“The only rule in the Sect of the [Deep Fried Dead],” Dick said as he paced around the Japanese-style dojo with tatami mat flooring, addressing his disciples. He wore an overly ornate jade robe with far too many golden dragons on it. “Is that there are no rules.”

  “Uh, Dick? You sure that’s right? This is your inaugural class, you know? You can’t afford to mess this up.”

  “Aw, I know. But I’ve always just wanted to say that.”

  Dick’s students listened to him with rapt attention. Today, he was teaching his ‘No Really Bro’ Disciples. They were the most dedicated disciples of them all. Or so Greg said. In reality, Dick had no idea what the fuck was going on. But his disciples were only too happy to spread the gospel of the burger, and let’s face it, did anything else truly matter?

  “Patriarch Dick! What must we do to cultivate the path of the [Deep Fried Dead]?” a ‘No Really Bro’ disciple asked.

  “First, you must learn the stages of cultivation,” Dick said as he paced around the room. “You! Your posture is poor! No burgers for you for one week!”

  “ONE WEEK!? Patriarch! Please have mercy!”

  “To cultivate the path of the [Deep Fried Dead] means to accept sacrifice. It is a lonely road, frought with peril and grief. Only those strong enough may brave it.”

  Dick’s students’ eyes sparkled as he talked.

  Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

  Greg groaned. “Oh man. I’m glad no one’s actually reading this story. Cringepilled af. Well, I guess if we’re rolling with this, we might as well turn the Sect into an MLM scheme. You’d be amazed how much money devout sect disciples can generate.”

  Dick nodded sagely at the floating gold star’s ruminations. “The first step of cultivation is known as Nascent Patty.”

  “Nascent Patty, Patriarch? Please impart your wisdom!”

  “Truly, Patriarch Dick’s words are pure jade. I almost feel like I can see Mount Tai!”

  “Fool! Only Patriarch Dick can see Mount Tai!”

  Dick cleared his throat and the room fell silent. “The Nascent Patty is the very foundation of your cultivation. Like a house of cards, without a strong base, it’ll all fall apart. Nascent Patty is to be one with the patty. You must absorb the oil into your very self. You must breathe the meat! Only then will you be able to ascend to the next stage of cultivation.”

  His students gulped. None dare raise their voice, but curiosity got the better of them.

  “Patriarch,” one man whispered. “Please tell us the next stage of cultivation!”

  “Once you have mastered the Nascent Patty, you may take on the next challenge. You may proceed… to Little Dick Formation. And to get there, you must double your burger and give it to the next person.”

  For a moment, there was silence. Then the entire class swooned.