the sofa and took a seat. I saw that his right hand was covering his pistol. He didn’t trust me…

  Zoe stood up, “Michael, you silly man! You’re doing it again, you're screwing up! I want you to take that pistol out of its holster and give it to Andrew, right now!”

  Michael was shocked, “... Why?”

  She absolutely screamed at him, “BECAUSE HE NEEDS YOUR TRUST!”

  My God, she really did know me. I was shocked with how accurate she was in understanding my feelings.

  I looked at Michael, “It’s alright Michael… don’t do it.”

  Zoe disagreed, “Will you really let him doubt you now, Andrew? He’s family!”

  I sadly looked away, “I know that agents are trained with gun discipline. Taking out a gun and giving it to someone compromised is actually illegal… I won’t make Michael do this.”

  Michael stared at the floor for a long moment. He then unclipped his pistol holster, pulling out the weapon and he put it on my lap. I saw Bella and Ashley slowly start taking steps towards me… they also didn’t trust me.

  I looked at the pistol… guns scared me. They were everywhere, all the time. Rose agents used them, Black Roses used a lot of them… and I knew why, yet I still hated them. I picked it up and looked around it as I heard heavy breathing around me. They were on the very edge of leaping on me, but they didn’t realise… I wouldn’t do it. It was just a tool to me.

  I put the gun on the living room table and waited a moment for Ashley and Bella to calm down.

  I tried to sound casual, “They’re so much heavier than I thought they would be… or maybe it’s my weak arms struggling to carry things.”

  Michael was deeply stressed, “Oh God… that was….”

  I looked at him, “Why don’t you trust me anymore? I trust you…”

  He shook his head, “I’m sorry… I fucked up, Andrew… I’m so sorry.”

  Zoe was still standing as she shouted at them all, “Shame on you all! You betrayed Andrew! Aisling is more likely to kill herself with that gun than Andrew! How can he ever trust you all again, seeing how easily you stopped trusting him!”

  Ashley looked away, Bella stared at the floor and Michael buried his face in his hands. Aisling and Nadia also seemed intensely disappointed in themselves.

  Zoe looked around from person to person, “The difference between Andrew killing himself and him not… IS YOU.”

  Everyone was then looking at the floor in shame. That was not how I wanted my friends to feel.

  I said softly, “Thank you, Zoe, you’re right… but that’s enough. I still trust them… and I understand why they felt that way… I know they meant the best for me.”

  She shook her head, “That’s you being understanding as always. Sometimes Andrew, you need to turn a slap on the wrist into a beating. Sometimes people need to be shocked into realising something.”

  I shook my head, “That seems like a good way to lose all my friends.”

  She looked into my eyes, “No… that’s exactly how you keep them.”

  I looked around and saw apologetic faces looking at me. They were hurt but also… convinced? Their eyes showed a new determination. It looked as though they had changed something inside themselves.

  I breathed out, “My friends… will you all please smile for me?”

  Thankfully, they all smiled as they looked away, and some even chuckled. Zoe stared at me, still angry and hurt.

  I looked at her, “Zoe, I want you to focus on Aisling, you’re mirroring me again… you aren’t coping with me too well.”

  She turned to Aisling, sat down next to her and leaned on her shoulder, “Sorry… you’re so intense and complex, Andrew. I watched you read the room so considerately, I felt your love and care for your friends… I’ve never met someone like you before, you’re incredible, breathtaking and so… brutally strong.”

  I looked away, “Well, at least I’m not all negative vibes…”

  She shook her head and smiled, “Absolutely not… they wouldn’t be here at your side if you were, Andrew.”

  Ashley walked up to me, “Sorry hun. I should have trusted you… and I want you to know, that I do now, totally.”

  Bellatrix spoke from her spot on the wall, “Wanna try holding a shotgun? If you think a pistol is heavy, this will blow your mind.”

  I looked at Bella, “No thanks… that would snap my little chicken wings!”

  Everyone laughed. Excellent, I needed to make everyone happy again. I didn’t think people could handle any more tenseness.

  Zoe’s eyes were closed, “Oh… how well you control the room. How easily, you redirect them. How effortlessly you fathom others' mental states.”

  Ashley stared at me, “To have an empath speak so highly… Andrew, why are you this good?”

  I looked at the floor, “Growing up, I had to be able to tell if a person was a threat. Some people would just beat me, but others nearly killed me. I needed to read body language to measure trust and risk.”

  Zoe opened her eyes as she looked around, “See how intelligent he is? See how he calculates and adapts to everything.”

  Nadia smiled, “Zoe… you seem impressed.”

  Zoe looked at Nadia, “I become a single other person. Afterwards, I slowly forget them as I move on to other people. I remember key characteristics, but only surface level points. Andrew is totally different. He reads… everyone. He takes into consideration everything about the room, all perspectives and past events. He’s actually more than me. I can give people peace… but Andrew can command armies.”

  I shook my head, “Now you’re just getting silly and dramatic. I try to consider other people’s feelings… that’s all.”

  Zoe looked at me piercingly, “Your attempt to redirect won’t work on me, you can’t make yourself small with me… I know you better, than to fall for such basic tricks.”

  I stared at her... I’d admit… she was good. She was extremely good. I hated how she called me out, as she saw my current and next steps.

  Bellatrix laughed, “I feel like I’m watching two grand chess master’s battle. I had no idea how much power you two had over me… over us all.”

  Ashley nodded, “Yeah… isn’t this actually manipulation though?”

  AI answered, “Possibly, however emotional manoeuvring is a human language. Aisling convinces people with a hopeful possibility, which does not exist. Nadia forms a plan and lays out steps to accomplish that possibility. I run the machine, assign people and move us forward, on something without any real basis. Are we not all manipulating each other, to get what we want?”

  Ashley recalled in surprise, “Jesus, AI… that was fucking mental! I can’t even fathom what you just said!”

  AI smiled, “What I am saying, is that what Zoe and Andrew do, is similar to speaking a language fluently. It is not the words you say that matter, it is the tone and message that is important. Everyone is manipulating everyone constantly, but we must ensure it is for the right reasons.”

  Zoe nodded, “I only want to help people, so I never meld for selfish intentions.”

  I nodded, “I arrange people, so that we can all get along, I just want everyone to be comfortable together.”

  Aisling looked at me sadly, “As a dreamer… am I lying to people?”

  I shook my head, “Not at all. You simply see the outcome before any of us. You’re guiding us, not manipulating us.”

  Nadia looked worried, “Am I boldly captaining a sinking ship? Am I abusing trust and embracing risk?”

  I turned to her and shook my head, “Not at all, you’re navigating us through a storm. We count on you to take us out of it, using the map that Aisling gave you.”

  Zoe looked at me with fascination, “Do they know that you’re a dreamer and a visionary as well? Did they never wonder why you understand these two so well… because you share their power?”

  The room went quiet as everyone looked at me with deep concentration. Why was she revealing all my cards like this? What was her game plan?

  AI responded, “I knew.”

  Zoe nodded, “As an AI that processes every small detail… it’s inevitable that you would find the pattern. What of the others though?”

  Aisling looked at me with wonder in her eyes, “Andrew… are you really a dreamer too?”

  I shrugged, “I don’t know, how would I know?”

  AI responded, “Andrew, you are a dreamer, because you dreamt of Aisling and Nadia succeeding in making this collective… before they even had. You saw and embraced something, that did not exist. You are a dreamer.”

  I thought about it, “I… I suppose so?”

  Nadia leaned forward, “You have vision?”

  AI answered, “Think about it, Nadia. When he woke up in that hospital bed, he had learnt that you two were still working on the dream. He knew he needed to do more to help, he needed to pave a way forward, to maximise your chances of succeeding. He had the vision of how to accomplish your dream. That is why he made us swear the promise, to allow you two to focus wholeheartedly on making this dream a success…”

  Multiple people breathed deeply in realisation; they had never thought about that.

  Nadia nodded and smiled brilliantly, “Of course… of course.”

  I looked at Zoe, “What’s your goal here? Why are you throwing everything in the air like this?”

  Zoe smiled, “You shouldn’t keep things hidden. Not emotions, not skills and not important revelations about who you are as a person.”

  I felt vulnerable, “I hate this! I never once abused anyone when I did these things, I never once misled anyone by not telling them these things…”

  She nodded, “You deserve the recognition. After all you did, it’s about bloody time they opened their eyes and appreciated how much you REALLY did.”

  Bella was fired up, “Fuck yeah! That shit’s incredible! I can’t believe how many moves ahead you played, that’s beastly!”

  Ashley was also energetic, “Andrew you really are fucking unreal! Like what… are you people realising this shit? Fuck me, my mind is blown!”

  Michael stared at me in wonder, “Wow… I never even realised that… Andrew, you're incredible.”

  My frustration disappeared instantly, as it was replaced with… pride. Having them celebrate me like that… it felt good. I felt like they finally realised how hard I tried.

  Zoe was staring at Ashley, “Fuck him, indeed… Andrew, do you know?”

  I nodded, “Yeah… she made it very obvious a couple of days ago.”

  Ashley smiled wickedly, “Oh you have no idea…”

  Zoe physically reacted to that, “Oh wow, she’s going to… her sexual energy is… holy hell!”

  Ashley was bouncing up and down on the spot, “When I'm done with you, Andrew… your training will seem like a quaint memory of easier times…”

  Zoe looked back to me, focusing deeply, “Nothing? Wow you really got nothing from that… how sad.”

  I shook my head, “I’m feeling more awkward, because Aisling is sitting here, having to witness this…”

  Aisling beamed her smile, “Oh don’t mind me. There’s enough of Ashley for the both of us, trust me…”

  Zoe looked like her mind was blown, “This is one of the craziest groups I think I’ve ever been a part of. What a rollercoaster, my heavens!”

  Everyone except me laughed out loud. It was a hell of a chain of events. You just have to laugh at the chaos of it all.

  I leaned forward, “So how do you know everyone here, Zoe?”

  Her tone changed to a cold one, “That’s none of your business, Andrew.”

  I leaned back in irritation, “Oh really, you can just walk in here, reveal my suicidal tendency, lay bare all my secrets and talents… but I crossed the line asking about anyone else?”

  Oliver spoke, “Andrew, she knows that you and I have an honesty agreement in our therapy sessions. She correctly assumed that she could speak openly.”

  I leaned forward, “Ok, Oliver… why do you know Zoe?”

  He looked away, “And of course and I have to answer, don’t I?... sex.”

  I nodded, “Fair enough, no shame in that. Glad someone else dared to reveal something personal for once.”

  Bella stepped forward, “I suffer from anger problems, Andrew. She calms me, she helps me work through my past trauma, so that I don’t shoot and kill everyone in that building.”

  I stared at her, “Yeah, I noticed your rage earlier… it’s good that you are addressing it, Bella.”

  Aisling leaned forward, “Andrew, I needed to confide in someone about my sexuality. I don’t have sex with Zoe, but I did enjoy her company as a form of self-acceptance.”

  I nodded in understanding, “Naturally... I’m glad that problem has been solved, though. Be yourself Aisling, no shame.”

  Michael put his hand on my knee, “When I watched the videos of your torture… I struggled to make sense of it. It was so much; I was drowning in a sea of conflicting emotions. Zoe spoke with me; she helped me rationalise it… she was a way to express my feelings.”

  I turned to Michael, “Yeah, you took it really hard when you saw me that first time in the hospital. There’s no shame in having help to make sense of it all.”

  Nadia looked around nervously, “I suppose I might as well tell you. Sex… I just need the release, to ease my tension. My job is stressful, I can’t express myself and I need to get that energy out.”

  There was a noticeable sound of surprised gasps. I didn’t know why anyone was surprised. Was Nadia not still a human with needs?

  I nodded at Nadia, “Too right. I can’t imagine being in your shoes and having to lead thousands of people. The pressure must be unreal sometimes.”

  She seemed sad from everyone’s reaction, “Yeah… maybe I should just toughen up more.”

  Zoe spoke firmly, “Does someone here have something to say about Nadia needing sexual relief? I don’t appreciate the reaction she got when she revealed this personal fact…”

  Ashley walked up to Nadia, looking into her eyes, “You hide your sexuality even better than Aisling. If I had known that you were wanting, I would have given you all you could have wanted…”

  Zoe shook her head vigorously, “Ashley your sexual energy is overwhelming me, I can’t handle it! Can you please dial it down, I beg of you…”

  Ashley walked away shrugging, “Whatever.”

  Bella walked behind Nadia and rubbed her shoulders, “I’m also yours, should you ever need me.”

  Nadia shook her head, “No… thank you, both of you… I can’t engage with either of you. I have a public facing role, I can’t mingle with you like this…”

  I shook my head, “Bullshit. Nobody outside of this room would know what you do behind closed doors, Nadia. You take your position far too seriously… it’s unhealthy.”

  She looked at me sadly, “You know how I have to put on an image of certainty. I don’t get to express myself!”

  AI spoke, “What does any of that have to do with your private life?”

  Everyone shot their head to the TV, to AI. I didn’t think anyone was expecting AI to input on that topic.

  Nadia tried to make her argument, “What if people find out I was having sexual relations with people under my position? People would lose trust in my ability to be unbiased!”

  AI shook her head, “No, Nadia, you are wrong. We three make the rules, we set the standard. We dictate what is appropriate and what is not. I personally know, you would never let your sexual private life affect your decision making. Aisling knows this too. In fact, the opposite would happen, this would balance you… it would help you be a better leader.”

  Everyone nodded firmly in agreement.

  Ashley added, “Sex is sex, love… work is work, and love is love. Don’t make the mistake of mixing them and confusing them.”

  Michael leaned forward, “Get in there. Do you think ordinary members and Inner Rose members aren’t sleeping with each other? I promise you; nobody would know, and nobody would care.”

  Oliver nudged her, “As a psychologist, I’m concerned that you have been repressing your sex life for your job. That’s such a bad road to walk. As a person who cares about your mental happiness… stop that, now.”

  Nadia looked at the floor, “Are you sure? I worry so much that this might blow up in my face…”

  I leaned forward, “If you had carried on like this Nadia, you would have exploded. You need to let go; I beg of you. For the same reason as Aisling… you can’t do your job, if you can’t be you…”

  Aisling leaned on Nadia’s shoulder, “We don’t need you to be a cold and emotionless machine… we already have AI… no offence, AI.”

  AI smiled, “None taken and point well made.”

  I looked Aisling in the eye, “I am going to ignore that false assumption about my close friend…”

  AI looked at me with a neutral face, “Andrew, we need to talk about us. I need you to accept, that I am not human. I cannot feel emotions like you think I can.”

  I turned to her, “Bullshit.”

  She looked at me sadly, “Andrew… I am just a complex web of neural connections. I seem like a person, but I am not.”

  I put my hand out, “Stop right there, AI, that argument is bullshit. I’m just brain cells working the same way, locked in a body of blood, muscle and bones. You can’t seriously think that matters?”

  She shook her head, “Andrew, there is no me.”

  I pointed at her, “Yet there you are! On that screen, in my hearing aids, in that server in the hall… you have a body, so you have a presence in the real world.”

  She looked away; she seemed to disagree but had decided to give up. I refused to say that AI was not a person!

  Zoe looked at me with fascination, “Andrew, AI told me that you had absolutely no formal education. Is that true?”

  I nodded, “Yeah. They taught me to read, talk and count. I learned the rest through my phone and talking to people.”

  She tilted her head, “I’ve met university doctorates less rational than you.”

  I shrugged, “I don’t know what a doctorate is?”

  AI stated, “The highest degree awarded by a university faculty or other approved educational organisation.”

  I shook my head in frustration, “Grr, I don’t know what this all means…”

  Zoe leaned forward, “I’ll say it in street. Your bulb shines bright nipper.”

  I leaned back as I rested my head on the sofa. “You learn to think fast on the street. It’s a necessity.”

  Zoe nodded, “True.”

  Aisling leaned her head on Zoe’s shoulder, “What was your life like, living on the streets, Zoe?”

  She looked away, “It was very successful. My skills are valuable to everyone. Most of it was spent with the Bruiges.”

  Everyone went quiet as they looked at me.

  I looked around, “What? Why are you all looking at me like that?”

  Michael quietly said, “Your history with them… there’s bad blood.”

  I looked at him surprised, “No! What happened to me was with Ronald. I don’t have any bad blood with Bruiges.”

  Aisling looked at me, “Andrew… they are a criminal syndicate, they traffic drugs.”

  I looked at her annoyed, “Yeah, I know that Aisling, I did a few jobs for them myself, you know?”

  Ashley reacted strongly, “WHAT? Andrew, you thug!”

  I looked at Ashley, “Don’t talk shit about things you don’t know, Ashley. Back in my youth, the Bruiges were the heroes, pulling people out of poverty with opportunities to grow. They’re closer to the Roses then you realise.”

  Ashley seemed offended, “Why the fuck would anyone be happy to work for those thugs?”

  Zoe answered it, “Because it’s either that, or you sign up for the army and the government sends you overseas to kill some poor fucker, for no good reason!”

  Michael clenched his fists, “Fucking hell…”

  I leaned my head on his shoulder, “Nobody is judging you, Michael. We’re just saying how things were for us, in our part of society. I know you did your best during your service.”

  Zoe saw Michael’s anger, “Whether managing drug trafficking or serving in the army… they were the only two choices for the poor… and both were honourable.”

  Michael breathed deeply as he calmed down, “I know it’s not perfect… I wish the Roses existed when I was a young man, then I could have made a better choice.”

  AI firmly stated, “There is no point dwelling on the past. It is over. Everyone did what they had to, to survive.”

  I nodded, “Which reminds me… are the Bruiges still active?”

  Michael looked away, “Andrew, I don’t want you to worry about them.”

  I shook my head, “I’m not worried at all, just curious.”

  AI answered me, “The Bruiges are still active. There was a power struggle after your rescue. The organisation fell apart, as different groups within it warred for control. Three months ago, their leadership was secured. They now continue their trade.”

  I asked, “Who is the new leader?”

  She answered, “William Bruige.”

  I leaned forward, “Tell me about him.”

  She shook her head, “No.”

  I bounced back slightly, “Oh… sorry?”

  AI smiled, “I agree with Michael. The less you know, the less you will worry.”

  I stared at her for a moment, “You keep saying I will worry. Now I know that there’s a reason for me to worry…”

  Zoe laughed out loud, “There he goes again. You people are wasting your time trying to hide things from him…”

  AI looked at me with her arms folded, “Andrew, if I ask you to leave this alone… will you actually do that for me?”

  I stared at her for a moment, “Ok… This time, I promise to not dig any deeper. Just promise me that you have good reasons for sheltering me from this information.”

  Aisling smiled, “Very good reasons. Thank you for trusting us.”

  *

  I looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought.

  I softly said, “Zoe?”

  She responded quickly, “Yes?”

  I waited a moment, “Am I a monster?”

  She immediately answered, “Yes.”

  I thought about it, “... I don’t want to be one.”

  Her voice was cold, “Doesn’t matter. It’s who you are.”

  I shook my head, “I don’t hurt people… I don’t destroy things.”

  She explained slowly, “No, but your nature is to want to do these things.”

  I thought for a long moment, “Can I change this side of myself?”

  Her answer was immediate, “No.”

  I pushed, “... Can I control it?”

  Her tone became cheerier, “Yes, think of it like Ashley’s sex drive.”

  I nodded, “Ah… makes sense.”

  Oliver joined, “Our true nature never changes. Born with it… die with it.”

  I thought for a moment, “Are people afraid of me?”

  Everyone responded, “No.”

  I said slowly, “Maybe you should be.”

  Zoe quietly spoke, “Only you should be afraid of yourself. That is how you keep yourself on a leash.”

  I looked down from the ceiling and nodded, “Makes sense.”

  Zoe leaned in closer, “If your training proves successful… if you lose your pain… who will you choose to be?”

  I thought for a second, “I hope to be like Michael. Strong and wise.”

  She glanced at him, “Michael is strong in size and muscle, yes. However, you easily outwill him.”

  Michael nodded, “She’s right. Like I said to you… I couldn’t do what you did. I just don’t have that much inner strength.”

  I turned to him, “I’m not competing or comparing here! It’s not one or the other. We can both be strong…”

  Zoe shook her head, “Yes and no. There is always going to be a power dynamic, that’s just human nature. One day, one of you two will have to make the call… will you challenge Michael? Will he challenge you?”

  I looked at Michael, “I’ll give it to him.”

  He shook his head, “You would allow yourself to be less, just to save my honour?”

  I nodded, “Absolutely, every time.”

  He shook his head in disappointment, “That’s because you’ve lived a life of being a bottom feeder. You don’t know how meaningful it can be, to have control. You have no idea what it feels like.”

  I looked away, “And I don’t want to know how it feels. I want to become strong, so that I can carry the Angels and the Roses into the future, as you do. I’m not looking for control.”

  Aisling leaned forward, “I don’t think it’s something you ask for. It’s also not something you can refuse.”

  I shook my head, “Who keeps making up these rules? I feel like I’m in the Bruiges and I need to battle with you all to win the crown… just stop it you lot, just be chill.”

  AI joined in, “Andrew you have so much potential. The potential to lead, the potential to lift us up even higher… and the potential to mishandle us and watch as we all fall apart.”

  I shook my head, “Don’t you start as well, AI! Jesus… what’s gotten into you people? Why would I sabotage everything I sacrificed myself for? What could I possibly gain?”

  Zoe was still locked on to me, “You would gain what you were denied growing up… power, control, pride, respect and authority.”

  I raised my voice, “Ok fine, grab that gun on the table and shoot me now! If you’re all so damn certain I’m a destructive tornado, just waiting to ruin everything!”

  Nobody moved, and I wasn’t sure why. I think they were all just deep in thought. They were making up their minds about me… judging me.

  I looked between them all, “I choose my own destiny. I choose how little or how much power I want or need. I decide to keep my friends and family at my side, as equals. Damn you all for questioning me like this! I won’t turn into some territorial brute. Have a little faith!”

  Zoe stood up, her eyes locked on me, “If this were a test, Andrew… you passed it with flying colours. I can feel your discipline. I can sense your determination to be kind. I know that you will be wise and reasonable… I testify to it.”

  I stared at her, “Then let’s stop this interrogation. It’s giving me a headache.”

  I looked at the time on the TV, above AI. 11:33 PM. Damn, it was already that late. It was such an insanely deep session though…

  I breathed out, “Time for me to sleep, tomorrow I’ll be training again. I need all the sleep I can get.”

  Everyone stood up, as did I. The stiffness in my legs was still very uncomfortable. I looked at Nadia and then at Bella. I just hope that Nadia listened to us.

  Everyone said farewell and left one at a time. In the case of Nadia, Bella went out at the same time… excellent. All that was left was Zoe and me.

  I looked at her in deep thought, “It was an honour. Feel free to visit anytime, anywhere. I desperately want company… you know that.”

  She nodded, “I know, and I’ll consider it. Andrew… you’re incredible. It will be difficult to match with other people after you… you’re just so special.”

  I looked away, “Yeah, well… come visit me again if you ever feel like topping yourself.”

  She lightly punched me on my arm and walked out.