“So, uh… what are the other stages of cultivation, Dick?” Greg asked. “I gotta say, for someone who didn’t even know what a sect was, you’re settling into your cliche Patriarch role quite well.”

  “Why thank you, Greg. Always been a dream of mine.”

  “That’s uh… that’s impossible, Dick. You didn’t even know what xianxia was until I forced you to read all those shitty webnovels.”

  “How do you even say that, anyway?”

  “Zee Ann Zee Uh. and don’t you forget it!”

  “Sure, whatever. So, the first stage is Nascent Patty,” Dick said, smoothly ignoring his floating five-pointed friend. “Came up with it while I was sitting on the toilet, actually. After that, we’ve got Little Dick Formation. That’s the important one. Big Dick’s gotta start from somewhere, yeah? That’s how I got that idea. Then it’s Based [Boarse] Burger and Big Dick Formation. And then, once you’ve mastered all that, you get to Heavenly Dick Ascension.”

  “Oh yeah? How long did it take you to come up with that?” asked Greg.

  “Hmm. About five minutes?”

  “Figures. And where are you on this scale, oh great Patriarch Dick of the Sect of the [Deep Fried Dead]? Wait, wait, lemme guess. You’re at Heavenly Dick Ascension? Of course you are. What egocentric Patriarch isn’t at the very apex of their cultivation?”

  “The fuck you on about, boy? I just told you I made that shit up. Why would I use such a dumbass scale?”

  Greg sighed. “Nevermind. I feel stupid for even asking.”

  The two walked in silence through the town as Dick’s disciples—who called themselves Dicksciples—dedicated themselves to their cultivation.

  “Do you want this [Boarse]burger?” a Dicksciple said, facing down a man who’d been going about his business. “Or should I double it and give it to the next person?”

  Beside him, another Dicksiple rushed up to a woman and stared her in the eyes. “Do you want this [Boarse]burger?” he said. “Or should I double it and give it to the next person?”

  The woman chose wisely. She accepted the [Boarse]burger.

  The man was not so lucky. “I think I’ll pass,” he said.

  “Mmmm, no, very unwise,” the Dicksciple replied as he shoved the [Boarse]burger down the man’s throat. As the man choked to death, the Dicksciple stole all his money.

  “Are you just gonna let that slide?” Greg asked as Dick walked by.

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  “Hell no! What kinda scoundrel do you think I am? I have principles, dammit!”

  Greg stopped in midair, shocked at Dick’s moral backbone.

  Dick walked up to the Dicksciple, who offered the buttcoin he’d stolen off the man. “For the Patriarch!”

  Dick hesitated, then collected the buttcoin with a sagely nod. “Continue to devote yourself to the path of the [Deep Fried Dead] and you shall attain Nascent Burger.”

  “Thank you, Patriarch Dick!” The Dicksciple said as tears flowed down his cheeks. “Thank you!”

  Dick nodded and walked away, pocketing the money.

  “Uh, Dick? Weren’t you gonna stop that? Like… I’m pretty sure that man over there just died.”

  “This is the way. I’m American. Money is my religion. And there is nothing money can’t buy,” Dick said, proudly.

  “Mmmm, yes, very wise,” Greg replied.