The sound of children ughing, of the wind whistling, of my heart beating at a million miles an hour, all those sounds and more mixed together in a wild cacophony that all but surrounded me. I looked around from the small bench I found myself on, observing the many happy families scattered across the park. All of whom were ughing and having fun, the por opposite of me in my nerve-rattled state. My body filled with a nervous tension as my leg bounced up and down like a jackhammer against the floor.
I looked at my phone for what must have been the third time that minute. In my panicked state, I ended up arriving at the park almost an hour early, leaving me with nothing to do but stew in my own thoughts and feelings, reminding me of the first date Helen and I had gone on. Only this time, there was no buildup of hidden excitement within me, only a deep sense of sadness and regret.
“Damn, and here I thought today was going to be the day that I finally arrived at a pce before you!” Helen cheerfully remarked, causing me to fling my head up in surprise at the sight of her beside me, somehow having done so without me noticing.
Before I could react, she immediately plonked herself down on the bench beside me, leaning her body against mine as she rested her head on the top of my shoulder.
“It’s good to see that you're alright. I swear I almost had a panic attack while waiting for Sam’s call saying you were okay.” Although she said it as a joke, from what Sam had told me about the messages he had received from her, I knew there was some truth to what she said. Something which made me feel even worse, knowing what I was going to do.
“So what was so important that you couldn’t wait until after I had finished school. Not that I’m compining, mind you, any reason to not go to that hellhole is a good one.” As her beautiful hazel eyes stared directly into mine, I suddenly found myself tongue-tied, unable to string together the smallest of sentences.
“Are you alright? You seem tense. Are you still injured?” Immediately, she shot up off the bench with a panicked look on her face as she began to scan every inch of my body for some perceivable injury.
Seeing the love and care she was showing me, and how I could feel my will and determination wavering, I knew that if I didn’t say what I needed to immediately, then I never would. So, with a heavy heart, I gently grabbed her hands that were pced on my shoulders and began to stand, bringing myself to eye level with her. Helen just looked at me in confusion as I took a deep breath in preparation.
“I want to break up.”
The ensuing silence was deafening, Helen’s face morphing every few moments as she tried to process what I had just said. “What, what are you on about?” She asked, chuckling weakly.
“Look, I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we should see each other anymore. I just thought I should tell you in person. Bye.” With that, I attempted a speedy retreat, having said all that I needed to say. Unfortunately, if not expected, Helen wasn’t about to let me leave that easily, grabbing my arm with an iron-tight grip and stopping me from escaping.
“Adam, what are you saying? You’re not making sense. Why do you suddenly want to break up? Everything between us was great only a couple of days ago!”
“Look, I don't know what to tell you. I just want to break up, so let me go.” I replied, averting my eyes as I failed to pry Helen’s grip from my arm. She truly did have a surprising amount of strength.
“Helen, everyone's staring.” I muttered quietly. At this point, we had drawn quite the crowd with our little dispy. Something which didn’t seem to have any effect on Helen.
“I don’t fucking care! There’s something you’re not telling me. And I think I know what it is.” Instantly, my evasive eyes locked onto her in shock while a panicked look quickly spread across my face as I wondered how she could have possibly found out the truth.
“This has something to do with the fight, doesn't it? What, are you breaking up with me because you feel guilty about getting me and Susan involved or something?” She scoffed, hinting at exactly what she thought about such a thought. “If so, you’re the biggest moron in the world. Neither of us even got injured for god's sake.” Upon hearing her assumption, I instantly wanted to sigh in relief.
“That's not it,” I replied while I rubbed my wrist, having finally managed to squirm my arm out of her goril-like grip. “While I do feel awful for getting you involved, that's not the reason why.”
“Then what?” She screamed in annoyance as she threw her hands up in exasperation, her voice so loud I doubted there wasn’t a single person in the park who hadn’t heard it, leading to even more eyes nding on the two of us; Most of them looking on with intrigue at the scene unfolding before their eyes.
Seeing the determined spark in her eyes, I realised that I had severely underestimated how stubborn Helen could be. An idiotic mistake, taking into account what I had learnt about her over the past month. I could still remember when we went to the fair for a date, how we spent hours huddled over one of the booths, pying the ring toss game. I swear, if it wasn’t for my wallet running dangerously low, I had no doubt she would have stayed there all night until she won.
The loud tapping of a foot rapidly hitting against the concrete tiles brought me back to reality and to the sight of an impatient and fuming Helen, waiting for a response I didn’t know how to give. I tried to think of what I could say, tens of different responses flitting through my mind, each one discarded in a matter of seconds. It must have been clear the strain I was under as the angry mask Helen wore seemed to crack slightly, her face showing a hint of concern that y underneath.
“Adam please. Why can’t you just tell me the truth?” She pleaded, breaking my heart more than it already was.
“I want to.” I finally managed to say with an exhale. “I want to, but I just can't. It would defeat the whole point.” I muttered before realising what I had just said out loud, immediately shutting my mouth with a resounding snap. I prayed that Helen hadn’t picked up on what I said, but from the way her eyes widened, I seemed to be out of luck.
“What do you mean, ‘it would defeat the whole point?’” She questioned, striding confidently towards me as she spoke, forcing me to awkwardly backpedal in retreat and almost fall over a stray soda can on the floor in the process.
“Uhh, I don-, I’m no-.” A string of stutters escaped my lips as I tried to think of something, anything to say that. Yet, as was becoming common, any excuse I could think of seemed to escape my mind, leaving me standing there floundering like a fool.
Suddenly, I felt the back of my foot connect against something solid behind me as I continued backwards away from Helen. I felt my heart lurch in my chest as I began falling backwards, my arms filing wildly in the air for some kind of purchase that wasn’t there. Thankfully, just as I resigned myself to what was about to happen, I felt both my back and arse in tandem connect with something solid, stopping my continued descent. With a quick look backwards, and a deep sigh of relief, I realised that instead of the floor, I had nded on a wooden bench pced right next to the path. Unfortunately, in the time it took to calm my beating heart, Helen had already blocked my escape, leaning her body down towards me and pcing both her arms on either side of my shoulders, trapping me in pce on the bench.
“Enough!” Helen said, face only inches away from mine. “No more running. Tell me the truth, I deserve that much at least if you’re going to break up with me.” It was at that moment, as I looked into her steady and clear eyes, that I knew I wouldn’t be able to lie to her. That my pn had failed.
“You’re right. As always.” I sighed in defeat. “Have a seat.” I said while motioning with my head to the vacant space next to me on the bench. Helen just stared at me in doubt, as if she was worried I was going to try and book it the moment she moved away. As if I would even make it a hundred feet before she would catch me again.
Eventually, she finally released her grasp on the bench and sat down beside me, her body tilted sideways towards mine. Seeing that her attention was on me, I thought about the best way to tell her the truth, realising at that moment the scope of what I was going to say. I wondered how I should go about telling her before deciding that being upfront and honest was probably for the best. It wasn’t as if I could somehow try and slowly ease into it, not with the news I was about to break to her. So with a heavy heart, I gazed into her eyes.
“The truth is, I’m suffering from a disease known as Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, and I haven’t got long left to live.”
I was ready for a number of reactions: Confusion, denial, anger, sadness. What I didn’t expect was the complete and utter silence that followed, with Helen remaining unmoving as her eyes, no longer staring into mine, gzed over. I just sat there, unsure of what to do. Luckily, it seemed I didn’t have to make a choice as she finally directed her face back towards mine, a face almost devoid of any emotion.
“Are you telling the truth?” Her voice was nothing but a whisper, so quiet it almost got lost in the loud breezes that cascaded past.
“Yeah. I am.” I sighed.
Before I could even react, Helen had her arms wrapped tightly around me, pulling me into a bone-breaking hug that forced me to exhale whatever air I had left in my lungs. In response, I simply sat there frozen in confusion. If I had been given one hundred guesses on how I expected the conversation to py out, I would have still failed. Slowly, after what must have been minutes, and after not too few gnces by passing couples and families all looking on in an endearing fashion, not knowing the seriousness of the situation, Helen slowly released her grip.
Her face appeared once more in my line of sight, though this time no longer devoid of emotions. Her lips were pced in a snted frown with tear stains streaked down her face. Seeing the look of sadness and devastation on her face destroyed me, to know the pain she felt was because of me. After all, the whole point of my pn had been to stop this exact thing from happening. On the other hand, however, just knowing that another person, just like my father and Sam, cared so much about me filled me with so much warmth and affection that I couldn’t help but smile, a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
I slowly pced my hands on her cheeks, using my thumbs to carefully wipe away the smudged tear stains still on her face. “You know, I’m a bit surprised how calm you are. What, did you already figure it out?” I joked, trying to add both some levity to the conversation and also just naturally curious.
“I don’t know, maybe a little.” She responded as her body slumped into mine.
“Really? What do you mean, maybe a little?”
“Not that you were dying.” She crified. “But I knew that you weren’t alright. That something was wrong.”
“Really?” I asked in surprise. To which I just got a deadpan stare in response.
“Adam, I would have had to have been both blind and deaf not to have realised something was wrong with you. I mean you’ve been coughing constantly these past weeks, your skin has become almost deathly pale and every time we’ve had to walk at even a slightly quick pace you become winded and look as if you’re about to pass out.”
Suddenly, the tears which had dried up before came back with a vengeance, cascading down her face at an arming rate. Her lower lip tucked underneath her top, and her brows quickly furrowed together. “I just can’t believe it was this.”
Not sure what to do, I did the only thing I could think of, pcing her once more into a tight, heartfelt hug, resting her head gently underneath mine. Feeling the wetness of my shirt as her tears began soaking through my hoodie, an ice-cold chill permeated through my body as the cold winds blew across it. Eventually, as I started to feel her calm down, the shaking of her shoulders subsiding and the sounds of crying being repced with only the occasional sniffle, I felt the sudden urge to apologise.
“I’m so sorry,” I muttered quietly in her ear. “This was the one thing I didn’t want to do. This was why I wanted to break up. So you would never know.” Suddenly, I felt her leave my grasp as she sprang back up to attention, her face, while still marked with sorrow, now accompanied by an expression of anger.
“That’s why you were pnning on breaking up with me?” She asked in bewilderment. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you an idiot? Did you somehow think I was never going to find out the truth? Stupid! Moron!” I raised my arms over my face, doing my best to block the rain of blows and sps thrown my way, my only thought being that maybe Sam had been right after all. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea after all.
As the blows began to thankfully taper down, with Helen being far too tired from the crying beforehand to continue her assault, I slowly lowered my guard and saw the look of outrage and hurt on her face.
“You're right,” I quickly admitted with my hands held up in surrender. “It was a stupid idea. But the truth was, I just wanted to do what I thought was best for you. I realise now, of course, how stupidly wrong I was.”
Upon hearing my confession, I saw the mask of anger on Helen's face begin to crack and wane slightly. Although her arms crossed over her chest told me she still wasn’t entirely happy, as was proven a second ter. “Damn right you were. I’m not some fucking fragile girl made out of eggshells who needs to be protected. You should damn well know that by now.”
“You’re right, you're right.” I pcated with my hands once again in the air. “After what I saw in the fight, you are most certainly not made of eggshells.” Upon hearing my comment, Helen seemed to puff her chest out as a victorious smirk hung on her face.
“I can’t take all the credit. Susan was like a crazed rottweiler. I honestly started to feel slightly sorry for the girl after the first minute or so.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. I mean, have you seen how she eats? I would rather fight Sam before going up against her.” I don’t know whether it was the sudden levity of the situation or just the deep desire to let out all our built-up emotions, but the two of us exploded into a string of ughs and giggles that seemed to have no end. No doubt looking insane to any of the passersby as we cackled like madmen, hunched over one another.
Unfortunately, I forgot that ughing like that was something I was no longer able to do, as only a few moments ter, my ughter was repced by choked coughs that left me debilitated and unable to move. It was as I was coughing up a storm, droplets of blood nding on the pavement before, that in my hunched position, I felt the gentle touch of Helen's hand rub gently against my back as I tried to get myself back under control; A difficult task.
The moment I finally managed to do so, able to sit back up and take a sorely needed breath of fresh air, I noticed the worried gaze Helen now held. “How long have you known?” She asked suddenly, giving me pause to figure out exactly what she meant.
“Around two months, plus an extra week or two.” Helen simply paused, once more getting lost in thought.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I asked, peering my face closer to hers after she remained unresponsive for close to a minute, finally grabbing her attention.
“No, it’s nothing, it's just some things are just starting to make so much more sense.”
“Oh really, like what?”
“Well, for starters why you suddenly went all rambo at school, beating the shit out of Matthew. Then there was the month you spent doing almost nothing but partying and ghosting me.” She replied with a pointed look.
“Yeah, I kinda didn’t handle it in the best way.” I said, chagrinned.
“I doubt anyone would have. I can’t really bme you.” A smirk suddenly appeared on her lips. “And I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy the look on Matthews’ face when he came back to school all embarrassed after his suspension. He really was a royal prick, wasn’t he?”
“That’s still my biggest highlight of the year, hands down.”
“Oh really.” She asked, eyebrows raised.
Seeing my mistake, I quickly replied. “Besides asking you out, of course.”
“Hmm, damn right.” Helen said, raising her nose in the air in a pompous manner before we both started ughing once again, though far more subdued than st time.
“What does this all mean?” Helen asked as the ughter died down, her tone far more sombre than it was before.
“I don’t know,” I replied, scratching the back of my head awkwardly, sensing the mood shift. “I understand if you would want to break up. I mean it’s not fair for you to have to stay with me just because I’m dyi-.” Before I could finish my sentence, I was quickly interrupted as Helen’s face appeared before me, her lips crashing into mine.
The sudden kiss between us was like nothing that had happened before. It wasn’t a caring, soft kiss but one filled with passion and desperation. One that set every cell in my body abze and left me breathless in its aftermath as I stared dumbly forward, not having expected such a situation. As I tried to get my breathing under control, still shocked by what had happened, Helen spoke.
“Adam Collins! Get it through your thick skull. We are not breaking up! Nothing you say at this point is going to change that, you hear me!” Her finger jabbed me in the chest with each word she spoke.
“Do I not even get a say in this anymore?” I asked as I eventually managed to regain my bearing and looked at her disgruntled appearance, secretly finding it absolutely adorable.
“No.” She said with a smile, her hands pced gently on top of mine over my knee. “We’re going to get through this. Together,”
Hearing the overflow of love and support in her voice made me want to break out in a fountain of tears. The only thing holding me back was the extremely public setting we found ourselves in and how I had cried in front of her far too many times already for my personal taste.
“Thank you.” I whispered quietly before I slowly leaned in towards her and kissed her once more, my only thought being how lucky I was to have her in my life. Unfortunately, despite how amazing such a moment was, I knew nothing could st forever, as was quickly proven.
“Mummy, look, those two people are kissing.” A child's voice loudly procimed from not too far away, making the two of us jump away and quickly break apart. Our faces flushed with embarrassment as we looked around to see that once again we had become the centre of attention, with many of the park goers staring at us as they passed, including the young boy with his mother who they had heard.
“Well.” I coughed, trying to clear the awkwardness that had developed. “I don’t know about you, but I’m suddenly feeling up for a quick walk around the park.” Before she even had a chance to respond, I instantly stood from the bench, ready and wanting to leave the area as soon as possible. A sentiment that Helen clearly mirrored if the way she also jumped off the bench was anything to go by.
“After you.” She replied with a flourished bow.
Slowly, we paced around the park, making casual chatter as we did so, the atmosphere around us both cheerful and light compared to what it was moments ago. As we walked, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my chest. No longer did I find myself feeling suffocated or with a sense of panic settled in the back of my mind. I felt free.
“Let’s get some ice cream.” Helen suddenly said while pointing across the park to a stationary Ice cream van.
“In this weather?” I asked incredulously, wrapping my hoodie even tighter around myself as if to demonstrate how cold it was.
“It’s never too cold for ice cream.” Helen shrugged, seemingly unbothered by the cold winter chill that surrounded us.
Now that I was no longer pgued with the worries of the talk we had just had, I was able to notice how she was only wearing a thin bck long-sleeved top along with a pair of skinny blue jeans. The sight of which left me gobsmacked, thinking it was a miracle she hadn’t frozen over. And so, believing it would be the gentlemanly thing to do, I went to take off my hoodie and give it to her. Something which, when she noticed, she put a stop to pronto.
“What in the hell are you doing?”
“Giving you my hoodie?” I questioned.
“No way José. I appreciate the thought, but I’m fine. You’re the one who needs to keep wrapped up. If anything, we should go shopping afterwards and get you a proper coat or something for winter.”
“Woah, woah, there’s no need for that. I’m fine, trust me.” I tried to state, but it was clear my words were falling on deaf ears.
“Nope, too te. After this, we’re going shopping.” And with that, she began walking away towards the ice cream van.
Far too shocked to argue, I simply followed along as Helen quietly hummed a tune I couldn’t quite pce. The moment we got there, as I had suspected, I noticed that there wasn’t a single other adult or child waiting in line. An impressive feat considering how busy the park was. I stared at the rge minated poster on the side of the van dispying all the possible choices. Instantly, my eyes were drawn to the double chocote swirl shown in the corner. Yet before I could even say a single word, Helen walked up to the counter of the van.
“Hey, can we get one vanil scoop and one double chocote swirl please?” The man inside merely nodded before proceeding to go further in his van. The sound of clunking and machinery followed in his wake.
“Hey, why did you already order? I didn't even get a chance to properly look over the choices.” Helen just looked at me once again with a deadpan stare. A look that, to my annoyance, I was sure she had learnt from Sam.
“We both know what you were going to end up choosing. I swear you love chocote more than anything.” She remarked while rolling her eyes.
“Well, not anything.” I replied while wiggling my eyebrows and staring into her eyes as I did so, causing Helen to explode with ughter from my obvious meaning.
“When did you become such a flirt?” She choked out once she finally caught her breath, to which I merely shrugged, noticing to my extreme amusement the bright red blush that had formed on her face, making her as red as a tomato.
It was at that moment that the ice cream man came back into view, carrying both a vanil and a chocote ice cream in his hand. After grabbing and paying for them both, I handed the vanil one to Helen, noticing how her blush, while diminished, was still present. With ice cream in hand, we continued our walk, observing the goings-on of the park that morning. The rugby match that was being held only twenty feet away, the ughing and screaming of children being cajoled by their parents, the rampant number of dogs sprinting left and right, constantly almost charging into every other passerby nearby, including us. It was kind of beautiful in a way to see so many people in one spot living such vastly different lives, completely independent from everyone else.
“Brrr. God, why does it have to be so cold?” I heard Helen mutter after one particurly cold breeze, her right arm crossed against her chest in a vain attempt to shield herself from the cold, her ice cream cone in her left hand having been completely forgotten, with it already starting to slowly drip down towards her hand. Seeing this, I quickly pced my ice cone in my mouth, having already eaten more than half of it, before unzipping my hoodie and pcing it onto her shoulders.
“Stop, I already told you I’m fine, really. I actually like the cold.” She replied, however, her bright red nose and the occasional sniffle she let out told a completely different story.
“Stop being stubborn and take it. After all, we can’t have you getting sick now, can we, Rudolph?” I joked while squeezing the tip of her nose, earning myself a swat to the shoulder.
“But what about you? You’re going to be freezing with just that t-shirt on.” Yet even as she spoke, she was already zipping up the hoodie, hiding her face underneath its front. Eyes closed in delight at the small amount of heat it no doubt provided.
“I’ll be fine, anyway, you said yourself, we’re going to go coat shopping after this. I’ll be fine in the meantime. Besides, I’m already dying, what’s a small cold in comparison?”
The moment the words left my lips, I knew I had made a mistake. I was so used to joking about my condition with Sam that I didn’t even stop to consider what Helen's reaction would be. And it wasn’t good. Her body froze, her face turned to stone, and her lips pressed thin against one another as her eyes filled with grief and hurt. Immediately, I wished I could have taken those words back. Unfortunately for me, wishing didn’t help me in the slightest.
“How could you even joke about that?” She asked quietly, voice wavering as she stared unblinkingly at me.
“Hey, hey,” I whispered quickly, pcing my hands on the side of her cheeks as I stood in front of her. “I’m sorry, that was in poor taste.” A part of me found it slightly bizarre that I was apologising for a joke about myself, but I knew it needed to be done. This wasn’t like with Sam and me. Unlike Helen, we had both had months to come to terms with my death, while for her, it was still brand new.
Seeing her still clearly upset face, it was clear that she wasn’t entirely satisfied with my apology. I thought about what I could say to improve her mood before deciding the best thing to do was something I hadn’t done in a while. Be honest. “The truth is, I have to make jokes about what's going on. It’s the only way I can go about my day, knowing what I do, that I haven’t got many more left. Knowing very soon it will all come to an end. So please don’t be mad. I’ll try to tone them down when I’m around you.”
Hearing my confession, something I hadn’t told either Sam or my father before, Helen simply continued her stare, not moving an inch or saying a word. Just as I was beginning to fret that she was still angry and raced through my mind for any potential solutions I could think of, no matter how stupid, Helen suddenly flung herself towards me, encompassing me in yet another hug, almost forcing me onto the floor with the strength she produced.
“I’m sorry,” She muttered, her voice muffled against my t-shirt. “I know I don’t have any right to get angry at you, it’s just… I’m still trying to process everything you said. I don’t think I can really handle any more talk about it at the moment.”
With that said, she lifted her head off my chest while still staying within my arms, a position we stayed in for minutes on end until I felt a sudden wetness on the top of my head, like a drop of water, but only lighter. It was then, as I looked up in confusion, that I was met with the sight of hundreds of droplets of snow as they slowly fell down towards us, carried by the cold, flowing wind.
“It’s beautiful.” I heard Helen Murmur, looking up in the sky in wonderment as tiny specks of snow nded on her face.
“I wish we could stay like this for hours,” She whispered, a statement I entirely agreed with. “Saying that we should probably head inside before it gets colder and you freeze to death.” She said with a smirk, disentangling our limbs and wrapping her arms around herself as if funting the hoodie I had given her.
“Smirk at me like that again and I’m going to take back that hoodie.”
“I would like to see you try.” Her eyes danced with mirth as she spoke while a predatory grin stretched across my face. In seconds, I was on her, attempting to capture her between my arms. Unfortunately for me, I underestimated her reflexes as she was able to quickly slip in between them and backpedal away, sticking out her tongue in the process.
“Oh, you’re on.” And that was how we spent the next fifteen minutes chasing one another across the grass-filled fields, tackling and wrestling one another as the snow drifted down around us. We ughed and ughed, acting like the kids we actually were, the atmosphere no longer filled with tension and sorrow. Yet even still, as I stared up into the sky after a failed tackle, I couldn't help but wonder whether I would ever get to see snow again or whether this would be the st time.
