Chapter 4

  The drive back home was uneventful, as Ashley focused intensely on driving slowly and smoothly, to ease my pain from the bumps. I could see it was difficult for her; she probably drove a lot faster usually.

  Throughout the drive, my mind went over all the things that happened. That may have been the most emotional two hours, I could ever remember. So much had happened… and so much had changed.

  When I woke up that morning, everything was hopeless. Suddenly, things were hopeful! It was as if a golden ray of sunlight had pierced the storm clouds, and I could see a future… where there was more than just me suffering alone.

  Yet after everything that happened, I still felt empty. I feel cold, alone and hurt. The pain grew rapidly during the car ride home, as it started to get out of control again… It was terrifying. I was no stranger to pain, for I had lived with it for nearly a year by that stage… However, the pain I had at that moment, it was completely different. It almost had a mind of its own…

  When I thought about how quickly the pain escalated, when I first went into the hall… it had never been that quick to build. Something was different with me; it must have changed in the last few weeks. I couldn’t say exactly what it was though. It almost felt like over the last year, I had been slowly building up that pain. Perhaps, I had reached my limit? Maybe I simply couldn’t mentally handle it anymore.

  We finally made it back to the apartment, as we stopped at the front door, and I quickly turned around to speak with Ashley.

  I opened the door, “Are you also coming in, Ashley?”

  Her response was quick as she looked me straight in the eye, “My orders are to stay with you, until Oliver returns this evening. If you feel uncomfortable with my presence, I’ll stand guard outside.”

  I looked away, as I lost confidence. I couldn’t match eyes with her, for she was so much more than me, right at that moment. I found myself angered by her response, she spoke like she was a dog, to be kept outside, as to not be a nuisance.

  My response was fast and surprisingly aggressive, “Absolutely not!”

  My pain had laced my words with anger again, damn it! I needed to change my tone quickly, before she started thinking that she had angered me.

  She slightly jumped in surprise, as her face changed expression. She looked away slightly sad, as I took a few breaths, to try to control myself. I couldn’t allow myself to snap at her like that again, I wouldn’t have that!

  I intentionally made a point of looking into her eyes, to try to show my sincerity, “I’m sorry Ashley… when my pain gets bad, I unintentionally get angry... I’m sorry, please don’t think you’ve done something wrong. Please come inside, I respect you far too much, to ever consider leaving you outside like a pet.”

  Her response was cold in tone, “Like a pet? Oh, Andrew, you misunderstand how an agent operates. My only concern is doing my job. Pride has no bearing at all.”

  I nodded, “Then come inside, and you can explain it all to me, but please… don’t stand out here alone, I just can’t have that.”

  She smiled at me, which was exactly the response I had hoped to see. I entered the apartment and went straight to the sofa in the living room. I wanted to see what they were talking about, in the Inner Roses hall. I slowly reached over to grab the TV remote, when Ashley coughed to get my attention.

  I looked at her and saw that she was holding that horrible yellow bottle, full of pain killers. I instantly felt intense anger, not at her, but at myself. After having experienced the feeling of no pain earlier, being back on this drug crutch… felt so humiliating. No matter how incredible today was, I was still completely broken. I was still just a drugged-up shadow. I felt like I was simply being kept alive… to stop others from worrying. At that moment, I hated myself and I hated my life.

  My pain instantly ramped up to the maximum, and I started crying as I rocked back and forth in pain. My breathing became laboured, and I could barely think straight.

  The TV turned on, and AI’s avatar appeared on the screen. Her face was full of concern, as she folded her arms.

  AI’s tone was sincere, “Your pain triggered immediately after Ashley showed you the pills, Andrew... Talk to me, what are you thinking right now?”

  “It’s nothing…” I whispered.

  Ashley quietly said, “No more hiding, Andrew…”

  I turned to her, as I struggled to breath properly, and shouted, “You are not nearly qualified enough, nor mentally prepared for me right now, Ashley! Thank you for showing your concern… but take those pills and fuck off!”

  A part of me instantly regretted that, but nearly all my mind was focused on trying to survive the waves of excruciating pain. Like a lighthouse in a storm, the pain was thrashing into me, again and again, bashing me relentlessly. I could barely even think, and I couldn’t care less about hurting her feelings.

  Ashley walked up to me quickly and crouched down. If she was going to smack me, it would hardly hurt more, than the agony I felt at that moment. At least I would have known how she had felt at that moment.

  Instead, she gently placed her hand on my knee, as I rocked back and forth in pain. I looked at her and she smiled, which was not at all what I was expecting.

  Her voice was so kind, “You’re right, and I won’t argue over it. Just take these pills, and we can fight about it in an hour, ok?”

  She presented her other hand with two pills in it. I looked at the pills… and surrendered. Not now... I didn’t have it in me to fight then.

  I grabbed the pills and swallowed them both instantly. It usually took about thirty minutes for them to take effect. Ashley stood up and walked away. She handled that so effectively; you might have thought that she had done it before.

  The next forty minutes went by agonisingly. Ashley simply stood in the doorway, watching, while I yelped as the pain flowed through me. Her eyes showed fascination and horror, in equal doses. Maybe she was truly realising the extent of the pain I felt then.

  Then the drugs finally took effect, I felt the warmth beginning to relax my muscles. Usually, two tablets would have caused me to fall asleep, but the pain I felt then, was worse than it had ever been… I imagined that the two pills would have only put me into a relaxed state, maybe even made me slightly sleepy.

  My rocking back and forth stopped, and my thoughts returned to me. Slowly, the throbbing went away, and what happened before went through my mind.

  I looked at Ashley with intense feelings of remorse. I shook my head in shame, as the memory of what I said returned to me. I couldn’t believe what I said to her, to one of the best agents in the Roses. I didn’t know how I would fix that; how could I make it right?

  Ashley noticed me looking at her. She smiled and walked over to me. I was about to start speaking, when she shushed me… Oh no, I was about to get absolutely thrashed. She crouched down, so that she was at eye level with me.

  She finally spoke, “I appreciate your honesty. I can tell that you try your hardest, to take other people’s feelings into consideration. You worry about what you say, and how people react.”

  She smiled, “But I know that deep down, you hide your true feelings, because you’re still human, after all. Even when you speak to people, you’re hiding, Andrew.”

  She was right, and she hit the nail on the head. I realised that she was far more observant than I had initially assumed.

  I looked down at the floor in shame, “I have to Ashley… I depend on others to survive. This home, these drugs… none of its mine. I depend on everyone, for everything. I can’t burn bridges; I can’t wrong my friends. If I must hide, then hide I will, because that’s better than me losing everything, and having no one at my side.”

  AI gently spoke, “Do you really feel that way about our relationship, Andrew?”

  A few moments went by in silence. For a moment, I considered changing my tone and pretending that I didn’t mean what I had just said… But then I remembered, that above all else, AI was my friend, and she deserved my honesty.

  “Yes.” I finally admitted, as I buried my face in my hands.

  AI responded firmly, “You are wrong in your assessment, my friend. We do not care for you, as an expression of control.”

  Her voice became gentle, “We help you, because we genuinely care about you.”

  I tried to express my fear, “Until I say or do something, that you can’t accept, then you will naturally stop caring for me. You will take it all away as punishment… and either I behave, or I die.”

  Her face was tragically sad, “Andrew… When did you stop trusting me?”

  “I…” I couldn’t continue.

  What she said echoed through me and left me stunned. When did I? What proof did I have, that they would take away the things that they had given me? They had never shown that kind of behaviour before, ever. I spent a moment thinking about it, and I realised, that this was a manifestation of the change in me, that started a few weeks ago.

  My voice cracked with emotion, “AI… what has changed in me? Weeks ago, I was different, so something has changed, and I can’t work out what it is…”

  She calmly explained, “Andrew, this is precisely why Oliver broke his promise. Now you can see that he acted out of genuine concern. He saw your change, and he did the only thing he could think of, to try to help.”

  I stared at the floor, “So, you both noticed the change? Was it so obvious, to everyone except me?”

  AI didn’t respond, but I knew what the answer was. How did I not see myself change?

  Ashley quietly said, “Pain changes people…”

  I tried to convince myself, “I’ve lived with pain long enough, that I should have control over it now. I should be used to it…”

  AI’s tone remained calm, “Nobody can conquer pain, Andrew… It is a poison, and it either goes away, or it entirely consumes its victim. You managed to live with it this long, because your will is unusually strong. Many men would have died of the pain, halfway through the torture already.”

  AI was right, and I was silly in thinking that I had mastered pain. I clearly hadn’t, and it seemed to have flipped the table on me, right at the end. What else could I have done though? The pain never permanently left. It always returned. How was I supposed to stop the pain from continuing to change me like that?

  “I don’t know what to do…” I honestly admitted.

  AI responded understandingly, “Admitting that you have changed, is the first step, Andrew. Understanding why, is the second step.”

  I asked desperately, “So how do I stop getting worse?”

  A few moments passed before AI responded.

  Her voice was determined, “I do not know, Andrew, but I promise you, I will never stop trying to find a way.”

  I nodded as I stared at the floor in hopelessness, “I know, AI… I know.”

  *

  I snapped out of my dreary state, and AI looked at me from the TV. She wore the expression that Oliver often showed me… a face of worry, affection, and respect.

  Ashley finally ended the silence, as she stared at AI on the TV, “You really do care for him, don’t you?”

  AI looked at Ashley slightly puzzled, “Of course I do, did you not believe that before?”

  She looked away, deep in thought, “I suppose I didn’t… to be honest.”

  “Why didn’t you?” AI asked, knowing what the answer was going to be before Ashley said it.

  She predictably answered, “I didn’t think you were capable of feeling.”

  AI smiled, “I know Ashley, and many others share that belief about me.”

  There was a hint of frustration in Ashley’s body language, as she said nothing for a moment, before finally speaking once more.

  Her tone was accusing, “You never speak to anyone else; you know that?”

  AI nodded, “Yes, I know.”

  I looked at Ashley, as I tried to imagine how she must have been feeling at that moment. Ignored? Unimportant? I supposed that the answer depended on whether she valued AI as a person, rather than a thing.

  I gently asked Ashley, “Did you ever try talking to AI yourself, without being prompted?”

  She folded her arms in frustration, “No, I haven’t... How was I supposed to know that I could though? I didn’t know AI was capable of all of this!”

  AI raised her hands in surrender, “That is alright, Ashley, we are not accusing you or judging you. You are not on trial.”

  A moment or two passed before Ashley finally continued, “Nobody else talks to you either, though. If it were just me, then it would be individual ignorance. However, the fact that you don’t even talk to agents, like you talk to Andrew, implies something about you, AI. It’s not just me being ignorant, it’s also that you try to keep yourself distant.”

  The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

  AI responded instantly, “Yes, you are correct, Ashley.”

  Ashley was taken back with surprise, for she clearly didn’t expect AI to agree with her. She looked at the floor, totally stumped, as she didn’t have anything else to say after that. AI looked back at me, once more showing that face.

  I spoke apologetically, “AI… I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be my best for you today, when I finally got to meet you in person.”

  She smiled gloriously, “You were brilliant, Andrew. It was everything I could have hoped for, and more.”

  I looked at her avatar in surprise, “Really? I mean, I fell asleep-”

  Her smile slightly weakened, “You slept because of the pain relief, which is completely understandable.”

  I tried to explain, “I shouted-”

  She stopped smiling, “You shouted something that I had heard every day, for nearly a year. I knew you would, and I do not judge you for your nightmares.”

  I shook my head, “I cried in front of-”

  Her face had become sad… “Everyone cried today, Andrew, because we empathise with you and because we care for you. I only wish I could have cried myself…” She looked away.

  I forced myself to stop… I looked at her on the screen, and I realised just how much she cared for me. There I was, worrying about all the bad things that happened, trying to see things in a negative way… yet there she was, choosing to celebrate all the good things…

  I changed my tone, as I realised what a dick I was being, “I’m sorry AI… I see now, there’s a better way to look at it… It was so exciting to be there with you, to be in the centre of the Inner Roses hall with you, and to see your true face.”

  AI looked back at me and beamed a massive smile, as she bounced up and down with excitement, “It was so exciting! Everyone finally got to see you, Andrew!”

  She crossed her arms and looked into the distance, “I was afraid of how everyone would react, especially when you took off your hoodie. I had faith they would accept you, but in truth, they even surprised me. The Roses are far more accepting, than I had predicted.”

  So, she did have doubts… of course she did. Just because she could compute a lot of things, didn’t mean she knew the future. Nothing in reality was ever guaranteed.

  I complimented her, “Your avatar is perfect by the way; I couldn’t imagine you any other way.”

  She smiled excitedly, “Thank you, Andrew. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to look. Every detail reflects who I am and who I am connected to.”

  I was curious, “Your hair being short, is that because Aisling and Nadia have their hair short as well?”

  She nodded, “Yes, did you notice that I made my own stitched pattern for my dress?”

  I nodded, “Of course, the many gears, that’s so logical. I immediately noticed that! Your role in the Roses is just so important, I hope you realise that…”

  She smiled, “I do my best, Andrew, just like you.”

  *

  The rest of the afternoon was mostly quiet. Ashley didn’t seem to have anything to say as she looked at her phone. AI was showing the Inner Roses hall broadcast on the TV. Just because she wasn’t streaming it onto the internet, didn’t mean the cameras weren’t filming it.

  I watched Aisling closely, throughout the meeting. She stayed nearly silent the entire time, as she just watched, while others spoke. Nadia took charge of the conversation, on behalf of Aisling.

  Eventually they adjourned, and the hall emptied. I knew that Oliver would be home in roughly thirty minutes. Oliver… There were things that he and I had to talk about, feelings that needed to be addressed.

  For the next thirty minutes, I played chess with AI on the TV. Naturally, I could never win against her, but that wasn’t the point, it was simply an activity to share with my closest friend.

  I finally heard the front door open, and the sound of keys being dropped on the table. I heard Oliver walk to the kitchen, no doubt to warm up my soup. He always did this, the same routine every day… he was such a loyal friend.

  Eventually the microwave finished heating up the soup, as I heard the beeping. He came walking into the living room, holding the plastic container of soup. He paused for a second when he entered, as he looked at me, trying to assess how I felt about him. I looked up at him calmly.

  He walked to the table to put the soup container down in front of me and the spoon next to it.

  “I’m back…” He said quietly.

  I slowly stood up from the sofa… and he took a step back.

  His face was wracked with guilt and remorse, “Andrew, I know you’re angry with me. I know… that I betrayed your trust with the vote…”

  I took a few steps closer to him, and he looked down at the floor in shame.

  His voice cracked, “Andrew… I was just so worried about you…”

  “No…” I firmly said.

  He stressfully looked around the room, “I didn’t know what else to do-”

  “Stop.” I shook my head.

  He looked away with his hands at his side, as he struggled to hold himself back from crying. I could see he had been dreading this moment, fearing it. He was desperately trying his hardest to make amends.

  I walked up to him and hugged him. For a second he froze in surprise… before he began to break down.

  “I’m so sorry!” he cried. “I failed you, because I didn’t know what to do… I just wanted to help you so badly! I don’t want you to suffer… please forgive me. I failed you… please…”

  I rocked us side to side, as I also found myself crying, “I know mate… I see now why you did it. Don’t worry about it a second longer, I forgive you, and I’m truly honoured to have you as my friend.” I struggled to speak, as my emotions overcame me.

  He silently sobbed, as he hugged me back tightly. The man had done so much for me… and yet he still felt that he hadn’t done enough. There could be no greater sign of loyalty.

  I whispered to him, “You’re incredible, Oliver, you’re so much more… than I deserve.”

  His voice was raw with emotion, “I thought I had lost you! I thought I lost your friendship! I couldn’t handle that, Andrew; I could never handle that!”

  I assured him, “You’ll never lose my friendship, never!”

  Moments passed, and Oliver finally calmed down. Only when he stopped crying, did I finally let go of him. He looked me in the eyes with admiration, and I hoped I was looking back at him the same.

  AI spoke, “Eat, Andrew, it is the only thing you eat all day… I want to see you eat.”

  I nodded, “Ok… I was really hungry anyway. Go get changed, Oliver, you don’t need to wear your Roses suit at home.”

  He sat down next to me, “I don’t mind, that can wait.”

  I slowly opened the container, and the smell of delicious chicken soup wafted up. I absolutely adored that soup. It was literally life-savingly good. I started eating it slowly, with my annoyingly shaky hands. A few sips in, I looked at Oliver. He was staring at me, like he was desperately waiting to say something.

  “What’s on your mind, mate?” I gently asked him as I went for another spoonful of soup.

  His face was humble, “Andrew… a lot happened today. I want to talk about it with you, please.”

  Since he was assigned to me, he’s talked in depth with me about everything. For amongst his many caring responsibilities, he was also my therapist. My mental state was his job, sure, but it was also his genuine concern.

  I nodded as went for another spoonful, “Ask away, for to you, I’m always an open book.”

  He looked away in thought for a moment, “How do you feel, about everyone knowing about what you went through?” Oof, he went straight at me with a heavy question.

  I put the spoon down for a moment as I thought about what I wanted to say, “I felt betrayed, at first. After that I felt… vulnerable, knowing that everyone knew something I didn’t want them to. Now, though? Now I feel liberated.”

  “Liberated?” he gently asked.

  I looked him in the eye, “Yeah… I never realised, that all the hiding was weighing me down. For once, I didn’t have to think about everything I said… for once I didn’t have to hide my face…”

  Oliver nodded in agreement, as he gave me a few moments to eat some more soup.

  His voice sounded so tired, “I feel that way too, Andrew. Michael, AI and I spent so many months redirecting conversations, carefully planning your medical visits and trying to pretend you didn’t exist. The last one weighed me down, more than anything else, pretending like you don’t exist when I go to work…”

  He stared into forever, as he arranged his thoughts. I wanted to say how I also felt like I didn’t exist, but that was too much. I wouldn’t make him cry again, not if I could help it.

  He turned to me, “What are your thoughts, of how other people think of you now?”

  I thought about it, “Well, considering the way they treated me when I left, I honestly feel they appreciated me.”

  He looked at me puzzled for a moment, with his head slightly tilted.

  I looked at AI on the TV, “AI, did nobody in the hall see my farewell?”

  AI politely responded, “No, Andrew, what happened was spontaneous. By the time I realised what was happening, you were already halfway out of the building.”

  “Can you show Oliver please?” I politely asked.

  She winked at me, “Of course.”

  Oliver watched the TV with intense concentration, as the scene played back from Ashley’s monitor recording. He smiled humbly, as the video went on. Then he saw the outside part, as the sea of Roses members gathered to thank me and watch me leave. He struggled, as he quickly looked away. Damn, he almost cried again...

  The video ended and he softly spoke, “That’s incredible… and you didn’t arrange that AI? That truly happened on its own?”

  AI’s tone was firm, “I firmly believe that every member of the Roses, has the right to their own opinion. I never force or coerce anyone, to feel or interpret anything my way. All those people did that, of their own accord.”

  Oliver chuckled as he leaned back into the sofa. That was a far better response from the members, than he was clearly expecting. In fact, I thought that everyone was surprised.

  I finished the last spoonful of soup, “My turn to ask questions.”

  “Fire away.” He looked genuinely happy to be having the chat.

  I looked at him, “When did you tell them about me?”

  He paused and looked at his hands for a few moments, “Yesterday. The entire day was spent talking about you.”

  “The entire day?!”

  He nodded, “We had to explain why, then what and eventually what it all meant. It’s a lot to unpack, mate…”

  I looked at AI for a moment as she gently rocked back and forth on her heels.

  I looked away from her, “When you said you told them ‘everything’, now I see you meant that literally.”

  Oliver justified it, “Andrew, your story is too epic to summarise. What you did and why it matters, is a tale for the ages.”

  I shook my head, “It seems I constantly undervalue my own impact, somehow. From my perspective, I naively and stubbornly got badly hurt, and then nearly died for a hopeless dream... But from your perspective, I was a hero, making a valiant sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

  He breathed out in frustration, as he didn’t like it when I belittled what happened. I knew that he honestly felt that what I did was legendary.

  He spoke certainly, “The fact is, Andrew, that you did something seemingly impossible, and you did it for unbelievably noble reasons. You may not see it, but from our eyes, it’s truly incredible.”

  I spoke honestly, “I know, Oliver. I just worry that others will forget that I’m still only human. I worry that others will constantly expect greatness from me, because anything else would be a let-down.”

  He looked me in the eye, “Andrew, this won’t happen. We’re all just so grateful that you’re still with us. In the stories, usually the hero goes down with the ship. Too many tales end with valiant sacrifices and then death. We didn’t lose you… thank God.”

  AI nodded excitedly in agreement, as did Ashley.

  Ashley joined in, “As someone who barely knows you, maybe my opinion would be of interest to you, Andrew?”

  I looked at her for a moment and then nodded, “Actually, yes. You have the perfect perspective. Tell me what you think of me, having only found out about me yesterday.”

  She paused for a moment, deep in thought. Eventually, she seemed to know what she wanted to say.

  She smiled wickedly, “You’re fucking unreal!”

  AI stopped rocking back and forth, and Oliver made a slightly audible “what?” sound, as he stared at her.

  She looked into the distance, “The problem I think that most will have, Andrew, is that we can’t really process it all. I know... I couldn’t. Even after yesterday's meeting, I didn’t really fathom it. I went home and felt nothing about it at all, to be honest.” She looked right into my eyes.

  Oliver seemed very annoyed by that, as he folded his arms and made a tsk sound. He stared at her outraged, “Really? Nothing, Ashley?”

  She stared right back at him, “Yes, nothing at all. I actually thought it was all a little overly dramatic, to be honest… but then... I finally went to bed… and let me tell you, I got no sleep at all. The second I turned off the lights, there was the list of tortures in my mind. Slowly, over the hours, my mind started to really process the list.”

  Ashley looked away from all of us then... her face was horrified.

  “My mind raced, trying to process it all. The more I realised how much you went through, Andrew, and how bad it all was, the more I started to feel real emotions towards it. By the time my alarm went off, I was shattered. I had realised just how selfless and... extreme, it truly was. My mind had truly fathomed what you did, Andrew, and it was just so massive…”

  She closed her eyes, “Then I saw you this morning. I saw you struggling to walk into the hall. I saw you kneel, and not be able to stand back up. I heard you bare your heart to AI… and I knew it was all true. I knew that you really did all of that. You really actually endured it all.”

  She paused for a long moment, “Then I saw you in pain earlier... you were shaking, rocking back and forth… I saw a man, who was fighting the worst form of pain, anyone could ever imagine. But it was clear… that was not your first nor your last battle with it. You’ve had this war inside yourself, for far too long…”

  She opened her eyes and looked at me, her face full of respect, “You’re fucking unreal, Andrew. I now know, why Michael reacted like he did, and I realise why AI and Oliver are so loyal to you. Having seen you in person… you’re unreal, yet somehow… real.”

  She was done and so she said nothing more. I looked away as I tried to process that. Michael… what did she mean by that? Did she hate me as well? No, she had just said that she respected me.

  Oliver coughed to clear his voice, “Ok, so what you’re saying, is that it’s a lot to take in?”

  Ashley immediately responded, “Perhaps too much. People will need far more time to process it.”

  AI spoke, “I knew it would be a lot, I just assumed a day would be sufficient.”

  Oliver quickly muttered, “We don’t have the luxury of time.”

  I quickly turned to him, “Why?”

  All three of them looked away from me immediately. Ok... so we were about to approach something hard. I waited a few moments, but nobody said anything.

  “Why don’t we have time?” I asked again.

  AI quietly responded, “Because you…” but she didn’t finish the sentence.

  Oliver slowly spoke, “Andrew… There’s still the chance…”

  I was losing patience, “What on earth are you talking about? Spit it out!”

  Finally, Ashley stood up from leaning against the wall, “They think you’re going to top yourself.”

  Oh. I then understood the reason for their hesitation. I couldn’t blame them for being careful on that topic, it was... very heavy.

  “I won’t.” I firmly stated.

  Oliver tried to speak, “If the pain doesn’t-”

  “I WON’T!” I shouted.

  He slightly jumped back from me on the couch, as he looked around, mildly panicking. He was thinking about what to say.

  I stared at the coffee table, “Save your breath my friend. This pain is worse than ever before, yes, I admit that. It’s really hard to bear… but it’s not impossible yet.”

  Ashley quickly spoke up, “How though? How can you bear it? I watched you, Andrew, you could barely even think! Your body was shattered earlier… I don’t think you’re managing at all!”

  I had to admit, I loved her directness. There was no tiptoeing on broken glass with Ashley, just straight talk.

  I tried to justify what happened, “It’s psychological… I was triggered that time…”

  Oliver chimed in, “Wait, what happened?”

  She coldly stated, “I showed Andrew the painkillers and he fell apart.”

  He looked at her with intense concentration, “Was he in intense pain before?”

  She turned to him and shook her head, “No… I was having him take it as a precaution.”

  He looked at me with great concern. I could see that he was trying to understand the problem, as a psychologist.

  He turned to look me in the eye, “It was a trigger. Andrew, what did you honestly feel, when you saw the pill bottle?”

  “... Self-loathing…” I honestly responded.

  He spoke kindly, “Why?”

  I gave him the honest truth, “Because it was a reminder, that even after today, I’m still just a broken drug addict.”

  He looked away very quickly, almost as if he’d just been punched across the face. I could see that what I said, disappointed him immensely. Even Ashley made a grunt of disapproval.

  I clenched my teeth in anger, as their judging pissed me off, “You don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes! You can’t fathom having everything depend on a drug.”

  Ashley aggressively shot at me, “Yes, but that also means you spend more time in the shadow, where suicide is a mere thought away.”

  Oliver didn’t like hearing that and neither did AI. I personally found it refreshing, to be honest. I then knew that Ashley cared about me, because she chose to say these things. If she didn’t care, she would have said nothing.

  AI slowly warned, “Ashley, watch your tone…”

  I objected, “No, don’t censor yourself Ashley, I need someone to say it like it is, promise me that you’ll always be this direct.”

  Ashley looked at me with both irritation and admiration, as Oliver shook his head. It was good to see Oliver irritated, instead of panicking or worrying.

  I admitted, “She’s right, though. If there’s one thing I’ve realised after today… it’s that I’m not winning. In fact, I’m losing horribly.”

  Oliver’s voice was deeply emotional, “Andrew, I can’t lose you…”

  I put my hand on his knee, “Your fear will never come to pass. No matter the pain, I won’t surrender.”

  He nodded as he stared at the floor, “If that came from anyone else, I wouldn’t believe it. But I know just how strong you really are, Andrew… I feel more confident now.”

  Ashley walked up to me and crouched to my eye level, her tone was firm, “So, what are you going to do, to make sure?”

  I committed myself, “I’ll take the pills everyday… no matter how I feel about it.”

  Oliver looked at me and smiled brilliantly, his voice was gentle, “That really puts me at ease, Andrew… more than you might know.”

  AI kneeled and bowed her head with her eyes closed, “Thank you, my friend, it means the world to us… and to me.”

  *

  Oliver still wanted to ask more questions, and I didn't mind, I was enjoying being able share my feelings with him.

  He looked at me with interest, “What are your thoughts about visiting the HQ?”

  I leaned back on the sofa, “It’s massive, yet I feel like I only saw it as a visitor, to be honest. But the hall was definitely far larger in person, than it looked on TV.”

  AI asked, “What would you like to see, that you did not see today, to feel as though you had visited it more meaningfully?”

  I looked at her avatar on the TV, “It doesn’t matter, AI; I am grateful I went at all…”

  She shook her head with a frown, “It does matter, Andrew, I want you to feel welcome there, and I want you to walk into that building as if it is your own home.”

  I looked away, “AI, I’m not a member of the Roses. I can never feel the way you want me to.”

  Her voice was immediate and urgent, “Then become a member, I will fast forward the application and you will be accepted instantly.”

  I felt very uncomfortable as I looked at the floor, “No, AI… I don’t feel comfortable with this.”

  Her voice sounded concerned, “Do you not want to be a member of the Roses?”

  I looked away from everyone, toward the window. I didn’t want to even think about it then. It all felt too fast and too overwhelming. My relationship with the Roses and AI complicated things, and I didn’t feel ready.

  Ashley asked frankly, “Does he need to though?”

  Oliver was puzzled, “What do you mean, Ashley?”

  She folded her arms, “Well… if he did join, he couldn’t possibly be an ordinary member, right? He’s done too much. He can’t join and be Inner Roses, because he’s not got a speciality.”

  Everybody thought intensely about it, except me. They were all silent as they tried to work out how I would fit in. I finally snapped them all out of it.

  I spoke loudly, “It doesn’t matter, I don’t want to, and I’m not obligated, yes?”

  AI smiled, “We have so much more time now than before, Andrew… Take all the time you need, and no matter what you decide, please know… I only want your friendship.”

  Oliver nodded in agreement. I had noticed that he hadn’t stopped smiling, since I committed to taking the pills. It really must have meant a lot to him…

  He raised his glasses as he looked at me, “Ok, next question… Michael?”

  “Pass.” I said instantly.

  “Ok…” He awkwardly said.

  AI’s tone was gentle, “You cannot avoid him forever, Andrew. He is connected to you, in so many more ways than you know.”

  I refused to comment, as I kept looking out the window. I wasn’t going to talk about that, as it hurt me too much to do so. I didn’t want to think of how much he despised me.

  AI surprisingly asked the next question, “Andrew, how can we pay you back for what you sacrificed for us?”

  I looked at her and shook my head, “You already have paid me back, a hundred times over.”

  AI tilted her head to the side in mild confusion, “But we have not yet given you anything?”

  I was surprised that she missed the bigger picture, “I invested in you and the Angels, and in return, you created the Roses. You are massive now, and you’re changing the world every single day. That was what I wanted out of this exchange… and I got it back, twice over.”

  AI smiled at me and Oliver put his hand on my knee. Ashley looked at me with such strong admiration, that I thought she might come over and kiss me.

  Her face changed, as she realised that she also had a question, “When Michael was talking to us, Aisling said that you would have made a fine agent. Michael strongly reacted when she said that… what was that all about?”

  That was an intensely hidden fact of mine, yet AI and Oliver realised it, without me ever saying it.

  I stared at the floor, as a wave of disappointment and regret smashed into me, “Because I desperately wish I was one.”

  Ashley tilted her head in surprise, “That’s the first step, Andrew. The desire to be more. To go above and beyond, in pursuit of growth. You definitely have it in you.”

  I shook my head, as a wave of hopelessness crashed into me, “Except, I can barely walk ten metres without falling over in pain… I’ll never be one, Ashley… never.”

  She had a wicked grin on her face, “Time will tell… I have a feeling that you will.”

  I looked away sadly, “It doesn’t matter. You got Michael instead, and he’s perfect. It could have been worse; you could have had no hero at all.”

  Ashley looked at me for a few moments, “I’m going now, my shift ended an hour ago, and I need to sleep. Andrew, it’s been a privilege to speak to you in person. You really are so much more than you seem.”

  She walked out the living room without even saying goodbye. Oliver then stood up and also said goodnight, for I could see he was very tired. It was a stressful day; one he’d been waiting for… and dreading for weeks.

  I quickly grabbed the sleeve of his blazer, and he stopped, looking at me puzzled.

  I spoke quietly with sincerity, “Thanks for being my friend, Oliver.”

  He smiled intensely, “Thank you too, Andrew.”

  He left the room, and it was just AI and me. She watched me with a kind smile, with her arms at her side.

  I was curious, “What’s it like to not need sleep, AI?”

  She tilted her head sideways, “What is it like to have to sleep, Andrew?”

  “Ah… never mind.” I realised that it was too late for that kind of topic.

  She smiled, “Indeed, maybe another time?”

  I nodded, “Yes… next time.”

  I slowly got up and walked to my room. Since I didn’t sleep at night, I would browse the web and read text logs that AI created for me, about what happened in the day. I would talk with her about it, ask questions etc.

  But at that moment, the day was over, and I headed to bed, to prepare to have the nightmare once more…