“So, my best friend, the woman I loved, the woman that I owe more than I can ever repay, and who I thought dead is… part of a Saint. A Saint to a new goddess and pantheon hoping to make a home in Uvtrayl, and who is the center of the peace talks and the potential independence of Pitrak.” Tendri nibbled absently on her food after speaking, staring at me from across the table as she and my tribe enjoyed dinner.

  She had taken up Dekarru’s invitation to join us, even with the warning that she would be the only clothed person there. So we all sat together, the woman I’d ached for most of one of my lives desperately trying to not stare at anyone’s body. Her two friends had understood the ck of invitation, gathering quickly that Tendri and I had a history and wishing us a happy reunion.

  Likewise, Azuriel requested to eat elsewhere. She was not part of the tribe, technically, and feared both her own awkwardness in the situation as well as being a distraction. Which was fair. She had earned some trust and as such she was dining with Mahrk and Divh’s encve as they had bonded somewhat during the cooking lessons earlier that day.

  Dekarru grinned. “To be fair, Mary, the Fae-Lord, did a lot of things on her own that we weren’t aware of. Things that ultimately pushed your Prime Minister to journey here himself for the talks. But yes, Stareyes is in fact very important to what is happening.”

  Tendri nodded slowly. “But um… why the dick?”

  Wen snorted and covered her mouth to keep her ughter in. I sighed and shook my head. “Okay, this is very very secret. I trust you as much as I do any member of my tribe so I’m letting you in on this, but please tell absolutely no one.” She nodded to me. “My pantheon fucked up. They picked someone to be a Saint and then found out, after things were too far to reverse, that I’m not interested in men at all.”

  Tendri blinked and tilted her head. “What the hells does that have to-,” she snapped her fingers suddenly. “Oracles are descendants of Saints! Duh!”

  “You always were the smart one.” I smiled, warmth in my chest as I looked into her eyes.

  “I’m still upset with you.” She spoke the truth, though I could read her more easily than anyone else in the world. She was upset, but she was far more joyful that at least some part of Lietri was still here for her. She still had things she wanted to say to Lietri and she now knew that she could.

  “Justifiably so. But yes, Vei’Ryn needs an oracle line and spent too much to make me, so a minor tweak was implemented and now I can make sure that said oracle line does come into existence.”

  Jaina snorted. “Minor.”

  Wen pushed her face firmly into her hands, her body trembling as she struggled to keep whatever snarky comment she had thought up, buried. She was honestly on her best behavior and I was proud of her.

  Dekarru sighed. “Behave.”

  Tendri rubbed her face. “This is a lot.”

  I smiled. “Yeah, but when have things been easy for us? If I didn’t think you could handle all of this I wouldn’t have dropped it all on you at once.”

  She tilted her head and gave me a curious look. “She’s in there, but you’re really not her. Or, not only her at least.” A smile graced her lips, but it held a sorrow in it that drew a shadow of grief across her features. “She meant well, but she never respected my strength. She always made things easier for me, no matter what. Even when I didn’t need things easier. Even when I didn’t WANT things easier.”

  “I—she knew that. It’s one of those things, the ones I don’t agree with. She knew you were stronger, but she hated the very idea of you needing to face anything she couldn’t face in your stead. It was part of her self-loathing. She couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t do everything she could for you, even to the point of self harm.” I kept my eyes locked with hers, my voice soft.

  “She really was messed up, wasn’t she?”

  “Yeah. I’m sorry, this probably isn’t what you want to hear about her.”

  “No, no it’s… I can’t live in hopes and memories, I have to face reality.” She gave me a humorless smirk. “Do you think, that if things had gotten better…?”

  I took a breath and sat back. “I think Lietri needed the kind of psychological help that she was almost certainly never going to get. If only because she would have turned it down even if it was offered. I hate to speak ill of her, but she and Dani were both pretty broken. Between the two of them I’m one mostly functional person, individually though…” I shook my head.

  Tendri forced a smile. “I guess that’s one way of getting better, huh?”

  Carmil sat beside Tendri, my elemental lover had been quiet so far as she let me reconnect with my first love. But at this she turned, reaching over to pce a hand on Tendri’s. “You are allowed to grieve. Do not think that because Lietri’s soul has not crossed the river that you are not allowed to mourn her loss. She was of extreme importance to your heart for a significant portion of your life and while some part of her remains as Esme, who she was when the two of you were together is gone. You need not force yourself to appear less pained than you are.”

  Tendri tensed slightly and started to force the smile to her lips again. “Really, I’m fine.”

  Dekarru reached across the table to take her other hand. “I know grief intimately Miss Dawnlight. I have lived several centuries and seen loss too many times. Carmil speaks the truth, be open with your feelings. You are helping no one by bottling things up and hiding your pain.”

  I gave Tendri a small nod and gazed into her eyes. “You should listen to them, they’re both damned smart. Let yourself hurt. If you feel better holding it in until you’re alone, I understand. But don’t pretend that you’re happy when you’re not. Especially not if it’s for my sake.”

  She sniffled, a tear escaping her emotional grip. “I… I cried for you, for her, for so many days. I cried and screamed and begged the gods to make it all a lie, to let me wake up from the nightmare. I wanted to suddenly open my eyes and roll over to find out I was still in our shitty old bed in that attic and you were there right beside me.” Carmil produced a handkerchief for Tendi, she’d likely been waiting for its need all evening. “But this? I don’t know exactly how to think about this. Lietri is still here, but also gone. You’re her and also someone else but also neither of them? It’s a lot. I think you might be wrong, this might be more than I can deal with.”

  I shook my head. “No. You’re amazing, strong, brilliant, driven. We both know that the only thing that ever had any real power over you was her, and then only because you gave it to her. Lietri—I might have helped you get a shortcut to escaping that little town and making it big. But you were never going to be less than incredible.” She met my gaze again. “Tendri. This is horrible, confusing, painful, I know it. Gods do I know it. You are going to cry, you are going to mourn, you are going to be deep in some shitty emotions, and probably for several days at least. But you will come out the other side ready to face anything. Because you are a force of nature with a mind sharper than any knife and smile that can make an angel blush.”

  Tears streamed from her eyes. “I wanted her to tell me that for so long. To just saying something good about me without tearing herself down as she did so. Tell me, is she—are you happy?”

  I felt an honest smile spread on my lips. “Incredibly happy. I have people I love deeply, a home where I can be me without compromise, a purpose that will help so many people, and a chance to finally tell you what Lietri wanted to for so long.”

  She smiled gently. “Good. That… that matters. You didn’t really know how to be happy as Lietri, did you?”

  I shook my head. “She thought the only happiness that mattered was yours.”

  “But you’ve learned better now?”

  “Self love is crucial. If you can’t love yourself, any love you have for another is… broken, incomplete. At the very least, your ability to express it is. Lietri didn’t understand that, but Dani did. Not that Dani was inherently a better person, but they both had life lessons to teach each other.” I sighed and shook my head. “As I said, between them I am a mostly functional person.”

  Tendri nodded slowly and took a bite of her food. There was another stretch of silence, food being focused on so that feelings could be processed. But a chuckle from her lips broke it. “This is really good. I kind of expected like, something more primitive I guess? When you invited me to dinner I imagined like, a whole pig on a spit being cooked over a pit without any spices. No offense intended.”

  Weren grinned broadly. “I have in fact cooked a whole pig on a spit before, but never without seasoning. That would be such a waste. And I’m not offended. You’ve obviously never encountered Path folk before, yet you’re here honestly facing your assumptions and making an effort to learn. That counts for so much more than people realize.”

  “Here here.” Dekarru raised her cup. “Someone willing to admit to ignorance and work to correct it can count themselves among the wise.”

  Flyt spoke up from her pce near the end of the table. “If you want, you can hang out with us while we learn? Ephi and I just joined and we’re still figuring things out.”

  I could see the gears turning for Tendri, but she shook her head. “I don’t want to be a bother.”

  Ephi broke her timid silence to speak. “You wouldn’t be. Anyone Esme cares for is worth having around.”

  Tendri gave me a look through the tears that continued to fall from her eyes. “You certainly leave an impression of people, don’t you?”

  I shrugged and averted my eyes, a blush heating my cheeks. “I just want to help people. I think I get that from Lietri for the most part. Being The Dreamer’s Saint just so happens to give me the tools and opportunities to do so.”

  Luvetra cleared her throat. “Not to s-seem rude, but we haven’t heard much about you tonight.” She gave Tendri a warm smile. “I have heard much about you from Esme’s m-memories as Lietri, but I think we both w-want to know more about your life since then.”

  I bit my lip, I had been afraid to ask. Worried it would come off stupid or insensitive. ‘Hey, how have you been since I left you alone all those years ago?’ or something worse. I just looked at her hopefully and took a sip of my drink.

  Tendri actually smiled, a real happy smile for the first time that evening. “Well I made a friend, a really really good one actually. Periallet, she saved my ass not long after I got to Librana. Going from a small town to the nation’s capital was completely overwhelming. Peri saw me having a breakdown in a park after one too many bad days in a row and rushed in to save the poor country bumpkin. She is a damned machine, a powerhouse of social management. Which I guess makes sense considering she’s a negotiator for the Scribe’s Union. But I know her more as the person that taught me how to live in the city, how to take care of myself in a pce that made so little sense to me.

  “And…” she looked into my eyes. “She’s the one who was there for me, to help me grieve.”

  From there things fell into a pattern of happy stories about our lives since parting and then some reminder of the hurt between us. It was good, even the painful parts, getting everything out and making sure nothing got bottled up and unsaid. We ughed, cried, ughed again. Dinner ended and we were still talking, telling my tribe about the lovely old man that let us rent his storage attic as a home. Of the weird woman that raised chickens and grew a huge field of tomatoes, more than enough for the whole vilge. Of the creepy local lord who’s name I couldn’t remember and Tendri didn’t want to say, who apparently tried to hit on the daughter of a Duke a year after I left and ended up being kicked out of the family and repced with a shut in cousin that did a much better job managing the area’s affairs.

  We talked about Henna, Doctor Francova, Oscar, Tulip and Gina and the upcoming double date. I fretted over forgetting to look for a good cafe while I was out, and over realizing that I was known now and the date was probably going to be interrupted a lot.

  We talked about our lives, our loves, our friends, our worries and hopes. By the time we grew tired and realized it was getting te, we were sitting side by side, comfortable with each other and smiling like the years and trauma were only a minor hiccup.

  I escorted Tendri to the exit of the district as the rest of my tribe readied our beds. I would have a soldier walk her to her hotel, but I could at least see her out of the gate.

  “You can stay the night, no one will try anything, we certainly have something comfortable you could wear.” As I spoke, a smile that I didn’t feel tried to form. I fought it off, she deserved my true feelings if anyone did.

  She shook her head. “I’d feel awkward. But thank you.”

  “Are you okay?”

  She shook her head again. “I will be I think, but not yet.”

  “I meant it all,” I said softly as I reached out and took her hand in my own. “I love you. No matter what else, no matter who I was or who I become, I love you. I know that this is…” I took a breath and shook my head. “Impossible. It’s impossible. I wish I could make it easier for you, or at least easier to understand and internalize. But being a Saint hasn’t really helped me navigate this mess just for myself, much less someone else.”

  She threaded her fingers through my own and squeezed lightly. “You’re enough you that I see her and something more in your eyes.” She gave a small nervous ugh. “Gods, I need to go so I can cry in private.” She shifted suddenly and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight as her head rested against my shoulder.

  I returned the hug and held her close, the warmth of her body, her breath on my neck. Time ticked by and I felt like the center of the universe there in her arms. But eventually, we had to part.

  Except, we didn’t.

  I wouldn’t compin, I would eagerly enjoy any extra moment I had with her, but her arms tightened around me and her tears dripped down my skin. “Tendri?”

  She trembled against me. “I can’t.”

  “What do you-”

  “I can’t. I can’t let go.” Her voice was strained, sobs no longer held back. Fingers dug into my skin desperately. “If I let go, you’ll vanish. If I let go you’ll fall over dead, or turn to ash and blow away, or I’ll wake up and it will be just a dream and that letter will still be true and Lietri will just be another causality of that stupid war.”

  I tightened my grip around her as she cried. “I’m real, I promise.”

  “No, if I let go you won’t be. I know it.” She shook her head against me, shivering in hurt and fear.

  I kissed the top of her head. “Okay, then just keep holding on. We’ll go back to the yurt and make room for you and you can just stay like this as long as you need to. Okay?” She nodded without hesitation, but words failed her.

  The walk back was a bit awkward, she really didn’t let go at all. But once we were back, a pce was made for the two of us without comment. My tribe was the best I could hope for. No questions, no judgment, just a hand to help when needed.

  I held her as she continued to cling to me, fear and grief having bubbled over the moment we finally held one another. I think in that moment, it all became real to the deepest parts of her mind. Once it was real, it had the potential to not be.

  I would prove I was real to her. I would hold her, and she would hold me, and in the morning she would open her eyes and see me again. For the first time since we lived in that attic, the first thing she would see in the morning light was me, and I her.

  I held her close as Luv pulled a bnket over the two of us, kissing my cheek softly before leaving us to ourselves. I felt Tendri in my arms, her breathing slowing as sleep started to win the battle against her anxiety, and in that moment… she was real too, and I wept.